Chapter 10
Amy blended out that she was angry with Lou and Jack and was happy that one after the other offered support and sat next to them beside Carlotta's bed.
But eventually they had to leave and Amy and Ty spent the night alone with theirsick daughter. They didn't talk. Ty felt asleep and then Amy took a moment to pray. She didn't do that often, she actually never prayed aloud. But she needed a miracle.
"Please don't take her. Please don't take her. Show me what I need to do, show me how to be a better person, I will do anything. But please don't take her away now. Please give her the strength to fight this. We can't lose her. She can't die. She is such a special girl, please, please, please, she has the right to live. I can't lose are we supposed to tell Maylin and Jase? I can not do this."
When Amy drifted off into a nerve-racking sleep she dreamed of Carlotta sitting in front of Marion, riding through white things Amy couldn't identify. They were sitting on Pegasus and Carlotta was laughing loudly and free.
Amy woke up sweating. No mom, don't take her, she thought.
At Heartland Lisa was lying awake in bed. Her mind kept racing, she couldn't stop thinking about Carlotta. She had no idea how Jack could sleep right now. On the other hand she knew he was a man that could fall asleep no matter what. One of the things she envied the most. Eventually Lisa got out of bed and threw Jack's shirt over. They were sleeping at Amy's and Ty's house because they were watching the twins and didn't want to take them out of their familiar surroundings at night.
First Lisa sat down at the couch with a glass of wine and turned the TV on. But there was still this lump in her throat that wasn't going away. She stood up again and started walking up and down the room, restless.
Her mind kept wandering to the daughters she has lost so many years ago.
Stop it, she thought, this is not about them. This is about Carlotta, who is going to have a happy and long life. It's about her, not about you.
She told herself over and over again but her mind kept fighting to make it about her. To bring back the pictures of her dead daughters. Her brain forced her to imagine what would have been if they would have lived.
Lisa didn't stop fighting against the pictures, she leaned against the wall next to the door that led to the bedroom in which Jack was sleeping peacefully and told herself that she was going to bed now and that she was going to sleep just as peaceful as her husband. But instead of walking into the bedroom she glided down the wall until she sat on the ground.
That subdued noise was enough to wake Jack up. He didn't wonder why Lisa wasn't in bed with him, he thought that she probably had heard the noise too and checked if the kids were all right. He got up anyway to see if everything was OK.
When he got out the room he jumped to the side, startled by Lisa's body curled up on the wall.
"Lisa, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Can't sleep", Lisa whispered.
"What's going on?" Jack asked.
"I can't", Lisa started talking but started to cry. She hated herself for crying at that moment what made the tears come even more.
"I can't… I can't….", she tried to talk.
"Shh", Jack tried to sooth her and embraced her, "It's OK. It's going to be OK. Everything is all right. Lisa, look at me. Hey, look at me", he said at gently took he head in his hands to get eye contact. Lisa was gasping for air and the sobbing made it even more difficult for her to breath.
She is having a panic attack, Jack thought.
"Lisa, you need to breath. Take a deep breath in. Shh, it's OK. Calm down, calm down. Take deep breaths", Jack ordered gentle but determined.
Lisa tried to do as he said: "I just, I… I'm, I…", she stuttered, unable to say a full sentence.
"Don't talk now. Concentrate on breathing, Lisa", Jack said, looking around the room for a paper back. The house was full with toys from the kids, riding stuff from Amy, all kind of electronic devices from Ty. But no paper bags.
Lisa kept crying and crying but started to get her breathing under control. It took her a long while until the sobbing turned into silent crying.
"There you go, that's much better", Jack whispered, "come one now, let's get you off this uncomfortable floor." He took Lisa by her arm and helped her up, then led her into bed.
There he took her into his arms again and asked: "Are you feeling better?" He didn't want her to ask whether or not she was OK since she obviously wasn't but he also didn't want to let this go without knowing what just happened.
"Yes, thank you", Lisa whispered exhausted.
"I'm sorry", Lisa said after a while.
"You have nothing to apologize for", Jack said.
"I feel like a fool, Jack. Amy and Ty are in the hospital right now, Carlotta is fighting for her life and I…"
"You did nothing wrong, Lisa."
"I just don't want to make this about me", Lisa explained but Jack didn't understand what she meant. He figured that it had something to do with her miscarriage but couldn't figure out what she didn't want to make about her…
"This is about your girls, isn't it?" Jack asked carefully.
