What do we mean to each other?

Chap 10: Life's ironies

10 February 2019

"You're intoxicated Tezuka." Fuji added, but he knew that Tezuka is well equipped with his senses. He wanted to go out and think.

Tezuka removed the headphone and placed them on his shoulder. He returned to his seat. He didn't know how to answer Fuji's remarks. "Intoxicated? You know I am not," he responded directly staring at his eyes. Maybe I'm intoxicated by this feeling that did not exist before.

"I am with Shiraishi now." Our relationship has taken a step further. He cannot allow these words out in the open.

Just the mention of Shiraishi took Tezuka by surprise. It also brought an unknown pain. He tried to answer as calm as possible. "Shiraishi?"

Fuji lips twitched a bit. "You seemed interested?"

"I do not need to remind you."

"And so in the end, this is between a captain and his junior?" This hurts him but he clearly understood Tezuka's point. Even personal relationship is not something that can be hidden.

"You have always been that way. I know what your intentions are. But, I find it difficult to answer." Fuji answered in a casual voice.

"Why?" He wanted to barrage him with a lot of questions, but in the end, he managed to use just one word.

Fuji remained silent, but his eyes never left Tezuka. He watched his every reaction. Without answering the question, he said in a calm voice, "I want... no, it's more than wanting... I need answers. The kiss?" Why did you kiss me? Is this just a game for you? Do you think you can do anything you want and toy with my feelings? Does that kiss even mean something to you?

Tezuka remained silent but his eyes locked with Fuji's. "I don't really understand myself. My body just moved on its own."

"Just like this." Soon as the words left his mouth, his lips touched Tezuka. His kiss was not gentle, but it was warm. It is like a lover longing for his other half. A burning sensation rose from within Fuji's chest. For his part, Tezuka moved his lips and open his mouth unconsciously. The two intertwined into a sweet, passionate kiss. Unable to contain his feelings, tears slowly rolled and this is where Fuji broke the kiss.

Tezuka began to feel slight pain in his head. "You kiss me, and then you cry. These tears, for whom are you shedding it?"

Fuji let out a smile. "For whom indeed?"

For Fuji to be vague added to Tezuka's confusion. "What are you doing to me? What is it that you desire? You told me you love me, but you go out with another person. You kiss me, but cry afterwards. Stop being vague." A swirling of emotions began to envelope him. He's angry. He's hurt. He is a rational person, and thus, he wanted to understand these feelings.

Fuji averted his gaze. "Why are we even having this conversation?" You flatly rejected me, why being pushy now when everything's too late.

"When you confessed, my world view was shaken. I was very confused. You are a dear teammate, a friend."

"And you are to me, but I have looked at you more than a teammate, more than my captain, more than a friend. I know that confessing is like walking on thin ice. Still, I can't help but have faith that somehow, this feeling might reach you." Fuji tries his best to sound normal.

"If that's the case, why didn't you wait?" he finally managed to ask. "I have to sort these feelings. When you kissed me at that time, I was at a lost. It felt familiar but strange at the same time." Liking you never even crossed my mind at that time. And with the blink of an eye, you are with another man. Do you treat your feelings lightly?

"Is it because I am a man?" The last word was spoken in a lowered tone, as if expecting that he'll be immediately rejected.

"That is foolish." He was surprised at his own answer.

"Really? If you at least told me of this uncertainty, I wouldn't have assumed that you rejected me totally," Fuji exhaled. Did he really think that he has a chance? If he did, why did he let himself be with another man? He looked at him, but images of Shiraishi flashed back, as if taunting him, reminding him of his own weakness. This is my entire fault. I have rushed things, with you, with him. In the end, it was I who was half-hearted. I don't deserve you. With these final thoughts, Fuji got his resolve. "Whatever is it that you feel now, I am not worthy of it. I have… slept with another man earlier this night. I went to his house after we met at the café." I was hurt. I wanted something, no… someone to ease my pain. Truth hurts, but the truth is what they need right now.

Tezuka froze and felt mad towards himself. Not just going out but going all the way. How could this happen? He looked at Fuji and his gaze was returned. The atmosphere suddenly became awkward. He felt his body shivers. To hide his feelings, he finally answered, "So it's like this. I see. I said I have to ascertain my feelings, but I don't see the need to do it anymore. Your so-called feelings are very shallow."

Fuji remained silent.

"I'll only ask for one thing. Would you continue being the team's pillar of support?" He deliberately chose these words. Could they still be friends? He wondered. Tezuka's expression is serious, but didn't show any sign of hesitation. At least, that was what he hoped, but is this what he wishes?

Seeing his expression, Fuji clearly got the message. "Sure." Fuji smiled his usual smile, but a sort of coldness was evident. This time, it didn't escape Tezuka's notice and for an unknown reason, his chest began to hurt.

His smile, hasn't it always been warm?

"I think there is no point continuing this conversation. I'll go home now. Thanks for these clothes. I'll return these tomorrow. I'll go collect my uniform. Fuji gets up and walks towards the door.

"I thought you called your mom to tell her that you'll be staying here?" Tezuka called out.

"Circumstances have taken a different turn." He answered while picking up the piece of clothing from where he left them.

"It's late. You can sleep at the other room."

"Hasn't it always been your room? But I guess it's silly for me to think that way." Fuji walked towards Tezuka carrying his bag. "This won't do Tezuka." Please stop being nice. "Don't worry. I can walk my way through. He reached for the door and walk towards the living room. Tezuka followed him until they reached the front door.

Fuji took a swift look at the patio where the empty cans lay on top of the table. "I apologized, seems like I won't be able to help you clean the mess this time. I know this sounds stupid, but, before I go, could you give your friend a parting gift." He waited a little, expected a little more.

Tezuka nodded. Fuji went towards Tezuka and enveloped him in his arms. Tezuka slowly placed his around him. They stayed like this for a while and feel each other's warmth. Finally Fuji blurted out. "Kindly indulged this person for a while." This is my goodbye Tezuka. I will continue to be your pillar of support, but our friendship ends here.

They stayed hugging each other for a while. No words were exchanged. Fuji let Tezuka go. He gave another smile and turned his back. "No need to walk me towards the gate. I'll close it from the outside. Good night Tezuka." Those two words have a strange ring to it because what he really wants to say are words of farewell, but he lost the courage to say it.

"See you during practice. Do not be late," Tezuka called out.

Fuji raised his hand without looking at him. "All right. I'll be going now."

"Call me when you got home."

Seeing Fuji walks away gave him sadness. He could still feel Fuji's warmth. He'd like to call out to him. Tell him that everything is all right and that he thinks just maybe, he could be able to forgive him. That they just need more time. But no words came from his lips. Amidst the swirling of emotions, one emotion stood out. Pain. His legs began to tremble. The night had turned out for the worst.#

A/N: I'd love to hear your thoughts.