Camelot's white turrets appeared over the horizon in the late morning, two days after they had set out from the hidden valley.
For the most part, Merlin felt relieved. This quest had taken turns that he hadn't been prepared for, and it had been a far greater trial than he could have anticipated. Returning to Camelot felt like a return to the normal, a restart. Now that the remains of Ashkenar's tomb lay many leagues away and the city was within sight, it felt easier to put it all behind him, like a chapter or episode closed as he looked ahead to the next one.
However, it also meant that he would be compelled to provide an explanation for Gaius and Lancelot, and soon.
Lancelot had been keeping an eye on him the whole trip back. The knight tried to make it seem like he wasn't, but Merlin didn't need his mind's eye to know when someone was looking at him behind his back. He didn't hold any ill will for it. He knew his friend was concerned and probably also feeling guilty. Merlin did not intend to tell him about the egg just yet, so he would have to make a conscious effort to reassure Lancelot that he didn't blame him.
As for the other matter that was troubling the knight, and Merlin as well, Merlin had been thinking about it most of the way back, rehearsing how he planned to frame things. He couldn't tell them everything, that was impossible, and to be honest, he didn't want to tell them most of it. Would they even believe such a thing? They were almost certain to just think he had completely lost his marbles. And if they did believe him…
Merlin swallowed, before turning his head a bit to catch Lancelot looking again. The knight glanced away quickly, but Merlin had caught the worry and care. Would Lancelot or Gaius look at him the same way if they knew the truth?
With a signal from the king, the group sped up to a gallop, riders and horses spurred on by the sight of home despite their weariness. They reached the city within the hour. Greetings and hails from the townsfolk and guardsmen followed them as they wound their way through the lower town and up toward the citadel. Hooves thundered over the keep drawbridge and clattered into the castle courtyard. At last, they were back.
Merlin swung down, aggravating the aches and soreness gained over days of riding but choosing to ignore them. He could bear them a little longer.
Rubbing his mare's nose, he led her over to where Lancelot was also dismounting. Merlin gave a few cheerful grins and greetings to the stable hands that had run up to assist them, but the smile dropped as he came up to Lancelot.
"I have duties to take care of, but I haven't forgotten my promise," he said quietly. "Take some time to rest, then come to Gaius's chambers tonight after dark. I swore he would also have some answers when I returned."
Lancelot nodded. "All right. Until tonight."
Merlin's only reply was to return a solemn nod of his own before switching right back into cheerful servant mode. He handed off his horse and scurried after Arthur, clutching his bag and its precious weight close.
He was permitted at least to return to his own chambers and put aside his own things before attending to his master. Merlin hurried through the corridors and up to the quiet solitude of the physician's tower.
"Gaius?" he called as he opened the door. He cast his gaze across the room and up along the elevated railing. Gaius wasn't there. Good. He headed for his room, his pack now cradled in his hands. Aithusa's warmth bled through the worn fabric. Merlin had to sequester him away somewhere safe, just for a little longer.
He had just settled the egg into its hiding place when he heard the door to the physician's chamber open and caught Gaius calling his name. Breathing deep, Merlin allowed his shoulders to droop, and schooled his face into blank neutrality before he answered the call.
"You're back," Gaius said as Merlin descended the stairs. "Did you-"
Merlin could tell the moment Gaius picked up on his expression. He had wondered, after how he had underestimated Gaius before, if he was even capable of fooling the man anymore. This time, though, his performance was method. He had come too close to losing everything, and the real loss of the dragonlord library was strong enough that whatever sorrow Gaius was reading was not faked.
Merlin slowly shook his head. He only allowed the truth to pass his lips. "I messed it up, Gaius. I lost focus and the egg was damaged." He hung his head. "The tower collapsed and I couldn't stop it."
A deep sigh escaped the old man. Merlin heard his robes swishing against the floor before he was engulfed in a hug. His body wanted to stiffen, but Merlin forced himself to remain loose, returning the hug as best he could.
"I'm so sorry, my boy," Gaius murmured. "Whatever happened, I know you did your utmost to protect it."
Merlin withdrew from the embrace. He would never not be grateful for the ways in which Gaius had been like a father to him, but it felt wrong receiving baseless praise or comfort. Aithusa was still alive after all. He didn't truly need the reassurance.
"I would rather not talk about it yet, if that's alright," he said, tugging at his jacket sleeves. "But there are things that we do need to discuss." He looked his mentor in the eye. "I know I've been acting strangely, and it's about time I shed some light on that. Tonight we'll talk. Lancelot will be there too."
