I laid in my bed, my mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions in total chaos.

I couldn't remember a time in which I had felt so happy, guilty, sad and confused all at once.

A declaration of love and devotion by Nathan - I'd been waiting for that for so long and now it was here....it was bittersweet though and the bitter part was taking the joy out of it quickly.

My mind was racing with thoughts of Todd. Sweet, good natured Todd who had never done anything to deserve such treatment (and he wasn't even aware of it yet which made it that much worse). Todd only made the mistake of getting involved with an emotional basketcase - in all honesty, my hasty jump into a relationship with him was neither fair to him nor was it right. I hadn't been ready, I had merely been looking for a replacement....but out of that had grown a true affection and a love.

I continued to lay there, waiting to be struck by some epiphany - some sign that could show me what I need to do and how I could be happy....I knew I was waiting in vain. There were no easy answers or convenient 'outs' on this one -- I was on my own.

~~~~

"So, its a bona fide love triangle!" Peyton exclaimed as I winced at her comment.

Brooke rolled her eyes, "you're so dramatic -- its ridiculous and that stuff needs to stay in the soap operas where it belongs."

"... yeah the soaps that you watch religiously every day," Peyton retorted, sticking her tongue out at Brooke.

I shook my head - maybe talking with friends wouldn't even help this time. Erin and Tara had gone, leaving Brooke and Peyton here to help me with my emotional and mental crisis.

"What kind of person does this? What kind of person accepts a marriage proposal and then puts the guy in the middle of what you call a love triangle?" I said in a glum tone. The guilt was consuming me and I hated every minute of it.

"No, in my opinion, your having second thoughts now is better than having them after the wedding," Peyton reasoned. "...maybe this is just your heart's way of telling you, Todd isn't the one."

I looked at her, "this is so confusing -- I know I love them both for different reasons which only serves to make this decision even harder."

"Are you going to tell Todd about the kiss?" Brooke asked.

I nodded my head, full of shame. "Yes, I can't keep something like that from him -- it would make our relationship a lie if I didn't tell him."

"I still just think its pretty sh&^% that Nathan thinks he can just waltz back in and have you again - now that he's grown up or so he says," Brooke said. Her disdain for Nathan certainly hadn't diminished and from her perspective, I couldn't blame her.

"He doesn't know that," I retorted. "I haven't made any sort of decision about anything or anyone...."

Peyton and Brookelooked at me. "C'mon -- its kind of knowing the outcome of a game but still wanting to watch how it plays out," Peyton said. "Everyone pretty much thinks you'll go back to Nathan."

I gaped in surprise, "and who is everyone?"

"Erin, Tara, me, Brooke and Tim."

"Tim? When did you talk to him about this?"

"We were talking about it while you and Nathan were walking the streets of Tree Hill last night," Peyton replied.

I shook my head in embarassment. My love life and the debacles I had placed myself in were now entertainment fodder for my friends.

"Well, glad I could amuse everyone," I said wryly.

~~~~

I worked all day and evening on Monday - throwing myself into the operations of the restaurant in an effort to escape my personal life. I got home a little after 10pm. The reality of my situation struck me as I walked into the silence of my apartment. I had managed to hide among the noise and the crowds at the restaurant all day and it had been somewhat comforting. It hadn't allowed me to dwell on everything that had happened in the past 48 hours.

I was consumed with feelings of confusion, sadness, guilt, anger and elation all at the same time.

I was angry at Nathan for putting me in this position and angry at myself for allowing it.

I couldn't believe how I had betrayed Todd - I have never felt so unsure of my own feelings, thoughts and values and its a very unsettling experience. You grow up and live, thinking you are a certain way and suddenly things change that cause you to react in a way that betrays your very nature.

I've always been a very sensitive person - I've always prided myself on being extra supportive and extra considerate of others. I have always taken relationships seriously- even at the dating stage....the old Haley would have recoiled in horror at the thought of kissing one man while being engaged to another.

I closed my eyes, feeling the tears welling up again. I knew that Nathan was gone - flying to Boston to leave me alone with my thoughts.

I had not talked to Todd since Saturday night - he'd left a voicemail on my phone Sunday evening when he'd come back from Raleigh. He knew I worked all day on Monday, so he hadn't even tried my cell -- and I hadn't called him back -- I knew I needed to gather the courage to tell him what was happening and it would have to happen the next time we spoke. This was something I couldn't keep from him - he needed to know the truth, he deserved to know the truth....regardless of what the future may hold for the two of us (if any future at all), I couldn't mar it further with lies...

~~~~

I picked up the phone with a trembling hand and hit the speed dial on my phone.

"Hey sweetheart!" Todd said into the phone after the second ring.

A knot forming in my throat, almost thwarting my speech.

"Hi," I managed to remain calm but content.

We did the whole 'how was your weekend?' conversation to catch up and I knew I couldn't skate around the small talk for long.

"Would you like to come over for a bit?" I asked him.

"I'm pretty wiped out....would you mind if we got together tomorrow?" he asked.

I nodded even though he couldn't see me -- a bit relieved perhaps, that I had been given a bit of a reprieve from the impending disaster.

"Sure, that sounds fine," I replied.

"Are you okay, honey?" he asked.

There it was - the inevitable question....to lie or not to lie?

"I'm tired -- but I do want to talk to you about something tomorrow."

"Oh, can it wait though? I mean, if you need me to come over tonight, I will," Todd said.

I fidgeted with the button on my coat, trying to decide at a second's notice what I needed to do.

"Well, I think its something we need to talk about as soon as possible -- its kind of important," I said, holding my breath.

"Are you alright?" he asked with concern.

I exhaled sharply, "Yes, I'm okay...."

"Okay, well I'll be over in 15," he said and hung up abruptly.

I sat down on my sofa, trying my hardest not to cry.

