Hello everyone! I hope this update finds you well.
To whoever asked me if I'm British because I spell grey with an 'e' and not an 'a' (which is apparently the American way of doing things) no, I'm not. I'm from the US. I just happened to have been taught by my grandmother to spell it with an 'e'; also, that way looks better to me. It's just how my brain works. Both are correct, but I felt the need to answer this because someone asked in an anonymous review (aka I couldn't respond to it normally)
Disclaimer: I don't own Hunger Games or the characters; I just like to mess with their lives a little when I have the time
Finally! My first completely original chapter! All these scenes are from me, not the book, though I do talk a bit about Katniss's trial and other things that are mentioned briefly in the end of Mockingjay. This fic is rapidly coming to a close!
I hope you all like this chapter, and thank you for all the support you've given me in reviews for this story!
Happy reading!
Chapter 10: Beginnings
Katniss's trial went by without a hitch as I knew it would. When they called on me to be a character witness I'd agreed, taking the stand as a good friend would even though I knew we'd never speak to each other again after our fallout. Thankfully no one knew about that but the two of us, so no one suspected a thing. I answered question after question about her behavior back in District 12 before the war, explained that she wasn't a needless killer or a murderous little girl but simply a hunter who must have felt a reason to take Coin down, even if the rest of us couldn't understand it. When they asked if there was something romantic going on between us I paused, unsure of what to say.
"She never wanted to be with me, not really. It was always going to be only Peeta in her heart, because he'd always been there waiting for her to realize it. The Mockingjay only ever wanted the boy with the bread." I said simply, and thankfully the lawyer let it rest at that without further prodding.
It wasn't until after I'd gotten off the stand and left the courtroom, Annie rushing out after me after seeing the no doubt sickened look on my face. When I told her everything, how Katniss thought it might have been my bomb, how I knew she'd never accept me against because of it, she didn't seem surprised.
"I thought something must have happened between the two of you. Your eyes have changed." She said with a small, sad smile brushing my hair off my forehead. I looked down at her in confusion, looking at my own grey eyes reflected in her large sea green ones. "They don't say the same things they used to when I first met you."
"Have they really?" I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets as we headed back to our rooms to finish packing before we headed off to District 4 to move her into her new home. Her house in Victor's Village wasn't an option since I didn't want her alone and depressed in a place that only held memories of captivity and pain. When Cressida was touring through all the Districts getting footage for a documentary on how Panem has changed since the end of the Hunger Games she stopped off in District 4 and found a house for Annie as a personal favor for me. Part of me wished I'd been able to convince her to go to District 2 with me, telling the people who asked that I didn't want her to be alone while she was pregnant with the fits of depression she'd been fighting since Finnick's death. If I was being honest with myself, the real reason was more selfish. I just didn't want her to be so far away, didn't want to be alone again. After everything that had happened during and right before the Quarter Quell and the war, the last thing I wanted was to be by myself. I needed her around to remind me there was something good left in the world, to remind me why we'd been fighting in the first place. We'd fought to free those held captive by the Capital, to give our children and future children a better place to live.
"Yes, they have. You have very expressive eyes." She smiled letting out a short but airy laugh. I could always tell the difference between her good days and her bad by whether or not she was quick to laugh. Internally I was thankful today was a good day for her – after the feelings the trial had stirred in me I couldn't stand having to be the upbeat one between the two of us. Also, I knew it would be easier to get her back to District 4 and find her a place to stay if she wasn't constantly moping and pressing her hands over her barely grown belly.
"And what do they say now?" I asked, turning to look at her. She took a deep breath, resting her hands on my shoulders as she rose on tiptoes to get on the same eyelevel as me. The way she looked at me as though she could see right through me into my heart unnerved me and exhilarated me at the same time.