Gaius looked a little taken aback, perhaps expecting for Merlin to try to conveniently forget the promise he'd made or dig his heels in, but he seemed relieved enough at the compliance to not question it. "All right, Merlin, if you're ready. But in the meantime, if you need anything…" He made sure to catch Merlin's gaze. His old mentor's blue eyes were filled with gentle compassion.
Merlin shook his head. "I'm… I'll be fine. Just need to go help Arthur."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," he said, already edging toward the door. "It will keep me busy, you know? Besides, I'd rather not raise any suspicions by skiving off."
Gaius nodded. "I trust you know what's best for you at the moment," he said, "but don't forget that I'm here for you."
Merlin gifted his mentor with a single, soft half-smile as he pulled the door open. "I never doubted it, and I'll never forget it."
Then the door closed behind him with a gentle snap.
As he walked, Merlin rehearsed what he was going to say yet again. Even if he wasn't going to be revealing everything tonight, it would be more of the truth than he'd revealed to anyone in centuries. He might only be talking to two old, dear friends, but to Merlin, the approach of night felt like the calm before a battle.
Lancelot watched the king and his servant disappear into the castle, leaving the rest of the party and their horses to go their separate ways. Unbidden, a conversation he and Merlin had had on an impromptu hunting trip at the tail end of this past winter came to his mind. He remembered the feeling of having a sword hanging above them, waiting to drop. Now he wondered, had it fallen already, and he hadn't noticed?
One way or another, he would have answers tonight.
Newly returned from a quest, Arthur's inner circle was permitted to have the rest of the day free from any other duties. Normally Lancelot didn't need much rest following a journey, and couldn't resist the call of sword practice for long, but this mission had been especially draining. He indulged in a hot bath brought up to his room by a few servants and an equally hot meal. It did a good job of soothing the stresses on the body, but the stresses of the mind were waiting for the sun to set. The day seemed to crawl by as he wondered what he was going to hear.
At last, the sky began to turn the colorful hues of twilight. Finding that nothing could distract his anxious wondering, Lancelot chose to watch from his window seat as the sun slowly disappeared beyond the horizon.
Close enough. He stood, pulled on his boots, and set out for the physician's tower.
When he arrived, his knock was answered almost instantly by Gaius. "Come in, Lancelot," he said brusquely. The knight could read the same tension he was feeling in the old physician. He stepped into the room as Gaius took a quick glance this way and that down the hallway outside, before shutting the door and bolting it.
The room was dim in a way that might have looked comforting, but with the current mood of its occupants, it seemed almost sinister. Lancelot couldn't see Merlin.
"He's in his room," Gaius said with a clipped tone. After a moment, the two of them settled almost awkwardly, Gaius in a small chair near the fire, and Lancelot at the physician's table.
"Has he… you know, mentioned anything before?" Lancelot murmured, keeping an eye on Merlin's bedroom door. "Given any hint?"
"No," Gaius said. "I know about as much as you do, although I've suspected something has been off with him for some time."
Lancelot nodded. "I've felt the same. He's just been so… intense. On-edge."
"Like he's waiting for something to go wrong at any moment."
"Exactly."
Gaius pinched the bridge of his nose. "I just don't understand. I know that Merlin's had to deal with many crises in the past, but none have ever caused him to behave this way. Not for such a long time."
Lancelot knew a little about that. Merlin had told him some stories, but he suspected there were far more that he hadn't heard about. "Could it just be all of it getting to him? Every man has his limit."
The physician clasped his hands together, brows furrowed. "I almost hope that's the case. However, I don't believe it's going to be that simple."
Sadly, the two of them were in agreement on that.
The door to Merlin's room creaked and both their heads whipped in that direction. Merlin descended the stairs, looking a bit tidied up after the long ride back. He was no longer wearing his arm sling. Did he fix it with magic?
Merlin glanced between the two members of his audience for a moment. "Is there something on my face?" he asked dryly.
Neither of them replied, and he blew out a breath. "Right." Slowly, he sat himself down at the small two-person table where he and Gaius normally took meals. The dim light and flickering shadows cast by the hearth fire danced across his face, making it difficult to read his expression. Heavy silence hung in the air.
"I'm not entirely sure how to start," Merlin finally said, almost to himself.
"The beginning is usually fitting," Gaius said, just a bit of sarcastic bite to his tone.
Merlin sighed deeply. "The beginning… that sounds so easy." His shoulders drew up defensively, and then slowly dropped as he lifted his head.
"All right then. I'll start with Samhain."
Lancelot and Gaius stayed silent, waiting. Merlin gave one small nod, and began.
"On Samhain's Eve, there was a plot by Morgana and Morgause to cripple Camelot. They had intended to travel to the Isle of the Blessed and rend the veil between the worlds, releasing a plague of dorocha on the kingdom."