~~~~

Just as promised, Todd arrived around 15 minutes later.

He hugged and kissed me hello but he could see from the look on my face that something was definitely wrong.

"What is it? Haley, tell me," he said, taking my hands and leading me over to the sofa.

I sat down, looking at the floor and trying to choose my words very carefully.

"Well, while you were away, you know the girls took me out for my Bachelorette weekend..."

Todd nodded, willing me to go on.

"...and we had a great time -- but....I ran into someone while I was out....I ran into Nathan..."

Todd pursed his lips and nodded, still not entirely seeing where this was going. "Okay...so you ran into Nathan -- did he piss you off?"

"Yes, at first he did....he and I talked and then the next night when we were out, we got along a little better."

That was when his face got that flushed pink color that appears on his cheeks when he's getting angry, "the next night? As in, you saw him both nights I was gone?"

I swallowed, knowing this was getting more and more difficult by the second, "yeah, he was out with his friends too."

Todd looked at me, motioning to continue, "well? what happened? Did he hurt you?"

I shook my head, "No....

I could tell Todd was starting to get impatient - anger and jealousy that only seemed to appear where Nathan was concerned were struck across his features. "Haley, tell me..."

"We kissed," I said, closing my eyes and waiting for the fall out.

Todd stood up from the sofa, "That bastard - I'm gonna kill him!"

"Todd - calm down, stop!" I said, grabbing his arm.

Todd shook my hand away from his arm. "Are you serious? That jerk has the audacity to come on to you after everything he has done to you....he kissed you, Haley!"

"No, he didn't!" I said quickly, feeling the tears starting to stream.

"I kissed him."

~~
Nearly twenty minutes had passed -- Todd was sitting on the sofa, his hands clasped and resting on his knees as he sat in silence. He refused to look at me as I sat on the arm chair next to the sofa, wiping my eyes.

After what felt like an eternity, he spoke up. "So, you kissed him....Haley, why?"

I shook my head, "It just happened - everything happened so fast -- I don't know...Todd, I'm so messed up - "

"That's a f&^%$# cop out and you know it," Todd said sternly.

I looked at him, shocked at his demeanor. He had never spoken to me that way before, ever.

I shook my head in silence as more tears fell.

"I just don't understand after everything that he put you through....the way he made you feel and you run back to him and kiss him....did you sleep with him?!"

I shook my head, "of course not! Why would you think that?" I asked incredulously.

"- because I don't know you anymore!" Todd said. "The Haley James that I asked to marry me wouldn't even do this -- she just wouldn't.....I guess I don't even have to ask if you still have feelings for him....."

I refused to look at him which I'm sure gave him my answer. I felt sick -- this was one of the worst times I think I had ever gone through - I was questioning everything about myself at that point.

"...but despite your emotional crisis," he said in a mocking tone, "if you're looking for sympathy, you aren't going to get any," Todd stated matter-of-factly.

"Todd - you don't know how horrible I feel that this has happened.....I'm so sorry that I've hurt you - but I had to tell you the truth."

Todd nodded with a solemn expression, "yeah, I'm glad you did --"

We were silent for a few more moments.

Todd stood after a moment. "Well, Haley...I know you're confused right now-- the kiss, I could maybe even try to deal with -- but the fact you still have feelings for someone else...." he paused a moment, trying to find the right words and shaking his head in a way that told me it was something he certainly could not and would not deal with.

"I know that I love you -- but I don't think I can trust you....." he said, avoiding eye contact with me.

I looked up at him and started to stand up.

Todd put his hand up. "So, I'm going to make all of this a lot easier for you -- goodbye."

....and with those words, he was gone.

~~

Its really for the best," Brooke said, handing me another tissue.

She had come over after Todd left and I had told her about what happened.

I shook my head, "Its only for the best because I created a horrible situation in which he had no other choice..."

Brooke just looked at me. "Like I told you before, the fact that all of this happened at all -- maybe you aren't meant to be with Todd....regardless of what may happen with Nathan."

I wiped my eyes -- it seemed like I'd cried rivers over the past week.

