Cas's Logical Suggestion, Ending A

By CastielLovesDean

Warning: Mpreg! Yay!

A prank war ensued after Gabriel stuck the 'kick me' sign on Dean's back. For obvious reasons, Dean was at a bit of a disadvantage. I mean, come on: a thirty-something mortal against an Archangel who had spent the better part of his ten thousand years on Earth pranking people in the most original and deadly ways? No contest. Plus, said Archangel didn't play fair – while Dean was limited to traditional human methods, Gabriel could alter the very fabric of reality, and was not averse to doing so just to fuck with Dean.

But the most significant problem? Gabriel didn't quite know where to draw the line. While it pissed Dean off to no end constantly having to repaint his hot pink Chevy Impala, and he'd shocked himself a couple times reprogramming the horn to honk instead of play It's Raining Men, those were fairly minor infractions in the grand scheme of things. He'd only wasted a total of about 36 hours repeatedly restoring his car to the way it was, and there was no actual damage to the car (unlike the time all the air was let out of the tires), so he could handle it. No, the line was egregiously crossed in another way, and Dean didn't find out until it was too late.

Dean and Cas had just spent all night... salting and burning, if you will... and Dean had worked up quite the appetite. Salting and burning will do that. Anyway, his stomach was threatening to climb out of his mouth and strangle him with his own intestines (he'd seen weirder) if he didn't feed it soon, and 'swallowing'... let's say 'salt'... wasn't good enough. So he'd gone upstairs to raid the fridge for sustenance, pulling out the mind-numbingly delicious peach cobbler Marcy Ward had made for Bobby (she'd given him a second chance after the Okami incident) and a bottle of his favorite beer. He pried off the cap and put the bottle to his mouth, but his lips never made contact with the cool brown glass. He did not whine pathetically (he did, but don't tell him I told you) as he looked around in confusion. Castiel was standing in front of him, head cocked in that precious way only he was capable of, holding Dean's open bottle of beer. "What the Hell, Cas? Give me back my beer."

"You should not drink this."

"Look, one beer in the morning doesn't make me an alcoholic, okay? Give it back."

"That is not my concern."

"Then what gives?"

Castiel frowned. "This was not your intent?"

Dean clenched his fists in frustration. "What wasn't my intent?" Cas didn't answer. Instead, he got extremely shifty-eyed and disappeared with his beer. Dean grunted, confused, hungry, and thirsty, and got another beer out of the fridge. That one, too, disappeared before he could drink it, and when he went to get yet another one from the fridge, the rest of the pack was missing. "What a dick!" he shouted into the air, hoping Cas would get the point and return his beer. He was less than surprised when that didn't happen. Dean ended up settling for a cup of decaf, forgetting all about the beer as he dug into the cobbler. He was only a couple bites into the cobbler when he heard a commotion upstairs and Cas popped back in, Gabriel in tow.

Castiel looked positively livid. Used to his angelic lover's face being blank, sad, or (recently) of the "Oh..." variety, seeing him like this was a new, somewhat intimidating experience... and a little bit of a turn on. Until he saw Gabriel, that is. Gabriel was wincing with Castiel's hand painfully gripping his left ear, desperately clinging to a golden bed-sheet to cover up his private areas. "You tell him what you did!" Cas commanded, making the house shake and the lights flicker.

"Fine!" Gabriel gave in easily. "Just let go of my ear!" Once his ear was free, he rubbed it soothingly and wrapped his sheet around himself like a toga. Finally, he looked Dean up and down. "Hey!" he oohed brightly, "it worked!"

"What worked?" Dean demanded in a panic, wondering what awful thing Gabe had done to him. Boobs? No. Though that might have been fun for, like, a day. Dick? Check. Balls? Check. Embarrassing tattoo? No. As far as he could tell, his hair and clothes were normal. He looked back at Cas and Gabe, who still looked respectively pissed and delighted, and a delighted Gabe was never a good sign. "What the Hell did you do to me?"

"Nothing anyone would notice," Gabe answered defensively. "Just a slight tweak to your internal anatomy." Cas grabbed his ear again and twisted it, causing Gabe to add, "But I really thought Cas would notice before anything came of it!"

"Came of what?" Sam asked, walking into the room with his shirt improperly buttoned.

Cas scowled further at Gabe but released his ear, then gave Dean an unsure look. "You're with child."

Sam's jaw dropped, but he remained silent.

Dean blinked. "Come again?"

"It's not that big a deal when you think about it," Gabe insisted.

"Not that big a deal?" Dean repeated. "Not that big a deal? I'm a Hunter! It's far too dangerous of a lifestyle for pregnant women... people," he corrected himself. "I'm gonna be sidelined for the next nine months!"

"Actually, Dean, it's more like ten months."

"Well, thank you, Dr. Sexy!" Dean yelled at Sam, effectively shutting up the taller man.

"You'd better control that anger, Dean," Gabe warned. "High blood pressure's not good for the baby."

