A/N: WOW sorry sorry i ran out of ideas and forgot this fic was still "active" and then inspiration happened ! also i havent gotten enough sleep in like a month so here u go :9 gay angsty demigods and WOW im sadistic
any reviews / suggestions would be appreciated loves ! when i get inspo i knock out a chapter in like a few days yahoo
warning: suicide and self-harm mention
Re-assimilating was harder than Percy had expected. And he'd expected the worst.
Of course it made sense why they couldn't bear to look at him; some because of hatred, others from awful pining for him to return- and after he did, they had nothing to look forward to. It was over. Percy Jackson had been thrown back into the disorganized fray of the war's aftermath, and nothing had changed. Percy Jackson wasn't their messiah or doom-bringer after all. He didn't mean anything.
So in other words, this experience was worse than being accepted into Camp in the first place, worse than trudging through the underworld after thinking his mother was slaughtered. Worse than killing children in the war.
Because at least when he killed he was pumped full of adrenaline; he didn't feel the loss of his humanity, didn't feel the blood spattered over his clothes and skin or hear the thud as they hit the ground, lifeless. He hadn't felt anything during that faded time. Those memories only existed as smudged recollections and imprints of sounds and injuries.
Here, surrounded by people he knew, it was worse for Percy.
Because he wasn't hit up on adrenaline, he wasn't set on blocking it out- Percy could feel every agonizing pair of eyes on him, betrayed or filled with toxic relief. The emotions were overwhelming, while Percy remained unable to protect himself with any barrier, physical or mental. He could feel everything. And that was the worst part, that's what made it even more painful than anything else he could remember, was that everyone he used to trust had seemed to forget who he was. For good or for bad; they didn't remember Percy Jackson for the considerate leader and loyal friend he was.
Or used to be.
In any case, the demigods he used to know either ignored him, put him on ah undeserved pedestal, or wanted to tear his throat out.
He'd locked himself in he and Luke's room for a long time. Or at least, it seemed a long time, going without much to eat or drink and having nothing to do- it couldn't have been longer than a day and a half, at most two days, until Luke persuaded him to at least get himself together, hopefully with the intent to leave the room with some shred of dignity.
Luke's mindset was considerably different. Comically different, even.
He bit back his amusement as he helped the worn and distressed son of Poseidon into the bathroom to wash himself and brush his teeth for the first time in days. He pecked a kiss onto his forehead as he rubbed a washcloth over the boy's stolid form, watching Percy stare at the tiled wall of the bathtub with no intention of cleaning himself without the other's help.
It was almost funny to him. While he knew Percy was hurting, he couldn't help feel a godly control over the situation, biting back a laugh, wondering if his tongue would start to bleed. Wondering if Percy would find it entertaining at all if he kissed him while tasting copper behind his teeth.
Luke thought it would kick up the emotion, in any case. Because at the moment Percy was a lifeless corpse in his bathtub staring at the wall with no intention of getting out, even after the water ran cold.
And somehow he found that funny to think about. How passively fucked up Percy had become over all this.
He wanted to help him, but also was quite enjoying watching the process.
"Percy..." he started, hoping to at least get a reaction to work off of. "Percy, are you there? Hello?"
No answer besides a now audible inhale, and a long exhale of air. Percy seemed to think it was near his last one, and was taking his time letting it go.
Luke dropped his washcloth into the bath water, bored. Enjoying this breakdown would be easier if Percy showed at least some emotion. Now it was just making him feel guilty.
"Percy. Get it together." He cupped his hands with water and splashed it onto said demigod's face, skipping the sweet and soft whispers of "are you okay?" and "Percy, talk to me".
It didn't effect the demigod much, but he blinked and actually made eye contact with the boy sitting outside the bath; that's a start, Luke thought with a small smile.
"Are you gonna stay in here forever?" Luke asked, crossing his arms and resting them against the bathtub rim.
Percy nodded, breaking eye contact to stare at the water, willing it to ripple back and forth- to form fluid shapes at will.
"So you're gonna slit your wrists and bleed out in the tub, or what?"
"No. No, I'm not..." Percy reacted immediately to the suggestion, snapping his head up to look at Luke again, the watery shapes dissipating. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I've been rubbing your back trying to cope with your shit attitude for two days now. And I'm not leaving you alone in the bathtub to drown yourself." Luke shrugged, tapping his nails against the white acrylic. "Get out."
