CHAPTER 10

Kaidan followed her onto the CIC deck, marveling at the similarities between this Normandy and the original one. It seemed that Cerberus had gone to great length to recreate the ship that Shepard had commanded as the first human Spectre. He admired the hologram of the ship in the center of the deck for a split second before Shepard ushered him into the elevator behind the galaxy map.

Wait a minute. Elevator on the CIC deck? Guess they did change a few things, he thought.

His slight confusion must have shown, because Shepard looked at him out of the corner of her eye before selecting the crew quarters deck and explained briefly. "She's bigger than the original, four decks. CIC, crew's quarters, and engineering. Captain's cabin on the top deck."

"Oh. And we're going to the crew quarters? Don't you have a briefings room or something?" He looked down at her, trying not to remember that because she wasn't that much shorter than he was, her lithe body fit almost perfectly against his.

"No, we do. I usually use the communications room for briefings," she replied quietly as she stepped off the elevator. "But the mess is on this deck, and I wanted some tea. We can talk on one of the observation decks; they're more comfortable than the comm. room anyway. They have couches."

He followed her into the mess, frowning a little as he noticed the slump of her shoulders and the tense set of her jaw. He was longing to find out what she meant by the last comment she made before running from him, but knew that now was not the time to bring it up. Shepard reached up to grab two mugs from a cabinet before fishing a key out of her pocket to unlock a drawer and pull out a box from which she retrieved two tea bags.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her as she locked the drawer again, then placed a tea bag in each mug and handed one to him. He felt the familiar tug at his heartstrings as their fingers brushed together momentarily.

"Real tea, from Earth. We keep the good stuff locked up," she clarified as she held her mug under the hot water dispenser. She waited for him to fill his mug before grabbing a small dish from the cabinet and leading him back in the direction of the elevator. Instead of getting back on, though, she turned left, and walked to the end of the short corridor to let him into a small observation room.

She perched on the edge of one of the couches, grasping her tea with one hand and motioning for him to sit with the other. He settled onto the other end of the couch, taking a deep breath and studiously avoiding her gaze as he did so.

Shepard blew on her tea for a few moments before breaking the silence. "So… where do we start?"

Good question.

"Well," he mumbled, nerves suddenly overcoming him, "how about where we left off? Do you think you would ever rejoin the Alliance?" He looked over at her, keenly aware of the sadness in her eyes before she turned her head away to look out the window and sip her tea.

"Honestly? Yes, I would. The Alliance has been my whole life. But, Kaidan, I wasn't kidding when I said that if going out on my own is what it takes to defeat the Reapers, then that's what I'll do." Her voice was soft, serious.

He fought down the surge of frustration, forcing himself to take a calming breath before saying anything. She's right. You need to give her a chance to tell her side of the story.

"It would be nice to have you back on our side," he offered.

Kaidan kept his eyes on her as she sighed, then pulled the teabag out of her mug and deposited it on the little dish she had taken from the mess. He did the same with his teabag when she held the dish out to him before placing it on a side table.

"I never stopped being loyal to the Alliance. I'm certainly not loyal to Cerberus, and I was never on their side. I meant what I said when I told you that I don't work with them anymore."

"Then why work for Cerberus in the first place?" He tried to keep his tone level, but he could tell that she heard the accusation there when she bit her lip and drew her legs up onto the couch, setting her chin on her knees.

Damn. Alright, Alenko, keep a tighter hold on your emotions.

"It's complicated, but really what it comes down to is that they invested a lot of money in me, in this ship. And the Illusive Man provided a lot of helpful leads that I needed to follow." She looked over at him, green eyes pleading with him to understand. Eventually she looked away, drinking more tea before setting the mug down on the table next to the dish with the tea bags.

Stay calm. Getting angry won't solve anything.

"They invested in you?" His voice was incredulous. "What does that mean, exactly? Because it sounds a lot like they bought you off."

Crap. So much for staying calm.

Shepard's expression shifted to something darker, and she made a visible effort to rein in her annoyance before snapping at him. "No, they did not buy me off. But thanks, it's nice to know you think so little of me."

He cringed a little at that, and took another deep breath. "Shepard… damn it, that's not what I meant. I just don't understand, and I need you to explain it to me."

The anger seemed to drain out of her as she drew her legs in a little closer, wrapping her arms around her knees. It occurred to him that she seemed to have changed since he saw her on Horizon, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what the difference was.

Whatever it is, I don't like it, he thought with a frown.

