Chapter 9

"When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street

I look above and I know I'll always be blessed with love

And as the feeling grows, she breathes flesh to my bones

And when love is dead, I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection

Whether I'm right or wrong and down the waterfall

Wherever it may take me, I know that life won't break me

When I come to call, she won't forsake me, I'm loving angels instead"

Angels by David Archuleta

"Nooooo, Mother, NO!" Anders stood horrified as he watched Rylee wail in agony as she rocked the corpse of her mother. He had tried to comfort her, but she had just pushed him away as she clung even tighter to her mother, begging her not to leave her.

"P-please… please don't leave m-me, m-mother… I'm s-s-sorry…" Her pleading went on and on until Anders' heart broke as her own anguish filled him, tearing at his insides as her grief tortured him with the knowledge that there was nothing he could do to relieve her pain, to ease her suffering. Time would have to be her healer now. He fell to his knees beside her and pulled her into his arms. She fought him as she hit and punched at him, trying to push him away. He refused to let her go and finally out sheer exhaustion, she fell lifelessly in his arms as the emotional fatigue washed over her. He scooped her into his arms; her head nestled against his neck as he got up to take her home.

He looked over his shoulder at Varric and Isabela. "We will take of everything and make sure that her remains are taken care of. You take care of our girl," Isabela stated solemnly.

Anders was still holding her as he carried her through the front door, Gamlen was there waiting for her, but Anders knew she was in no condition to face her bitter Uncle.

"What happened? Where is Leandra?" Gamlen demanded.

"Let me make Rylee comfortable first, then I will come back down to explain everything," Anders said.

"Explain! Explain what?" the old man exclaimed.

Anders felt his anger begin to rise at Gamlen's insensitivity. If he was carrying Rylee inside, obviously something had gone seriously wrong. "I said I would explain…"

"It's okay Anders," Rylee said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Gamlen needs to know," Rylee said in a monotone voice. Anders nodded as he set her down. Rylee eased herself down into a chair and explained to her uncle what had happened.

"So you're to blame! If you'd been quicker or stronger, you could've saved her… she would be alive…"

Rage coursed through Anders' veins and he struggled to control himself, "How dare you walk into her home and make those accusations? Rylee did everything she possible could to save her mother. Are you so unfeeling that you can't see she is torn up with grief? She is not the one that should be blamed. If you need someone to blame, then blame the bastard that took her. But I warn you, if you ever speak to Rylee in such a cruel manor again, so help me Maker, I won't be responsible for my actions."

Gamlen glared at Anders for a long moment then excused himself, mumbling something about letting Bethany know what had happened.

Anders once again scooped Rylee into his arms; he carried her up to their room and gently sat her down on the bed. He tenderly removed her boots and armor. A wash basin was beside the bed, and he washed her up as best as he could, then slid a night shirt on over her head. The entire time he cleaned her up she had remained silent, her eyes had taken on a distant, vacant stare. He knew she was in shock and that her mind was shutting down as it tried to protect itself, but that knowledge didn't make watching her like this any easier. He reminded himself that she was strong, that she would bend, but not break. He couldn't let her break… he wouldn't let her break. He would find a way to help her through this, to help her heal, to help her move on.

He eased her back on the bed, removed his boots and coat then crawled up beside her and pulled her to his chest. He didn't know how long he held her before he felt the first few wet drops hit his shirt and soak through to his chest. He held her tightly as her shoulders shook against his embrace from the silent sobs that raked her body. She wordlessly wept for hours as he cradled her against him, allowing her to grieve in her own way while offering her unspoken comfort as he lovingly and tenderly rocked and caressed her. Eventually she fell into a restless sleep and as the nightmares tormented her, he whispered words of love and comfort to her until the nightmares subsided and dreamless sleep claimed her.