"I'm not going to commit suicide, you fucking prick..." Percy hissed, "Fuck off."
"Well at least you're talking now."
Luke stood up with a groan, sore from sitting on his knees for so long. Grabbing a larger towel from under the sink, he turned and walked back into the bedroom to grab some clothes for the kid. They were all probably dirty, but he chose the cleanest ones from the pile on the floor. And back to the bathroom, Luke realized too late that the demigod wouldn't need the towel.
Percy had stood, embarrassed- finally, a visible emotion- and had stepped out perfectly dry, grabbing the clothes from Luke without a second thought.
"Thanks..." he mumbled, stepping into boxers and sweatpants with noticeable unsteadiness.
Luke held his shoulders as he dressed with genuine concern for once.
"Did you sleep at all?"
"Don't remember."
Luke rolled his eyes. That meant 'no' in a vague way; he'd hoped Percy would feel better after a nice hour or two of sitting in water, but it didn't seem to help as much as he'd hoped. The blond took his hands away as the demigod slipped a loose t-shirt over his own head.
"You want any help?" With anything?
"I'm okay."
"Alright..." You're not.
Luke cleared his throat, running limited options through his mind. He reached out to rub Percy's arm, gripping his shoulder.
"I'm going to leave, okay? I'm leaving. You do what you want."
Percy finally looked up again, hair falling limply against his forehead, green eyes unusually dull.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to shore for a while." Luke walked out of the bathroom, towards the door of their suite- Percy following like a dog on a leash. "I'll grab you something: what do you want?" He settled back against the door, not content with leaving just yet.
"Hard liquor," Percy replied, the joke more sardonic than intended. "Or just some tortilla chips..."
"Quite the combination," Luke snickered, crossing his arms. "But only if you get out for a little."
"Sure," was the offhanded reply, with obviously no intention of following through.
"For like, five minutes."
"I said okay, Luke..."
"Yeah, but I don't believe you in the slightest," the son of Hermes grinned, hoping his offhanded positivity rubbed off on the other demigod. "Get out for a little. Jump over the rail or something, like you did before, that was nice, right?"
"It'll look like I'm running away. They'll kill me."
"Yeah, you're right, don't do that." Luke let go, stepping around Percy to grab at the doorknob to leave- "I'm serious, get out for a little. I'll be back in a few hours."
"Can't I come with you?"
"Go find Nico. He's probably worried sick."
That lit a spark in Percy, his pit of self-pity shallowing slightly as worrying about someone else became a higher priority. He blinked twice, looking around at the realization that he hadn't seen the boy in a while. Too long. He needed to make sure Nico was okay, it was his responsibility...
Luke smiled as he left, hoping Percy would take care of himself. Glad he'd hit that nerve that would wind up Percy's gears and get him going.
"Keep out of trouble, Perce."
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Percy had gone back into the bathroom to actually fix himself up. Sure, he'd taken a bath- but he still looked like shit. Bags under his eyes, chapped lips and mussed hair- his complexion paler than usual, it looked like he really had slit his wrists and come back to apologize for being a piece of shit. To say sorry for the umpteenth time.
He wondered if he really could harm himself. If he genuinely willed it, would that cancel out his immortality? Like how two Styx-blessed demigods could hurt and kill each other..?
Self harm had been on his mind lately. Not as a legitimate option, but just... on his mind.
Percy stared at the sink. Gripped the edge of the counter. Made a face, screwed his eyes tightly closed and bit his lip- get it together.
The son of Poseidon quickly pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind, breathing heavily through his nose to look up at the mirror. He craned his neck from side to side, rubbing at his muscles- sore, which he hadn't noticed until now. And he needed makeup, or something. Something drastic. Cause he wasn't going to look much better without some sort of miracle. Pressing the pads of his fingers against his cheeks, he rubbed circles- hoping to at least get some colour back into his face. He looked dead.
But he didn't feel as dead anymore, which was a step forward. As being they key word.
It took Percy ten minutes to get his act together; to feel confident enough to actually leave the room. He paced for a few minutes, shook out his arms and hands for another couple- groaned for a flat out five. Collapsing on top of the messy bed, punching his pillow- groaning even more into the sheets. It worked eventually.
The demigod ended up standing in front of the door for another few long moments, leveling his breathing and wondering whether he would actually ever reach for the doorknob.
Long story short, he eventually figured out how to get out of the musty room without vomiting or passing out.
