A burning heat fills my bedroom and swirls around my body, trying to set me on fire. Why am I so damn hot? I try to stretch my tired, sore muscles but I can't move an inch. I drag my heavy eyelids open, and all I can see is the top of Tobias's head. He's wrapped around me like a feather boa, his head cushioned on my breasts, and his legs resting squarely on top of mine, pinning the lower half of my body to the mattress, sound asleep. It's no wonder I can't move. He weighs a fricking ton! And my God it feels like someone turned the furnace up to about 100 degrees in here.
I'm surprised when I see us both clad in yesterday's clothes until I remember we didn't bother changing into our PJs after the emotional rollercoaster we took last night. We were both exhausted, physically and emotionally. To be honest, I still feel a bit wrung out. I roll my head to the right so I can get a better look at his sleeping face and smile. He seems very content now. Who am I to bother him?
I gently run my fingers through his messy tresses, which are curling up on the ends as I gaze at his slumbering face. As hard as I try not to, my thoughts drift to last night and my heart constricts painfully. I hope he's in a better mood this morning and not so hard on himself. If I feared that he would hurt me or, God forbid, one of our kids, he would not be here right now. The casual caressing of his hair finally causes him to stir. His eyelids flutter open, and he looks confused for a moment then a happy smile unfurls on his lips. He snuggles closer to my breasts and sighs.
"Good morning, baby," I chuckle.
"Morning, love," he groggily says his voice full of sleep but he doesn't move a muscle, which makes my heart sing but I am beginning to lose all feeling in my legs.
"Um, as much as I hate to see you to move, Tobias, my legs are asleep," I say, never stopping the rhythmic movement of my fingers in his hair. He groans in protest as he rolls off me, and my legs start tingling as the blood comes rushing back. I gingerly move them, wincing. They feel like two dead weights.
"Are you okay?" he asks sitting straight up, no sign of drowsiness left, concern thick in his voice.
"Yeah but both of my legs are tingling something fierce," I say, my face scrunched up in pain. He knowingly shakes his head and wraps his big hands around one of my legs and starts tenderly massaging the life back into it. It hurts even worse to begin with as he works his way from my thigh to my toes but the prickling sensation goes away sooner. "The other one now, baby." He gently places my left leg back on the mattress and picks up the right, giving it the same special treatment. "Oh, your hands feel so good," I moan and he chuckles softly.
"I'm sorry, love," he says, still working magic on my calf with his nimble fingers. "I think I passed out and didn't move a muscle all night."
"You do seem to really like my breasts," I laugh.
"That I do," he says, throwing me a warm, easy smile. We gaze at each other as he massages my foot. "How is your arm?"
"It doesn't hurt, I promise," I say.
"I need to see it," he says as he gently rests my leg back on the mattress. I sit up so we are nearly nose to nose.
"I'm afraid to show it to you," I whisper, remembering how it looked in the bright bathroom light earlier this morning. What does it look like now?
"Why are you afraid, love?" he very patiently asks, his Four demeanor masking his own fear but I can feel it. I lower my head and stare at our joined hands. He puts his finger on my chin and tips it up. "Look at me. Talk to me."
"I don't want you upset, Tobias," I softly say. "You didn't mean to."
"You are definitely right about that," he sighs, "but the truth of the matter is I grabbed you when I was furious with you, and I left bruises on your arm and not a little one, Tris. I left my whole fucking hand!" He grimaces and shakes his head then takes a deep breath. "I am so sorry, love. I didn't mean to lose it. I'm not upset with you, I swear. I'm pissed as hell at myself. I have to deal with these … feelings and it will help to see it."
"Okay." I swing my body to the left so my right arm is directly in front of him. He slowly rolls my sleeve up, revealing the purplish handprint. I see a combination of agony and self-loathing flash across his face just before he squeezes his eyes tightly shut. Tears prick the back of my eyes as I watch him go through this knowing that there truly isn't anything I can do to help. He slowly raises is eyelids, a deep melancholy there now, and he leans forward and kisses every inch of the bruise.
"I'm going to spend every day of the rest of my life making this up to you," he says. I hear agony, sadness, and resolve mixed in his voice. I sweep the hair off his forehead and glide my fingers down his temple and cheek then across his jawline. He captures my hand and lovingly kisses my palm.
"I'm sorry this is hurting you so much. What can I do to help?"
"Please don't cry, love," he says, tears wetting his own eyes. "There's nothing you can do. This is something I have to work through myself."
"Please don't shut me out, baby," I say.
"Never," he mutters. I surprise him when I climb into his lap, wrap my arms tightly around his neck and my legs around his waist, and kiss him with everything I've got. His lips are slow to respond but catch up with mine in no time. This raw emotion is something neither of us is used to. He slides one hand up my back and into my tousled hair, making sure my mouth goes nowhere and the other down to knead the tender flesh of my behind. I move my fingers up into his locks as I press every inch of my body to his. "Oh, God, I want you," he murmurs against my skin after he kisses his way to my neck, giving us both a chance to breathe. I know. I feel him.