He had barely slept as he sun began to drift through the window, instantly waking him. He knew today would be just as difficult for her. The arrangements for her mother's burial would need to be made and the condolences would begin to arrive. He knew her well enough to know that the emotionally devastated woman that her companions had seen yesterday would be locked up tight. That she would once again be the controlled Rylee that they knew and expected, but she would be breaking on the inside and he would be her safe harbor when the grief became too much and she could no longer put on the strong persona for everyone. He would be her strength when she doubted her ability to stand on her own. He loved her with every breath in his body and somehow he would help her get through this.

Her soft voice startled him out of his thoughts. "I've failed. I've failed to protect her… I've failed all of them."

Anders slid his fingers under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Love, this isn't your fault. You didn't fail your mother, you didn't fail your father, and you didn't fail Carver or Bethany. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed those outcomes. It's normal to feel guilty over this, but Rylee, this isn't your fault and you can't let it eat away at you. It will drive you insane if you do."

She was quiet for a very long time and in almost a hushed whisper she said, "I-I'm afraid, Anders."

"What are you afraid of, Ry?"

She fell silent once more; he heard her voice crack as she tried to reign in her emotions. "What if I fail you? W-what if I fail to save you?"

Anders' heart stopped in his chest. He was at a loss for words. He didn't know if he could be saved or if she should even try. He pulled her even closer to him and kissed her forehead. "Life is a complicated thing, Love. You can't predict what will happen in the future, and sometimes, nothing you do can change how it will turn out. But always know that whatever happens, you will never fail in my eyes. I know that you would do everything in your power to keep me safe as I would you."

Again she didn't say anything for a few lingering moments. In a soft whisper she said, "Thank you, Anders."

"My Love, there isn't any place in the entire world I would have rather been last night then here with you. If I could heal your broken heart I would do it instantly. I know I didn't do much, but I'm glad…"

"You saved me last night. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here," she said very matter-of-factly.

"I'm here for you, Rylee. When you feel yourself going under, grab onto me. I'll keep you a float. I promise," Anders vowed.

Over the next several days, Anders watched in awe as Rylee drew from her inner strength to get through the whole ordeal. Countless nobles dropping by to offer their condolences and with each visit, Rylee had to recount the whole bloody nightmare. After hearing her recite the story over a dozen times, Rylee had it memorized like a script from a play. In an emotionally detached way, she would narrate the tale for her curious visitors, she paused at all the right spots for dramatic effect, nodded at their shock and horror, and thanked them when they offered her their sympathies. Fucking noble vultures, who believed because they stopped by with a casserole and flowers, they deserved the same lively account as their neighbors.

Why does she do it?

Anders shook his in disgust. She does it for me.

That's absurd. Rylee knows you could care less about the nobles.

Rylee knows the nobles have influence. Political power can keep the templars away.

Even in her grief she was using her powers of persuasion to protect him and the very thought of it made the bile rise up in his throat. He knew this was because of her guilt over feeling as if she failed her family and fear of failing him. His own guilt began to eat at him, knowing that one day she would more than likely fail in her attempt to save him, and he knew that would destroy her, but he was powerless to stop it.

Now do you understand why I warned you to stay away from her.

Yes, but I can't change the past and I can't move forward without her. I'm caught in this paradox with no solution.

There is a solution. Leave her now before you destroy her.

Why don't ask me to cut off my own arm? Because that, I would be able to do much easier then walking away from her. Living without her isn't an option. I would have thought you figured that out by now.

A spirit can always hope that you will find reason.

Anders had never been more in love with her then when he had watched her gather her strength one last time as she made her way up to dais to give her mother's eulogy. Anders had watched the strain of the past few days begin to take its toll on her. She wasn't eating, she wasn't sleeping which was making her very irritable. He had begged her not to give her mother's eulogy, but she had insisted that the only one that would be able to honor Leandra the way she deserved was her. So it was with awe and admiration that he watched her compose herself at the podium before she began. Anders was grateful that Cullen had managed to get Bethany out of the gallows so she could be here today. Her sister's very presence lifted a huge weight off of Rylee, and her countenance immediately changed when she saw Bethany. He saw Bethany give Rylee a smile of encouragement.

