Spoilers: Anything in the first half of season 11 is fair game, but for the record the events of "Here and There" never happened. I don't plan on using any explicit spoilers anyway.
Content Warning: Nada in this chapter
Disclaimer: ER and its characters are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Amblin Entertainment and Constant C Productions. No infringement intended and these characters are used within without permission. In other words, I don't own everyone and everything you recognize, but I do own Jenny and Mina. Besides, I own nothing worth having except my car (who's 18) and a toaster, so I'd suggest not suing.
Second Time Around – Chapter Ten
"Ow."
Jenny stuck the pricked end of her finger into her mouth and grimaced. Neela looked up and smiled. The redhead was struggling gamely to do her part in creating the costume. Progress, though the quality couldn't be faulted, was slow.
"You OK?"
"Yeah." Jenny removed the offending finger and nodded, examining the digit for any sign of blood. "I mean, my hands feel like pin-cushions but anything for my favourite diva-in-the-making."
"She's unbearable." Neela glanced up again. Jenny grinned knowingly. "Isn't she?"
"No more than normal." Jenny nervously picked up her own needle again, eyeing the fabric suspiciously. "She's just excited."
Jenny affirmed eventually. Neela tilted her head, wistful, her own fingers moving nimbly across the fabric. Jenny watched – a form of awe.
"You must have been good at that whole doctoring thing - " Jenny gestured at her hands. "You sew faster than anyone I've ever seen."
"Suturing is different." Neela stated flatly, never looking up. "My mother taught me. Said it was important."
"She was right." Jenny admitted, her lack of practical skills currently shaming her. "So, any word from your other half?"
Neela's eyes snapped up sharply, momentarily inflamed, until she saw the deliberately mocking expression on the redheads face.
"Yeah, he's managed to swap shifts." She sighed, genuinely relieved. Mina would have had the strop to end strops if her daddy had missed her first school play. "And don't call him that."
Jenny rolled her eyes at the scolding tone of voice.
"So, he'll be here?"
"Tomorrow afternoon." Neela answered, returning to her sewing." Alone, in case you're worried."
She added.
"Why would I be?"
Jenny was instantly on the defensive. Neela gave her a stern, but knowing look.
"You look almost disappointed."
"Don't mistake disappointment for -"
"Denial?" She cut in sharply. Jenny sighed – lost for an answer it seemed – and pretended to examine her stitching again. "Well, that's what you're in."
"I am not."
Jenny hated the petulance in her tone of voice.
"Why else the sudden vow of silence on all things Bret related since the New Year?"
"I'd just…" Jenny stammered for her next word, hating how disarmed she felt at Neela's question. Neela stopped sewing and looked up – brown eyes intent. "There's nothing to talk about, that's all."
She said finally – trying to signal the end of the conversation.
"Yeah." Neela muttered under her breath, frustrated by the wall that surrounded her best friend on the subject of Mina's godfather. "Right."
They continued their creative efforts in silence – the school play was tomorrow, it was imperative the costume be finished.
The leading lady had to look the part, after all.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"He isn't here."
Neela hissed. Jenny jumped – attention entirely elsewhere. She turned to face the entrance. The school hall was already busy, but there was one notable exception to the throng of proud parents.
"Jenny." Neela's voice came through gritted teeth. "If he doesn't make it – I'm gonna…"
Frustration rose in her tone. Jenny laid a hand on her shoulder, attempting reassurance.
"He is going to be here." She stated calmly and firmly, hoping her tone wouldn't belie her own deep-seated fears about the situation. "Neela, he said he would. He wouldn't let Mina down."
"She…" Neela took a deep breath, just stopped her voice from cracking. "She just wants him here."
"I know." Jenny assured, squeezing the tense shoulder gently. "And he'll be here."
Five more nervous minutes passed. Neela tapped her feet and fidgeted her hands alternately, a bundle of increasingly nervous energy. Jenny felt tired just sitting next to her. Her own stomach was twisted in a knot as well – knowing full well how miserable the next few days would be if he wasn't here.
The lights went down, and the seat next to her was still empty. Pitch black and empty. Visions of exactly what she would do when she finally saw him flashed past her eyelids in those few seconds between the lights going down and…
"Sorry."
A familiar voice whispered in her ear, fumbling with his jacket and awkwardly sliding into the seat. Jenny's stomach untied, Neela's hands and feet stilled, murderous thoughts pushed to the back of her mind. For now.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"Daddy, Daddy…did you see? Was I good?"
Mina threw herself, costume and all, into her father's arms. No one else had quite the same effect. Seeing her father lit Mina up from the inside. Neela stood quietly nearby – contemplating the scene.
