Lovi: So how long are you grounded for?
Antonio: a week :(
Lovi: Not too bad. I would have been grounded for at least a month for pulling that shit.
Antonio: yeah my dads soft on me since i dont see him a lot. i feel bad tho
Lovi: Why? It's not like you lied to him when you got caught.
Antonio: well i still lied to him before that… but mostly its because we dont have a lot of time together and i blew a week of it on being grounded
Lovi: I thought you spent most of your time there at the French bastard's place anyway
Antonio: yeah… i guess
To tell the truth, Antonio never spent much time with his father when he was in California. The Bonnefoys always let him stay over and, though he did visit with his dad while he was there and kept him in the loop, he rarely saw him. It was obvious he loved his dad and that he knew his dad loved him - all those things that just happened in families (well, he supposed not always...) - but he never really gave much thought into spending time with the man.
Lately though, blame it on maturation or the increasing thoughts he'd been having as to the differences of his own family and Lovino's, Antonio had been wanting to learn more about his father. He knew he worked a lot and loved his CDs and watched baseball games, but that couldn't be all there was to know. And it was just dawning on Antonio that he didn't know.
Antonio felt like a lot had happened since he'd found Lovino in that small Oregon town. In reality, Antonio and Francis had spent the night at Gilbert's grandfather's house on their couches after an evening of ramen, potato chips, and videogames before they left in the morning.
That night, Gilbert had, as always, been the best at the video games while both Francis and Antonio sucked. Francis had given up not long into their rounds of passing the controller around, but Antonio had persisted. No amount of losses dissuaded him.
That was until Lovino arrived to play as well.
Surprisingly, Lovino had been quite good at the game. And, while Antonio had never been embarrassed about things like this - being lame at a videogames had never been something that had bothered Antonio before - he found himself watching Lovino's reactions to his losses a lot more. Not that there was usually anything to see when Lovino was distracted by his phone or Gilbert goofing off when it wasn't his turn. Still, Antonio didn't like losing so much for once, especially next to Gilbert who won almost every game.
Lovino and Gilbert acted pretty awkward around one another that evening. At times they would throw challenging remarks or rude comments at each other just as they always did and never - not once - was anything said along the lines of actually liking the other in any way. The tension was still palpable in the air though. They avoided eye contact and jumped when their shoulders touched. They blushed and shot shy glances. It was kind of ridiculous, but more often than not Antonio simply found himself jealous of it. He wanted that. More specifically, he wanted that with Lovino.
Seeing Gilbert after Antonio's encounter with Lovino had been... surprising.
As soon as he'd walked into that old thrift shop, his two friends' grandfathers owned, Gilbert had jumped at him, grabbing his shoulders and babbling out frantic explanations to which Antonio had no clue what for until Gilbert had calmed down a bit and given him time to process.
"That wasn't cool of me at all. You know? Bros before hoes. He's your best friend and I just went right over your head and asked him out!" Gilbert had exclaimed, looking so guilty and alarmed and worried.
"You're one of my best friends too, Gilbert," Antonio had shaken his head in an attempt to placate his friend, "Besides, you don't need to ask my permission. It's up to you guys."
Gilbert had scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish and, still, very worried. "But a heads up or something would have been the thing to do."
Antonio was shaking his head again, ready to reassure him once more when Gilbert said the words that tied his tongue into a million knots.
"I mean, you don't like him, right…?"
The question took him off guard and he faltered. Antonio probably waited too long to respond, given the increasing arrow forming at Gilbert's brow, but he'd had to remember how to speak again.
"No," he responded, then got his shit together pretty quick. He laughed, hurting inside. "No, I've told you and Francis time and time again that it isn't like that between Lovino and me. I'm with Emma."
Antonio saw Francis frowning at him behind Gilbert, but he chose to ignore it.
Gilbert broke into a grin, bouncing back to his normal self-satisfied demeanour. "Yeah! See, that's what I thought! You're practically head over heels for the girl."
Antonio's heart sunk then, shock stilling him down to his bones. Those words hit him straight in the face. He was still dating Emma. But he didn't like her like that anymore, right?
Did he…?
It was all so confusing now.
Since then, Antonio's thoughts rarely strayed far from the world he thought he knew taking a different form around him. It was as if the leaves were turning from green to purple. The roads were pink. The oceans, yellow.
He thought of Emma. He thought of Lovino. He thought of Gilbert. He thought of how he was basically betraying them all with his wondering emotions.
Antonio didn't blame Gilbert. Or Francis. Francis had tried to warn him when he'd seen Lovino carrying that rose, but Antonio had been too focused to heed his friend's advice.