"I want you, too," I pant, sounding like a wanton woman.
"I can't wait, love," he says as his hands move to the hem of my snug black tee. "I need to be inside you this instant." I need no other invitation. I need him buried deeply inside me just as much to help with this uncontrollable ache that's developed deep in my core. He takes my shirt off then whips his own off over his head and tosses it in the same direction he just flung mine. My eyes roam his naked Adonis-like chest, and it leaves me just as breathless as the first time he exposed it to me. He pushes me back on the mattress and unsnaps my jeans and hurriedly lowers them down my body leaving me totally exposed to his ravenous stare. "Just a taste," he murmurs so low I'm not sure that's what he says until he confirms it when he spreads my legs wide and bends down and places his lips to my womanhood, kissing my most intimate area. I moan loudly when he strokes the tip of his soft tongue across my moist entrance and up over my throbbing nubbin. He thrusts that magical tongue through my folds, inside me, and makes love to me with his mouth. I arch off the mattress at the amazing sensation, pushing myself up further on his probing tongue, and I feel my muscles starting to tighten. He moves it back up and concentrates on my sensitive bundle of nerves, attacking it from every direction with just the velvety tip, not letting me get used to it until I'm a writhing mess. I call his name as one of the most powerful orgasms of my life overtakes me. I stop breathing, and I swear I see stars. After what seems far too long, I pull in lungfuls of much-needed air but he doesn't stop his assault on my nubbin until I ride the wave of pleasure to fruition.
He sits back, licking his lips, a sexy look on his face then gets off the bed. I follow him with my eyes, my body too exhausted to move now. I watch him frantically fumble with the buttons of his jeans, muttering to himself, his eyes on my splayed body. He finally lowers the denim over his hips, down his legs, and steps out of them then climbs up onto the bed and settles between my legs. He lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me tenderly as he pushes inside me with one long, forceful drive. When we are one, he pulls back, balances himself on his elbows, and caresses my cheeks.
"I'm sorry for everything, love," he says, tension in his jawline. I can tell that he really wants to move but he's giving me time to get used to his body inside mine. Even after nearly three years and one baby, it's still a very tight fit.
"I'm sorry, too," I say, caressing his face. "I need you to move, baby. I need to get lost in you. Show me how much you love me. Make love to me, please, Tobias." I move my hips back as much as I can then thrust them up again, moving him in and out of me a little without him moving a muscle. His eyes dilate further and his lips crash into mine. He starts moving in long, deep strokes that match his tongue plundering my mouth, and I know this won't last long, the need we both feel overpowering the desire to keep the pace slow.
He blankets my body with his, his nearly onyx eyes staring into mine as our hips find a satisfying rhythm as old as time. After a few minutes, he picks up the pace, and I wrap my legs around his waist, giving him deeper access to my small body. He reaches between us and finds my tender nubbin with his calloused thumb. As his thrusts change, he starts rubbing the small yet extremely sensitive protrusion somewhat roughly. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck and kiss him greedily, our bodies slamming into each other in a primal need. He presses harder on my nubbin, and I explode around him in a blinding rush of ecstasy. I don't know if I forget to breathe or forget how as my body convulses around his but I finally drag in an unsteady breath and cry out his name.
"Tobias! Oh, God, baby! Yes. Yes. YES! Tobias! God, I love you!" My explosive release triggers his and he thrusts deeply, stills, and buries his head in my shoulder and grunts, groans, and shudders as he empties himself inside me. Emotional tears slide down my cheeks, into my hair as his heat spreads through my core.
"What's wrong?" he softly pants as he kisses the wetness out of the corner of each eye.
"I just love you so much," I mumble, sniffing, still not able to control my emotions. He lowers his lips to mine and kisses me tenderly yet thoroughly.
"I love you, too," he says as he gazes affectionately down at me. He rolls us so that we are on our sides but still joined. He runs his hands lightly over my back and side. It feels good. "That went far too quickly. Tonight, I'm going to show you just how much I love you. I'm going to kiss every inch of your beautiful body and I do mean every inch then I'm going to make you come over and over again and when you think you can't take anymore, I'm going to slide deep inside your tight little body and make love to you until you're screaming my name. I love hearing my name on your lips as you come." He gives me a slow, sweltering kiss. "Tonight's going to be all about you and you alone, love. You need a little pampering so don't make any other plans. You're mine tonight." The look in his eyes is possessive yet so full of love and his words make me clench around his length causing him to moan. He carefully pulls out of me and kisses my forehead. "As much as I want to stay buried inside you all day, the kids will be up soon. Take a shower with me?" Who could refuse such a lovely offer?
