BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Old Folk
Ah old people, is there anything they can't do? We don't really know, but this week we intend to find out! We head to the World of the Living to talk to some of the oldest people there! Namely: Isshin Kurosaki (!), Kisuke Urahara (!), and Yoruichi Shihoin (!)!
To start things off we headed to the greatest shopkeeper with the lowest income known to mankind!
BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Yoohoo! Is anyone in here?
Kisuke Urahara: Say, don't I know you?
BWT: Don't ask us questions! They frighten us…
KU: Okay?
BWT: So care to share your deepest, darkest secret with all of BLEACH-kind?
KU: Not particularly.
BWT: Will you do it anyways?
KU: …Maybe…
BWT: …Oh really?
KU: …Yeah really.
BWT: …O really?
KU: … Yeah really.
BWT: … Oh really?
KU: … Yeah really.
Kaname Tosen: … Justice.
KU: Whoa, wait. What in the world was that?
BWT: We don't know and we don't really care!
KU: Agreed! So, wanna buy something?
BWT: Do you accept cookies as payment?
KU: I used to until I discovered that cookies aren't international currency.
BWT: Cookies should be international currency though.
KU: Agreed!
BWT: Great! On to the next topic!
KU: Wait I thought you were here to buy something?
BWT: Nope!
KU: …Oh really?
And so our conversation with Urahara continued until we recalled the fact that we had other people to talk to! Next we headed to the Kurosaki household! Banging loudly on the door received the attention of Karin Kurosaki!
Karin Kurosaki: Uhm, do you need something?
BWT: We need to speak with your daddy, little lady, is he home?
KK: No.
BWT: Tsk, tsk! You should never tell a stranger that your mommy and daddy aren't home! (This message brought to you by the Nation Shinigami Safety Association.)
KK: Do you want me to kick your [censor] or will you just leave now?
Luckily for us we didn't need to decide because at that exact moment who would dash to the front door but the man of the hour himself?
Isshin Kurosaki: Hey! Who are you?
BWT: We're from B—!
IK: No way!
BWT: Yeah way!
IK: That's amazing!
BWT: We know!
IK: So why are you here!
BWT: Isn't that a question?
IK: Yes, why do you ask!
BWT: Because you're still using exclamation marks!
IK: Exclamations are fun!
BWT: We agree!
IK: We! But there's only one of you!
BWT: We know!
IK: I want to talk like that too!
BWT: You mean we want to talk like that too!
IK: No! You already talk like that!
BWT: No, we meant you!
IK: What about me!
BWT: I don't know!
IK: What are we talking about!
BWT: Not a clue!
IK: Do you like cheese!
BWT: We love cheese!
IK: We love cheese too!
BWT and IK: We all love cheese!
Upon reaching this conclusion we took part in a long and joyous happy dance. Until someone had to ruin it.
Ichigo Kurosaki: What the [censor] are you guys doing?
BWT: Ichigo! Come, join us!
IsK: Yes, Son! Join us!
IcK: Freaks…
Deciding it was high time to actually find some content for this issue, we went off to search for Yoruichi.
BWT: Nunununununu Cat Lady!
Yoruichi Shihoin: What do you want?
BWT: Awww! Kitty!
As we scooped up the kitty and swung it around in a rapid-fire motion we couldn't help but feel like we shouldn't be tossing this cat around. Perhaps it was the claws digging into our tender flesh.
BWT: Bad kitty! Go to your room.
Shocking us the cat actually listened and walked off. After a few moments Yoruichi appeared! But kitty was no where to be found.
YS: And here I thought Ichigo was an idiot…
BWT: Tell us a story, Granny!
YS: …I am not your granny.
BWT: Well, you're old enough for the part.
KU: Ohhhhhhh burn!
YS: Shut up Kisuke!
BWT: So… how long have you two known each other?
KU: Oh, ages! We even knew each other in the academy!
BWT: Does that place have a name? Aside from 'The Academy' we mean.
Urahara and Yoruichi exchanged puzzled glances briefly before answering.
YS: Actually, I don't think it does.
KU: Maybe 'Soul Reaper Academy'?
BWT: Still not very original though, don'cha think?
KU and YS: Agreed.
BWT: … So what's the story behind Isshin?
KU: That's classified info, sorry.
YS: … He used to be a captain in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads (that's a mouthful).
KU: Yoruichi what are you doing?
YS: Sorry, it's just karma Kisuke.
KU: You don't dish out your own karma – that's not how it works!
YS: It works this way now.
KU: Sniffle. Isshin is going to kill me.
BWT: Why's that?
KU: Doesn't his boy read your magazine?
BWT: Uh-oh, you're right…
YS: … Do you think the world will go out in a ball of fire or just freeze over?
KU: Fire once Isshin finds out...
BWT: Ice, ice baby!
YS: Why are you so worried about him anyways, Kisuke? It's not like he could beat you one-on-one, right?
KU: …
BWT: … !
YS: …Kisuke?
KU: The truth is, I'm not really sure. We've never really fought before.
BWT: I smell a fight brewing!
YS: I agree with the stupid one—we should hold a competition!
KU: Competition, eh?
YS: Yes! One in which we will judge matches, declaring the winner to be the world's strongest fighter!
KU: Imagine the publicity!
YS: Imagine the money we could make!
KU: This is why I love you!
YS: What?
KU: Nothing!
BWT: Candy!
IsK: Urahara! You told him!
KU: Told who what?
IK: My son that I was a Soul Reaper!
KU: Oh right! Sorry, that was so five minutes ago I'd forgotten.
YS: Come on Isshin, was it really that big of a deal?
IK: Well… I guess not.
YS: Great! So let's just forget all about this mess and construct a massive tournament in a style barely avoiding copyright from 'giant-reptile sphere'!
BWT: Don't you mean—?
YS: Do you want to get sued?
BWT: No, ma'am! We're sorry!
YS: Good, now come on guys! Let's go set up a 'Strongest Under the Heavens Tournament'!
BWT: Isn't that copyright?
YS: [Censor]
KU: …
IK: …
Thus ended another confusing chapter of this confusing magazine. Stay tuned for the specials throughout the week, including but not limited to:
Hallow-een!
Copyright Infringement!
And
Yachiru Attacks!
From all of us to you, this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid wishing those voices in your head the best!