They sat together wordlessly for several minutes, with Kaidan looking on as Shepard appeared to pull herself together, preparing for whatever she had to say. As the silence dragged on, he felt himself beginning to get worried. In the time he had known her on the original Normandy, he had never seen her need to draw on the reserves of her inner strength the way she was clearly doing now. She had always faced everything with head-on assurance. Watching her have to compose herself just to talk to him was heart-wrenching.

When she finally did speak, her voice was almost a whisper; he had to scoot a little closer to her on the couch to be able to hear.

"I was literally an investment for them, the same way any project that requires financing would be. They spent two years and I don't know how many billions of credits on… on resurrecting me."

He drew his brows together in confusion, and hoped that she would elaborate, but she didn't say anything more. She wouldn't even look at him.

"Resurrecting you? Resurrecting you from what?"

"From death, Kaidan."

For one heart-stopping moment, he felt his world falling out from under him. Death? As in, dead death? She really died?

"I… I don't understand," he stammered. "Death?"

"Yes, death," she returned quietly. "What did you think I was talking about on Horizon?"

"Horizon? I thought… I thought you had been working with Cerberus… we thought you had faked your death!" More words were not forthcoming; he could barely breathe.

Shepard looked down at her hands, unable to look him in the eye. "What part of 'I was clinically dead' did you not understand, Kaidan? That wasn't a euphemistic way of saying that I was in a coma, or awake and in poor health," she said dully, her face expressionless. "I certainly wasn't undercover as a Cerberus agent. I meant exactly what I said. I was dead."

He paled, and his heart ached anew as all the feelings of loss rushed back, preventing him from speaking. All he could do was stare at her, stunned at the words she had just uttered.

Shepard died. She died, and Cerberus brought her back. She is literally back from the dead.

Her voice trembled as she continued, and her eyes were glazed over, as if she were reliving something. "A few months ago, I woke up alone on a table with no idea where I was. I was so confused…." She paused, sounding lost. "But there was a voice coming through on the comm. system, telling me I needed to suit up and get armed because we were under attack. So I did, and fought my way through I don't know how many mechs, with just a pistol, for God's sake, until I found Jacob and then Miranda, and we got the hell out of there."

Her words hit him like a blow to the stomach, and his airways constricted even further. He could barely wrap his head around the thought that Shepard really had died two years ago, and the thought that the very first thing she had to do was fight for her life, again, was anguishing.

"You know you've always been good with pistols," he managed faintly, scarcely conscious of what he was saying.

"That was when I found out I had been dead for two years, and the place I woke up in was the Cerberus facility that had been dedicated to bringing me back to life. I agreed to meet with the Illusive Man – that's Cerberus' leader – and he's the one who told me about the attacks on the colonies. I agreed to look into them, and, well, one thing led to another, and now here I am."

She fell silent again. Kaidan stared at her unblinkingly, trying to force his bewildered mind to make sense of her words, but he had no idea where to start; he put his mug down on the side table as he tried to gather his thoughts. Shepard seemed to take that as a cue to keep talking, saving him from finding the right thing to say.

"He didn't want me to destroy the Collector base, you know," she murmured, laughing humorlessly. "Thought we could use the technology to advance humanity. As if I could ignore everything that had happened on that base and the ruining of so many lives." She shook her head, dark hair falling forward to frame her face.

They wanted to save the base? That's going a little far, even for Cerberus.

She was still talking. "We had it out after I blew up the base; asking me to save that place was too much. After that conversation, I don't think Cerberus and I will be working together even if I crawl back on my hands and knees. Which leaves me… alone."

That finally broke through his haze of confusion. "Alone?"

She gave him a funny look, as if he were missing the obvious. "Yes, alone. Cerberus resurrected me because, God knows why, they thought I was the only one who could take on the Reapers. The Alliance may not help, the Council certainly won't, and Cerberus can go to hell, but the Reapers still need to be stopped from wiping out life as we know it."

His heart broke a little as the bitter words poured out of the woman in front of him. What must it be like to shoulder that kind of burden? To be told that the galaxy needs saving again, and once more you're the only one who can do it? To have to literally jump right into action after being resurrected from the dead because you have no other choice?

"Your crew believes in you, Shepard," he stated softly, not knowing what else to say.

She gave a quiet, cynical snort as she hugged her knees closer to her chest. "I know. They believe in me. That's part of the problem, Kaidan. They believe in me, not in the mission. Look at what happened when I died two years ago; it all fell apart and the threat to the galaxy was ignored. There is no one there to take up the reins if I fall. I am literally the last man standing, and no matter how exhausted I am , I don't dare let myself slip because there is no one else there to bear the responsibility."

