Chapter 9

Birthday

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

-Fleetwood Mac

The C-Sec docking bay was busier than usual that morning though there was no air traffic. On one side of Bay 57, the one nearer the elevator, there were some gossipy dock officials trying to push their way through the C-sec officers blocking their way and a couple reporters who managed to get up the platform despite the security, trying to take vids of the event on the other side. On the other side, was a woman or a girl—no one could tell her age—pointing a gun at another: Shepard. The standoff took quite some time. Shepard calmly said a few words while the trembling girl shouted threats. Because of the various noises—the clamour of people and roaring ship engines—no one could seem to understand or hear the words uttered by either Shepard or the girl. As they talked, Shepard gently inched her way towards the girl. When she was close enough, she allowed the girl to take something from her hand—a pill—a pill that the girl swallowed. Soon, the girl's legs began to wallow and she fell into Shepard's arms, asleep.

The crowd roared as Shepard walked to the other side, carrying the girl. As she slid the sleeping girl into Lt Girard's arms, she softly said, "She wants to get better." There was a gentleness and a sort of kinship at the way she looked at the girl; the way that one looks at one's self in the mirror. Reporters flashed pictures of it. Making her way towards the reporters, she held up her hand and formally said, "The matter has been resolved. Please do not bother the traumatized victim." The small sea of people was silent almost in awe, but they cleared a path for us and Shepard as we headed towards the elevator.

No one said a word during the slightly crowded elevator ride. The only thing that one could hear is the old melancholy song from the speakers:

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and
I'm getting older too
Oh, I'm getting older too.

Perhaps she was thinking of her lost family or the others who died around her. I knew because despite the steely expression on her face, there was a glint of sadness in her eye that seemed to speak of something that was lost.

After some heated discussions with the Council, Shepard decided that we should take a walk down the Presidium to cool our jets. Just a few meters down from the Emporium, we saw a tea rose bush with its flowers in full bloom being warmed by an artificial sun. Shepard smiled upon seeing it.

"I have never seen one of these in years," she said. "Williams, what is the current date on earth?"

"April 23, Ma'am," she answered.

She looked happy, but there was that glint of sadness in her sapphire eyes again.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Tali asked. It appears that I am not the only one who seemed to notice.

She did not answer the question except with a firm, "Move out."

No one saw Shepard at dinner that night. I checked the logs. According to the VI, she had gone out. I decided to head out and find her. Sure, I knew that she could take care of herself, but I was worried.

It did not take me long to find her. She was sitting on a bench near the Emporium where the rosebush was. She was still wearing her armor. Traces of tears were on her cheeks. When she saw me, I think she tried to rub off all the evidence away. I took the seat beside her.

After a few silent moments, I asked, "Any sign of rainclouds?"

She smiled. "A little rain isn't going to kill me."

"Then I don't mind getting a little damp."

A passing turian who heard our brief exchange looked up to the sky and shook his head. The night-sky was clear, showing every star, every system, and every constellation—a map of our universe. We stifled giggles as the turian gave us a strange look before moving on.

When our little euphoria died down, she said, "It's not all gloom and rainclouds. There are bits of sunshine in it too."

"Let's hear it then." By this time, I had already leaned back on my seat and fixed my eyes on her. She returned the gaze as if to tell me that she wasn't afraid.

She continued, "My father wasn't really my actual father. No one knew who he was, not even my Mom. She was an artist back on Earth. She said there were many months and weeks that she couldn't remember. She didn't even remember when she gave birth to me, only that she was very happy then and that on her hospital window, the roses were in full bloom. Wandering the galaxy with me in tow, she met my father who loved her and decided to give us both his name. Because of that, I believe she loved him too. Because no one knew the exact date of my birth, my father planted tea roses in our garden, and we three celebrated my birthday whenever they were in full bloom. I think we used to celebrate it for days. He wasn't my father you see, but he was damn proud of me as if I were his real daughter."

"So let me get this straight—April 11 is not your real birthday?" I interrupted her.

"April 11 is the date my mother put in just to give me one on official records." She raised an eyebrow and looked at me suspiciously.

"What?" I asked defensively. "It's all in the extranet."

"The extranet is not a reliable source," she replied with a naughty grin. "Lieutenant, you should have gotten your data from a more reliable source."

"Next time I will if my source doesn't object to it."

"I am sure she would be completely cooperative."

At that point I was completely aware of how literally close our bodies were to each other. I didn't have to reach out to free her silky hair from its light bun or smell her summery scent. Her full plumlike lips were there, inviting me. We were like two asteroids on collision courses, but we were still light-years away from a full collision.

