Chapter Ten

Kai walked Cinder to her room. When she entered, he lingered at her door. She looked at him curiously. "Do you want to come in?"

He hesitated. "I do, but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate."

Cinder cocked her head, trying to read him. "We spent most of the day in your room."

A look of indecision flickered over his face, but then he nodded slowly. "You're right."

He walked in, but instead of coming near her, he leaned himself against the door frame, crossing one leg over the other and slipping his hands into his pockets. He regarded her intently, and Cinder felt a prick of nervousness sweep over her. Why couldn't she make her heart get used to his presence? Surely this had to pass at some point. Feeling drained, she sat down on her bed and hugged her knees into her chest. This way, she could better avoid fiddling with her now glove-less hand.

Kai gave her a slow smile. "I really like Cress. I'm glad that you had me hang out with her while you talked to Thorne."

"I noticed. I'm surprised that you're not dying to know how that conversation went."

"Nah. I realized a few things while you were sitting on his lap—"

"Don't remind me." Cinder cringed and covered her face with her hands.

"If I'm honest, I was initially jealous, but you were right—I should just trust you. It's none of my business really."

"It is, though. It was just a ruse. And Thorne didn't like it either."

He broke into a grin. "That I could see quite clearly."

Cinder noticed the tone of satisfaction that was in his voice. Yes, she would probably feel triumph as well if she were in his shoes.

"Did you talk to Cress about Thorne?"

He considered the question. "In a manner of speaking…yes." He didn't offer any more information though, and Cinder decided to save that conversation for another day. She'd engaged in the Thorne-Cress saga too much today already.

They drifted into silence. Cinder hugged her legs tighter. She looked up and saw that he was still staring at her intently. "What?"

He sighed. "Nothing."

"Kai…you're making me nervous."

"Am I?" He let out a slow breath. "And here I thought I was nervous enough for the both of us."

Cinder felt her own nerves spike. "What are you nervous about?"

He stared at her for a moment longer, then pushed himself off the wall. He walked a few paces closer and gestured to her bed. "May I?"

Cinder nodded. He sat down at least two feet away from her, looking stiff and uncomfortable. After a few moments, he scooted backwards in the bed until he was leaning against one of the posts. Cinder had to turn herself around to avoid craning her neck when she looked at him. She crossed her legs and studied him as he fiddled with the sleeves on his shirt. She wasn't used to seeing him like this, especially because it was so different from the demeanor he'd had only hours earlier.

"Kai."

"Hmm?"

"You said I was easy to talk to. So talk to me."

He looked up at her, his face shy and hesitant. "I'm not sure where to go from here, honestly. I hope that you liked what we did this afternoon, and hopefully I seemed more confident than I really am in this department. I mean, I've been on some dates, but—being a prince growing up you have certain expectations—there were other responsibilities—er, I haven't really had a lot of time to plan through what would happen when I actually did fall for someone." He looked sheepish.

Relief washed through Cinder. With all of Kai's flirtatiousness in New Beijing, she had imagined that he was more experienced with matters of the heart. At least she wasn't the only one who had no clue what was normal or not in the course of a relationship.

"I've never even been on a date before," she admitted.

"Really?" He smiled kindly. "Sorry that I couldn't do any better this afternoon. Limited resources. You know, we went over that."

"No, I had a great time."

He brightened. "So did I. I had an incredible time."

She moved closer to him, and his face fell slightly.

"You're doing it again."

"What?"

"Being weird!"

He laughed, but it was strained. "There's more, unfortunately. I've had some time tonight to think about our...situation. And I feel, torn, I guess. There's this huge part of me that can't wait to see where this goes. I really like you, Cinder, and I can't stop thinking about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I tried even after you escaped from prison. And last night, and today—wow! I just wish that all I could do was keep pursuing you, and do whatever normal couples do as they get to know each other."

Cinder's heart dropped despite the compliments. She knew there was a "but" coming. And she was pretty sure she knew what it was. The look on his face turned serious. "Running into Wolf tonight sobered me up."

"I know, Kai."

"You do?"

Cinder nodded. "Don't you think I feel the same?"