"They're deep, like the oceans back home, and full of pain. You miss her friendship, but accept that she can never love you the way you once wanted her to – but that doesn't matter, because that ship sailed for you long ago. You no longer feel tied to her romantically." She said, her voice brightening with each word she uttered. The way she spoke, I could almost feel relief flooding her at the thought that I was fully over Katniss, and the idea that Annie was happy made me happy too. "Even through the pain I can see the sunrise on the horizon that sometimes overtakes everything else you feel. Its full of hope and a bright fledgling love for someone new."
"I wonder who that could be." I smiled softly, cupping her face in my hands. With everything happening so fast with Katniss's murder trial and planning for the baby, we still hadn't had time to really talk about where things were headed where the two of us were concerned as a couple. Part of me wondered if she would ever be able to love me fully after the intense love she'd had for Finnick. I'd loved his wife, and he'd gone to his grave knowing that. Would it be wrong to be with her? I'd watched him died, tried to save him only to have him push me away so she wouldn't have to live alone. Was that consent? Surely he must have known.
"I don't need your eyes to tell me that." Blushing softly she rested a hand over one of mine, her eyes locking onto mine. "Your hearts speaks my name louder than any sound I know."
"Annie…" Unable to stand the unspoken words anymore I leaned in, capturing his lips gently with mine feeling her gasp at the sudden contact before melting into it, into me, her arms winding around my neck pulling me close against her. Too soon but needing to breathe I pulled back, looking down at her, her heavy breath against my neck making my heart flutter. "I love you."
"I know," she said, taking my face in her hands and kissing me again, more insistently this time. The joy at finally saying the words I'd been holding back overwhelmed me as we kissed, and picking her up I spun her around, her lips leaving mine in a gleeful laugh. As I set her back on her feet I took her hands in both of mine.
"You once told me if thing had been different we might have loved each other. You know how I feel." I said, choosing my words very carefully. For this I knew the words had to be just right, that I couldn't afford to misspeak. Trying to channel Peeta in all his perfect eloquence I took a deep breath. "Things are different now. Katniss chose someone else, and Finnick… well… the war was unkind to love for both of us. But does that mean we can't be happy with someone else, someone new?"
"I know what you're trying to ask me, you don't have to tiptoe around it. Today I can handle truths." She said, taking my hand and tugging on me to keep walking. I'd almost forgotten we had bags to finish packing before we caught out train. "I know I have bad days where I can't handle reality, and I probably always will. But today I can see things for what they are. So just ask me."
"Do you love me?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop myself, Annie looking sideways at me with a small smile knowing he holds the ultimate power over me I never even relinquished to Katniss – I'd never asked her outright how she felt, and she'd never answered because she didn't have to. Her silence had said it all.
Suddenly I feel like the nervous little boy back in District 12 hiding behind the school house with my first crush so long ago, trying to work up the nerve to kiss her or at the very least tell her how I felt. Her name had been Marguerite – I'd almost forgotten about her, but everything came rushing back when we'd found her and her entire family dead after the bombing of District 12. I hadn't kissed her that day behind the school, even though I'd wanted to.
"What do you think?" She asked, touching the chain around my neck. Taking it gently between two fingers she pulled her shell out from under my shirt, resting a hand over it just above my heart. I knew she could feel how hard it was beating under her fingertips. Was her heart beating just as fast for me? "Of course I love you, you're my windstorm."
"Right… your windstorm." I asked flatly, wincing at how bitter my voice sounded. Keyword: best friend, not lover. She, like the girl before her, was never going to love me, was she? Her brows knitted together in confusion, but when she reached for me I pulled away. She made to speak but I cut her off, unable to listen. What was it that drew me to women who could never love me? Why did I always find myself love another man's girl? This time, I'd lost out to a ghost. "We need to finish packing. I don't want to miss our train. I'll come to your room to get your bags in half an hour."
"Gale wait, don't…" I turned and walked away from her anyways, my heart leaping up into my throat. Once again, I'd lost the girl I loved. As I shut the door of my room a minute later looking at my mostly packed bad I wondered if I would ever be able to find anyone who could love me.