"Yes, princess." He scooped Mina up easily, swinging her into his arms. She squealed. "I saw everything."
"Just."
Jenny whispered in Neela's ear, laughing lightly. Mina beamed happily, blissfully unaware how close he'd been to missing it.
"You were brilliant." He reassured, smiling back at her. "So brilliant, I think we should celebrate."
Mina nodded enthusiastically, her whole body moving with the sheer effort. Ray looked over to Neela for approval.
"How about, oh I don't know, we go get the biggest portion of fries we can find, and follow it up with the stickiest ice cream on the menu?"
Neela rolled her eyes, pretending to play disapproving mother. But the whole scene, for some reason she couldn't fathom, made her heart want to burst.
At that moment, she couldn't imagine a more perfect end to the evening.
A dieticians and a dentists nightmare. Mina's dream, at least tonight.
"Right." Ray set Mina down. "That's settled."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Dinner had consisted of burgers and fries all round, at a diner Neela knew Mina liked because of the bright, 50's décor. It was all gleefully tacky. It was so out of place in Lincoln, but that was what made it unique.
They also happened to have the best range of sundaes in the town. Which was the course they were on now. Mina, apparently, had greater capacity for food than any of her adult companions – greedily delving into the sticky hot fudge sundae in front of her.
"Seriously." Jenny looked on at the 5 year old in wonder. "Where is she putting it all?"
Neela shrugged, digging her spoon into their shared ice-cream half-heartedly. Her heart wasn't the only thing that was fit to burst anymore. Just looking at the remaining creamy mush was enough to give her heartburn.
Mina, on the other hand, was still diving into her bowl with some gusto. Neela marvelled – again – at her daughter's ability to continually surprise her.
"Hollow legs?" Neela theorised, bringing the half-loaded spoon to her own mouth.
"Must be." Jenny muttered.
Mina paused – spoon halfway back to the by now sticky mess in her glass bowl – and looked up. Her eyes were suspicious, hooded by those fabulous black lashes, and she regarded Jenny and Neela in turn.
"What?"
Her 5-year-old vocabulary didn't stretch far enough to articulate it, but her face said it all. She knew when she was being watched.
"Just wondering if you were enjoying your ice cream." Jenny covered quickly, watching another full spoon pass the small, pink lips, a creamy trail running over down over the brown skin. "It looked really nice."
"It was." Mina turned and gazed earnestly up at her father. "Thank you, daddy."
Ray smiled, and brought the already prepared napkin to Mina's chin, wiping away the remnants that were running down her face.
"You're more than welcome."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Ostensibly, he was here to see his daughter's school play. Mina was, as ever, delighted to see him. She had demanded every spare second of his time from the end of the school play until they had finally managed to get her to slip off to sleep.
He padded down the stairs – just after 8pm, having read three different bedtime stories – with his mother's words of yesterday echoing in his head. It was during their monthly phone call. She had demanded to know what "real" support he was offering Neela. She meant money. Children weren't cheap, she'd said, and he was earning more than Neela was.
He had to concede that, for once, his mother had a valid point. He had taken it for granted until now, because it was easier to ignore the prickly subjects until they had established some sort of workable visitation arrangement.
That and talking about this avoided the potentially loaded conversation about his last visit.
Neela was in the utility room, head bent over the wash-basket, lips pursed in frustration and concentration.
"Want a hand?"
He offered – stepping across to the opposite side of the basket.
"Pairing socks? Be my guest."
She looked up, surprise registering on her face, and smiled.
They settled into a comfortable routine, building a pyramid of paired socks to the left of the basket.
"Think we should be encouraging her Shirley Temple tendencies?" Ray said eventually, having struggled with the best way to raise the subject, and deciding on an indirect route into it. "She seemed way too comfortable in the spotlight…"
"Can't think who she gets that from - " Neela teased, laying another pair aside, and grinning briefly at him.
"Well." He began. "With your looks and my talent – the girl's gonna go far."
"I won't deny you that." Neela conceded, still smiling. The silence threatened again, and Ray fumbled for words.
"Uh. Neela?" The tone made her look up again, nervous as it was. "This is kind of awkward but I…uh…"
He broke off. Frustration began to rise in her expression, but she decided to let him spit it out.
"Well, raising her can't be cheap…and…" Neela eyes widened. "As she gets older, it's only gonna get more expensive."
"What are you asking?" The words exploded out of her, harsh and unchecked. "Because I don't know that my finances are any of your business."
"They are when you're supporting my daughter." His own temper flared momentarily, a move he immediately regretted. Her eyes burned, clearly defensive.