"It's just—what are we—how can we—stars I can't get say anything right today! In my office, when you and Iko broke in…you mocked me about some of my assumptions. You said, 'there was never going to be a forever.' I realized in that moment that you were right, because as you pointed out, I was the Emperor of a country and you—" he paused.

"I was a nobody," she offered.

"You were somebody to me. But I got it—it made sense the way you put it. But now," he rushed on, "things have changed. Stars, Cinder, you're the heir of Luna! And let's say we win, let's say we somehow make it through all that's about to come, and do defeat Levana. Then what?"

She didn't know how to answer him. The look on his face confirmed all the doubts that had been weighing on her as well. She'd done a good job of pushing her problems away today, as if this day alone were the eye of a storm. It was too frightening to think about what would happen later, and the inevitable circumstances that would separate them even if they succeeded: her on Luna, and Kai on Earth.

Could there be a happy ending for any of them? If they were able to save Scarlet, what would happen with her and Wolf when this was over? Surely they would refuse to be separated again. But one was Lunar, one was Earthen. Just like her and Kai. Technically—legally—they weren't even allowed to live in the same place. And if by some off chance Cress and Thorne ended up together, they would have the same problem.

Why was she even considering these scenarios? It was so silly to be thinking of these things with the prospect of taking on Levana looming so close in the future. If all of them survived this, that would be all that mattered. Wouldn't it? Yes, she told herself firmly. Maybe they couldn't all be together, but at least they would be safe.

Kai clenched his fists in frustration. "Above everything else, I feel so useless. I know we can't get to the moon any sooner, but this feeling of helplessness is driving me crazy. I've deserted my people and left everyone on Earth to deal with the mess I made."

"The mess I made," Cinder protested. "You didn't come willingly, remember? And, if you hadn't met me at all, you'd probably be happily married by now."

"Yes I'm sure I would have been just brimming with joy if it weren't for you," he said grimly, but she knew he was teasing.

"Can we pause for a second and talk about that?"

"About what?"

"You marrying Levana."

He groaned. "What about it?"

"I know she just needs the marriage document in order to be Empress, but wouldn't there be someone more suitable? She's so much older than you – you can't tell me you don't think it's slightly creepy."

"Cinder, everything about Levana is creepy."

For a minute, they laughed about Levana. But it was short-lived.

"It wouldn't have been like a real marriage, Cinder. There are plenty of marriages—non-royal ones too—where affection is missing from the equation. It's a marriage of convenience – not that this made me feel any better about it. It's just what I've been trying to tell myself the last few weeks."

"And if she murders you right away then you don't need to worry about having an affection-less marriage."

"Wow. I'm glad I didn't have you as my council during that time period. Don't think I could have handled all your optimism."

She smirked.

"Besides, Torin pointed out that she wouldn't kill me right away. She needs an heir."

Cinder wrinkled her nose. She hadn't thought about that. "And that's supposed to make you feel better?"

Kai shifted his eyes uncomfortably. "I know, I know. It's really gross."

"Right now it is…but I guess when it came down to it, you would probably enjoy it. She would just glamour you into it."

Kai looked horrified. "Oh stars…"

"Anyway," said Cinder, fumbling for the right words.

"Yeah," said Kai, "moving on…"

"Do you think we made a mistake, trying to get to know each other today? Do you…regret…that we kissed?" It was the question she'd wanted to ask him for a while. She braced herself for the worst.

A pang of realization followed by a look of hurt flashed over Kai's eyes. He quickly scooted in front of her, now only inches away from her face. The tips of his fingers barely grazed her knee.

"Oh, Cinder. No. Absolutely not. That's not what I meant. I just wish we had more time to actually be together."

He startled her by pulling her into a crushing embrace. She wrapped herself around him too, wishing that she could disappear in his arms. Kai rested his chin on her head as she buried her face in his chest. "What are we going to do?" he whispered into her hair.

"Can we just have a few more hours of pretend?"

"I'm not very good at pretending. Or hiding my emotions. At least, that's what Torin tells me."

"Then don't hide them, maybe?" Pressed up against him, Cinder was quickly losing the battle of her mind over her heart. This probably wouldn't be the right choice for either of them. "We could just…see what happens. We don't know for sure how any of this will turn out, anyway."

He squeezed her tighter and then kissed the top of her head.

"Hey," she said, "I just realized that your soap smell is gone."

