Chapter Summary

Will and April talk but the outcome is not how either of them plans for it to go.

April used the rest of the week to reflect on everything that had transpired. Always stopping when she thought about Connor's question, "Do you love him?" and the answer was simply; yes. Will had taken his time from the first moment they touched. She noticed he savored every feeling taking so much care even in their first kiss. None of it had been triggering or upsetting the entire embrace felt amazing better than anything she had ever felt before because they weren't just having sex they were weaving in and out of each other, intertwining, creating another world, not knowing where one person ended and the other began and none of it scared her until the moment it was over. The experience was truly consuming and she was absolutely afraid to have that feeling taken away to never experience that kind of love again, the weight of it all was absolutely terrifying; the opposite of how Parker had made her feel what he had created in her. The two worlds were parallel separated by a thin line. One was life the other death. The second time she had sex with Will she crossed that thin line. She opened that door and allowed him into their world letting her fear and doubt over her feelings for Will invade her mind her heart and mess with her rationality. To get back some kind of control she closed that door and she locked Will in it with Parker.

If she had to come to her senses about Connor whether pushed by him or not then it was time to finally come clean to Will. She knew she didn't really deserve a second chance and the timing was tacky but he needed to know, maybe it would help him heal a bit inside to know that she had made a mistake, that he was loved by her. The fact that they shoved their feelings away and never had a proper discussion about them was a lot of the reason they ended up in the place they were in now. However getting the message to him would be a challenge.

…..

When Will went home after the disastrous dinner he realized that it had been a horrible decision not to tell Natalie. Part of him didn't feel like it was relevant, he and April were in the past and he thought couples shouldn't hold past love interests or sexual partners against one another. But that was the part of him that had created the fictitious world he used so he could even be in a relationship with Natalie and run from his feelings for April. He held to that part as he realized it had kept him together these last few months. His heartbreak over April had been more cataclysmic to him than originally felt. He knew he was morally righteous in his decision to push her towards therapy but her actions and ultimately her relationship with Connor had eradicated him; leaving nothing behind but rage. It was one thing for the love of his life to be lost and for her to have to fight for him when she came to her senses but it was another altogether for her to come to her senses and still not try and fight to be with him. It hurt and it had turned his last few months into torture. He didn't know what happened between her and Connor and frankly he didn't care. The foursome's friendship was essentially over so he chose to try and mend things with Natalie and repair the ice wall April originally created by freezing her out and avoiding her completely. It was the only way he could think of to heal and actually move on this time.

He had called Natalie and left a few messages and texts telling her how sorry he was for not telling her everything and she had simply responded with, "I just need some time." So that's what he did. He gave her space and time hoping she would come around and in the meantime he would finally cut off all contact with April or at least he tried until he found himself alone in the hall with her.

April asked Will to the roof to talk. She needed a place that was calm it shouldn't have been at work but that was the only place she could get to him. Since the explosion at dinner he had stayed far away from her, ignoring her calls, texts, and even her emails. He'd requested different nurses and even rearranged his schedule so he could avoid her. But he ran into her in the hall and no one was around to hide behind or to try and chat with to get away.

"Will…we should talk," April offered softly.

He hesitatingly nodded and followed her up to the roof. When he turned to her he was stoned faced; his eyes unconcerned, and hardened. It would take all of her courage but she had to do it.

"I've been trying to get in touch with you but I think it's obvious you're avoiding me, I don't know why….I never told Connor or Natalie about us because at the time I actually thought it was the smart thing to do…I don't anymore," she looked like she was holding her breath but she was holding in the confession she had denied him so many months ago.

"Connor and I are over, it's really for the best he deserves something I can't fully give him…because it still lies with you," April said her chin quivering.

Will was still avoiding her eyes; he looked angry now, her words were tearing at the illusion he had built up over the past few months, an illusion that included Natalie his dream girl.

"Will I-," April started but he cut her off.

"-April I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Connor but I'm still with Natalie, I'm going to try and make it work, try and earn her forgiveness." He was still looking down unable and completely unwilling to look at her.

He turned walking to the door when she said.

"Please don't leave," she sobbed.

"Why?" He asked irritated that his own admission hadn't been taken seriously.

He kept walking he was inside the frame of the door when through her sobs she said.

"If you leave now... I'll assume it's because you don't want me!"

He closed his eyes still feeling the anger completely tearing at him inside.

"Then don't assume just know I don't."

April sobbed there for a moment before cleaning herself up and returning to the ED. Will requested different nurses the rest of the shift.

Will laid in bed that night thinking about what April said "he deserves something I can't fully give him…because it still lies with you". He opened his eyes but there she was in his waking mind dancing, swaying, enticing him on the dance floor with the love she snatched away. The memory was now a source of anger adding water and pushing on the boulder threatening to empty the dam of emotions. The crunch and crack of the boulder rumbled inside of him as the endless unanswered questions rolled in. Why was she doing this? Am I all that's left since Prince Charming doesn't want her? Why was I good enough to screw but not good enough to be with? To love? To wait for? To fight for?Why? Why? Why? His thoughts stole most of the sleep that should've come to him and the boulder had slipped and cracked; water was now trickling out.

