A/N Hello beautiful people! The reviews last chapter blew me away! An overwhelming amount of you had Robert Pattinson on your "lists" and it made me giggle. I started sending out collages of your top five picks, but after about two hours of doing that, I decided that you probably would rather me spend time writing than working on collages, lol. So, here's a new chapter... Don't hate Rose, okay? She's trying. And Bella's an emotional wreck... so don't judge her too much.

A million thanks for Kat for being the most amazing beta! I love you woman!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related, but I do own this storyline**

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend,
Part of me, like breathing
Now half of me is left
I don't know anything at all,
Who am I to say you love me,
I don't know anything at all,
And who am I to say you need me.
Color me blue, I'm lost in you,
Don't know why I'm still waiting.
Many moons have come and gone,
Don't know why I'm still searching.

-- Hope "Who Am I To Say"

-----

I did not allow myself to break down. I wanted to be stronger than that. The ride back to Rose's was quiet and there was just so much that I wanted to ask her. However, my mind had different plans and kept replaying the scene of Alice and Jake kissing in the restaurant. The fact that he started it and that she not only did not pull away, and instead furthered it, killed me. It made me wonder how long this had been going on and just how far they had gone.

You would think that you could trust your best friends. Especially since they never seemed to hang out together… When did that even start?

Um, hello… maybe when you went all catatonic over getting drunk and kissing Edward, and forgetting to call him. Alice did say she received a call from him asking to go to his gig last night, remember?

Yeah, but I didn't think anything of it.

You had no reason to.

Since when did you become the voice of reason?

I always have been. I just like fucking with you. My inner self smirked at me.

We pulled up to Rose's house and we sat in the car for a few minutes before she finally spoke, "Are you okay? You're just really quiet and I think I expect you to break down into tears any minute…"

"No, I'm not okay… Not even close. I just… Just don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, how to react… I'm just so fucking confused."

"You have every right to be. Have you ever suspected them to do something like this?"

I shook my head no.

"Then you're allowed to be shocked, and surprised. You're allowed to be angry and want to scream, cry, and break anything in sight."

Sighing, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I refused to break down in front of Rose. That was something I needed to do alone. "Yeah, I know. I just can't believe it, you know? It's a total surprise, and it pisses me off. I can't just go home, because if I do, I'll have to see her and talk to her and all I really want to do is punch her."

Rose laughed. "Well, that's expected, too."

"Rose, why doesn't Ed--," I cut myself off, not sure if I should continue with what I wanted to ask.

"What? Why doesn't Edward…?" She questioned quirking an eyebrow.

"Why doesn't Edward care about the cheating? He obviously knows doesn't he?" I thought back to the conversation I had with him where he told me that they had been seeing a marriage counselor.

"I'm sure he knows. However, I don't think he doesn't care, I just think that he's ready for it to be over. We've had conversations. We've done the whole marriage-counseling thing, we've done the whole, 'Let's try and work this out' thing, but at the end of the day, my decision has been made, as is his. We just don't love each other anymore."

"Then why would you get so mad at Edward if he got with another woman?" I questioned. Because he's trying to get with me, and I kind of don't want to stop him. Especially after today…I just need someone. Now.

"Bella, anything Edward does is going to piss me off. Even if I don't love him anymore, I still care for him, but when your marriage is over, it makes you realize that even though we said 'forever', our forever is never going to happen. I'm selfish, and I'm vain. I don't want him to want anyone other than me."

"How is that fair?"

"It's not. I know it's not, but I can't help the way I think. Am I going to stop him if he goes out with another woman? No. But I will give him hell." She chuckled.

"Did he give you hell?"

"At first he did. I'm sure it hurt him more than he lets on…," She said, trailing off. "And besides, you're giving Alice and Jake hell, and you weren't even dating him, right? You were just friends with benefits?

"I took a sharp intake of breath, willing myself to calm down. "We might have been friends with benefits, but there were deep feelings involved… At least for me there was." I said, whispering that last part.

"Bella, look at me." Rose commanded.

I looked up at her, breathing shakily.

"Did you love him?"