He had no real answer for that, but tried anyway. "You have friends, Shepard, people you can lean on. Your old crew –" He broke off, colour rising to his cheeks.

She shook her head again. "No, Kaidan. Who is it you think I can lean on? Tali? She's the best tech specialist I have, and we respect each other, but we've never really been friends. Garrus looks out for me, always has my six, but he's not the kind of person I confide in. Liara has turned into a bitch of an information broker, and Wrex is putting his people back together on Tuchanka. That's it. I don't… I don't know if I can do it by myself. I don't know if I can do this at all. But I have to, because there really isn't anyone for me to lean on."

He stared, aghast at her admission of self-doubt. Even during the worst parts of the operation against Saren and Sovereign, when no one wanted to support them, she had held to an unwavering belief in herself and her mission. She had always been poised, positive that she would be able to achieve her goals. An uncertain, insecure Shepard was a whole different creature, one he decidedly did not like seeing.

"You left out one crewmember," he said quietly. "Me."

She stared at him, disbelief and pain clearly written across her face. "You. Right. No, I didn't leave you out, Kaidan. I just didn't think I had to explain to you… You made it pretty clear that you don't want anything to do with this." She took a deep breath before looking away from him again. "And that is what I meant when I said that duty is all I have left."

The shock rolled over him in waves as he saw that she was physically shaking, and he suddenly registered what was different about her. She looked small. Small, and tired, in stark contrast to the confident, larger-than-life personality that Shepard had exuded in her past life. She looked like a person who was on the brink of giving up, a person who had nothing left to hold on to. And he didn't like it, not one bit.

Then another realization hit him, one that had him feeling ill. I did this to her. Not Cerberus. Me. I didn't believe her, didn't believe in her, wasn't there when she needed support, and this is what it did to her. He liked that even less.

He closed the distance between them, hesitantly placing his arm around her shoulders. "Shepard… Kate." He tugged a little at her shoulder, trying to make her turn toward him. "Kate, listen to me. Before, on Horizon… it was never you that I had the problem with. It was Cerberus, and the idea of you working for them. I don't know if I'll ever really get what happened to you—I don't know if anyone could—but I understand things a little better now. And you have to know that I never stopped caring about you, never stopped loving you."

Hastily, he stopped speaking. Damn. I didn't mean for that last part to come out. Wearily, he lowered his head a little, uncertainty shading his thoughts. What the hell do I do now?

When he heard a muffled sob escape from her lips, he realized that she was crying. That was another first for him, and something else that he didn't like. The last remnants of the walls he had built against her crumbled. The sound of her crying tore at him, and he wondered how many times his heart could break.

Impulsively, he pulled his arm tighter around her, drawing her head down onto his shoulder as he moved his hand up and down her arm in what he hoped was a comforting motion. "It will be okay," he soothed, remembering the time on the original Normandy that she had teased him about not being able to say those words. In response, she turned all the way into him, weeping into his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that before her shuddering sobs stopped, but even after the tears ceased he continued to rub her back calmingly. In the silence, he eventually realized that her breathing had eased into a steady rhythm and she had fallen asleep in his lap.

I'm going to have one hell of a sore neck if I stay like this and let her sleep, he thought dryly, but he didn't want to disturb her sleep. Recalling her comment about the captain's cabin on the top deck of the ship, he shifted slightly, and easily lifted her off the couch. Shepard stirred a little in his arms, but didn't wake as he made his way to the elevator.

She must be exhausted.

The doors to her quarters slid open, and he looked around as he stepped across the threshold, not sure what to expect. When he saw her bed in the lower area, he started towards that, but then he noticed the collection of model ships in the display case by her desk. Intrigued, he stepped closer to inspect the little replicas, smiling when he saw the Normandy among them. After looking them over for a few seconds, he started to carry Shepard back over to her bed, but nearly dropped her when he saw his own image blink to life in a holo frame on the desk.

She has a picture of me?

In his astonishment, he jostled Shepard against the wall, and she came awake, looking around herself in sleepy confusion. Instantly he put her down, embarrassed.

"You, ah, fell asleep down there. I remembered you said your quarters were on the top deck, so I was going to put you to bed…" he trailed off self-consciously.

She flushed slightly. "You didn't have to do that… you could have just woken me up."

"I know. You just looked so calm in your sleep, I didn't want to disturb you," he said sheepishly.