"Our daughter." She retorted, inflamed by what she felt were his insinuations. "She's our daughter. And I've done just fine."
"That's not what I meant." He tried to backtrack, soothe the anger. "All I meant was you shouldn't have to do it alone. Not anymore."
"Well, thanks but no thanks." Neela threw the last pair of socks viciously into the pile, her tone bitter. "I don't need your money."
He stood there – irritated by his muteness, shocked by her response. He hadn't been…Surely, she knew he wasn't criticising her. Surely, she wasn't that proud.
"Goodnight."
The word snapped off into the night, suitably biting. His head reeled. That had not been how he had envisioned the conversation.
The evening, which had been so close to perfect he had never wanted it to end, was now ruined.
It had been a bad idea.
But the damage was now done.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
The household was peaceful, although it was a discomforting, fitful peace. He checked the softly glowing clock on the microwave as he padded into the kitchen. 12:30am. He blinked rapidly, stretched to relieve his cramped muscles, and headed for the fridge. The sofa bed had been the least comfortable place to be – he had been restless, tossing and turning, eyes closed but not asleep for about the last hour.
Finally, he'd given in to the insomnia and decided to get up. The kitchen had seemed the logical place to go.
"Couldn't sleep?"
Ray jumped as the shadowy figure slipped into the dim glow of the refrigerator light, greeting him with softly, whispered words.
"Shit!" He exclaimed, hand closing reflexively on the ice-cream carton. "Damn, you scared me."
He turned to face Jenny, who stood there in light blue pyjamas, hair spilling uncontrolled over her shoulders. Even in the dim light, he could see her eyes were slightly bloodshot.
"Me neither."
She admitted with a shrug. Ray closed the fridge door, and leaned against it.
"Care to share?" The tone was a concerned one. Jenny wasn't a light sleeper. Usually, she slept like the dead. Something about this didn't add up.
"One insomniac to another?" A brief, knowing smile touched her lips. "If you like. On one condition."
"What?"
Jenny gestured to the carton, and then laid her hand out palm up and clearly expectant.
"That you hand me a spoon."
"Haven't you had enough ice cream for one day?" Ray teased, remembering the diner earlier.
"I don't believe there's any such thing." Jenny returned – only halfway joking.
As quietly as he could manage, he retrieved two spoons from the cutlery drawer. He handed one to Jenny. Her feet made no sound as she retreated from the kitchen. She sat down on the end of the sofa bed, tucked her feet up under her, burrowing them as far into the ruffled covers as she could.
Ray settled facing her, adopting a similar cross-legged position.
"So." He dragged the word out, effort concentrated on working the edge of the lid to free it and reveal the contents. It came free, and he cast it aside, looking up. "Midnight fridge raid…you're not normally a night owl."
Jenny ducked her head, spoon headed for the carton to fill her mouth so she wouldn't have to fill the silence.
"What's going on, Jenny?"
He prompted. She swallowed, sharply, the cold sending a chill up her spine.
"I…I…" She hesitated. He tilted his head and regarded her more curiously. "I haven't been sleeping great recently. Stuff on my mind."
"Stuff?" Disbelief caused the word to come out more forcefully than he'd intended. Her grey eyes met his with something approaching shock. "Jenny, who do you think you're talking to?"
"Has he…? Has he said anything?" Fingers fidgeted the loose folds of material at the crease of her knee, the questions leading, hesitant. She wanted to know, needed to know, but something in her dreaded the answer.
"No." Ray's answer was somewhat exasperated. "But that's precisely why I know something's not right."
There was a momentary silence, in which both took mouthfuls of ice-cream and regarded each other.
"Look, Jenny. I don't know what this is about. But you can talk to me…I don't share my ice-cream with just anyone, after all."
"It's stupid, really." Jenny tried to wave it off. Her tone was trying to be light, but the tinges of what lay beneath dragged it down. "Something I should just have forgotten about."
She paused. Ray knew better than to interrupt.
"When he…well, when we…you know…"
A slight blush rose on her cheeks and she flicked her eyes away, both coy and embarrassed.
"I can guess."
"Yeah." Jenny continued, the flush fading rapidly as the words, the evening, the pictures all began to tumble into her head. "Well, we were at the moment – the "this is really happening" moment. You know what I mean?"
Ray nodded.
"And, uh, he happened to say something…I had an absolute breakdown and threw him out." Ray's eyes narrowed instantly, scrutinising her expression. Jenny felt something in her begin to break apart again, which she'd vowed not to do in front of him. "Something in me snapped…brought back…memories."
"Memories?" Ray pressed gently, curious but concerned. "Of? Jenny, look at me. Memories of what? What did he say?"