The air smelled nicer, that's what he noticed first. It was still light out, probably cutting a little into in the afternoon, and the skies were clearer than they'd been in weeks. Percy felt better immediately, if not by much- but just smelling the air and the salty ocean and feeling a slight breeze helped more than locking himself in a dark room for another day.
And luckily no one was out on the deck for the most part, and so Percy roamed for a few minutes without being recognized or disturbed. He stepped cautiously towards the railing, hoping he wouldn't be called out.
He leaned over the rail, reaching a hand out and willing a sample of sea water up to his hand, mulling it back and forth between his palms as a comforting mechanism of sorts. He turned back around, settling casually back against the railing, looking down at the ball of water as he ran it through his fingers in different patterns.
"Hey. Jackson."
Percy looked up, expecting it, and so wasn't surprised or perturbed by the harsh call.
He didn't recognize the kid, a tall dark boy who was gritting his teeth together. Presumedly he wanted to spit at him more rather than just two words. He reminded him of Annabeth. He missed her. He wondered if this boy could have known the daughter of Athena, but it was just a fleeting thought.
Percy chose his reply carefully, not wanting to set him off.
"I'm sorry, should I leave?" he said softly, cupping the water he held tightly into a ball. Trying to seem small, insignificant, not worth fighting. "I can get out of your way if you want."
"You're not in my way. I came over to you, dumbfuck-" he stepped closer, getting into Percy's personal space- "Where's your fancy sword that's so famous?"
"I don't have it-"
"Bullshit."
"Why, though?" Percy kept his voice down despite the other's near-shouts. "I'm not going to fight you. Please just- back off, I'll go somewhere else." He made a move to un-corner himself, but the other kid gripped the railing on either side of Percy's shoulders to stop him. The son of Poseidon nearly rolled his eyes.
"Do you remember me at all?"
This was a trick question that Percy had endured on countless occasions. Yes, whether it was true or not, only caused an angry hot mess of "you remember what you did" and "then you know why I'm going to pummel you". No did just the same, but for the opposite reason, accompanied by a lot more explaining.
So Percy decided to completely avoid answering.
"I'm not going to fight you. I don't want to. You shouldn't either. There's no point, it's all over now..."
It didn't work as well as he'd hoped it would.
The dark boy's teeth were visible now in the form of a snarl, as he punched the railing so hard it echoed around the deck. Percy barely flinched.
"You don't remember at all, then?! You looked at me in the eyes and swung at Jessie instead! You fucking killed her. And you looked at me while you did it. You fucking nearly cut her in half-"
The kid was a mess, his spitting venom causing more demigods to hear and gather, muttering- but keeping their distance out of respect.
He rambled for a minute or two on, Percy listening with half his mind turned off- he knew he'd done horrible things. He wasn't hearing anything new. He'd already paid a mental toll for it all.
"You- fucking monster- you're going to fight me, and I'm going to kill you..." the boy finished, pushing off the railing to stand back a couple feet. Breathing hard. He gestured out, a understandably wild look in his eyes. "Come on. Where's your Riptide, or whatever?"
Percy had it on him, he never went anywhere without it out of habit from the past year- but wasn't going to admit it and give any sort of justification for an actual swordfight on the deck of Princess Andromeda.
"I'm not fighting you..." Percy sighed. "I'm immortal. You couldn't hurt me anyways."
The boy grinned slyly-
"I know your Achilles heel. Everyone does. It's common knowledge, you prick."
Well. That made things more exciting. Percy was almost interested now.
Movement caught his eye as a figure recognizable as Nico pushed his way to the front of the growing crowd. He broke through with little effort with his small form, shoving the tall boy to the side before anything could happen. Like a punch thrown. Which the kid had already gripped his fingers into fists to do before Nico hit him in the side.
"What are you doing?!" he hissed, again pushing against the taller boy's frame, just for show rather than it actually doing anything. "Are you insane?"
"He killed Jess, get out of the way death boy-"
"Don't call me that- you're not doing anything to him-"
"Luke said we could rough him up as much as we wanted-"
"You know he didn't mean that! Leave him alone, he hasn't-"
Percy stood back as the two argued, tall and short, throwing words at each other from a distance. He didn't know if or how to intervene.
"She's been dead for a year! Forget it!"
"You think it's that easy?! I've been waiting to-"
"People died on both sides! You killed Beckendorf, remember?! No one remembers that but of course you only remember 'Jess'-"
"Wait."