"Can I come in?" I glanced up from where I'd been sitting at my desk at the doorway not the least bit surprised to see Beetee standing there, nodding. He pushed the door open shutting it tight behind him before taking a seat in the chair I kept next to my desk for when he came to visit. No one else ever came to see me. "I know I haven't said anything about it out of respect for you, but I can't be silent anymore. We need to talk."
"About what?" I asked, sure I knew the answer. He'd grown close to me in District 13 when we'd been building revolutionary new weapons together trying to win the war, and since the end of it had kept in close contact with me. It wasn't unusual for either of us to hop the train between Districts and visit each other very week or so. This must have been his week, I'd totally lost track. Lately all I'd been doing was working straight long hours into the night without stopping, half the time sleeping in the back of my office on the cot I kept behind the bookshelf just in case I needed it. His eyes lingered on it before he turned back to me, knowing what it meant more than anyone else possible could have understood.
"You know what, or more correctly, who." He said. I ignored it and tried to keep working taking deep breaths to steady myself against the floodgate of emotions he'd just opened. "I can't believe you could just drop Annie off in District 4 and get back on the train to come here."
"What was I supposed to do? We're not together, and we're certainly not married. I was just a convenient stand-in for the dead husband." I said angrily, flinching at my own words. I sounded horrible, felt it too. What kind of person was I?
"Why are you here in District 2 when you should be with Annie? I know that's where you really want to be." Beetee said his eyes boring into my skull.
"Because she made it quite clear before we boarded that train that I was just a friend to her. It doesn't matter what I want. I can't stand being the other man in a relationship again – you saw how well that worked the first time with… you know who I mean." I said, my hand shaking so much I had to stop filling out my paperwork until I'd calmed myself again. Even just thinking about Katniss was enough to bring me to my knees after Annie shot me down.
"She never said that and you know it. Look, you've both told me what was said that day. Why did her calling you her windstorm change everything?" He asked, sighing in frustration when I kept right on working and didn't respond. Letting out a very uncharacteristic growl he took the pen from my hand and threw it across the room, clapping a hand down hard on my shoulder. "You love her, and she loves you. I don't see why you feel the need to draw this out and make both of you miserable."
"If she missed me, she could call me. But she doesn't. What does that tell you?" I snapped back, knocking his hand aside. The way he was looking at me reminded me of another time months ago in a tent when someone else had been talking to me about my feelings for Annie. "Don't even give me that look. I don't want your pity."
"No, but you need it." Beetee said his voice tense with emotion. I turned to really look at him for the first time since we'd started talking, taking him in. He looked distraught. "She needs you Gale."
When I went to open my mouth to speak I stopped, something in his eyes throwing me off. They were sparkling with tears.
"…What do you know that I don't?" I asked my tone tense. He looked down at his hands in his lap.
"One of her nurses called me yesterday when she couldn't get a hold of you." He said, closing his eyes. "Annie isn't doing so well."
"What do you mean?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. My heart was starting to flutter in that familiar worried way it had the last two times I'd been forced to sit by and watch the Hunger Games take place, the same way I'd felt watching Annie mourn her husband. "Is she sick?"
"In a way, yes… they think she's falling into a serious depression." He said, finally looking up at me. There was no blame in his eyes, but I was close enough to him to know what he was thinking, and I agreed with him. If I had stayed in District 4 with her, even though it would have caused me pain, she would have been fine right now. "Sometimes there are days they can't get her to eat or drink anything and she's barely sleeping. Occasionally she has fits where she doesn't know where she is and it's like she's back in the Games again trying to fight everyone to survive. The nurses have shown up before and found her beating herself up and had to stop her. They can't get her to leave the house but when she does on her own she doesn't pay attention and almost gets herself killed. She's being reckless with her own life and not thinking of her child. Last week she slipped off the pier and nearly drowned, which they don't understand because she's such a good swimmer – but they said it's like she would have let herself drown is someone hadn't have been close enough to dive in and pull her out in time. There are days she doesn't know Finnick's dead. But she… when she does sleep she wakes up screaming for you."