He continued. Jenny dragged her head back up; knowing the glisten on her eyes would give her away.
"Drowning." She stated simply. "Something 'bout drowning. Honestly, I don't remember. But it was like a trigger or something."
Jenny bit down hard on her lip. Shadows slipped into her eyes, her whole expression haunted. Ray didn't press for an explanation. It was there, beneath her skin, about the push into the open. She swallowed hard and sucked in a long breath.
"My brother…Ryan. He was 7 and absolutely my hero. I worshipped him…I was such a tomboy. We lived by a river back then and we'd been sent down the shops on some errands. We were taking a shortcut back, when I tripped and fell in."
Jenny winced, as in her mind's eye she hit that freezing cold water again, as she had so many times in her dreams recently. She struggled momentarily not to let the memory draw her under – down into the icy, black water, down into herself.
"He didn't hesitate – threw himself in after me. I couldn't swim that well, so I was thrashing around."
Her fingers pressed hard into the soft flesh of her leg to maintain her hold on the here and now. Staying in the present kept at a safe distance how she struggled how she struggled against him, panicked, screaming.
"He managed to get me back to the bank…I tried to hold on to him. I tried to pull him out. I screamed blue murder but help never came."
She pulled her arms tight around herself.
"I tried to hold on…. but I couldn't." Jenny repeated helplessly. "They found his body a mile down the river."
There was another silence. Jenny kept her eyes focussed on his expression – as he absorbed her honesty – and it flickered between surprise and empathy.
"I was 4. I haven't…I should be over it, shouldn't I?" She tilted her head, blinking to rid herself of the telltale wetness in her eyes. "But just recently…it's been preying on my mind. Nightmares…pictures…you know the drill."
"Yeah." Ray responded, with a nod. "I do. And honestly, you never really get over it."
He paused, trying to strike a balance between empathetic and patronising, fearing what he was about to say could so easily come across as the latter.
"You simply find ways to get on with life."
Jenny nodded slowly, allowing the truth of the words to filter into her brain.
"You don't think I'm completely insane." Jenny enquired, instilling the words with a certain dry self-deprecation.
"No." He answered honestly. "And neither do you. What happened to Ryan wasn't your fault, Jenny." Ray stated, as bluntly as he dared. "And I think it's only natural that at a time of so much upheaval, when you're emotionally on edge anyway, that it preys on your mind."
"It's fear." She returned, equally bluntly. "I'm afraid. Afraid the life that's building around me is going to come crashing down like my world did the day Ryan died."
She paused, sucked in a breath. Her voice strained against the tourniquet she tried to put on her emotions.
"That I'm a curse. That I'm going to lose everyone I love, the way I lost him. Neela, Mina, you…Bret…"
"You are not a curse, Jenny." Ray said softly. "And you are not going to lose us. OK?"
Grey and green clashed again, and he continued.
"Neela, Mina and I are going nowhere."
Jenny smiled, a soft, you-can't-make-that-promise smile. She appreciated the sentiment, and believed him to be genuine.
"And Bret is hopeless for you…seriously, it's a whole love at first sight deal…"
Ray rolled his eyes at the very thought of his lovesick, marginally distraught roommate.
"And it's killing him that he thinks he hurt you, believe me. Trust him. Trust your instincts. You deserve to be happy."
"When did you get so wise?"
"Somewhere along the lines." Ray answered vaguely. Between the car crash and the miscarriage and Abby dying and discovering about the 5-year-old daughter he'd never known. Somewhere along the lines he'd had to grow up. "I don't know where. I certainly don't feel very wise."
"Your turn?" Jenny asked – curiosity piqued by the resigned sigh which had accompanied his last statement.
"I…I said something out of turn to Neela." He shrugged. He hadn't expected her to be quite so offended. Neela always had been so proud. "We argued."
"Ah, the first fight." Jenny allowed herself a half-smile. "Well, it had to happen."
"It was stupid." The words were frustrated, irritated. He ran a hand through his hair and cursed himself internally for it. "And she's gone to bed angry. I've got leave first thing tomorrow…I can't leave it…"
He trailed off.
"I'll talk to her."
Jenny assured firmly.
"But…" Ray protested.
"Do what you've got to do. I'll talk to her."
Jenny placed her spoon into the half-melted ice cream, wiped her hands down her pyjamas and unfolded her legs to stand.
"Now I've had enough ice-cream." She turned and walked to the doorway, hesitating momentarily, before turning back. "Thank you."
She didn't need to add any qualifying statement. He knew what for. The door closed softly, and Ray lay back.
His new life certainly wasn't short on surprises.