As for Gilbert… yeah, he agreed with what he'd said. He did wish Gilbert would have told him, but that was in the past now. It could have just as well gone the other way too. Antonio had never told Gilbert his feelings toward Lovino either. He hadn't even figured out his feelings until a few minutes prior to that, but still. There was nothing he would have been able to do. If Gilbert had told him, even after Antonio had finally figured his own feelings out, Antonio still would have never gotten in his way.
They lived across country from each other; they barely even Skyped these days, yet, Gilbert would always be one of his closest friends. He knew Gilbert. He knew how he was a bit self-absorbed at times, but that was only to cover the insecurities he wanted to hide underneath. He was the funniest guy Antonio knew, even if a lot of his jokes were either horrible or raunchy. He was never bored when he hung out with Gilbert, even if they were just playing video games on the couch or basketball in the Beilschmidt's driveway.
They'd gone trick-or-treating together when they were five and, by nine, Gilbert had taught him the art of trick-and-treating where they would scare the younger kids or attack random bushes with TP. These days Antonio considered those tricks cheap and disrespectful, but it didn't stop him from looking back in fondness at the times he'd spent with his friends.
Antonio remembered the time Gilbert had asked him for advice about the Austrian kid he had a crush on in the seventh grade, too proud to ask Francis "Expert on Love Even at Thirteen" Bonnefoy. He remembered how Gilbert had rescued a bird fallen from its nest when they were eight and, when Gilbert's parents had said he couldn't keep it, Antonio and Francis had swapped the bird back and forth between their homes until Gilbert had finally convinced his parents that he was responsible enough to keep him.
He remembered how Gilbert had vacuumed his house every weekend for a month to convince them.
Most of all, Antonio remembered once, years ago, when the three of them had nearly knocked some kid in the face for bullying Ludwig when the boy was still short and puny, before his, rather impressive, growth spurt. Antonio had seen Gilbert cry for some ridiculous things before, but on that day he had seen a new side to his friend. Gilbert had cried his heart out that evening while hugging Antonio and Francis, thanking them over and over for standing up for Ludwig.
There was nothing that could change their friendship. Gilbert, Antonio, and Francis were closer than a lot of people, even from so many miles away. The distance was only testament to their strength, Antonio felt, because they had endured and even grown, like the thick leaves of trees in a rainforest. They stood under them, protected by the foliage that barely let any drops through. They were protected by the leaves they had created because they were stronger together.
Since Oregon, though, Antonio felt different. He felt raindrops on his nose and hair. Everything seemed off and, when he looked up, he noticed he had stepped out from under those leaves. Or maybe they had just shifted without him noticing. Either way, he had to find his way back, find the leaves again.
When he breathed and remembered himself, it was easier. He would smile at his friends, step back under the tree. He felt further away from them though. The rain didn't drop on him, but, when he wasn't paying attention, he found himself drenched again.
He was happy for Lovino and Gilbert. He might have liked Lovino now, but he couldn't change the fact that they were together in some way. And he was with Emma.
But that was a whole other headache.
Antonio groaned and slumped back against his pillow, holding his phone against his chest. It buzzed and Antonio jumped, expecting to find Lovino had texted again. Instead, the icon 'hElpmE' greeted him. He was puzzled until he opened it, finding that his group chat with Francis and Gilbert had been renamed.
KillGil has renamed the chat to 'hElpmE'
KillGil: HELP I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT
Pain in the France: You are finally taking out the angry Italian, I see.
KillGil: you kNOW WHAT
KillGil: yes
Pain in the France: You have come to the right place.
Y'all = Nosotros: aw! wher are you guys going?
KillGil: ok so awhile ago we were talking and i said sausage pizzas da bomb but he got really angry so ima take the fucker to experience the wonders of sasuage pizza at a pizzza joint in town
KillGil: bam bitch
Pain in the France: That is… oddly romantic of you, Gilbert.
KillGil: what?!
Pain in the France: My, my, and I thought my finer qualities would never rub off.
KillGil: ROmantic?! its pizza!
Pain in the France: It was something you remembered from your time together. Granted, it was an argument, but it seems to have, dare I say, /meant/ something to you.
KillGil: i dont need your SARCASM franceypants
Pain in the France: It needed to be sad.
Y'all = Nosotros: sad xD
KillGil: SAD
Pain in the France: Oh dear…
Pain in the France: So, did you want our help or not, Gil?
KillGil: OHY EAH
KillGil: so heres what im thinking on wearing
Antonio was laughing at his phone. Even a conversation about a date he would much rather not think about was hilarious to him when between his friends. This was normal for their group chat, yet Antonio couldn't help smirking down at his phone. He'd needed this pick me up.
He wondered if Lovino was getting ready too. He definitely wouldn't need help picking out what to wear, unless his brother insisted on it, so there wasn't really a need for him to contact Antonio (especially given that Antonio's own fashion sense was thrown together with styles and colors mixed in a way that always made Lovino's nose scrunch adorably in disgust). Antonio still wanted some sort of excuse to talk to him though.