"I knew she was… I didn't think it would get this bad so quickly. It's only been a few weeks." I said, hanging my head in my hands taking deep breaths to calm myself. I had to keep my head if I was going to figure out what to do to help her.
"They're worried if she doesn't get some kind of help soon she'll lose the baby… or end up killing herself."
Without another word I stood up, Beetee reaching into his pocket pulling out a train ticket for the next train going to District 4 handing it to me. I hugged him briefly, thanking him for everything without words before dashing out of my office and down to the train station without even bothering to pack or tell anyone where I was going. I have meetings and appointments made that needed to be cancelled, diner plans with my family, a trip schedules to the Capital for an interview with Cressida. Everything was going to have to wait now.
Annie needed me.
The first thing I did when I showed up, once I looked in on Annie to find her sleeping on the couch in the living room in front of the fireplace, was fire all the nurses who'd been taking care of her. As I held the phone in my hand I hesitated, unsure if what I was about to do would be helpful like I hoped or end up opening a whole can of worms I wasn't ready to dig through. Looking back at Annie on the couch I need what I had to do, dialing her number.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Everdeen? It's Gale Hawthorne." I heard her sharp intake of breath and knew the memories of home and our past in District 12 must have been flooding back to her. Part of me had been worried she would have hung up the phone as soon as she heard my name or remembered my voice, but the fact that she hadn't made me feel slightly hopeful. "I know I'm probably the last person you expected to call you, but I need your help."
As I explained to her the situation Beetee had related to me about Annie's condition, as well as information from the files I made the nurses leave behind when they left so that I could look over them, she didn't comment much expect to ask a few questions she found critical. When I was done there was silence on the other end, static crackle the only thing I could hear. Sighing I moved to hang up the phone.
"This means a lot to you, that she lives, doesn't it?" She asked. I help the phone back to my ear, anxious. There was a slight pause before she spoke again. "I'll be on the next train out to District 4. I don't forever the people who took care of me and Prim during Katniss's trips to the arena."
"Thank you," I say, putting the phone back onto the hook.
Now that was taken care of, the next mission was to make some sense of the intense mess and disrepair the nurses had allowed the house to fall into. From the looks of things, they hadn't done anything to help Annie in any way, medically or around the house. I placed a few phone calls to some of the people I knew back in District 2, convincing a few people to come out the next day as a personal favor to me to help fix things up. Finally, the only thing left to do was let her know I was there.
"Annie…" I said softly, kneeling beside her head. There were tears sparkling on her eyelashes even though she was fast asleep, her lips moving silently to words I couldn't hear. I reached up to stroke her hair, Annie shifting in her sleep flipping onto her side facing me. As she did, she left slip my name in a mournful cry that broke my heart. I touched her face gently, watching her eyes open slowly. "I'm sorry I left you."
"You finally came… I was beginning to give up." She said groggily, a soft and sad smile curling at the edges of her lips. Her hands drifted down to her slightly swelled belly, patting it gently. "I was beginning you weren't going to be here when your child is born."
"My… son?" I asked hesitantly, tears welling in my eyes. She was so out of it she thought I was Finnick, that her husband had come home. "No Annie, I'm not who you think I am. It's me, Gale."
"I know who you are." She said with a soft smile, her fingertips ghosting over my lips. "You asked me if I loved you, and when I answered you didn't understand. When I called you mine, I meant it. I meant I loved you. I want you to give my baby a father, and love me."
"Is this your way of proposing to me?" I asked half laughing even as tears slid down my face. She nodded sleepily, running her fingers through my hair. "How about we wait until you're feeling better and not half asleep to discuss this, okay?"
"Alright," she said, rolling back over to go back to sleep. "I'll still want to marry you later, but I'll wait. I'm glad you're here Gale."
"I'm glad too sweetheart."