"Does Nathan know? I mean, about you and Todd breaking up?"

I shook my head, "I haven't talked to him -- he was supposed to leave today."

"Maybe you should call him and talk to him about everything," Brooke offered.

I looked up at her in surprise, "so, you're actually supportive of this whole thing with Natha?"

Brooke cocked her head to the side, thinking, "I wouldn't say I'm supportive of Nathan -- more like I am supportive of what you feel you need to do."

I smiled, "Thank you -- that means a lot to me."

"I just don't want you to feel like you ever need to keep something from me, I'm not that judgmental...God knows I've made plenty of mistakes," Brooke said. "...and I'm your friend, so I'll always be here for you - even if I don't always agree with what you do."

We hugged for a moment until Brooke pulled away, looking at her watch.

"I really should be heading out - are you sure you don't want to come and stay with me?"

I shook my head, "no, I think I just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep....I think I need some time by myself."

Brooke nodded, "alright - well call me sweetheart."

It was around midnight - I went to my room and got into my pajamas.

I crawled under my blankets and laid there for the longest time -- thinking about what I needed to do next. I had gone from being engaged to being single in five minutes' time.

I knew the whole effect of it all hadn't sunk in yet - I was numb in a way but could start to feel the dull nag of a void. Todd's absence would really hit me as it should.

I closed my eyes, thinking.

Was Nathan really ready for more? Could I trust him?

Thoughts swimming in my head, I decided that I needed to talk to him about everything that was happening. He had left the ball in my court, so to speak.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number.

"Hello?" Nathan answered.

"Hi, it's Haley, sorry to call so late."

"Hey, it's okay, I'm glad to hear your voice. Luke came up for a few days and I'm challenging him to a Guitar Hero play off," he said, in a soft, laughing tone.

"It's Haley," I could hear Nathan telling Lucas in the background.

"Hales! I miss you!" Lucas yelled from the background.

"Tell him I miss him too and I thought he was supposed to call me!" I laughed.

Nathan laughed too and relayed the message with Lucas promising to call me the next day.

"Oh I see, so you guys are playing video games at midnight -- what? No parties, out on the town for your first night back in Boston?" I asked playfully.

"Nah -I told you -- I've changed...." Nathan said.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "oh really? I certainly saw you at some bars in Tree Hill though."

"Yeah, but that was because I was hoping to see you there," he said in a gentle tone with a hint of flirtation.

My cynicism kicked in. "...a likely story," I said with a smile.

"I'm really glad you called," Nathan said.

"I am too -- I did want to talk to you about some things but I don't want to take you away from what you're doing," I replied.

"No, its fine," Nathan said quickly and I could hear the background noise diminish - he'd stepped into another room.

"What's going on?" he asked me.

"Todd and I broke up," I said.

"Oh &^%," Nathan said. "Are you alright? I mean - "

"Yeah - I told him the truth about running into you and that I kissed you....and he broke up with me."

"Oh, so he broke up with you, not the other way around?" Nathan asked. "...over the kiss?"

"Well, it was more about who I kissed - because of the underlying meaning," I said. I didn't know if I wanted to divulge to Nathan exactly how much Todd had known about my strong feelings for Nathan. Before we had become a couple, Todd had held me for hours when I had cried over my feelings for Nathan.

"I don't really know what to say -- " Nathan replied. "I mean, I'm sure you're sad about all of it....I just can't believe he'd end things over that. I wouldn't let you go that easily, at least not again...not now-- "

I sat in silence for a second. "It's because he doesn't think he can trust me....and who can blame him? I'm just really confused about things - but of course a part of me is upset about it. I mean, he was a huge part of my life - and now everything is over."

"I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted," Nathan said. "I mean - if somehow, you had wanted to stay with him and I had a part in messing it up for you....."

"No, the truth is, I don't think any of this would have happened if I had truly been ready to marry Todd....so, none of this is your fault - I'm an adult not an impressionable child....I got myself into this," I replied.

"So, what happens now?" Nathan asked slowly.

"I don't know -- maybe we can get together when you get back and talk about everything," I replied.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Nathan said.

A few moments later we said our goodbyes and an agreement that Nathan would call in a day or so when he was flying home.

We hung up.

~~~~

Unbeknownst to me - in a nice neighborhood in Boston, Nathan sat back down on the couch where Lucas was playing the game.

"Are we gonna play or not? I'm ready for this tough level!" Lucas said, not taking his eyes from the screen.

Nathan settled in to play the game - and the two went through a series of songs.

During a break, Nathan told Lucas about our phone conversation.

"So what happens now? I need to call that girl and talk to her," Lucas said.

"I don't know -- there you go again - you're never able to mind your own damn business," Nathan said, rolling his eyes.

"Just think long and hard about what you're doing here, little brother," Lucas replied. "I don't know if either of you can make it through another break up - all of us are still reeling from the fall out of the last one."

"I'm determined to make things work out for Haley and me," Nathan said. "I'm not going to lose her twice."