Fandom: Death Note
Characters: L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Rem, Watari, Matsuda Touta, Mysterious enemy
Chapters: 10/?
Warnings/Ratings: Lack of coherency.
In A Nutshell: "My
god, I think I'm going to have to kill him, just for that."
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, thankfully.
Twenty-eight minutes, forty-three seconds, and fourteen sheets of high-quality paper later, the group of young heroes had formulated a plan.
"So… I punch him in the face and we drag his unconscious body back to headquarters for questioning?" Upon L's affirmative nod, Light shrugged and agreed. "Sounds good enough to me."
R.Y.U.K was chuckling from some impossible position up in the rafters and Light's attempts to hit him with anything were simply not working. L, not much of one for messing about, deftly hit the beast in the head, causing him to fall to the ground with a rather solid and highly satisfying "thunk."
"Alright, now that that particular issue is settled, where do we find this new enemy?"
…
"Here?! A law firm?"
"Are you particularly averse to lawyers?"
"Well, no, but… beating up a lawyer?!"
"I assure you, he is no normal lawyer."
"That explains why he's still at work at three in the morning."
"As I have said, he is no normal lawyer. He is… THE OBJECTIFIER!"
"My god, I think I'm going to have to kill him, just for that."
"Now, now. No killing, remember?"
"Son of a-"
"Who's out there?" Their objective, the Objectifier, had heard them.
"No one!" Misa replied cleverly.
L and Light shared a glance indicating that it was time now to implement their plan.
"Over here!" Light jumped from behind the bushes, covered in twigs but still appearing rather dashing.
"Kira-sama! My hero!" Before Light had the time to be perplexed, L had bashed the unwitting lawyer on the back of his head, rendering him unconscious.
"You failed," L stated, not seeming too terribly bitter about it.
"Damned fanboys," Light offered in response.
Watari pulled around the NPA-funded van and L, proving to be quite a bit more powerful than he seemed at first glance, threw the lawyer in the back of the vehicle unceremoniously and climbed in, Light and Misa following suit. Although he had been experiencing a good deal of bad luck with asking questions as of late, Light valiantly decided to ask yet another.
"Why do you have an NPA-funded van?"
"I have many things funded by the NPA, none of which you will stumble upon nor will I tell you of."
"Like prostitutes?"
L, rather perturbed by this point due to the sheer amount of somewhat idiotic questions he had been asked, replied, "Yes. Exactly like prostitutes."
Light, rather enjoying perturbing L with the sheer amount of somewhat idiotic questions he had been asking, continued, "So why is the NPA paying for your prostitutes?"
L, liking this question in particular because not only did Light assume he'd actually had sex but also because he had the chance to gloat, answered proudly, "I am the great detective L."
"So, you catch criminals as the widely-known superhero L and then turn them in as the widely-known detective L?"
"… That is a fairly correct assessment."
"Have people drawn any connections?"
"…I do not believe they have."
Light, incredulous at the exponentially rising stupidity of the human race, settled for gawking. L, having accomplished the goal of shutting the teen the hell up, scratched at an itchy patch of skin. Damned cheap, synthetic fabric.
…
Once back at headquarters, L contacted the NPA on the subject of the capture and upcoming incarceration of the Objectifier.
"This is Mikami Teru."
Matsuda burst into the room, eager to be in on the action. "Oh my god! That's Mikami Teru!"
L, once again perturbed at undesired speaking, asked politely, "Matsuda, have you ever wondered what it feels like to be stabbed in the face?"
"Yeah, a little bit."
"I suspect that if things continue at this rate, you will no longer have to wonder."
"…Huh?"
"Our subject is, as I was saying before Matsuda tapped into an endless pool of murderous rage within me, Mikami Teru, also known as the Objectifier. His power, rather obviously, is to transform humans into objects. Therefore, I suggest you take these." He handed out compact mirrors to his companions. "If he wakes and attempts to objectify you, please, save yourself by forcing him to turn himself into an object." At Light's raised eyebrows, he added, "I have seen a man changed into a plastic bucket. It was brutal, the sort of thing one can never forget."
Light, disturbed by the conviction in L's voice, glanced down at his compact mirror, displeased. "Mine has a unicorn on it."
"Ooh! Ooh! Misa has a dinosaur! Wanna trade?"
L granted the pair a look darker than the bags under his eyes but said nothing as they exchanged the fierce tools of protection.
"Now that we are all prepared, I propose we wait."
Light grumbled about how waiting was all they ever did, Misa sat still as Rem redid a few of the braids that had come loose, Matsuda stood around as if unsure of how to properly wait, and far above them, perched in the rafters, R.Y.U.K chuckled madly, biting loudly into another crisp apple.
Because I was really quite distraught to learn that "Objectifier" is not actually a word in the English language.