"Just seeing Carlotta today. She looked so much like Sophia."
"That must have been hard to see."
"It's such a long time ago", Lisa cried.
"I know, Lis. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to mourn anymore though, especially after such a triggering event like today. I think about Marion all the time, too. I think about what she would tell Amy in this situation, I think about what she would tell Maylin and Jase, I think about her ALL the time. That doesn't mean I can't be there for Amy at the same time. You thinking about your loss doesn't mean you are selfish and can't be there for them. Don't push your pain away, Lisa."
Lisa appreciated every single word Jack had said but couldn't answer. Tears started to overwhelm her again, the pictures of her daughters appearing in her head again.
"I wondered what they would be doing if they would have lived. I wonder how they would look, if they would like Dan, if they would like me, if they would be into horses", she cried.
"They would have been wonderful", Jack whispered.
"Amy can't go through this too, Jack", she murmured.
"I know. But in the end, there is nothing we can do instead of keeping hoping."
"Yeah", Lisa said, "she is going to be OK."
"Yes, she is going to be OK", Jack repeated. Both of them knew, that you could never know that.
The next morning Jack woke up as early as usual. He enjoyed the coziness of the bed one more moment before it hit him. There was no time to enjoy anything right now. Carlotta was sick, Ty and Amy didn't come home, Maylin and Jase needed breakfast and when he looked over his shoulders he saw Lisa, still sleeping tight and remembered her traumatic night. It hurt him more than anything to see his family is so much pain.
But since there was no other way, Jack got out of bed to make breakfast. A little later Maylin and Jase joined Jack in the kitchen and soon all three of them were enjoying their pancakes.
"GG?" Jase asked. It was Katie who had called Jack "GG" first, a short term for "Great-Grandpa".
"Yes?"
"Are mom and dad still with Carlotta?"
"Yes, they still are", Jack answered his question.
"Is Carlotta ever going to come home?" Maylin asked.
"Well, you know she is still sick because she was born so early but if everything goes right she will come home, yes."
"Good", Jase commented.
"I know it's not easy for you two that your mom and dad have to spend so much time at the hospital. But I promise you, it's not going to stay like this for ever", Jack tried to comfort the twins.
Back at the hospital a little comfort was anything Amy wanted. The doctors took Carlotta to do a couple of tests and now Ty and Amy were sitting in the cafeteria, trying to force down some breakfast.
"She looked a little better this morning, didn't she?" Amy murmured.
"Yeah", Ty agreed weak.
"Ty, I feel like we are losing her."
"We are not losing her", Ty said determined.
"I know you don't even want to think about this and neither do I but I mean… we can't… I just feel there is nothing we can do", Amy stuttered a bit incoherent.
"I know. I feel like that do. But we CAN show her that we will not give up hope. We need to fight with her. And besides, I've read that most babies recover fully from NCE."
"Yeah, but what if she needs surgery? With the narcosis and everything the risks are so much higher than…" Amy rambled but Ty stopped her and took her hand into his.
"Don't do this, Amy. Don't try do look ahead of everything. Let's just do the one right thing from now on. On step after the other. Not one marathon after a triathlon."
Amy chuckled gently, "All right then. The next right thing."
"Are you feeling OK aside from Carlotta?" Ty asked.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not that long ago that you were struggling with your own health", Ty explained his question.
"I'm fine", Amy answered quickly.
"Really?"
"Yes", Amy laughed, "I'm OK, Ty. No need to worry about me, it is Carlotta we need to think about."
"All right then", Ty smiled and leaned forwards to gently kiss his wife.
The doctors had good news for Amy and Ty. Carlotta was responding well to the treatment and for now there was no surgery needed.
"Now all we can do is hope that it stays that way", Dr. Wilder smiled and then left the room.
"Oh god, I'm so relieved", Amy sighted and hugged Ty.
"Me too", he whispered into her ears.
"We should go home and see the twins", Amy said, "They must think we forgot them."
"All right", Ty agreed, "I could use a hot shower anyhow."
At Fairfield Lou let the breakfast dishes sink into the sink. She kept staring out of the window without moving until Peter came into the kitchen and asked: "Everything all right, honey?"
Lou turned around: "Hm?"
"You OK?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure", Lou nodded reassuring.
"Did you hear anything from Amy?"
"Not yet but they told us yesterday that they would probably come by in the morning, so I'm gonna drive over there."