"Oh. Well, have a seat." She waved at the couch below the display case. "I'll be back in a sec."

She grabbed something from behind her pillow and disappeared into her bathroom as he sat down, only to emerge a few seconds later clad in a tank top and boxers, face freshly scrubbed and hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. She sat on the edge of her bed, eyes darting around the room. Clearly she was nervous about something.

"Listen," she said, her tone discomfited. "I'm sorry about breaking down like that on you. That wasn't how I thought that conversation would go. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

His eyes swept across her face, incredulous. That was probably the first time she allowed herself to act human since she woke up, and she's apologizing to me? Does she ever stop thinking about other people?

"It's fine, Kate. Really," he replied gently. When did I go back to calling her Kate, the way I used to when we were alone, instead of Shepard? "No need to apologize. It seemed like you needed it."

"Still… it's a little mortifying," she admitted. "And probably not what you had in mind when you came on board to talk to me."

Still trying to stay strong for everyone else. Who keeps you strong, Kate?

"Don't worry about it. Really," he added, seeing that she was about to protest. "I'm glad I could be there for you." He watched her for any sign of doubt, pleased when her features settled into a more relaxed expression.

"I'm glad you were there too," she said softly. A flicker of something – happiness? contentment? – lit her eyes before she looked back down, yawning.

"You should get some sleep," he told her, getting to his feet.

He was halfway to the door when he heard her voice, almost a whisper. "Kaidan?"

He turned around, looking at her questioningly.

"Could you… could you stay tonight?" She was biting her lip, her eyes anxious. Her cheeks coloured suddenly as she seemed to realize how that might have sounded to him. "Not like that!" she rushed on. "I just don't want to be alone right now."

He smiled a little at that, unable to stop the tug at the corners of his mouth at the thought that even after everything that had passed between them, she was comfortable enough with him to ask for help, to show her vulnerable side.

Right. It has nothing to do with the fact that the most stunningly beautiful woman you know just asked you to spend the night with her. Nope, nothing at all.

Relief flooded her face when he walked back into the room.

"I can stay," he assured her. This time, the smile lit up her eyes, and his heart soared at the sight. Then it was his turn to blush, as he realized he didn't have any sleeping clothes with him, and he hated sleeping fully clothed. "I, um, don't have…"

She smirked a little at his discomfort, then got to her feet and retrieved an oversized white t-shirt that looked like it would be three or four sizes too large for her, tossing it at him before clambering between the sheets, lying on her side and resting her head on a pillow. Face bright red, he sat down to take off his shoes and socks, stripping down to his boxers and bare chest before pulling the t-shirt over his head. He padded over to the bed and slid in, moving his body behind Shepard's after a moment's hesitation. She was silent for a moment before cuddling into him, releasing a long, low sigh. He placed a tentative hand around her waist, settling his head onto the pillow.

Kaidan listened to the sounds around him, some familiar, some not. There was the quiet hum of Shepard's cadenced breathing, the creaking of the ship's bulkheads, the low, nearly silent buzz of her comm. terminal, and the gurgle of the filtration unit in her aquarium. He thought Shepard had already fallen asleep, and was contemplating the absurdity of having an aquarium in the C.O.'s quarters, when she spoke.

"Kaidan?" Her voice was hushed, almost fearful. "I know this doesn't fix everything, and things are going to be… complicated… no matter what we do. But… I love you."

His heart swelled, and he marveled at the night's turn of events. He had only meant to get a beer to calm his nerves, and here he was, lying in bed holding the woman whose death had not been enough to make him stop loving her. A grin played at his lips as he instinctively drew her tighter against him, moving his head closer to hers. She was right, they would still have things to work out, but right now, in the clarity that only nighttime could bring, everything seemed exceedingly simple. He breathed in the herbal scent of her hair, and quietly said, "I know. I love you too."

He felt all the tension bleed from her body, and closed his eyes in satisfaction. He was almost asleep when the sound of her voice, muted and drowsy, brought him back to consciousness for a second.

"I'm glad you're home."

It confused him momentarily – she was the one who had been away on a dangerous mission – but then it clicked into place and brought another smile to his face. He was here, on the Normandy, in bed with the woman he loved, who despite all odds still loved him in return. He gave her a brief, happy hug.

It's good to be home.

A/N: Whew, finally done! Well, kids, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you all so very much for the kind reviews, as well as adding me to your story alerts and favourite stories. I am still in awe of many of the authors here, and it does a soul good to know that her work, meager in comparison, is appreciated.