Rylee smiled at her sister then looked at the crowd as she began.
My mother was one of the most amazing people I have ever met and will probably ever meet. She spent her life caring for others, she never put her needs before the needs of those she loved and cared for. From the crowd that has gathered here today, it is obvious that my mother touched the lives of many and had a profound effect on those who knew her. She wore many different hats and was many different things to different people.

To some of you gathered here, she was your friend and from what many of you have told me, she was the type of friend that stood by you through thick and thin. She brought you soup when you were sick, flowers when you were healthy and shared many glasses for wine while uncensored stories of your lives were told. I too have friends that I am thick as thieves with.

Rylee paused to smile at her companions that joined her to offer her their support.

Their friendship gives me support, strength and constant entertainment. Without them there would be a vast emptiness in my life. So I can only imagine the hole my mother's death has left in lives of her friends that truly knew her and loved her.

My mother was also a sister and although my mother and her brother didn't always see eye to eye, she loved him deeply and she never stopped trying to take care of him. Even though my mother was the baby of the family she was a natural born leader. I've heard many tales of mom leading Gamlen down the garden path and getting the two of them into all sorts of trouble.

"Maker, that's the truth, but those were the best years of my l-life," Gamlen said as he began to sob once again. Rylee smiled lovingly at her Uncle. His cruel words forgotten as mourning brought them together.

Even though my father has been gone for many years, there was a time that my mother was a wife. It was this role that would define her life and role that she cherished above all else. The love that I saw between the two of them was inspirational. It was the type of love that everyone dreams of one day having, but very few actually experience it. It was their example of what love should be that never allowed me to settle or compromise until I found my perfect match.

Rylee looked at Anders. He winked at her and mouthed, "I love you." She smiled back at him as she bit her lower lip that was now trembling. He had heard her practice her remarks and knew what she was about to say. Each time she practiced her eulogy, she never made it through this part without breaking down. Maker, please give her strength.

It was her role as a wife that brought her to the role that I knew her as… she was m-my mother, she was my f-friend, she was the shining example of everything I have strived to be. As a parent and as a friend, my mother had an extraordinary ability to make each of her children feel strong and more importantly confident in our own individual identities. She instilled in us, our own sense of independence and mental toughness which speaking for myself, has been an asset in so many ways in my life. Her legacy will live on in Bethany and I, and I hope that we will continue to make her proud. She will forever be in our memories and in our hearts and I will always be extremely proud to call myself the daughter of Leandra Amell Hawke.

Rylee made her way over to him and took her seat. Anders grasped her, kissed her cheek and whispered, "That was beautiful. Your mother would be proud."

"Thank you," she whispered back.

The service concluded fairly quickly and for the next several hours, food and drinks were served as the Ferelden tradition of celebrating the life of the deceased began with many toasts given and many exaggerated stories being told. Of course the most colorful stories were the ones that Varric told, and even though he hardly even knew Leandra, he had managed to definitely make her life seem a lot more adventurous than it was, which somehow seemed to sooth and comfort both Rylee and Bethany.

When they had said goodbye to the last guest, Rylee and Anders silently made their way up to up their bedroom and quietly undressed. They crawled into bed together and he pulled her to his chest.

"Love, I don't know how you found the strength to get through these past few days, but I want you to know how much I admire the grace and poise in which you handled this whole ordeal."

"It's because I drew my strength from you. I knew that I could come back here and just be myself with you. That knowledge alone, helped me get through this," Rylee stated.

They were quiet again for a long time then Rylee lifted her head and looked at him. "Anders, do you remember your mother?"

Anders' breath hitched in his chest. He didn't like to think about his parents because the memories were too painful, and he had never talked about his time with them, not even to Lillah. However, he knew that Rylee needed to talk. "Yes, I remember her."

"Please tell me about her."