The two stopped as Percy finally spoke up, tone hard. The water in his hand started to smoke from the temperature difference of turning ice cold.
Nico ran through his words, realizing his mistake, and turned to Percy, stepping closer to try to intervene yet again, this time with the opposite party.
"It's- I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"You tried, Nico, it's okay." Percy didn't make eye contact with the boy he'd left his room to check up on, instead looking the taller boy dead in the eyes. "Get out your weapon."
"Where's yours?"
As an answer, Percy slipped his pen out of his pocket, uncapping it with practiced swiftness and dug the point into the wooden deck.
The other boy obliged in return, unsheathing two smaller swords from his sides.
"Stop," Nico choked out-
"It's alright, don't worry Nics..." Percy offered him a dead smile, voice eerily soft. "I'm going to kill the thing that killed Charlie, okay? So you should leave cause I don't want you to see that."
The boy shook his head. Worried- more terror stricken- at the even possibility of losing the most important person to him in something so trivial as a knifefight over people long passed.
"It's not like- he really killed him, he was just there, he was just-"
"No, I killed him. He was your friend, right, Jackson?" The dark boy taunted. "That handsome black boy, right? He seemed like a good kid... Pity, really..."
"I'd say the same for your girl but I don't remember her in the slightest. I guess you two were just that insignificant..."
The two circled each other, spitting venom that neither genuinely meant- but wanted to hurt the other that badly that they'd sacrifice their morality for a skewed vision of vengeance.
"Ken didn't kill Charlie! It- it was the explosion, Ken, tell him-" Nico tried again, but now that the two had their swords out and were in ready stances, he wasn't about to get near either demigod. The two ignored him.
"No powers?"
"No powers. Just us."
"Stop-!" Nico shouted now. But no one was budging to help him.
"What else can I do?! He wants a fight, I'll give one to him!" Percy roared back at him. "Just let it happen! I'll finish this fight quick, I promise, Nics!"
"I don't just want a fight, I want you dead! I want you dead, Jackson!"
"Then kill me!"
Nico vanished.
The other lunged forward at the suggestion, shouting as he swung one dagger and kept the other in check. Percy sidestepped easily, parrying the other knife that shot out as the boy passed.
Turning, slicing at the others feet- A quick jump, a stab with no satisfactory slice into flesh. It seemed a tie of wits and technique, each attempt to pierce or slice the other denied. Over and over, the attacks were outmaneuvered by the other.
Until that is, Percy stopped playing games.
He dropped his sword. Figured he didn't need it against this kid.
That in itself caught the other demigod off guard, and he dropped the quality of his stance in confusion almost immediately.
Percy took that as the opportunity, set his gaze, and ran with no weapon at the other boy. The demigod swung twice, in opposite directions with each knife, one high and one low- but didn't hit. He stepped back, once, twice, swinging again as Percy kept dodging and began to snicker.
"Stop-Laughing-!"
The taller demigod was gritting his teeth, shouting out curses as he swung with full force with both knives in the same direction, hoping to drive him backwards-
Percy reacted quite the contrary, stopping both swings with his body and grabbing onto both the boy's wrists. The other demigod froze as the son of Poseidon whispered with a pitying smile-
"I thought you were trying to kill me."
And with that, it was all over. Percy twisted the boy's arms so he cried out, falling heavily onto his knees on the deck. Then onto his side as the twisting continued, his arms locked in a painful position. Cheek against the wet boarding, he struggled against the hold.
Percy let go, and kicked him so he rolled into his back. The action sent a thrill through him he wasn't proud of. And despite the guilt, he couldn't resist the urge to place his foot onto the kid's throat. Press down just a little.
"Yield?" He sighed, dusting off his shirt as he let more and more of his weight sink down into his heel. "Ken, was it? You're all talk, aren't you, Ken? Or was that really the best you could do?"
The boy had regained feeling in his arms, reaching up to grab ahold of Percy's shoe, trying and failing to push it of. Gagging a little, unable to speak, hardly breathing.
"Y-y...ie..."
"Close enough."
Percy looked around. No one was surprised. Being reminded of the demigod's inherent strength and ability was all they need to shut up and stay in line. They knew who was in charge. And the kid struggling on the ground had helped remind them why they were rightfully scared of Percy Jackson. And why they should be relieved he was now with then rather than against.
The son of Poseidon looked down again, at the pitiful, simpering face of someone who, mere minutes before, was set on ripping him apart. He laughed again, short and sweet.