He stared down at the text conversation. He'd been the last to say anything and Lovino hadn't responded. What if he was busy?
Antonio: you getting ready for your date?
Immediately after hitting send, Antonio chucked his phone across the room. It fell into a waste bin and all he had to say about it was, "Oops." He buried his face into a pillow and shouted a little before he heard the waste bin vibrate and a ding echo from its abyss. He perked right up, eyes bright on the basket. He didn't move for a full minute, then leapt from the bed and across the room.
Lovi: Yeah
That's all it said. Antonio huffed a laugh under his breath.
Antonio: hope you have fun :)
Antonio didn't look away from his phone until the next text popped up.
Lovi: Thanks
Then Antonio sighed, letting his hand fall to his side and looking at the ceiling of his room.
He was so screwed.
-/-
That night, Antonio needed something to get his mind off his empty message inbox and the cute pizza date that was happening miles away. Books didn't work. Surfing the internet on his phone didn't either. Finally, after many other abandoned activities that had failed to keep his mind occupied, Antonio decided to listen to some music. It always helped his thoughts wonder, even though it held the same threat of wandering back to where he didn't want them to go.
He didn't care. Antonio found himself in his father's living room a minute later, scanning through the many CDs there and deciding which ones he wanted to take upstairs. Those CDs were his father's dearest possessions, but he'd granted Antonio the trust of taking them and treating them as he'd want them to be treated. When he'd finally given Antonio that permission it had been one of the proudest moments of his life.
He had a stack of about four CD cases going before his father entered the room.
"Hey, getting some good tunes?" he asked, as if the answer wasn't obvious. Antonio smiled all the same.
"Yep!" he exclaimed then went back to his browsing. His father continued to hover in the doorway though. He looked unsure whether to stay or leave and Antonio eventually turned to him with a confused smile. "Is something wrong?" his voice was on edge as he said it. The last time his father had acted this way was when he'd grounded him two days before. Before that, he wasn't sure how long…
"No," his father shook his head, shifting in his spot. Antonio recognized the same thing he did when he was nervous. "I was just… you know why I had to ground you, right?"
Antonio furrowed his brow. "Yeah. 'Cause I lied to you."
His father nodded his head. "Right. I mean, you could have gotten hurt and then I wouldn't have had any idea where you were. You know how dangerous that is, right?"
Antonio smiled a little at his father's concern. He didn't like making his father worry, but it showed he cared. "I'm sorry I did that, Papa. I know it's really dangerous. I won't do it again." Antonio had to bite back a comment on how cheesy the whole exchange sounded to him.
His father shook his head again. "No. Antonio, I just need you to see-" he furrowed his brow, looking for the right words, "You can tell me anything, okay? And I'll try to understand. And I'll try not to get mad. But, whatever it is, you can tell me. If you want to go see your friends in Oregon again, then tell me. Okay?"
Antonio looked at his father in shock, a lump forming in his throat. He was speechless. He'd never heard his dad say anything like this. Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Antonio forced out an, "Okay, Papa."
"Who knows," his dad smiled, leaning on the doorway like a huge weight had come off his shoulders, "Maybe next year you'll actually have your license and you can go legally."
Antonio nodded silently, lump in his throat growing bigger. He looked away, down at the stack of CDs.
"Okay," his dad said and Antonio saw that he was getting ready to leave, "Thanks, Antonio. Just remember that. Okay? Don't be afraid to tell me anything."
Just as he was leaving the room, Antonio practically shouted, "Wait!"
His father stopped, shooting a confused look over his shoulder. When his dad stepped back into the room, closer to Antonio this time with concern on his face, Antonio bit his lip.
Don't be afraid to tell me anything.
"What if…" he blurted before thinking better of it. He tried to piece together his words in a better way. "You said I could tell you anything. Could I ask you advice on a problem my friend is having?" Antonio felt totally transparent. There was nothing older in the book than the 'this is advice for my friend' excuse.
The concern and surprise on his father's face quickly melted into understanding. He smiled. "Of course."
"Alright," he started, "So this guy might like someone, but it's really complicated. For one, the other person is a guy, and he'd never really considered liking a guy before. He isn't really freaked out by it, just taken off guard, you know? Then there's the fact that the guy is his best friend. And is going out with another one of his best friends. And, yeah, the guy is really happy for them, but it's kinda killing him inside. And he feels super bad that it's killing him inside because they seem happy together - even if they constantly make fun of each other, he knows that's just how they show affection. And now the guy is just really confused and he also has a girlfriend and doesn't know what to do. Like, does he still like her? Is it okay that he's still with her?"
