Chapter Ten

The Hatchday Party

Well, I just wasted an hour or two writing another chapter...alternate title: "Psycho Saphira."

And in case any readers were confused by the last chapter---"Arya and Eragon Having Sex" chapters will be sprinkled throughout the remaining chapters of this, not for the rest of the 32 chapters.

As the sunlight began to shine through the windows, Saphira at first shut her eye tighter, trying to keep the light out and resume her dream of Glaedr in a giant pool of Hershey's chocolate syrup. Then, she suddenly remembered what day it was. With a cry of joy, she opened her wings and jumped off her bed of straw, and began to whip her tail excitedly around the room.

"Yay!" she cried, flapping her wings. "It's today! Today is my first hatchday!"

She cocked her snakelike head to one side, smiling and thinking. Yes, it had been one year ago today that she had first hatched from her egg, as Eragon touched it and she realized her true destined Rider had arrived. Or, rather, she realized that she was going to spend the rest of her life in that damn rock and was running out of yoke to eat and so she better just take what she could get; but the point was, today was her hatchday, her very first, and she was very excited.

"Ooh," she said, curling up on the floor, shaking with excitement. "I wonder what the others are going to do for me. I wonder if they'll have a cake. I can't really eat cake...ooh, but I want one anyway. With a nice big candle in the middle that I can blow out. Well...okay, I breathe fire, so maybe I should blow it on? And presents! I wonder what Eragon got me...it better be something good, for hauling his skinny white ass all around the continent. Maybe he'll get me a puppy!" She licked her lips joyfully at the thought.

She paused. "Eragon and the others haven't mentioned anything about my hatchday, though." Then she grinned. "They must be planning a surprise party for me! Ooooooh! I can't wait!"

She flew over to the nearby room where Eragon was still sleeping. "Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead," Saphira practically sang, poking him with her snout. His weird, anachronistic alarm clock was already lying across the room, broken where he'd thrown it.

Eragon groaned and rolled over, shooing Saphira's face away. "Five more minutes, mommy."

Saphira jabbed harder. "Eragon! We have lessons with Masters Oromis and Glaedr! Plus, it's a very special day today!" She gave a girlish dragon giggle.

Eragon groaned again and shooed her away. Saphira paused for a minute, considering. Then she puckered her lips and blew, very softly, by his ear.

That woke him up.

"AGH! AGH, my head's on fire!" he screamed, racing around the room before he finally thought to run to the bathroom. A moment later his hair was doused in the bath tub with its also-anachronistic running water.

"Oh, you're awake," Saphira said pleasantly. She bounced up and down like an eager puppy. "Hurry up and get dressed! We need to hurry."

Eragon grumbled and began to get ready.

As they flew over Du Weldenwarden, Eragon made no mention of Saphira's hatchday. This did not strike the dragon as ominous---rather, she took this as proof that there was going to be a surprise party. Maybe when they reached the Crags of Tel'Naeir! Oh, she could picture it now! Everyone would be outside Oromis' house, the queen and Arya and all the elves...and Glaedr, his scales shining in the sun...ooh, maybe he would give her a SPECIAL gift, heh-heh-heh!

"Like his penis!"

"What?!" Eragon asked, eyes wide.

"Oh---did I telepathy that out-loud? Never mind."

Saphira was so sure that the party would be at the Crags that she was rather disappointed when they came into view, and only Oromis and Glaedr, like usual, were standing outside. And Glaedr didn't even have a bow on any part of his anatomy. Were they others hiding? No, she could sense them with her telepathy. Hmm.

The lessons proceeded as usual. The two pairs split up; Saphira went off with Glaedr. Maybe he was going to take her to a quiet, secluded, romantic spot, to recite an epic poem about her beauty before a passionate mating session? No, they just continued the flying lessons from the day before. Dang.

As the two were flying back to their quarters after the lesson, Saphira concluded that the surprise party was clearly supposed to be later. Ooh! Maybe Eragon and Oromis had been off preparing for the party instead of having a lesson, setting out the balloons and such beforehand. She craned her neck as they flew, trying to see if some clearing of Du Weldenwarden was decorated. They must have hidden it well; she saw nothing.

When they got back to the room Eragon merely went to his desk to study ancient Elvish texts, while Saphira paced the floor impatiently. Finally she asked, "So, er, Eragon...do we have any other plans for the day?"

"Wha?" he said, looking up.