Gaius let out a short gasp and went as pale as a ghost. Lancelot had no idea what a dorocha was, but that reaction told him most of what he needed to know.
"I couldn't let that happen," Merlin went on, "so I stopped them."
Gaius sputtered again. "How could you have stopped them? You were ill in bed just before the feast began-"
"Kilgharrah," Merlin replied simply. "And I wasn't as ill as I seemed. I'm sorry I lied to you."
The lingering paleness in Gaius's face was banished by a bloom of furious red in his cheeks. "So what you're saying is that you slipped away to face two high priestesses of the Old Religion alone, and apparently you told no one? Had you lost your wits, Merlin?!"
"No. I knew that it would be alright."
"You may be powerful, Merlin, but that doesn't excuse such a foolhardy-"
Merlin cut him off. "I knew I would be alright because I knew what would happen. I had already seen what would play out. Or at least one version of it."
Gaius tripped over another fatherly tirade. Lancelot ran back over what Merlin had said. What exactly was he saying?
Merlin's gaze drifted between them, fixating on the small fire instead. "The first time I witnessed the events of that night, things turned out very differently. Morgana and Morgause succeeded in their plot, and nearly brought Camelot to its knees. The dorocha killed hundreds in just a few days. Arthur chose to ride out to the Isle, intending to be the sacrifice that was needed to seal the veil. Intended, but didn't succeed." The fire snapped loudly as Merlin's gaze, distant and hollow, turned toward Lancelot. "You took his place."
"What?" It was the only thing Lancelot could say. He was still struggling to get a grasp on what Merlin was telling them.
"You sacrificed your life to stop the dorocha and shut the gate between worlds," Merlin said, "even when I told you that I was going to do it. You saved Arthur, Camelot, and my life."
Lancelot's jaw worked open and shut, but Gaius finally came to the conclusion that Lancelot was struggling with before he could say anything. "Merlin, you had a vision of these events?"
"I saw them happen before, yes," he said, breaking eye contact with Lancelot. "And it wasn't just the events of Samhain."
"Next, I saw Uther's death. In that version of events, I tried to interfere. I thought that if Arthur witnessed magic being used to save his father, he would see the good in it, but I failed. Uther died and Arthur's wariness as only strengthened."
"Then I saw Borden come to Camelot, seeking the key to Ashkenar's tomb. Things turned out...very differently." The sorcerer's head hung, hiding his expression.
Lancelot stared uncomprehendingly at his friend. So Merlin had witnessed the future before it had happened? He'd said Lancelot had died. Since that hadn't happened, Merlin had changed the future and saved him. Was that why he had been so intense and focused since Samhain, determined to avert tragedies he knew were in store? But if he'd been like this for months now, how great had his vision of the future been?
It was almost as if Merlin had read his thoughts. "There was more," he said quietly. "So much more."
"There are any number of isolated incidents heading our way, ready to send Camelot into chaos if events play out poorly. Soon we might be facing war with Caerleon's kingdom. There will be attacks from magical creatures. And there will be betrayals from within Camelots walls," he said, sharing a quick, knowing glance with Lancelot.
"But most importantly..." Merlin trailed off. Such weight had come into those three words that Lancelot found himself leaning forward. This was it. This was the heart of matter.
"Most importantly," he said again, "is that unless things are done differently, unless I can find a way to alter the events that I saw, Arthur and Camelot are doomed."
The room was dead silent but for the soft crackling of embers in the hearth. The fire had died down, leaving the room almost entirely in shadow. Lancelot wanted to get up and stoke the flames, but he couldn't bring himself to move.
"I saw Camelot fall, its destiny unfulfilled." Merlin had gone back to staring at his hands. "Arthur fell in battle because of Morgana's machinations. Magic never truly returned to the land. The kingdoms of Albion remained divided, and eventually fell to Saxon invaders from beyond the sea. All that was promised turned out to be nothing more than ashes."
Gaius tried to break the dark atmosphere first. "Merlin," he said reassuringly, "you've experienced visions in the past. Remember the crystal caves? The future is not set in stone, and attempting to alter it might be more damaging than helpful."
Merlin was slowly shaking his head. "I'm aware of that, but what I'm talking about is unlike anything else I've experience. It wasn't just vague snatches of a potential future. I saw the events play out as- as if I was living them. Every action had a consequence." He looked up to meet Gaius's gaze. "The plain and simple truth is that I failed in that future. I can't allow that to happen now." Merlin's hands folded together and squeezed tight. "Morgana's still out there somewhere. If left unchecked, she will be one of the major lynchpins of Arthur's downfall, and the next time she shows her face I won't be holding back. She's slipped away from me once," he said, voice sharpening to a razor's edge, "and I don't plan to let it happen again."