The very next day they had a shift together. He continued his strategy of avoidance and had once again called upon other nurses to work with but even then he still saw her. He had just discharged a patient when he looked up and saw her. There she was standing at the main desk of the ED beautiful and heart-broken his beloved; her skin embracing the light as she tapped into the digital chart and handed it to Dr. Choi, her doe eyes rich but empty. She looked up and over at him feeling his eyes on her. He wanted to avert her gaze but he couldn't do it. He wanted so badly to stay away from her but her words threatened his sanity, his fragile certainty,his fantastic illusion.

He deserves something I can't fully give him…because it still lies with you…..because it still lies with you….you…you…you.

Over and over and over again until finally; he snapped. The water pushed the boulder out of the way and poured through him. He stalked over to her.

"I need to talk to you," Will whispered in a venomous tone.

April nodded and he practically grabbed her arm speed walking her over to a rarely used on-call room off the ED. He pushed the door shut and snapped the lock.

He spun her around and grabbed her face kissing her as deeply as he used to, but the second she returned his kiss he pulled back.

"Why did you have to push me away?" he asked his dark eyes locked with hers still incensed.

He didn't let her answer; he kissed her again but this time passionately and longer. She brought her hands around his neck finally able to return the kiss. He swiftly pulled down her scrub pants as he began to undo the drawstring on his. Will broke away pushing her arms off of him but not as far from her this time still undoing the knot on his pants.

"Why couldn't you have waited for me?" Will asked trying to catch his breath and his grip upon reality.

April's eye's pleaded her apology again; her love. He grabbed her face again planting another kiss on her just as fast and just as heavy as before but this time he pushed her toward the wall setting her atop a small desk pulling up her legs as she wrapped one and then the other around him.

"Tell me to stop. Tell me again how much you don't want me," Will hissed with a vehement urgency in his eyes.

She could feel the hard tip flirting just outside of her.

"No, I'm sor-," April whispered breathlessly.

He didn't let her finish he slammed into her; the action sliding her up a bit against the wall.

"-Why did you have to start dating Rhodes?" he growled with another forceful movement of hips.

"AH" was the only sound able to abscond from April after each powerful union of their bodies her eyes rolling into the back of her head. She came to and she looked at him their eyes meeting again his still angry.

"I hate you," Will hissed in both frustration and pleasure thrusting into her again. He let her legs drop quickly pulling her down by the waist and then flipping her over to her stomach.

April felt like rag doll. He wasted no time, she felt the thick member find her again roughly pushing inside of her, the brunt of his vexation felt through the grind of her hip-bones into the desk.

"This is what you like right? This was what I was good for right!?" he said grabbing her shoulders using it to manage each thrust.

He would ram into her deep and hard and after each rigid thrust he'd mark it with an expletive. His curses fleeing his lips trying to reconcile the treachery with the monumental pleasure he felt from being inside her. Eventually he stopped cursing as he pounded away at her faster and faster unable to escape the indulgence of his own hedonism and rage at his actions each movement ready to shatter him at any moment.

"OH GOD!….god damn," He growled pouring his pent up seed inside of her.

"Fuck," he continued catching his breath; pulling up his scrub pants.

April slowly pulled her leg through her pants and began tightening the drawstring.

Will had his hand over his mouth trying to wipe away the traces of her kiss; the fingerprints from a crime scene; he stepped back from her like she was loaded gun pointed at him. They stared at each other a moment; April still trying to convey to him her regret. Will was still breathing heavily his anger still burgeoning under his eyes as his entire body shook. Finally he walked out of the on-call room.

Will instantly made his way to the restroom barely making it through the door as all of his sentiments over the last few months surged. He screamed into his hand, his tears not a choice but an inevitability of too long trying to hold onto an imitative love and a faux reality that he just destroyed.

The toilet flushed and he turned his back away from the mirror hoping whoever it was would just walk away. Will began moving towards a stall when the familiar voice started,

"You know I've always found bathrooms to be such a strange place."

It was Dr. Charles he had turned on the faucet and began washing his hands.

"On one hand they are a place of solace to handle what we can't in public but then in this case someone walks in and bam you can no longer go number two," Dr. Charles said with a light chuckle.

He was trying to lighten Will's mood and the tiniest glimmer of hope arrived into his eyes.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Dr. Charles asked.

"I don't think I know anymore….," Will said between gasps of breath and tears,"What I want and what I need."

He was still turned around; his betrayal of Natalie had made him feel unfit to look at.

"Ah, yeah, getting what we want feels so good it's usually instant and it usually involves something we've desired for a long time like say a dessert or our favorite candy. You have one piece then another and before you know it you feel sick to your stomach." He said drying his hands.

"Eventually your body asks for the thing it needs and you must oblige so you eat your fruits and your veggies and realize that even though it didn't seem like that's what you wanted you ate it anyway and felt better right," Dr. Charles said looking to Will's back.

"What?" Will said confused with a smile turning to Dr. Charles.

He had actually managed to pull Will out of his grief for the moment.

"Always go with what you need son, just like good food it will nourish your body and some even say your soul and when in doubt your body will tell you what it needs."

Dr. Charles gave him a comforting pat and excused himself from the restroom. Will stayed a few minutes longer rinsing his face and then he reported back to the ED.