Making Up is Hard to Do
Chapter 10
How long this time? Am I alive? It seemed to be forever before Tom's lungs sucked in air. He awoke in a tight fetal position shivering and exposed. Slowly awakening he recognized his sink. There was no evidence of broken glass or fire. The globe smoldered, its light terminated. The vestiges of incense floated away.
Tom rolled over onto his back and looked up into blackness. He felt greasy and his hair was matted. Something reeked and it was obviously him. His pain was finally discharged but so were the contents of his bowels, bladder, and stomach. Bodily fluids and waste had spewed everywhere and he apparently had rolled around in it. Humiliated and soiled, he staggered upright. Blood trickled from his nose and ears. What a mess!
Struggling to stay upright, he hoarsely muttered, "Computer, 30% illumination." The lights came on. His eyes adjusted and he gazed into the mirror. His body mass was back to where it had been months ago. He looked younger but was disgustingly filthy and desperately needed a shower. Still, he felt invigorated.
"Computer, time now?"
"It is 0225 hours."
Another six hours gone and it's Gamma shift. B'Elanna is asleep. He blinked and his image blinked back. He rubbed and pinched his nasty body. It was there; he was alive!
Tom finally had the answers he had been looking for. They explained so much about his life and himself. He understood why he was like he was. And he recognized what he must do to make things right. No more living in the past but only for the present and the future.
And he would also live for one very extraordinary person, B'Elanna Torres, his wife.
/
Lieutenant Tom Paris stood in front of Commander Chakotay's room on the senior officer deck. He wore a new meticulously clean uniform and highly shined shoes. He had showered, shaved, brushed his teeth and combed his hair, all after scrubbing his bathroom until it bested Starfleet Academy standards.
He rang the door chime over and over. No answer. He then started pounding until the door opened.
A very sleepy Commander Chakotay appeared in a bathrobe and shower shoes. "Tom, it is 0355. What are you doing here?" He knew why. Tom's coming to him was no surprise after the ritual. "Never mind. Come in."
"Yes, Sir. Thank you for seeing me, Sir."
Sir? What the hell? "Sit down, Tom."
Tom sat upright at attention and stared the commander straight in the eye.
Chakotay looked at Paris. His weight was back and his eyes twinkled. He was Tom once again, not the gaunt skeleton that he had become but the Starfleet officer and skilled pilot he remembered.
"Sir, I know it is late or early…or something. Crap. Anyway, I need to ask you for three things that are very important. It can't wait. Right now, please, Sir."
Chakotay looked at Tom. There was something just a bit different about him. Still Tom but a little more serious. The military called it bearing. Tom now had it in spades.
"Sure, Lieutenant. What are they?"
"Sir, I need permission to take the Delta Flyer II out for a short cruise later this morning, say four or five hours or maybe six. I don't know. I know the warp core is out of it for maintenance but I only need impulse power. I won't be going far and will remain in sight and within comms at all times."
"Why?" Chakotay had a good idea.
"Sir, it's very personal. I have to take her out. Please trust me."
The commander looked at him. Tom was no longer a pilot but was pleading to have his status reinstated.
"Okay, file a flight plan. What else?"
"I need a three month advance on my credits."
Voyager's second-in-command smirked. "Are you throwing a 'got well' party at Sandrine's?" Would not surprise me in the least.
Tom laughed so hard he almost urinated. Chakotay broke into a sleepy grin and laughed also. Then he yawned.
"No, Sir! I need them for something exceptional. Something for…someone very special."
Chakotay knew who Tom was talking about but not why. But he would not pry. "Okay, you can draw them now. I just authorized it on my PADD. You said there was one more thing?"
"Yes, Sir. I want…need Lieutenant Torres. Can you release her from duty today but don't tell her yet?" Tom's voice was edgy.
That's no surprise. "No problem." He already had that base covered, just in case. "Can I go back to bed now?"
"Yes, Sir. Thanks. This means a lot to me. To us. Not you and me, Sir. B'Elanna and I. Good night, Sir, umm, morning."
He left. Chakotay watched Tom move down the corridor with a purpose.
/
It was 0415 and Tom Paris was alone in the science lab geology department. He transferred credits into the replicator. "Computer, produce Holographic engagement ring mount Paris-Torres pattern Beta Four and increase size one hundred times." A floating image appeared of a woman's engagement band composed of a white gold ring and a yellow one fused and intertwined to form a single circle.
"Now add a brilliant cut Talaxian fire diamond, double the carat weight, and mount in the center." A flawless two carat cut stone with a natural reddish glow was inserted into its mount.
