Chapter 10

I am hoping these next two chapters work. So fingers crossed.

My past was not something anyone could fully hide, I was a trained killing machine, and I was trained over a period on months to lose myself to lose the ability to care, to fear and to feel pain. I was a wild animal, but that was over twenty years ago, but even now it sometimes comes through. The nightmares that would plague my dreams my mind and my soul.

I hardly slept when Amy is not around, because of the fear of the nightmares attacking me and because of things that I had done. There was not just Ian Doyle who I had betrayed in a sense. I betrayed him by getting close, close enough to hurt him and destroy him. It was my ability to get people to trust me that made me more dangerous than anything. Nevertheless, this was just part of who I was, who I am.

My genetic makeup played into it a great deal, not just my looks. However, being able to see and hear things before they happened; unfortunately, it never happened when I was close to someone, when I had allowed someone to touch my heart my soul. The very fabric of my being, I had lost my family years ago; I had finally cut all the strings that held me to my mother it was the one blessing in my life.

The team feared me, not because I had ever hurt them, but because sometimes I would rather kill you than talk to you and ask questions, though when I was surrounded by children I was at peace, I was calm and the air for danger that surrounded me fell away.

Not one person in my life has ever wanted to know me, aside from Amy, However, Jennifer is different, not because she is like me, but because she needs answers, she needs the truth after everything she has been through she needs one person to be honest with her. I could sit here and just debate the fact with myself or I can voice what, or try to place into words something that I have never spoken about.

Start at the beginning, the whole problem is I am unsure where the beginning started. Was it when I was called a freak, was it the time I slammed my father against the door without touching him, the fact that the more I became aware I was different the more I was alone.

This would also involve everything I had done. I have spent years blaming myself for everything and my Mother has taken great pleasure in joining in on that as well. Nevertheless, this woman, which is now sat before me, this pure innocent woman who still has a trace of fear in her eyes, could end up fearing me more. Is it really worth the risk? Alternatively, do I back away and allow her to slip away.

"Or you can start where you want"

I heard her voice soft as anything could she sense the inner turmoil which laced my mind, could she feel how truly broken I am inside. That the hardness that I show to the world is just a shield so no one sees how much of a train wreck I truly am. As I sit here, our eyes locked together as though each of us searching for something but we are not quite sure what.

I can still see the slight fear and I can sense the worry. Nevertheless, I can also sense the worry of rejection as though me allowing her in would be proof that I trust her. However, do I trust her enough not to betray me? Would it be easier if she asked me questions to which I could answer, or would me leading the dance be easier all around?

My reasoning is torn between my heart and my head and I am unsure for the first time in my life, which one I should listen to. My heart tells me to take the risk, to take a chance on someone other than Amy, my brain on the other hand remains me just how badly this could turn, the fact I over analyse everything I do is nothing compared to the sinking feeling I had growing inside me.

If I follow my head I might as well slam the steel door shut and nail it up forever, but if I listen to my heart, which I may point out has gotten me into more trouble than my abilities or gifts, call them what you may.

Sometimes they hinder you other times they are a blessing, but do I allow my heart to rule my mind in the sheer hope of some desperation that I may have found someone else who will except me for me and not try to conform me into the normal way the world works.

I know she is like me, but she is also not like me. She is much like the people we have experimented on for the past 20 or so years. My heart pounds high in my chest, I can both feel and hear the blood rushing through my veins, the volume is deafening but at the same time I can draw comfort from the fact I am still here and still alive and the hand that rests in mine giving me the much needed strength to do this, to open the door of something I have tried to nail shut, tried to avoid and hide for most of my life.

Maybe I have been closed off for too long to even know how to communicate with someone who seems to actually be interested in me. Not out for what they can get from me, not wanting to use me so they can get some greater advantage for whatever it is they are doing.

I close my eyes for a moment before I look back directly into her, I hear the soft gasp the kindness in her eyes though the hint of fear and worry remains, there is hope and as long as there is hope there is a chance, and a chance is always worth the risk.

Right now is where I bare my soul, strip away the armour I have encased around myself, this is where I take a chance and allow her in allow her to see me the real me which only Amy has ever seen.

This could all backfire.

I know she can see the power play which is going on in my mind, the shudder breath escapes my lips as I begin to drown in my mind, I feel Amy beginning to pull me back as the thoughts and feelings begin to swirl in my mind.

"Just breath Emily" I hear her voice so soft and gentle.

I look at our hands before I look into her eyes, I could drown in her eyes like so many times before. Her eyes offer me so much comfort, so much love and protection. They have always given me strength when I felt I could not carry on. Who knew the strong Emily Prentiss could be weak and scared?

I try to slow my breathing who knew this could be so hard. Who knew me just opening my mouth and allowing the words to come out would be so hard? I know why it is so hard because after everything has been said after everything which will be done. I could be placing Amy and myself in harm's way.

I guess this is also the point where I have to look deep within myself and find some kind of balance before I even think of opening my mouth each words needs to make sense, each word needs to be in the right place.

Though as I look into her eyes I feel grounded as though each fibre of my very being she is able to touch Amy is my anchor. Jennifer is watching me so intently and I know that she is not even trying to see inside my mind. This is something I need to do.