I paused and thought about it. Did I love Jake? "Um, yes?" I said, my answer coming out more like a question than an answer.

"You hesitated there, sweetie. You had to think about it. When you love someone, you should be able to give a straight answer, without hesitation, without question. Do you think he loves you?"

Biting my lip, I hesitated again. Does Jake love me? He hasn't ever really said it without being prompted to after one of our hook ups.

"You're hesitating again, Bella…,"

"I know… I know… I guess, the answer would have to be maybe?"

"There are no maybes in love."

Shaking my head no, and trying to blink back the tears, I said, "Yes, there is. There has to be…"

"Do you think that Jake possibly was just taking advantage of you?"

"He wouldn't… He… No, he wouldn't do that to me… I don't think…," The tears started falling freely down my face. "I don't think he'd use me… Do you?"

"What I think is you're a beautiful girl, who doesn't realize she's beautiful. That you were willing to settle with Jake because he made you feel special, right?"

"He did make me feel special…,"

"But did he ever attempt to do anything outside of hooking up with you? Did he take you to dinner? Did he take you to a movie? Going to his shows don't count, those weren't about you, those were about him. Did he ever do anything for you? Or were you the one who had to do it all? Make the plans?"

"Um…," I bit my lip.

"Sweetie, don't settle just because you want someone to make you feel like you're worth something. That's what I did with Edward, and look where it's headed. Besides, you're worth so much more than a guy who cheats on you with your best friend."

I closed my eyes and choked back a sob as Rose leaned over and hugged me.

"It's going to be okay…," She said, rubbing soothing circles across my back.

My phone started ringing and I immediately hit the power button, effectively shutting it off without bothering to look down to see who was calling. "Rose… I don't have any clothes to wear if I stay with you, but I really don't want to go home and risk running into them…,"

"No worries, we can always go shopping, or I can send Edward over with you so you can grab some clothes. He can help you avoid a confrontation with either of them."

I nodded my head and sighed. "Do you think we should go in now? I'm sure that if Emmett was looking out of the window, he'd be wondering what we were doing just sitting in the car."

"If he looked out the window and saw us in an embrace, he'd probably think that we were making out and he'd find it hot."

I giggled. "Oh geez. He would too, I'm sure."

Rose joined in laughing with me. "He so would. He's a pig like that. But, he's great to be around."

"Rose?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you for allowing me to stay with you. And thank you for being my friend."

-----

Rose allowed me to stay in one of their guest rooms. She called Edward to fill him in on what had happened and to let him know that I would be staying with them for as long as needed in exchange for watching the kids whenever needed. I felt myself immediately getting nervous.

What are you more nervous about? Running into Alice and Jake, or being alone with Edward?

Both.

We headed outside to play with Emma and Bobby for a little while. I was glad that Rose was trying to help me get my mind off of all the events of the day. I found myself giggling at Emmett's antic. He acted just like a little kid in a big man's body. It felt good to laugh and for a while, I was able to forget.

That is, until Edward arrived home. Then I knew it was time to face the music.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked me, after we had finished eating dinner.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

So we got into the car and drove an hour. It wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. We had playful banter and when there was a lull in the conversation, it really just gave way to comfortable silence.

When Edward and I arrived to my apartment, I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to think about anything that I could to calm myself down.

"I don't know if I can do this, Edward. I don't know if I can walk in and see them. I don't want to hear their excuses…," I said, looking up and over at him. I was sure the hurt and panic I felt was evident in my eyes.

"Bella, you won't have to listen to them. We'll just go in, grab some of your things and leave. You don't have to talk to them just because they want to talk to you." He reached over and held my hand, effectively sending my nerves away and replacing them with something much different.

You perv. All he's doing is holding your hand, and you want to hump him?

No!

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Then why are you getting all excited about him holding your hand?

I really have no idea. It feels like there's a surge of electricity flowing through us and I can't help that it's causing me to feel good.

You're so lame. You need to get out and date more.

"I really am lame." I said out loud.

"What do you mean? I didn't call you lame at all…," Edward said, looking at me questioningly.