There was a knock at the door; Arya was there, along with the werecat Maud. Of course! They were going to go out on one of their walks through the city and the woods---to the party, no doubt! She jumped around anxiously as Eragon grabbed his coat and a condom.

Arya led them through the city, to the sight of some sort of treaty and some sort of museum and some sort of sacred bush, which as far as Saphira could tell had no particularly reason for being sacred other than the fact that it looked pretty. Saphira was beginning to get impatient. When would they get to the party?

Finally they wound up in a clearing in the forest. Arya and Eragon were sitting near the roots of a tree; Saphira lay apart, head down, dejected. She sighed. Maud the creepy-looking, wrinkled-up werecat creeped next to her.

"Aw...what's the problem, Skulblaka?" Maud asked, frowning in an amused sort of way. Over by the tree Eragon tried to reach down Arya's shirt; there was a resounding SMACK! sound that echoed through the trees.

"Oh...nothing," Saphira muttered.

Maud considered for a moment, eyes gleaming slyly. She leaned closer. "Happy hatchday."

Saphira looked up, startled. The werecat vanished into the forest, a clever grin on her face.

Later Eragon and Saphira went back to their home. Saphira was beginning to feel mad at this point. It was nearly midnight, and no surprise party. Not even an acknowledgement, a puppy snack, a cake! Her eyes narrowed, she felt fire begin to burn in her throat.

"Well," Eragon said, stretching his arms and yawning. "I'm beat. I'm gonna hit the hay. G'night, Saphira."

Saphira growled.

"Oh!" he said suddenly, turning around. "One more thing..."

She looked up, hopefully. Was it now? Would he say it now, and then all the elves and friends and loved ones jump out from behind the furniture to yell surprise?

"Arya's birthday is next week," Eragon said. "Remind me to buy her a present some time tomorrow, okay?"

Saphira's mouth dropped open. Eragon went to bed. Once he was asleep, Saphira flew out the window and into the woods.

She landed in a clearing, her emotions turning between wanting to weep and rip something's throat out. Eragon had forgotten her hatchdayHer, Saphira, who did everything for him, the reason for all his powers and all the fame that came with them. She didn't get any powers in return, mind you. She didn't even get a hatchday cake.

Just then she heard a sound; she turned, and there was Maud sneaking out of the woods. She licked a bit of mouse blood off your hands. "Oh. Poor little dragon," she said sympathetically. "The stupid human forgot your hatchday?"

Saphira sniffled and nodded solemly. "He remembered Arya's, though," she said. She sobbed. "I guess he would remember mine if I could just give him a boner..."

She began to sob. Maud was silent for a minute, then smiled. "Do you want to get him back?"

Saphira sniffled again, then looked up. "How?"

Maud smiled, evil and catlike.

"Oh, Arya," Eragon muttered, turning over in his sleep. His eyes opened blearily in the morning light. He saw Arya's sleeping head beside him.

He gasped and sat up. "Oh, damn...it wasn't just a wet dream? YES!" He pumped his arm in the air, doing a little dance in bed. He began to shake Arya. "Arya! Get up! I want you to see my We Appparently Fucked Last Night dance, and---"

Just then, as he shook her, her head fell out of the bed and onto the floor.

Eragon's mouth dropped. "Uh...Arya?"

"But I didn't do it!" Eragon implored, looking up at the judge at his podium. "I don't know who killed Arya, or how she got in my bed, but---"

"Order!" the judge cried, banging his gavel. "Eragon Shadeslayer, based on all the evidence we've heard these last few months, I find you guilty of the murder of Princess Arya Drottningu, and sentence you to two billion years in the Ellesmera Maximum Security Prison of Butt-Raping."

"But---"

BANG! "Silence, murderer, or I'll have your butt-raping begin before you even get there!"

Eragon looked at the guard beside him nervously. He gave a big, toothy grin.

Sadly, Eragon was led out of the courthouse by his elven guards, towards a cart which would take him to jail. Saphira stepped out to speak with him. "Eragon, I just want you to know that I still believe you're innocent. I swear I will do everything I can to find the real killer."

Eragon nodded sadly. "Thanks, Saphira. You're a real friend."

The guards began to load him into the cart. "Oh, and Eragon?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if you've been keeping track, what with the long trial and all---these past few months have been hard---but do you realize the date?"

He thought for a moment. "Oh...it's the fifth of (Insert Alagaesian month)."

She smiled...a smile of pure, undiluted evil. "Yes. Happy birthday, Eragon."

And with that, they loaded him into the cart and drove away.