"Add two cerulean blue and two brown precious stones, diamond cut, surrounding the center diamond and alternate colors." Four small stones appeared, two each that matched Tom and B'Elanna's eye color. They encircled the center stone.
Tom looked the ring over as it rotated. Perfect. "Computer, size to left ring finger of Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres and replicate to original size. Polish when finished." The replicator chugged away and ten minutes later it was done. Tom lovingly held it up with a gloved hand. It sparkled like fire as it caught the light.
One more thing. He placed the ring in the laser engraver. "Computer, engrave sentiment dedication pattern Paris-Torres Five inside the ring band using standard script." The laser engraved 'Eternally yours. TEP-BT.'
Placing the ring in a small pouch, a confident and erect Tom Paris headed out the door and back to his room to change into a flight suit.
/
It was now 0720 and the mess hall was crowded with the oncoming Alpha shift personnel for yet another Neelix gourmet breakfast. B'Elanna Torres was a bundle of nerves as she sat at a table with Harry Kim. She played with her food. What a dream I had last night. It was so real.
"B'Elanna, you haven't eaten anything." Harry looked concerned.
The chief engineer bit her lower lip. Her right foot twitched over crossed legs. "Hey Starfleet, when do you think he will show up? He will show up, right? I mean Freddy was absolutely certain."
Harry shrugged his shoulders and spooned into a pile of something pink and runny. "It's been what, eighteen hours or so? She said it could take up to twenty-four. Who knows anything about rituals? You're the one who meditates. More coffee, Maquis?"
B'Elanna nodded. Kim got up with the mugs. What would she do when she saw Tom? What would he say? What would he ask her to do? All of these things had swirled around in her head for hours along with the image of a naked Tom that made her blood sing.
The turbolift door opened and B'Elanna's heart skipped a beat. Just three ensigns; no Tom. Harry returned with the coffee. "So what's next?"
Now B'Elanna shrugged as she sipped. "I have to be in engineering in forty minutes. And there is the initial Board hearing today about Murphy. The doctor said he was suffering from some kind of brain tumor that had affected his judgment and maybe caused him to pounce on me."
Harry grinned. "He's also suffering from you having beaten the hell out of him! If he had attacked Libby like that I would have killed him. I guess you showed some self-control."
She nodded. "Maybe. It was horrible. But he now has a psychological restraining device imbedded in him. If he comes too close to me again he gets shocked ten times worse than two dozen Klingon pain sticks and an audible alarm goes off."
Harry shuddered. Better him than me.
B'Elanna finished her coffee and heard the turbolift door open once more. Somehow she knew it was Tom. At least she thought it was him.
Torres stared in disbelief. Lieutenant Tom Paris emerged impeccably dressed in a special flight suit he had recently replicated. He had somehow filled out once again into the muscular body she loved to caress. He stood erect and looked in every way a professional Starfleet officer. His 6'1" height exuded a command presence Torres had never seen before.
This was Tom Paris the admiral's son who had been raised to command. In his left hand was a bulging flight bag. In his right were a dozen Tarktanian red roses.
He spotted his lover immediately and his blue eyes fastened to her brown pools. He moved quickly across the room in his normal catlike glide while never breaking eye contact.
B'Elanna's heart beat faster, her two stomachs flipped, and she became very warm in interesting places. She growled. Harry knew enough to get out of the way, which he immediately did as he knocked over his chair. The entire mess hall gathering stopped and could not look away. Even Neelix seemed stupefied.
Tom approached the table. "B'Elanna, these roses are for you. I wish I could fill our quarters with them but that can wait." He smiled that Paris smile. "Come with me, please." He held out his now empty right hand and his face broke into a wide grin. "It's okay. It's me. Your Tommy."
B'Elanna was stunned. The helmboy swagger was back but packaged a bit differently. Determined as ever with more self-confidence, if that is even possible. She took his hand firmly and he led her to the turbolift. She carried her roses in her right arm and felt so warm.
Then he paused. "No, Bea, please don't walk behind me. Only beside me. Okay?"
"Sure Tom. I normally do." She smiled. "Where are we going?" Freddy had not prohibited her from asking questions.
"Docking Bay One. We are taking the Flyer out for a short flight. I have clearance. Also, you are off-duty for twenty-four hours as of 0800. You are my flight engineer."
/
Paris and Torres entered the Flyer and Tom handed her the flight bag. "B'Elanna, your flight suit is in here. Can you change into it while I go through the pre-flight checks?"
"Sure. Umm, Tom, why are we taking it?" She was puzzled.