Feeling the heat rise in my cheeks, I tried to come up with something fast, so that I didn't have to explain to him that I was, once again, having a full on conversation with myself, in my head. "I just meant that I'm so lame for being so nervous… Let's just get this over with." Nice save.

Nodding, he let go of my hand and got out of the car. I immediately missed the contact, but hid my disappointment and began to open my car door. Edward got to it first, opening it and holding out his hand to help me get out.

"Oh, thank you." I said, surprised. "I'm not used to having someone open a car door for me, and take my hand to help me out… Unless you count people at the valet… But I don't think that really counts." Ramble much, Bella?

Edward chuckled, "No, they don't count."

I smiled and held tightly to my house key, taking deeps breaths with every step I took, until I reached the front door. "Well, I might as well just get this over with." Unlocking the door and opening it cautiously, I was relieved to see that Alice and Jake were nowhere in sight.

You're not in the clear yet. They could be in any part of the house.

I know, I know. I'm just glad that I didn't have to see them when I first walked in.

Edward and I walked inside, and I shut the door. I didn't bother locking it knowing that I was going to just get a few things and leave.

Grabbing Edward's hand, I pulled him to my room. "Let's hurry and just grab whatever we can. I really don't want to run into them."

"Alright, just tell me what you want and need, and I'll do that for you," he said, squeezing my hand.

My breathing accelerated. I could tell you exactly what I want right now.

You. Edward. Alone. Room. Is that such a good idea?

Probably not. But I know I won't try to do anything.

You won't, but will he?

I doubt it.

Just because you doubt something, doesn't mean it won't happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up. Nothing is going to happen.

We walked into my room, and I was thankful that it wasn't a disaster zone. "So uh, yeah… This is my room."

"So I see. Why do you seem so nervous?" he asked me.

"I feel like I'm in high school. Being alone… bringing you to my room…," I said, letting go of his hand and blushing.

"And do you think I'm going to take advantage of you?"

"No. I was thinking I was going to take advantage of you… Uh… Shit…," I looked down and hid my face.

Oh. Fuck. Did I just say that out loud?

You did.

What expression is on his face right now?

I don't know, because you're not looking at him. If you don't look at him, I can't look at him.

Oh. Right.

He laughed.

"Are you laughing at me?" I said, utterly embarrassed.

"Not at you. But at this situation. A few days ago, I would've given anything to be alone with you in a room with a bed…," He said trailing off suggestively.

I looked up at him; sure, my face was redder than a tomato.

"But, after what took place today I just can't…,"

"Are you rejecting me?" I asked, feeling my eyes sting with tears of embarrassment and rejection.

"No, I'm not rejecting you! I just don't think that it's a good idea right now."

I hid my face in my hands trying my hardest not to break down. My plans changed when I felt his arms wrap around me and I finally just let go and cried.

"Why am I not good enough for anyone?" I sobbed. "Anyone I get close to just hurts me. I am always left for something, or someone better. I just don't get it. What's wrong with me? Why does everyone feel the need to leave me?"

"What happened to you to cause you to feel like you aren't good enough?" Edward asked, leading me over to my bed so we could sit down on the edge.

My past really wasn't something I had ever talked about with anyone. Jasper was the only one who knew about it. But he was gone… and I didn't know if he was ever going to come back.

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Well, then, how about you tell me why you feel the need to cry over this Jacob guy…,"

"I'm not just crying over Jake. I'm crying over lost friendships."

"How did you even become friends with him?"

"We met in detention."

Edward snorted. "Sorry. You got detention as a kid? I remember you as a mild-mannered and quiet kid."

I hiccup-laughed and nodded. "Well, I was. I just took the blame for someone else."

"So, tell me what happened…,"

"There's nothing really to tell. I took the blame for someone else, got detention, and met Jake. We immediately became friends and started hanging out all the time."

"When did the hooking up start?"

"Wow, you can't wait to get to the 'good stuff' can you?" I said, grimacing.

"The look on your face tells me it wasn't really good stuff."

"It wasn't. We started hooking up after Jasper left…,"

Edward looked pained and it was my turn to hug him. "I keep forgetting that you two knew each other."