"I would love to," I say. We get up and he opens our bedroom door before we go into the bathroom. Our leisurely shower shifts when he pushes me up against the cold tile wall and roughly takes me from behind but I don't mind at all. It seems like he can't get enough of me after our fight last night, and the feeling is entirely mutual. After pounding into me at a frenzied pace for what seems like hours – I'm definitely going to be sore today – he whispers in my ear that he wants to see me touch myself. I close my eyes and shyly slide my hand down my body then between my thighs. I rub my aching nubbin the way I like him to, and I come hard around his hammering length, which sets off his explosion. After catching our breath, we finish our shower then take turns drying each other off between sweet kisses. I wander into my closet to get dressed while he does the same.
"I'm going to check on the girls," he says as I'm tying my shoes. We are meeting friends at the park today so I'm dressed for comfort in a black and gray striped scoop neck tee, fitted dark gray shorts, and my running shoes and I notice he's wearing a pair of black athletic shorts with a dark gray stripe down the side, a dark gray tank top with the Dauntless logo in black on the front, and running shoes that match mine. "I'm sure they're up already." His eyes casually roam up and down my body, and I blush at the hungry look in his eyes. This is going to be a long day. I might have to take him into the bathroom at the park. Hhm. There's an interesting idea. "You look good enough to eat." I had the exact same thought about him.
"You don't look too bad yourself, hot stuff," I giggle. An easy smile crosses his face and he chuckles. He starts toward me, a predatory look in his eyes, and I put my hand on his chest, halting him. "The girls," I say.
"Oh, yeah! Right," he says, shaking his head as if to clear it. He leans over and kisses my forehead with a chuckle then heads out into the hallway. "Are you sure you don't just want to get a sitter and spend the day in bed?"
"You are such a naughty boy, Mr. Eaton," I say.
"You're making me so damn horny, Mrs. Eaton," he roughly says.
"Tonight, baby," I say. "You can have me as much as you want tonight."
"I'm holding you to that," he says with a wink then he disappears around the corner. Damn! I thought he was going to attack me like he did in the shower, not that I would have minded. I head into the bathroom and style my hair into a simple French braid. While I'm putting on my light makeup, I hear the patter of little feet and I smile. Tessa comes running into the room and straight to me.
"Hi, little one," I say, scooping her up in my arms. I hug her tightly and pepper her face with kisses. "Do you have to go potty?" She goes from smiles to frowns in nothing flat.
"No," she pouts and I sigh. Must we go through this every morning?
"Will you sit on the potty for Mommy?" I ask. She finally nods so I help her out of the purple princess jammies Christina bought her when Tyler was in the infirmary. They have quickly become her new favorites, and she refuses to wear anything else to bed. I need to remember to stop by the boutique and pick up another pair so I'll be able to wash these someday. Once I take her still dry training diaper off, she sits down and immediately goes potty.
"Yeah!" She starts clapping and I join in. God, I love her!
"See! You are such a big girl," I say, kissing her forehead. "Pretty soon we'll have to go shopping just you and me for pretty grown up panties and you won't have to wear this bulky training diaper anymore." I finish up her diaper and she hugs me tightly.
"Love you, Mama," she says, melting my heart.
"I love you, too, little one," I say.
"Make way!" Tobias calls out and Teagan comes running in, naked as the day she was born, and sits on the potty, a huge grin on her face, which takes my breath away. God, she looks just like me. "She got away from me."
"I can see that," I say as I pick Tessa up. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek over and over. "Have you had a chance to check on Tyler?"
"He's still asleep," he says, a frown overtaking his face. He's worried about the fact that our son saw us arguing last night. I must admit, I am, too.
"He still needs his rest," I say. "Maybe we should cancel our plans for today. It might be too much for him." He furrows his brows and sighs.
"I think some fresh air will do him some good, do all of them some good," he says. "They've been cooped up inside most of this week. They're going stir crazy. We are going stir crazy."
"I poo poo," Teagan announces proudly and we look at her.
"Did you go poopy on the potty?" Tobias asks, his voice full of wonder. She gets up and points. She sure did. We clap our hands, whooping and hollering. Tessa even joins in, and Teagan grins from ear-to-ear like this is the best thing ever. After cleaning her up and putting her in a fresh diaper I pick her up and hug her tightly. I have such a sense of pride but there's a bit of melancholy, too. My baby is growing up so fast. Tears wet my eyes as I kiss her.
"I'm so proud of you, Teagan Grace," I softly say. "You're getting to be such a big girl." I'm not surprised when my thoughts drift to having another baby. They always do when my girls reach a milestone. Soon they will both be potty trained and what if I never get to repeat this process? Tobias wipes the tear off my cheek with a knowing look.