Anders drew in a deep breath. "My mother was young. She could have been no more than sixteen when she had me. She was beautiful… but I'm sure every son thinks their mother is beautiful. She had light blond hair that was long and wavy and she had eyes as green as the grass."

"So I take it that those gorgeous, heart melting, honey brown eyes of yours comes from your father," Rylee interjected.

"Heart melting, huh?"

"You melt my heart every time you look at me," Rylee stated.

Anders laughed. "Good to know. I'm going to have to use that to my advantage more often."

"Oh you don't need to worry about that. You get away with a lot more than you should because of those eyes of yours."

"Wow, I didn't ever realize that. Imagine what I could do if I really tried."

"I dare you and I'll just use that pout of mine that seems to make you putty in my hands," she cooed.

"You wouldn't!"

She gave him that taunting little pout of hers and it took every ounce of self control not to grab her, roll her over and take her right there, but that feeling quickly evaporated as she continued her line of questioning. "So do you remember anything else about your mother?"

Anders thought about it before he replied, "I remember that she made the most delicious Anderfels Chocolate cake. I've never tasted anything like it since. Nothing has come close to that melt in your mouth cake. I also remember as a child, whenever I would have a nightmare she'd me back to sleep and sing to me."

"Do you remember what she sang to you?"

He nodded. "Yes, I will remember her voice until the day I die," Anders replied wistfully.

"Can you sing it for me?"

Anders chuckled. "I don't sing nearly as well as you."

"That's okay, I just want to hear you sing."

"Well don't blame me if your ears bleed."

Rylee laughed, "I won't."

Anders drew in a deep breath and began to sing a song he hadn't heard in at least twenty years.

"Golden slumber kiss your eyes, smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep pretty baby, do not cry, and I'll sing you a lullaby.

Care you know not, therefore sleep, while I o'er you watch do keep.
Sleep pretty darling, do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby."

"Anders, that's beautiful and you have lovely voice. I want you to teach it to me."

Anders grinned at her. "Why?"

Rylee hesitated briefly, "Because one day, I want to sing it to our children."

Anders breath caught in his throat. He had always wanted kids, but becoming a Grey Warden had put a large question mark in front of that dream, and now with Justice driving him to end the plight of the mages, he didn't think that dream would ever be realized.

"You want to have c-children?" Anders asked as his voice faltered.

"I want to have your children, Anders."

His heart was pounding in his chest. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. As a mage, then as a Warden he had long ago stopped dreaming of holding his own child but maybe…

There are more important things for you to accomplish than siring a child. The things that we will achieve together will allow future generation of mages to be born and never be torn from their mothers as you were.

And what if I want to have a child of my own? What if I want to produce life inside of the woman I love, watch that life grow and watch the child be born?

Those are selfish desires that you must set aside for the greater good.

"Ry, there is nothing I want more than to make you my wife and conceive a child with you, but there are Grey Warden secrets…"

"I know about the taint, Anders. I know that it will be difficult for you to conceive a child, and I know that I only have about twenty more years left with you. But I want to make those the happiest, fullest years of my life and if it takes ten years to have your child… then think of all the fun we will have trying to create a life."

Anders had no idea how she knew those things, but that was the furthest thing from his mind, as his groin immediately began to harden at the thought all the fun they would have just trying to have a child. He pulled her on top of him, threaded his fingers through her hair, and pulled her close to his mouth. "I love you, Ry."

"I love you too, Anders," she moaned before he captured her lips and started the first attempt to create a life within her.

A/N – I know this chapter is shorter than most of my chapters, but with the deep emotions that this chapter dealt with it didn't feel right to add anything else on.

*Thanks again to all of my loyal readers and to everyone that has added this story to their favs and alert lists. I appreciate it. I'm also grateful to everyone that has shared their thoughts and opinions with me. I love hearing how you felt about a chapter.

*Thanks to my fanfreckintastic beta and friend for your help and support with this chapter. I was a hard one to write and I appreciate your encouragement. You're a great friend. Thanks!