"Okay", Peter said and pulled Lou into his arms, "Lou, if there is anything else going on, you know you can tell me."
"I know", Lou smiled.
"So, what is it?" Peter asked again. His determination made Lou laugh out loud. Then she sighted and said: "Amy was so mad at me because I didn't tell her about Tim. I don't know what I can do to make her forgive me, it's not like I can change it."
"I'm sure Amy isn't angry anymore. She must understand why you did it."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Just go talk to her when Carlotta is doing better", Peter suggested. He knew that Amy couldn't be angry with Lou much longer, they were too close after everything they have been through together.
"So, that's what bugging you?" Peter asked.
"Well, if I'm being honest, it's not all that's bugging me", Lou confessed.
"What else is it?"
"I didn't get my period", Lou replied. Peter froze.
"What?"
"Maybe it's just the stress with everything that's been going on but yeah. I think we should get a pregnancy test."
"Oh my god", Peter whispered, "Are you serious?"
"Jup", Lou said, not seeming as happy as Peter was.
"This is amazing", Peter cheered, "Just imagine, we are going to have a baby!"
"Yeah, another round of diapers and spit up."
"You don't seem to be excited", Peter stated.
"How can I be excited to have a baby when my sister's preemi keeps fighting for it's life. It makes scares me, it makes me feel bad about myself, how can I even tell her?"
"Lou, being pregnant is nothing to feel bad about. First of all, you are not even sure that you are pregnant. Secondly, we didn't plan this. We haven't even talked about it for months, it just happened. She can't be angry with you for something you didn't plan."
"Yeah. You are right", Lou smiled weak and that kissed Peter.
"Let's go, buy a pregnancy test", Peter said.
"I'll tell Georgie we'll be back in a couple of minutes", Lou agreed.
At Heartland Amy and Ty just arrived. Jack and Lisa were getting Maylin and Jase ready for the day when Amy and Ty walked into the house.
"Hey there", Jack greeted them carefully, not sure what to read from their face expressions.
"Hey", both of them said at the same time.
"How is she?" Lisa dared to ask.
"She's better", Ty smiled.
"Hey you two", Amy said to her kids, kissing one after the other on the head.
"Hey mommy", Maylin smiled, "look, GG found my favorite shirt."
"That's great, honey", Amy smiled.
"So, what are we doing today", Jase asked, eager for some action.
"Why don't we all go for a ride?" Ty suggested.
"Yaaay", Maylin and Jase were satisfied.
"Well, you have a good day", Jack smiled, happy that the four took some time together.
"Oh, you are not coming with us?" Ty asked. Jack looked at him puzzled but before he could say a word Ty said: "Why don't we all go? We could call Lou and Peter with Georgie and Katie and Tim and Julia. Lisa, can you join us?"
"Oh, it sounds great, but I have a really busy day today, I'm sorry", Lisa answered and excused herself.
"I'll make the calls", Jack said, loving the idea of a family get-together.
Amy looked at her husband: "You are one manipulating guy."
"What?" Ty laughed.
"Making me go on a ride with Grandpa, Lou and Tim."
"Well, I think it might be a good day to make peace with Jack and Lou. And if Tim gets himself out of his misery for a couple of hours – even better!"
Amy got up, kissed him and then got into the bathroom to freshen up. In the guestroom Lisa was gathering her clothes together. Ty and Amy were staying at home again so they didn't need anyone watching the twins.
Then Jack walked into the room.
"It's a shame you can't join us, today", Jack said.
"Yeah, sorry, I just –", Lisa started explaining herself but Jack interrupted her: "Lisa, I'm sure you can move your meetings around. This doesn't have anything to do with last night, does it?"
"No, no, it doesn't. I just don't feel like… like hanging out with everyone today, OK? I don't want to move my meetings around, I just want to think about something else for a change", Lisa said with a cold undertone.
"I still think it would be good for you to relax for a while. You didn't get much sleep in the last nights."
"Jack, don't pressure me", Lisa demanded.
Jack sat down on the bed: "I'm not pressuring you. But you are part of this family and I don't want you to go working all day when I know you could use some relaxing time with the rest of us."
Lisa sighted.
"Fine. I give in."
"Good", Jack smiled, got up and kissed Lisa on the top of her head.
Doing my best to get this out fast!
Guest + GKB - thank you for taking the time for commenting, it's really what keeps me updating.