"I've never spoken about my past" I let out in a soft voice, though I think for the first time in my life it sounds weak, even as I laid in a pool of my own blood it didn't sound this weak.

She gives me a slight nod and I can see the way her body is so tense so fearful of what may come out of my mouth.

Where the hell so I start, the beginning is normally a good place, but when did I notice I was different from everyone else, I cannot help but let out a slight sigh.

"I always knew I was different from everyone else, from a young age I could feel peoples pain their anger their detest for everything that was wrong in their lives." I pause slightly as I delve into my past, which I had buried so long ago.

"As I grew up it progressed slowly at first, I use to think I imagined the voices which filtered into my mind, knowing what someone was going to ask me before the words had left their lips."

I stop again; I cannot help the sad smile, which takes, over my face,

"By the time I had turned 10 things had changed again, the voices changed giving feelings behind them, whether they were sad, happy or angry. The deepness also changed with each day, and the length in which I could hear their thoughts grew. I could be three rooms away and I could hear my Mother and Father as though they were stood right in front of me, their thoughts laced with hate and disappointment."

I cannot control the tears I feel building up behind my eyes as I think back to the most painful part of my childhood. The fact that this was the time I knew how much they were disappointed in me and the point, which I found out my Father, was having an affair.

I can no longer look into her as I speak. So instead, I now look at the hand that is wrapped in my own, trying to gain strength from Amy.

"When I turned 12, I confronted my Father; he had been having an affair for years. I already knew that at this point I was a disappointment, so confronting him would make no difference in how they felt about me. I was use to the rejection. Not just by my parents but even adults and children alike. They knew I was different. A freak"

I close my eyes slightly trying not to get too lost within the past.

"That was when I also found that I could move things with my mind, the second his hand made contact with my cheek; the second I had felt that pain and sting. Anger burned inside me I wanted to push him away so far, so far away from me. but little did I know at that time, that just thinking it with so much anger, so much hate that raged inside me. Before I even knew what I was doing he was pinned up against the wall of his study gasping for breath."

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheek the slight salt smell that ran along with it, the expelling of the hate and hurt I had felt for years, the disappointment that I truly was to them. I could hear the soft hums from Amy as she tried to give me comfort as I tried to plough on through all this, trying to explain something I have never fully understood.

A failure.

"That was the age I found out I was just like his brother." I could not help the dry laugh that ripped from my chest.

"Someone I had never met or heard of before, but I also knew then that I wasn't truly alone as I felt. That someone else was like me, well maybe like me. To my Father I was a freak, a disappointment. Though with him now seeing I was like his brother I had now in the space of half an hour become a problem something he wanted to disregard. Someone he wanted out of his life, though my Mother new about the affair he was having, it was I that was punished. I was sent away to France. Not the first time I had been sent away, but now I was sent to live with my Grandfather."

I pause as I hold in the sob, which wants to rip from my chest; pain I thought I had dealt with so long ago came flooding back to the surface, the reminder of the rejection from my own family. The shear pain and problem I was to them, a burden to them.

Amy brings her hand up to my face to wipe away the tears, which were freely flowing down my face, the burning in my eyes, which spilled out the full emotion of everything I had been through.

"My Grandfather taught me how to control everything which I felt inside, taught me how to shield myself from what I felt. However, with the rejection from my parents I also began to build walls around myself for my own protection. I threw myself into my school work, I guess even back then I thought if I was good enough, if I could prove myself I would be accept by my family my parents."

I let out a dry laugh; things have never gone to plan where my parents were concerned.

"Each year my gifts as I now called them grew and other changes began to take shape as well, I remember the first time I had been involved in an accident, well it was called that but in truth some of the children I went to school would beat on me."

I sighed slightly gaining strength again off Amy as I had done so many times in the past

"Don't get me wrong I had a few close friends back then, but I was also an outcast."

I felt Amy's hand against my back, a shiver ran through my body but it was covered with warmth that gave me the strength to carry on this path of memory lane. This path, which was covered in heartache and pain.

"My Grandfather had passed away which meant I had been sent back to my parents whom didn't really want me around, I was side-lined to the other side of the house. Not allowed to mix with anyone whom came within our temporary home. My parents were ambassadors back then. Though my Mother still is to this day, so we also moved around a lot."

I feel her hand now running up and down my spine giving me a sense of comfort my past was so different from Jennifer's. I had wanted to hide to give up so many times in the past, but here I was living a life I had so badly wanted to end many years ago.

Jennifer had been locked away and kept away from people whom would judge her and I guess the word I want to use is abuse her. Though that is wrong because her so called 'keepers' abused her more than anyone in her life.

"I was in Italy around my fifteenth birthday, I was so desperate to fit in, I was tired of being the outcast, but I went about it the wrong way. It nearly ruined my life, but in a sense, it also had. I became pregnant, and within that same year, I had a termination. This rest of my teen years seemed to fly by, I had moved back to the states by the time I had turned 19 and was in college, the courses I studied paved a pathway for me to be snatched up by Interpol and the CIA"

I need to stop I need to breath. I need to control these emotions, which are spiralling out of me like a cannon being fired from the gun. Amy now has her arm around me as I try to control the sobs, which rip from my chest.