He nodded, "Yeah we did. But that's not what's wrong…,"

"What are you talking about?" I asked truly confused.

"Bella, you and Jake started hooking up after Jasper left?"

I nodded.

"He was taking advantage of you," he simply said.

"No he wasn't. I started it…,"

"You might have started it, but he should've ended it. You weren't in the right emotional state to be having sex with someone. Damn it, this is why it's hurting you so much!" He looked so angry.

"What are you talking about?"

"The only reason you're so attached to Jake is because he was your lifeline after Jasper left. Now I understand his reaction to me at the park the other day."

"Once again, I'm confused. Wasn't that the first time you two met?"

Edward hesitated.

"Just tell me, please…," I begged.

"Well, that was technically the first time we had ever met officially, but we had seen each other before. He was out at a bar with some girls and they were pretty wasted and it looked like he was trying to take advantage of them, so I stepped in and told him to go fuck himself."

"We didn't really have an exclusive relationship. I knew he was hooking up with other girls. The only reason this bothers me so much is because he was with Alice."

"I'm not finished," he said, looking like he really didn't want to continue.

I sat there quietly, suddenly afraid to hear what he was going to say.

"Well, after I told him to fuck himself, the girls who were around him left and he looked at me and sneered. He said, 'I don't have to go fuck myself. I can just call up my girl and have her fuck me. Or maybe, I'll just have her roommate do me instead.' and he turned and walked out of the bar. I had no idea that he was talking about you. When we ran into each other at the park, I could tell he recognized me, but I still didn't know that you two were sleeping together. I didn't know until after we got drunk and you talked about him."

I felt myself suddenly feeling really nauseous. "So, he's been seeing Alice for awhile?"

"I guess so."

The feeling of nausea gave way to anger. I felt my body start to tense and I really felt the need to break something. "So he really was just using me? He did take advantage of me? He didn't really need me like I needed him?!" I screamed my fists balled at my side.

"Calm down, Bella," Edward said, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"I can't calm down! I thought that maybe this had happened recently, but apparently, it's been going on for a while! And Alice didn't have the decency to tell me? YOU didn't have the decency to tell me?"

"You disappeared and stopped answering your phone after you left my house that day, two weeks ago! I was going to tell you last night, but you seemed to be in a hurry to get back to Alice anyway, so I figured I'd tell you the next time I saw you. I didn't think that you'd catch them. Hell, I don't think THEY thought that you'd catch them!"

I stood up and grabbed my overnight bag out of my closet and started throwing things into it. "Let's just get my stuff and leave."

He nodded and stood up, helping me throw things into my bag. I walked into my bathroom and grabbed my toiletries.

Ask him why he kissed you that first day you started watching the kids.

I can't.

Just, ask him. Then ask him why he kissed you when you two were drunk.

I can't!

Just do it!

I walked back into my room and saw Edward still putting clothes into my bag. "Edward?"

"What?" he asked, his voice still had an edge of anger to it.

"I was just wondering why you kissed me the first day I started watching your kids."

He sighed. "I don't know what came over me. You were in the kitchen, and I felt an instinct I had never felt before. I just had to be near you. I had to feel you. I had to taste you."

I shuddered, knowing exactly what he meant. "And what about that night we got drunk? I almost jumped your bones that night."

He chuckled, and then became serious. "I almost jumped yours. I kissed you that night because I was drunk, and because I heard the desperation and hurt in your voice when you talked about yourself and Jake. I hate hearing you say you're not good enough."

"Because, I'm not," I said, sighing.

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not. And I don't want to argue about it anymore."

"Wow, he really messed you up badly, didn't he?," Edward whispered so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. "I can see the hurt and pain in your eyes."

I closed my eyes wanting to shield them from his gaze. I wasn't sure exactly which man in my life he was referring to. Jasper. Jake. My dad. Every man that has ever been in my life. But when I opened my eyes once again and looked into his, all I could do was nod.

"So much that it hurts to breathe. But, when you hurt so much you can't breathe… That is when you survive."

A/N So, what do ya think? Question this chapter is: What's the worst hook up experience you've ever had?

Review and let me know!