"It is a daunting task you're talking about, and a precarious one," Gaius warned.
"I know that too well," Merlin said. "These past few days have shown very clearly that I cannot control everything. No matter what, though, I won't let things play out the way I saw them. I may not know what will result from the changes I make, but they have to be better than the alternative, right?" For the first time, there was a break in his hardened performance. The doubt was there, no matter how he tried to hide it.
Lancelot and Gaius shared a look between them. Lancelot was still trying to adjust to the whole matter. He hadn't had much to do with magic for most of his life, and apparently a few fights with magical creatures and being around Merlin for a while wasn't enough to prepare him for the strangeness and scale of what his friend was talking about: futures, destinies, and the greater good.
What Lancelot did know was that scale didn't matter much to him. What mattered was that Camelot and its king were in danger, and his friend seemed to be the only thing standing between them and destruction. He wouldn't let that stand. Merlin seemed to be under the impression that it was his sole responsibility to keep these events from happening, but Lancelot begged to differ. And by the look on Gaius's face, so did he.
The physician stood, walked forward to stand before his ward, and laid his hands on his shoulders. He waited for Merlin to meet his gaze before he spoke.
"I may not be sure about this," he said, "and I may be wary of relying on visions of the future to guide us, but I know that Arthur and Camelot's destiny means more to you than anything. Whatever you intend to do, know that I'm here to help. Someone has to be there to get you out of trouble, after all," he added with a grin.
"He's right," Lancelot interjected, finding his voice at last. "I'm afraid you'll be getting help whether you want it or not. After all," he said, voice softening, "If this future you speak of would have been ours, then I owe you my life now, don't I?"
"No matter what the future has in store for us," said Gaius, "you will not be alone."
Merlin angled his face away from them. Lancelot had picked up that he did this when he knew he couldn't keep his true feelings from his expression, but the light was too dim now to see what Merlin had revealed at those words. But, after a few seconds, Lancelot caught a faint chuckle.
"I didn't expect anything less," Merlin said.
Gaius huffed, dropping his hands from Merlin's shoulders. "I should hope you didn't."
"I really don't deserve you two." When Merlin turned back to face them, any trace of deviant emotion was gone. "Alright, then. If you're in, then I think there are some things you will need to know. It might take some time though."
With a cheeky half-smile, Lancelot spread his arms wide. "We have all night."
"Seems we do." Lancelot felt a small spark of victory when the smile was returned.
"Then we should probably get comfortable," Merlin said. "There's a lot to tell."
Merlin shut the door to his room behind him, fatigue dragging at his legs and arms. At this point it wouldn't be long before the sun began to rise. Best to get in a few hours of sleep before he had to be up. He would still be tired, but he would manage.
Merlin sat on his bed, rubbing at his sore throat. The hours he had spent relating the events of Camelot's near future-the conflict with Caerleon, Agravaine's treason, the Saxon threat, and Morgana's various plots-to Lancelot and Gaius had worn on his voice. All those hours, just for the next five years.
Despite his earlier nervousness, he was glad of what he had shared. Getting some of the weight off of his chest was relief, since it was a large part of the guilt that plagued him every day, and it would give Lancelot and Gaius an explanation for why he had changed so much.
He had thought about telling them more. As he realized the relief that his partial confession had bought him, he had truly considered saying more, about what came after Camelot's fall. But the whole topic was such a massive mountain to tackle that he hadn't even known how to approach it. In the end, he decided that it was a matter for another time, if that time ever came. After all, beyond the knowledge it gave him of what was in store for Camelot, it was of no relevance, and there was nothing that could be done about it. Camelot's fate could be changed. Merlin's could not.
Speaking of changing fates…
Merlin listened intently for a moment. He couldn't hear anything outside. Gaius had a talent for falling asleep almost the moment his head hit the pillow. When he picked up a faint snore, Merlin crouched, pulling away the loose floorboard beneath his bed. The gleam of pale blue shell winked out at him. Carefully, he drew out the cracked egg, wrapped up in one of his few spare coats. The life inside still pulsed against his palms.
Merlin rubbed his thumb along the crack as he spoke softly to that fledgling spark of magic in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I lost sight of my priorities, and I'm sorry for whatever effect this might have on you. But I'll do better in the future. I won't put you at risk, and I won't leave you alone, not again."
Tucking the egg close as he turned for the door, he said, "I think you've waited long enough, Aithusa."
The flutter against his hand almost seemed like a reply. Merlin smiled. "You're right. Let's go, then."
A/N: Many thanks to mersan123, consultingsorcererof221B, daughterofapollo12345, Auto Cerebral Star, DragonLover1551, 1983Sarah, and Taz for the reviews. Only the epilogue left, so I'll see you in a bit!