We were all giving a picture of the sonogram but even though I was staring at it in the taxi on the way home, I still couldn't believe it. We all asked Nadia how it was possible but then I remembered my dad and my uncle were twins.
"Twins run in your family! How lovely." Nadia had smiled down at me after I had changed back into street clothes.
"Yeah right." Dan and I both grunted with displeasure.
"Jinx." I had said dishearteningly when everyone was surprised by our reactions.
"I understand why Jennifer is upset, having to push those babies through her birthing area." Phil had said then he rounded on Dan just as confused as he was upset. "But why are you?" Dan looked at a loss for words to try to explain. Neither of them had spoken for the rest of the appointment. I was afraid of contacting them in case of me being the last straw which would cause a huge fight that would end up in separation... Or worse. But I pushed the thoughts aside as I paid the taxi driver and got out.
My phone chirped and vibrated as I was unlocking my apartment door. It was Dan.
'Hey, how's it going?' The text read. I put my purse down, shut the door and was about to reply when I received a text from Phil.
'Hey, whatcha up to?' I felt a red flag go up. If they were both texting me at the same time, then were they not together? I hit reply to Dan's first.
'Nothing much, what about you?' Then to Phil.
'I'm just hanging out at home, what about you?'
Dan: 'I'm out at a pub, I needed to clear my head.'
Phil: 'Me too, Dan went out and I'm alone. Better enjoy it while I can, eh?'
Me to Dan: 'Yeah, it was getting pretty heated at the clinic...'
Me to Phil: 'Yeah, me too. So, what happened at the clinic today?'
Dan: 'Yea... I just wasn't expecting two and I got flustered... Do you want to come out, have a pint and talk about it?'
Phil: 'Dan was being weird as usual. I just wish he'd just accept that we're starting a family already! I MEAN, HOW HARD IS IT TO COMPERHEND!? JFC!'
Me to Dan:'I don't think drinking will help... Plus, carrying twins, not a good mix with alcohol... I also don't think I should be the one who you should be talking to...'
Me to Phil: 'Calm down and just put yourself in Dan's shoes for a second: You were in a calm, happy marriage and was just thinking about having kids. Put your names up on the surrogate program, probably not going to see anything in the next several months; at least. Then you find the perfect woman in a couple of weeks, tests finish up, get pregnant and now you're having TWINS in only a month or so. Wouldn't you be a little alarmed and freaked out yourself?'
It was several minutes before I got a reply from either but they both replied at the same time.
Dan: 'You're probably right... But it's so hard to speak to him about these things...'
Phil:'I suppose so... But still we have talked about this for so long and I thought he was as ready as I was... I just thought he was ready to grow up... '
Me to Phil: 'Grow up? What do you mean?' I was very concerned to hear this. Why did Phil feel this way? And for how long?
Phil: 'Never mind it's stupid.' My fingers were a frenzy on the on screen's keyboard.
Me to Phil: 'Phil, listen to me: IT'S NOT STUPID! Please tell me what's going on.'
Phil: 'Can't talk now, Dan came home TTYL'
"No!" I yelled out loud in the empty apartment. Since I was alone and there was absolute quite, my sudden outburst hurt my ears. I ignored the pain as I pressed the phone to my ear.
"This is Phil, leave a message after the rawr." Phil's voice mail instructed me.
"Damn it Phil." I cursed under my breathe as I hung up the phone. I then felt like I shouldn't swear at all, what with the two sea monkeys in my belly. "Calm down." I said to no one in particular then I caught myself rubbing my abdomen like a loving owner would his dog. "Dan and Phil are fine and everything else will be too." I looked down at my phone and checked it even though it hadn't made an any attempt to alert me yet. "I need to occupy myself." I informed the apartment as if the furniture would come to life and assist me.
I went to my closet and grabbed my guilty pleasures: crayons and coloring books. I recalled spending hours as an only child without interruption on my bedroom floor coloring the pages of Scooby Doo and Hello Kitty with the sunlight streaming through the sad excuse for blinds. It was as peaceful and relaxing as it was sad and lonely to remember. But now I craved that seclusion and peace of not caring about a world filled with paperwork and appointments.
I was in the middle of my fifth coloring page (which was of Blue from Blue's Clues and her guy friend, Magenta) when my phone came to live. I practically threw my crayons across the room as I ran to grab it.
"Hello?" I asked sightly breathless and worriedly.
"Jennifer, this is your landlord. Your rent is due." Al grunted into the phone. What a horrible interruption to my childhood forgetfulness, I thought growing upset.
"Yes Al, I was just writing out the check and sending it to you." I lied grabbing a pen and paper writing frantically 'Pay rent ASAP!'.
"Oh really?" Al sounded doubtful as much as he was angry. Just as he was about to tear me a new one, I was receiving another call. I glanced quickly down at it and saw it was Phil. This send all my eternal organs up my throat as I spluttered at Al.
"Yes okay Al, I have to go now. I will send you the rent tomorrow, have a good night now." I hung up on him while he was in mid yell. My mother would have flipped out but she wasn't here and Phil was on the other line. "Hello?" I asked but I knew who it was.
"Hi." Phil sounded defeated, never a good sign.
"Phil, what happened?" I asked worriedly drumming the nearby counter top absentmindedly.
"Everything is fine, Dan and I worked everything out, we just were having a rough patch." Phil promised me but the deflated tone in his voice told me otherwise.
"Are you sure?" I asked sensing I was being lied to. "Please Phil don't lie to me." I said before he could answer. There was an exorbitantly long pause in which no one spoke.
"I have to go." Phil muttered into the phone.
"Phil tell me what-" He hung up on me. I supposed I deserved it but that didn't make me any less mad nor frustrated. The whole reason I left America was so I wasn't left out of the loop by my family and now here I was thousands of miles away from them and I was still being left outside of that annoying, never ending loop.
Why did this always happen to me? I wondered. "Well, it never happened when I was pregnant." I said to myself tossing the phone on the couch and returning to my coloring.
But I just looked down at the page before I uttered the few words I had been keeping in long before I had met Dan and Phil face to face: "Fuck, I miss home." I didn't mean the judgmentally, fighting home that I left behind. I meant the home I felt when I was first coloring these pages the first time around.
The childhood that I never appreciated. That was the home I missed.