Dean flushed with anger, but before he could throttle the irritating Archangel, Cas did it for him. "Gabriel, I swear to Dad, if you lay another finger on Dean, Sam's going to lose another loved one to a fire."

"Whoa!" Sam protested. "Dean's fine! Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?"

Cas glared daggers at Sam and announced, "I'll be back soon. I trust you'll stop your boyfriend from further defiling your brother while I'm gone?"

"I think 'defile' is a bit strong of a word, but yeah, nothing'll happen. Scout's honor."

"It had better not," Cas threatened, then disappeared in a huff.

Sam, Dean, and Gabriel all stood in uncomfortable silence, contemplating the excessive ferocity of Cas's new-found protective side. Finally, Gabe spoke up, "So, Dean, isn't it difficult to fuck him with that stick up his ass?"

"Gabe!" Sam admonished.

"You made me pregnant! How the Hell do you expect him to react?"

"Unh-uh! I made you able to get pregnant. It's Cas's little swimmers that finished the job."

"That's not the point! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this situation at all! I'm not ready for a baby!"

"Oh, come on! In order for Cas to knock you up, he'd have to be on top – something I figured a control freak like you wouldn't let happen!"

"Hey! I'm not selfish enough to call 'topsies' forever!"

Sam snickered childishly. "Topsies?"

"Shut up, Sam!"

"You know, Dean, I think you're being a little harsh on Gabe."

"Man, are you serious? How would you like it if he tricked you into getting pregnant? Actually, you should probably ask Cas to make sure he didn't, since he clearly has no concept of personal boundaries."

"Gabriel is not going to surprise me with a pregnancy," Sam swore with a confidence that belied the questioning look he exchanged with Gabe.

"I didn't!" Gabe yelled. "Look, if it's that big of a problem, I can put you back the way you were."

Dean's hand wandered protectively to his abdomen of its own accord. "What the Hell does that mean? Now you're threatening to kill my kid?"

"No!" Gabe insisted, stopping that line of thought. "Well, maybe, depending on how you look at it. It'll be as if this never happened."

"If you do anything to my baby, Cas won't get the chance to make good on his threat 'cause I'll kill you myself."

"Guys, guys, come on!" Sam pleaded, playing the mediator. "No one's killing anyone, okay? Dean, Gabe wasn't threatening anything, he was just letting you know your options."

"Exactly!" Gabe agreed with Sam, crossing his arms smugly.

"And Gabe... honey, I love you, but don't be an idiot. You know perfectly well Dean would never agree to that."

Dean was still fuming when Cas popped back in, directly between Dean and Gabe, and handed Dean a small yellow gift bag. "What's this?"

"I thought this might make you feel better about the situation," Cas explained nervously. "I know it's far too early for us to be having a child together, but I was really hoping we could focus on the miracle involved rather than the fact that Gabriel's an ass-butt."

Dean frowned, the hilarity of Castiel's socially inept insult lost to the memories it brought forth. Like Dean tended to do with all his emotions, he squashed those memories down and stuck his hand in the gift bag, pulling out the contents of the bag. He glanced at Cas, then unfolded the garment: it was a tiny pink onesie that said "Lil Angel" with a halo over "Angel" and wings on the back. "Aww," Dean cooed. "But what if it's a boy?"

Cas glanced at Dean's abdomen, then looked him in the face again. "She's not a boy."

Dean's lip quivered emotionally. "It's a girl?" he asked in a higher-pitched voice than he'd intended. While it truly wouldn't have mattered if it was a boy, a girl, or something else entirely, he'd decided when he was ten years old what he'd name his daughter if he ever had one. He stared at the onesie (his daughter's onesie) for a few more seconds before being overcome by self-consciousness; he hadn't noticed the incredulous look Sam had been giving him. He quickly shoved the onesie in his pocket, cleared his throat, and said casually in a deep voice, "That's cool."

"Ha!" Gabriel laughed and pointed at Dean. "You're liking this! I did a good thing! I'm off the hook!"

"No, you're not!" Dean growled. He grabbed Castiel's hand and stormed out of the kitchen with him. He stopped suddenly in the living room, spinning around to face Cas. "Cas?" he asked, inches from his face.

"Dean."

"Do you think I'm ready for this? I mean, I don't have a home, I have no idea how to install a car seat... I don't have a vagina! How the Hell am I gonna get it out of me?"

"Dean," Cas calmed him, "you're an intelligent, talented man. You can handle anything God throws at you. Besides, you may recall that I'm an Angel of the Lord; I can handle the delivery."

Dean supposed he had a good point. He couldn't explain the sudden uncharacteristic surge of panic, but just as suddenly, it was gone. He'd lived through the Apocalypse – he could handle a baby. Besides, he'd practically raised Sam, and he turned out alright.

Ish.

To Be Continued in Cas's Logical Sequel! The prologue is already posted, but it's very short. I just wanted to get it up quickly so those of you who want to can subscribe to a story alert (those of you that don't have me on author alert, for some reason.)

A/N: No part of this was meant to be a political statement about abortion. The opinions expressed by the characters do not necessarily represent my own.