Tom grinned and then became serious. "Because we built it, B'Elanna. You designed it, I made some modifications, and Harry and Seven helped. But this is our ship, yours and mine. Us. Together."
B'Elanna was stunned. Our ship! Of course it is.
He continued talking while undertaking the pre-flight checks. "I know you say I talk too much. Sorry." He smiled again. He was so happy. B'Elanna could not help but to smile back with that look that drove him nuts.
Tom was gushing. "I spend a lot of time in here alone. But every time I come aboard I think of you. The engines are your engines and they give me great comfort knowing that you designed and maintain them. I feel so safe because of that. When they are running it is as if I hear your voice and feel your presence." He thinks of me when he is in here? He never told me that before.
"Also, we need to be alone. To talk. No disturbances. No Leola root." They laughed.
B'Elanna had stripped down to her underwear, a red bra and matching panties that Tom had given her for her last birthday. He turned in his seat and looked at her with an intense longing. She loved it. "God, you are so beautiful, B'Ella."
As hard as it was for a Klingon, she blushed. "Thanks." She wanted to melt. Is this a dream? She finished dressing in an identical flight suit to Tom's and sat down at the engineering console in the back.
"B'Ella. Don't sit there. Come up here into the auxiliary pilot seat next to me, please?" He patted the cushion. She moved forward and sat next to him.
"Systems are online. Delta Flyer cleared to leave Voyager." They departed.
/
Ensign Aubrey turned to Captain Janeway. "Captain, apparently Lieutenant Paris has taken Lieutenant Torres to a place where they can be alone without interruption."
"Now what?"
"We wait, Ma'am. If he did the ritual correctly you should have two officers whole again once they have settled things. If not, something very bad will happen. You might prepare for an emergency beam out just in case, if they are in range."
Janeway gave the order to the transport chief to maintain a lock on Paris and Torres. If need be, Voyager was prepared to move.
/
Tom took the Flyer ten kilometers off of Voyager's starboard side, far enough away for his purpose but still close enough to be seen. He checked comms and received a clear reply from Chakotay. He then shut the engines down and turned to face a very anxious chief engineer.
"Bea, I suppose you want to know what I went though. I can't really explain it. It was as if I could see every part of my life like a PADD recording. There was a lot of bad stuff and pain but plenty of good things also, especially about you and Voyager. So this may take a while."
B'Elanna smirked. "It's not like I am going anywhere, Tom. I think you saw to that."
They laughed again. Tom felt so free. B'Elanna was so gorgeous. He wanted to kiss her forever.
"Okay. Where to begin?" He scratched his head and took a deep breath. "I feel great. I know now what has been bothering me for so long. I have affected us so much in a bad way and I want to apologize. I can be so juvenile about things but that is over now."
B'Elanna stared. Wow.
"The ritual, actually me, asked me to answer two questions about myself. I did it. But before I get to that you have asked me in the past about myself and I have always avoided telling you the hurtful things."
"Tom, you…." She was about to say he did not have to do it. That was what she always said. Not this time. She finished the sentence. "…can tell me anything. I am here for you. Always."
Tom was overcome. "I know you are and will. And you've been there for a long time now. And I appreciate it. More than ever. You are my rock, B'Elanna. My rock. My…lifeline. You saved me from me. You brought me back."
She was stunned. Oh my God! Suddenly she was vibrating. She had not realized until just now how deeply he loved her. Brought him back? It did happen! I was there!
"Okay, here goes." Tom poured it all out. His problems with his father, his mother's love, his rebellious nature, his immaturity and cocky attitude, Caldik Prime and loss of commission, his New Zealand prison experiences in detail, how B'Elanna Torres and Voyager had saved his life and gave him purpose, and how he enjoyed his hobbies but no longer at her expense. He talked of lost love and former lovers, his friends and enemies aboard ship and of course what she meant to him.
Out came his hopes, fears, and dreams. Everything. He laughed, he cried, and he emptied decades of built up pain and became whole again. And all through it B'Elanna Torres sat patiently as she grasped his right hand and stroked it with her thumb. He finished nearly two hours later.
"That's it; the life of Tom Paris in a nutshell."
B'Elanna was in awe. Gone was the Tom who hid so much. He had talked to her openly not only about himself but what he liked about them as a couple and what he thought they needed to work on. She was shocked by his deep respect for her as an equal. He admired her intellect and courage and sought to emulate her work ethic, creativity, professionalism, and drive to excel. He was so proud of her. She could not believe it at first but soon realized he meant every word.