Antonio snapped his mouth shut before he could say anything else, knowing that had definitely not gone as well as he'd hoped. He looked cautiously up at his father, who seemed to be considering. He had one hand on his chin and he hummed. "That is a tricky one." He continued to hum and contemplate as he moved across the room, resting across from Antonio, legs criss-crossed on the floor. He started to look through the CDs Antonio had picked in silence and Antonio was left sitting there, waiting for an answer.
"I'd tell this boy to try sorting out his feelings first," he said at last. "If he doesn't know if he still likes the girl, then he should try to figure it out. It isn't bad to give himself time to decide. Spending time with the girlfriend might help, but he shouldn't lead her on. If he finds he still likes the girl, then having other crushes isn't so bad. If he likes the boy more than the girl, then it's up to him to do what he thinks is right." His dad put down the CD he was currently holding to look at Antonio. "Okay?"
"But…" Antonio asked, "What if he can't figure it out? Or what if he does and things get even messier?"
"I think he'll figure it out. The heart is a strong thing." his dad said, "As for it getting messier, things in life will always be messy. And they get a hell of a lot messier when you're working toward something that's worth it."
Antonio nodded, still feeling like so many questions remained unanswered. He didn't know how to address them though. He guessed this was something there was no definite solution for. Antonio would have to work a lot of it out on his own.
"Alright, well I gotta go empty the dishwasher," his dad said, standing up. He paused, looking down on his son. "You gonna be alright?"
"Yeah," Antonio shot him up a smile. He was grateful for his father's help, even if it left him more confused than before. "I'm good."
"Well, I'll be down here if you need me," he winked as he backed away toward the door, "I wish your friend luck." he had a knowing smirk on his face and Antonio blushed. He knew how obvious he'd been, but he'd been hoping their oblivious Fernandez genes would help in this scenario.
"Thanks, Papa," Antonio smiled sheepishly and his father disappeared out the door. Antonio slumped, burying his face in his hands. "Great," he mumbled to himself. When he found it safe to peak his head up, Antonio was ready to retreat to his room and come out never. He went to gather his stack of CDs when his eyes caught on something on the shelf.
It was a blank CD case, a cheap green and clear plasticky thing. When he pulled it out, he flipped it over to examine both back and front. The back was just that horrible green. The front was clear, showing the CD inside. On the pearly surface, there were words in black permanent marker.
Para Sandra, el corazon de mí vida
Antonio froze. Did that say… Sandra?
Antonio immediately felt like he shouldn't be holding it. Or, if he was, with rubber gloves and bubble wrap. It must have been a relic if it was truly a CD for his mother. How long did it date back to? Their marriage? When they were dating?
Should he even be seeing this? Why was it on the shelf to begin with? His father's shelf was sacred to him. He would know if he had it there.
There were so many questions passing through his mind and none of them was he able to pin down or answer. Antonio was still sitting there, holding the CD case like some antique vase, unsure what the hell to do.
He should put it back. It wasn't his business and he probably shouldn't have seen it.
But his dad must have known it was there. And he'd given Antonio permission to listen to any CD.
He must have forgotten it was there then. He wouldn't have wanted Antonio to see something like this. Something so personal. Something probably better left in the past where it belonged.
Antonio's eyes danced across the words scattered across its surface. They were numbered and scrunched together like the person who'd written them hadn't expected it to take up so much room. The tracks. It was a mixtape from so long ago. A history never heard by Antonio's ears. He really shouldn't be holding it. He really shouldn't be seeing it.
In a split second decision, Antonio put it on top of his working stack. Five CDs. Before he could think about it, he scooped them all up and ran to his room.
It was the first CD he slipped into the player and he sat right in front of the speakers. The first song came on.
"Doodoodoo, doodoodoodoo…"
CV: Hey, here's an update! This chapter kicked my ass, as you could probably tell from the super long update time. I'm still not happy with it, but I wanted it out of my life. So, tada! My apologies. It's tiny and I have no guarantees for more frequent updates because of school, but here ya are. If you're still following this story, you deserve it.
Also, school cannot take blame for the entire lack of updates. On top of laziness and procrastination, I have also been working on other fics as well. If you like VLD, I've got a couple on my Ao3 as well as some in the making. (also codevassie over there :) )
Annnd, I've got a playlist for this fic too if anyone's interested. Hope this link works. It includes the song this chapter ended on: "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind as well as the title "Hear Me" by Imagine Dragons and other songs that I associate with the fic and stuff. It's small but I'll probably add onto it.
playlist?list=PLsQ0Ho4hiaomQAvu0ndQQAV5gasnqBWgh
If you can't access the link try my Tumblr as well. If anyone has a better idea to make it more accessible, I'd love to hear :)
One last thing (I swear it's quick). The Spanish in this chapter was from my head, but I don't trust my school learned Spanish, so let me know if it's incorrect if you can.
Alright. Thanks a ton, guys!