"Oh, kid... you really didn't know what you were getting into."
"Percy..." The son of Poseidon turned to see a former young Camp Half Blood girl step out from the masses, recognizable by beads around her wrist. "Aren't you going to kill him?"
Percy sent her an amused look- "Of course not. Who am I, Luke?" And was the only one to laugh at his own joke.
He stepped off the boy underneath his heel, who then choked and gasped for unbridled air. Percy offered a hand to help him get up, but the defeated demigod screamed backwards out of reach, breathing hard.
"I'm sorry, I'm s-orry-" he rasped out, holding his throat. "Don't k-ill m-"
"I'm not killing anybody!" Percy said firmly, more to everyone else rather than the boy Ken on the ground. He strode over to his dropped sword, picked it up and recapped Riptide. "Get out of here..."
Ken immediately began to clumsily struggle to his feet, staggering off without further instruction. No one touched him. Not to help him up, not to scold him- they just ignored him.
Percy then looked to the remaining throng of demigods.
"Why are you all still here?"
The girl who had stepped out before cleared her throat.
"You're... supposed to..."
An older boy spoke out too, and then a few more demigods tried to talk-
"Luke said-"
"But once you-"
"You didn't kill him even though-"
"Luke said-"
As more and more kids tried to explain something or other, their points getting mixed up in each other's sentences, Percy felt his senses overload and couldn't hold back yelling.
"Quiet!" He shouted over the din, feeling a shiver as they responded with silence almost instantly. So this is what Luke feels like. "You know me. Most of you do, at least- I mean- It's still me. I'm just not going to lead anymore. And I'm not going to kill anybody." Percy stepped back so his torso was against the deck railing. "So- I'm sorry for making a scene. Hopefully-" he glanced accusingly around at the group, knowing a few had been as aggressive as the other boy had been at some point- "That won't happen again."
The son of Poseidon then unceremoniously turned his back on the multitude of demigods hanging on his every word, ignoring them completely, staring over the railing at the ocean. Going back to making shapes and ripples in the water far below, as if nothing had happened worth gathering over.
The kids quickly got the message, muttering to each other while dispersing over the deck and, for the most part, away from Percy. Said demigod was grateful for the space.
He thought he was alone, taking the opportunity to slump forward onto the rail, off, he hadn't had that much physical activity in forever- and second, holding himself up like a winner and a leader had been exhausting. And stressful. Plus he didn't know what to think of how he handled the whole- stepping on that kid's neck, wow, he didn't think he had it in him... Luke must have rubbed off on me...
Percy felt a poor punch hit him on the shoulder- and held himself back from decking whoever it was in the face just in time to notice it was only Nico. Looking as mad as ever.
"Why the fuck did you do that?!" He punched Percy in the arm again, the same spot, hoping to leave a bruise, hitting it with every word. "What- The- Hell- Is- Wrong- With you?!" He knew it wouldn't hurt, but did it anyways.
"Did I scare you?" Percy's voice and features softened at the sight of the boy. "I'm sorry..."
"You'd better be!"
"Where'd you zap off to..?"
"I didn't want to watch- What were you thinking, picking a fight with-"
"Did he really kill Charlie?"
Nico blanched. He'd forgotten he'd said that, what had really sparked the fight.
"No... I don't think so..." he said quietly, looking down. Apologizing without voicing an apology just by his tone. "I don't think he's killed anyone, actually..."
"I didn't think so." Percy looked back out to the ocean horizon, breathing out a laugh. "He didn't look like a killer."
"Do you?" Nico asked softly, not looking for an answer- but thought it worth mentioning. He copied Percy, looking out across the sea.
Percy rested his head on his arms, crossed over the railing, looking over to his left at the younger demigod.
"Do you think I look scary?" he asked with a soft smile, looking anything but.
Nico blushed.
"No," was all he could manage to say at first. "But- after that, I think some of them might think so..."
"Really?"
Percy snickered, standing up straight and turning to face Nico properly. The boy looked to the floor and messed with his hair to cover up his blush, hoping Percy wouldn't notice.
"When you- you know..." Nico's face turned redder in response to a sudden racy thought- "When you stepped on him- you looked a lot like Luke."
"He really is rubbing off on me, then..." Percy laughed, light and airy despite the implication.
The son of Poseidon knew that was a bad thing, a truly scary thing, even though he was playing it off with laughter and a smile.
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