I tried to remember what exactly we did on April 11. For the past month, we dealt with biotic extremists, privateers, Cerberus thugs and batarian extremists on Asteroid X57. Not a lot of people remembered dates, probably not even Shepard, because the day that mattered to us all was the day we finally stop Saren. I remember the last incident though. When Balak gave made her choose between the lives of the colonists or his capture, she chose the first but not without trying to accomplish both. After we had disabled the bombs, I remember the desperate chase she made, but it was too late. The batarians had taken off. On the Mako, she ordered us to fire on ships that were already out of range. In her anger, it took a few minutes for her to realize that they were gone. As we headed back to the colony, she softly told me, "I wish I could have saved one more from him." When I tried telling her that she already did just that, she told me that it was not enough. I knew her reasons were personal, pointing to deep old wounds.

She continued, "The day the batarians came, the rosebuds were already coming out but father told me to wait. Mom was digitally enhancing one of our family vids. It was a warm sunny day, but every day was the same for the kids at my school. I didn't know why they hated me and were always after me. So like any other day, I hid from them. That day specifically, I chose to hide under a loose floorboard. I remember expecting them to come for me, but then I heard frightened screams—their screams. There was the smell of burnt flesh and then more screams, this time, screams of intense pain. I didn't know how long I stayed under there. Time seemed to pass slowly, and I fell into a deep sleep. By the time I woke up, I was already in a hospital in another system where I was told that my parents and my home were no more."

Small teardrops made their way down her pale cheeks. I wanted to brush my hand on and tell her that everything is alright. But she turned away.

"I escaped from my first foster home. I wanted to go back to my own home to see that it was really gone. With the little money that I had, I managed to get on a ship back to Mindoir. The place that I got back to was only a burnt skeleton of its former self and all that was left of Father's roses were ashes. I remember lying on the hollow ashen floor staring up at the stars. It was only then that I realized that I had no more roof over my head. In the morning, people found me and I was taken to another home."

"I moved from place to place from that time on. I had no money to pay my way through higher education, but I wanted to do something with my life. So I enlisted. The rest is history."

I wanted to take her in my arms, but she stopped me with her hand and stood up. "I do not want your pity Kaidan. Like you, this is what makes me human." She stood silently for a few moments with her back turned towards me. I couldn't see if she was crying or not. I think she was. "I just need to me alone."

I let her walk away.

I couldn't sleep that night, because I had to do something. Joker turned on his bed and grumbled when he heard me turn on my terminal. Knowing that we were leaving in two days and that the flowers I was looking for were rare and artificially maintained in the Citadel, I ordered tea roses from every extranet site I could find. That enabled to rest, at least for a bit.

By 0900 hours that day, the roses started arriving in massive bouquets and bunches. In a few minutes, Shepard's quarters were filled with them. In a couple of hours, there were flowers from the engineering deck to the CIC. Thank God I didn't order cards or gave a name with them.

Ashley was smelling a rose when she entered the mess with Tali and Garrus. Ashley held the rose to Tali's helmet.

"Smell it," Ashley teased. "It's nice."

"No thank you," replied Tali. "The smell might trigger an allergic reaction."

Ash then turned and extended it to Garrus. Garrus held his arms up. "No please, I am great with guns, not roses."

Ashley giggled.

Garrus shrugged. "What?" He obviously did not get the unconscious reference.

Ashley met my eyes threw me a knowing look. She knew.

Shepard did not come down that day. She found many reasons to keep her above deck. The flowers caused a stir in the CIC. There were talks about who sent it: a charity, the Council or a secret admirer? I kept quiet. I signed onto a terminal several meters from Shepard, but close enough so I could see her. She was busily typing something on hers. In a couple of minutes, I received a couple of messages:

ShepardA: I am sorry about yesterday. ShepardA: Thanks for the roses.

I spied her from across the room. She was smiling at me. Of course, I had to reply.

AlenkoK: You're welcome.

AlenkoK: Happy birthday.

I looked up again. This time she was typing, before she met my eyes again.

ShepardA: It's past my birthday already. Global warming on Earth has moved the season for roses a few months back.

There was childlike honesty in her sapphire eyes that spoke of unspoken pain. If we weren"t where we were at that moment, I would have impulsively taken her into my arms. A reply was the only thing I could give her.

AlenkoK: I don't care. In season or off-season, I will always remember you whenever I see roses.

I meant every word. She just stood there with a blank expression staring at her monitor. For a few seconds, I wondered if I should have written such a reply.

Pressly happened to walk by her. He stopped when he saw Shepard's face. "Commander, are you alright?" he asked with much concern in his voice.

"Yes, I am perfectly fine."

"Then why are you crying?"

I did not see her tears, because I regrettably signed onto a terminal that is far from Shepard's. Trying to maintain a little bit of the poise that she always had, she wiped traces of tears in her eyes and flashed Pressly a sweet smile. "It's my birthday, Pressly."

Several heads turned towards Shepard. Pressly looked confused. Shepard patted him on the shoulder and smiled again at me. Everyone watched as she slowly walked towards the cockpit and as she took the comm from Joker. Her strong voice resounded on the speakers:

"Crew: report to Flux at exactly 2000 hours. Drinks are on me."

A collective cheer resounded on the CIC, but all that mattered to me was that she was happy. Someday, I hoped that she would stop grieving. I had hoped that when that day comes, she would see me.