She now understood Tom Paris better than she ever had. And she still loved him. When he told her about wanting to date her during plebe year and that he had fallen for her way back then, she cried. She remembered those pizza dates with delight. She often wondered as a cadet what it would have been like to get to know him better. It was one of the highlights of her time at Starfleet Academy. She was ashamed that she had never responded to months of his letters or comms after she had left. She was sorry that she later called him a pig.
Tom should be tired but he was running on adrenaline. Now he would really lay it out.
"B'Ella, I answered my questions."
"Yes, Tom?" She was so nervous.
"Here goes. The first was 'What am I?' That one took a bit but I figured it out."
"I am an adult, B'Elanna. A human male adult with all of my limited successes and plenty of failings. I am not a little boy or a rebellious teen or someone who did not live up to my father's wishes or those of past girlfriends. I am Thomas Eugene Paris, a thirty-year-old adult and soon to be thirty-one. And an adult does not run away from trouble or problems, personal or professional. An adult faces difficulties and does everything possible to resolve them. An adult is open with the person they love. No secrets. No hiding. No running. And that is what I am going to do from now on. Face it. Face US like an adult. Does that make sense?"
B'Elanna nodded. "Yes, Tom. It does." Oh my God. Where was this ritual years ago?
"Okay, so the second question was 'Who am I?' I think this question is the most important although the other one gets at our relationship issues. Correction, it hopefully ends our relationship issues."
He laughed. She did likewise, brushed her hair back from her face, and placed her hands in her lap.
He was staring into her beautiful brown eyes. "So I am who I am because of two very essential parts. And when I say these two things keep in mind that one is not more important than the other. They are intertwined." He meshed the fingers of both hands into one fist. "Each gives the other strength. I cannot separate one from the other. It would kill me."
She was impressed. Never had she imagined the depth of feelings within Tom. He was always joking and almost never serious except with her and even then. But he was very serious now.
"So here is who I am." He took a deep breath. She waited.
"I am Lieutenant Junior Grade Thomas Eugene Paris. I am a Starfleet officer. I am the highly skilled chief pilot of the Starship Voyager and a lot of people trust me with their lives. I am the proud son of Admiral Owen and Julia Paris. I am the loving younger brother of Kathleen and Moira and an uncle to nieces and nephews I know and others I still have not met. I am the continuation of a line of exceptional Starfleet officers. And I will never do anything anymore to soil the Paris name and I will always make my family proud of me. I plan to remain in Starfleet as long as they will have me or life's decisions change those plans."
An astounded and loving woman sat silently in front of him. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She discerned his strength of character all along. He just would never admit it to himself or her. I should say something.
"Tom, I…."
Then he smiled so broadly that it left her panting. "B'Elanna, wait."
"Tom?" She tried to smile but she was very tense. Her hands were moist and her skin felt so warm.
"I said there were two things. To me this next one is the most significant among the two equals and it will always be that way to me."
The chief engineer presumed what he was about to say. But she needed so much to hear him say it. Oh, God, please, please, please.
"B'Elanna, I am not just a legacy Starfleet officer. He paused and got a bit emotional. I am…the future husband of B'Elanna Torres."
She gasped anyway. A wave of excitement flooded over her. Oh, Tom! Finally!
Tom looked at her with tears and love in his eyes as he took both of her hands in his. "And as far as I am concerned that future begins now. And I mean right now. I can't live without you. I do not want to live without you. You are everything to me, B'Ella. You are so intriguing. So intelligent. So beautiful. You are my life, my blood, my present, and my future. I want to have children with you. Lots of human-Klingon children. Sure we will have disagreements and I would be lying if I told you we wouldn't. But we will work them out. I will stay with you all the days of my life and I wish you would do the same for me."
He carefully extracted the engagement ring out of the protective sack in his pocket and held it up to her. Dropping to both knees he looked straight into her eyes with unending love. "B'Elanna Torres, will you marry me? Or do I have to beg? Could become embarrassing."
A man exposes himself like no other time in his life when he asks a woman to marry him. He is so vulnerable and she is in control. Say 'yes' and life together begins with all that can mean. Say 'no' and everything is over.
B'Elanna's mind raced. Think B'Elanna you scared Klingon warrior. She had wanted him to ask her for so long. But old doubts crept in. How could he love me with my ridges? And my mostly-controlled temper? Why hasn't he asked me before? If I take too long to answer will he withdraw the question?
And then she saw his smiling face and his eyes so full of hope and love for her. In an instant all of her fear washed away. She knew. He was her mate for life. She was all in.
"Yes, Tom, I will marry you! I love you so much."