"What?" said Kai.

"You used to smell like soap. Probably the kind Thorne has on this ship is different than what you normally use, so now the scent is gone."

Kai chuckled. "Well you don't smell like grease anymore."

Cinder pulled her head up to give him a glare and he released her, laughing. He put his arms protectively in front of his body like a shield. "Just don't hit me with the titanium!"

For the first time, she didn't feel self-conscious about her cyborg hand. She knew Kai meant it in an endearing way. His reaction made her grin, but she swatted him with her human hand for good measure anyway.

Kai leaned against the wall and Cinder followed suit. He took her hand and laced their fingers together. "I want to know more about you, Cinder. I want to hear about your life, your plans, everything."

Cinder looked him, doubtful. "That's very…ambitious…Kai, but it doesn't matter right now. There's no room for plans. You know that."

He shrugged. "I know, I'm sorry. I just don't want the last month to be the only thing I know about you –regardless of how this ends."

"Well, there's not that much to know. My life as I know it really only started a few years ago."

"What do you mean?"

Cinder rested her head on his shoulder. She launched into the story of how she had woken up in France and come to live in the Eastern Commonwealth. Her life with the Linh family. Her work. Iko. Kai told her about what it was like growing up in the palace as a prince. They talked for what seemed like hours.

It was easier to focus on the past than to think about the future.

After Cinder had yawned more than a few times, Kai finally got up off the bed. "We should get some sleep. It seems like Wolf's got some things planned for us tomorrow."

She walked with him for the few feet it took to get to the door. He paused and turned towards her.

"I'm glad we talked so much today," he said, trailing his fingers through her hair.

"Even if we didn't solve anything?"

"Even then." He settled his hand on her cheek. For a brief moment, he looked into her eyes again, as if searching for something. But just as quickly, he closed them and brought his lips to hers. Cinder's own eyes fluttered shut as she let herself be kissed, once again, by the Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth. It still seemed surreal.

Their lips parted, and she expected him to pull away and bid her goodnight. But he kissed her again.

And again.

And again.

She reached for him, getting lost in the way her heart was doing somersaults. He pulled away briefly and smiled at her, looking a bit dazed. She craved more, and this time it was Cinder who explored his lips—slowly, gently, savoring each moment. He grabbed her waist and pulled her close to him. She felt the heat radiate off their lips as his kisses became more passionate.

Suddenly, he broke away, looking almost alarmed. "I have to go," he said, a rough edge to his voice.

"Okay," said Cinder weakly, as Kai hurried out the door.

She sat back down on her bed, almost trembling from Kai's adoring kisses. She wished, more than ever, that Peony could have been here now. Because Cinder had officially joined the throng of girls who swooned at Emperor Kaito's feet.

Kai paced in his room, unable to fall asleep. What an intense day. Linh Cinder had given him many sleepless nights in the Eastern Commonwealth, so why had he expected it to be any different now? He just couldn't get this girl off of his mind. Hanging out with her was so much more enjoyable than anything else he had been doing lately. He should have let himself get kidnapped sooner.

This was Cinder, the girl who was easy to talk to. The girl he had met at the market who had slowly captured his heart. The girl who had risked everything not once, but twice, to protect him.

She was so pretty. It was an unconventional type of pretty—the kind that you didn't find on a daily basis, and he treasured that. With everyone around him always fussing about looks and appearances, it was a relief to see that someone could pull off a natural look.

When the thought of his lips on hers came pouring back into his mind, he sat down on the bed, and collapsed backward in surrender.

He was in deep. Oh stars, was he in trouble.

Thoughts jumbled, he tried to remember all the rules of royal courtships. His parents had made him take a class once, though he had been quite young at the time and hadn't paid much attention. He didn't need the manual, however, to know that he was probably breaking every rule that existed. And in only one day, to make matters worse. He knew that as an Emperor he was required to uphold certain expectations and values that had been set by his family and ancestors before him. Expectations and values that he very strongly agreed with—until he had practically dissolved into Cinder's embrace and gotten carried away.

He still had a country to run. He could not afford to get carried away.

And neither could Cinder.

Because this was Princess Selene. The future Lunar Queen, if they were successful. The fate of all of Earth could very well rest in her hands.

And she was his.