TEN

"Do you love Peeta?"

Johanna Mason, queen of tact. We're hiding from the team building activities taking place on the lawn. It's too much touching for me. I think it's too much courteousness and cooperation for Johanna. I'm sitting against a tree enjoying the cool shade. Johanna lies sprawled on the grass baking in the sun. She rolled up her shirt and pants. I'm surprised she didn't just take her clothes off. She sits up.

"You don't have to answer. I just always wanted to know." She twists her arms above her head and cracks her back. She settles on her stomach with her chin propped in her hands.

"Not the way he loves me." I stretch my legs out in front of me. We haven't talked about Peeta yet in therapy, but when he comes up, I think I know what I'll say. "Haymitch always said I didn't deserve him."

"Haymitch is a bastard."

"True, but he's right. I don't deserve Peeta and Peeta doesn't deserve me. He needs someone else, someone-I don't know, someone not me and I need someone not him."

"I was engaged once," She does this, I've noticed. When Johanna can't find the words, she offers up an experience instead. "to a boy from back home. I was 17. We'd been sleeping together for like a year. It was the night before the reaping. My name was in there like 40 times and so was his. He just blurted it out. Like in the throes of fucking, he asks me to marry him." She scoffs, "I said yes. I don't even think I loved him, but I said yes. I was high on fear and hormones. We stayed out all night. We strolled into that reaping hand in hand. All stained clothes and sex hair. I kissed him hard on the mouth, two peacekeepers pulled us apart." She runs her finger across her lips. "I felt powerful and safe. I felt untouchable and then they fucking pulled my name out of that bowl." She yanks a few pieces of grass and starts to braid them together.

"Why didn't you marry him?"

"He said he would wait for me and you know what? The kid did. But, when I got back he just wasn't what I wanted anymore."

"Do you know what you want?"

"No idea. Do you?" She leaps up and strolls over to join me in the shade.

"I have no idea."

She slips the grass bracelet she made around my wrist. "Maybe love ain't for the likes of you and me."

"Maybe not." That thought doesn't hurt me like I think it would hurt someone like Peeta. I think I could be all right if I never fell in love. I don't want to be alone, but I don't need to be in love.

"I think I've got sunburn." She presses a finger into her skin. It flashes white and turns back to pink.

"I'm shocked you still have clothes on."

"They do not take kindly to nudity here." She says this as though that stance is irrational.

"You're a high class lady, Johanna Mason."

"I'm a good time. You'd be so bored if I weren't here."

"I would probably get in less trouble."

"Exactly, boring." She draws out the word. She nudges me with her elbow. "I have to tell you something." Her tone is serious as she stares down at her hands gathered in her lap.

"What?" I choke down my panic.

"You can't laugh. Promise me you won't laugh."

"I promise, damn it, Johanna. What is it?"

She looks out across the grounds, "As part of my therapy." She starts and stops. She clears her throat and spits out in one breath, "As part of my stuff, I have to tell you're important to me. I'm glad you're here and it is important to me that even after this is all over, and even if we go our separate ways, that we stay in contact with one another. There. I said it. Don't let it go to your head."

She won't look at me. She's staring straight ahead and there's a tightness in her jaw that betrays her feigned calm. We're bad at this, but it's a comfort that we can be bad at this together.

I throw my shoulder into her, "Well, duh. We're in this together." I hold my wrist up, "Jewelry has been exchanged. You're stuck with me."

She visibly relaxes and her body presses warm against me. The pressure of Johanna next to me is a comfort. Sometimes I crave the contact of another person. Johanna is safe. Johanna is easy.

"Johanna!" A nurse finds us hiding in the shade. "You're late for your session with Dr. Cace. Come on, up! Everdeen find something productive to do."

Johanna stands slowly. Irritating the nurses is almost as fun as trying to make craft lady cry or the doctor swear. Johanna doesn't walk away, she saunters. Cat-like and confident. She smiles at me over her shoulder. She is the very picture of careless precision. Shoulders back, head up, she stalks away. It's reassuring to know there are cracks in her foundation; it's a comfort to know she's pretending too. We're a mess, but at least we're a mess together.

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