She thrust out her left hand palm down and was astonished by just how steady she was. His eyebrows rose as he recognized the motion from the ritual. He slipped the perfectly-sized ring onto her finger. "You just made me the happiest man in the universe! I will never let you down, Bea, never."
"I know, Tom. Neither will I." They kissed passionately. They came up for air minutes later and locked eyes. Her hands were around his neck and his encircled her waist. She giggled.
Then she looked at her engagement ring, the symbol of his present and future love that she had longed for. The large diamond was brilliant, beautiful, and fiery like her. But the smaller gems caught her immediate attention. "They're our eyes! Oh, Tom, it is beautiful!"
Tom was ecstatic. "So are you. A stone of fiery beauty for a fiery and beautiful woman. Two blue and two brown stones for our eyes and also a boy and a girl. Maybe more. Lots more gems where those came from."
She blushed. "Maybe not, Tom. Klingon and human sexual differences won't make it easy for me to conceive you know."
He smirked. "Hey, we have a great family doctor. And it will be fun trying until we get it right."
"You got that right helmboy!" They kissed again deeply until B'Elanna pushed back just a bit.
Then a feeling came over her. There was something she was compelled to do.
"Tom?"
"Humm?" He was contemplating their future together.
"I need to say a few things also. Please sit down." He sat next to her and held her hand.
And now she found herself pouring out her soul as well. Her father's abandonment, her mother's strict code of honor, growing up Klingon on Kessik IV, being used in high school, Max Burke, her pent up anger and shame after leaving the Academy, why she joined the Maquis, a crush on Chakotay, her views on her relationship with Tom, being an engineer on Voyager, her love for him and how she knew it. The Vidiian prison and her discovery of the real Tom Paris and how she felt the pull towards him then. Longing glances on the Holodeck and just about everywhere else. Knew it was only him on Sakari IV. Their brief conversation later on the turbolift when she really knew. The Klingon romance novel discussion. Her declaration of love in EV space suits. Their first real electrifying kiss interrupted and then making love for the first time later. Having that Cardassian hologram doctor remove the alien life form against her will but not understanding until later how hard Tom fought to save her life. Then came Steth, the petaQ who had seduced her while in Tom's body. Her shame for not knowing it was not her Tom. ALICE and her fear of never seeing him again. How that nearly destroyed her. Her self-mutilation and depression over the death of the Maquis. How Tom broke dates that she so longed for. And knowing that their relationship was in stasis and she wanted more. She so much wanted to marry Tom Paris. And now that was going to happen. And she was so happy and looking forward to having children with him. And Tom listened patiently for over an hour as he stroked her hand.
When she finished he now knew B'Elanna Torres for who and what she was. And he loved her so much.
Here was someone like him who had been badly hurt throughout life but was now putting all of that behind her. Two kindred spirits who never quite fit in until now. Her present and future was with him and him with her. Period.
"I love you, Bea. Everything about you. How couldn't I love you?"
Then with so much love in her heart, B'Elanna Torres did something she had once believed impossible. She asked Tom to marry her right now in their ship.
"Tom, make it real. I want to take the Klingon blood oath. Claim me. Right now, Tom. Claim me."
Tom looked at her with overwhelming love in his eyes. "I have studied Klingon culture and I know when we do this we will own each other. We will be responsible for each other. We will be together body and soul forever. Is this want you really want?"
There was no hesitation. "Yes. More than ever, Tom."
"Then do it B'Elanna. I want it also. Say what we should have said years ago."
B'Elanna stood up proudly and took his hands in hers. He also stood up straight and confident. She smelled him then bit him on the jaw and tasted his blood. He did the same to her.
Then she spoke the words. "JiH Dok, my blood."
Tom took her by the nape of the neck and pulled her close while looking deep into her eyes. "Maj dok, our blood."
Then both of them growled and spoke the final words together. "Tlighan jIH, I am Klingon."
Taking a small knife, they cut each other's hands and placed them together. A great weight was lifted off of both of them, a heaviness that had been there since after Sakari IV just over four years ago. Under Klingon law and customs, they were now married. That left only one more thing to do. Consummate their bond by making love.
In the quiet and seclusion of their shuttlecraft, Tom and B'Elanna slowly and lovingly undressed each other. Showing the tenderness and knowledge of seasoned lovers who let the other lead, they explored each other intimately as they intertwined upon a thick emergency blanket. An hour later they were truly husband and wife. No pain sticks, no throwing heavy objects, no recitation of Klingon poetry. And only a few bites and some bruises but no broken bones.
That would come later.