"You have wanted a baby for a while whether you know it or not," he softly says. I furrow my brows at him. "I've seen this look, minus the tears, of course, several times over the past year, always when the girls do something amazing." Yes, pooping in the potty is considered amazing around here! I kiss Teagan's soft waves, and she kisses me back then turns and hold her arms out for her father who happily takes her.
"You have?" I ask as I pick Tessa up who wraps her lithe little arms around me.
"Yeah," he says as we head to the nursery to get the girls dressed. "I never knew what it meant but if I'm being completely honest, I suspected. I just didn't know how to broach the subject."
"We don't have to talk about this today," I softly say.
"When's your next appointment with Isobel?" he asks.
"The beginning of September."
"That long, huh?"
"Why?" I ask, intrigued. Where's he going with this?
"I think we need to talk to her or Zander sooner than that about the risks of another pregnancy. I know it would help me with my decision."
"That actually sounds like a good idea," I say as I pick out outfits for the girls. "Then we can be given all the facts, and we can sit down and have a serious discussion about it. I can tell you this right now, Tobias, if the risk is too great, I'll be satisfied with three kids. I would never willingly take myself away from Tyler, Tessa, Teags, or you for any reason. He wraps his arms around me and lowers his lips to mine. He kisses me softly until we hear giggling.
"I forgot we have an audience," he murmurs against my lips.
"Hi," Tyler says as he walks into the room. "I was lookin' for you." When Tobias lets me go, he smiles up at us. "You was kissin'." I think it's the first time he approves of seeing his father and me sharing an intimate moment.
"We were," Tobias says, ruffling his hair affectionately. "How are you feeling today, buddy?" Tyler shrugs his shoulders.
"Your stomach doesn't hurt, does it?" I ask, concerned. I never want him to be in pain ever again in his entire life.
"No," he says. "My tummy and throat and ears don't hurt no more."
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that," I say. "Why don't you go get dressed? Mommy and Daddy have a surprise for you." The girls look up at us, frowning.
"Don't worry," I say to them. "It's your surprise, too." They all start jumping around, excited. Do I really want to add to this chaos? I feel a tug at my heartstrings. Yes. Yes, I really do. "If we aren't in here when you're done getting dressed, we'll be downstairs, Tyler. I think we're having blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast if I'm not mistaken."
"We are," Tobias says. Again, they all excitedly start running around the small room.
"Come here, Tessa Beatrice," I say and she runs into my arms. Monster!
"Teags, let's get some clothes on you," Tobias says. "Tyler, please go get dressed."
"Okay, Daddy," he says then runs out of the room. We really need to work on the no running in the house rule. All three of them do it, and we don't enforce it enough.
"I pick, Mama," Tessa frowns.
"Mommy already picked out your outfit today," I say as I sit her on the changing table. Tobias is patiently waiting his turn, blowing raspberries on Teagan's bare belly, making her giggle hysterically. "It's a pretty outfit. You'll love it." I pull the soft heather gray t-shirt, which has a little pink bow just below the center of the crew neckline on over her head and she helps me put her arms through the armholes. She lies back, and I slip the soft blue-and-pink-rose-and-green-leaf-covered ivory shortalls up her body then fasten the snaps. She looks so darn cute. "Shall we go do something with your hair, little one?" She holds her arms out for me, already forgetting that she was mad that she didn't get to pick out her own outfit. "Remember, you've got to tell Mommy or Daddy when you have to go potty."
"Otay!" she says. I turn my attention to Tobias and Teagan. "I'll do Tessa's hair then I'll do Teags'."
"Lub 'ou!" Teagan says, her head tilted to the side, a playful smile on her lips. I love her so much but I swear she is the hardest kid to understand. She's also our little flirt. I'm sure she'll chase Liam around today until she gets her fill of kisses. I swear that kid will be our son-in-law one day.
"I love you, too," I say. I pucker up and she leans forward and gives me a sloppy, wet kiss. I slide my eyes to Tobias and the tender way he's looking at me takes my breath away. "I love you, too, baby."
"I not bebe," Teagan mutters, frowning from ear to ear.
I run my hand down her cheek and say, "I was talking to your daddy." She looks at him, confused.
"You bebe?" she asks, her hands held out by her head. She does this just about every time she asks a question. I have no idea where she got it from.
"That's what your mommy calls me," he says. "It's a nickname just like we call you Teags."
"'Kay!" I doubt she understands but she's no longer scowling. I give Tobias a soft kiss then carry Tessa into the bathroom and sit her down on the long quartz countertop between the his-and-hers sinks.
"How should we do your hair today, little one?" I say as I run the brush through her soft curls. These quiet times with my girls, styling their hair, reminds me of all those times growing up in Abnegation that my mother would cut then style mine. It seemed like nothing special at the moment but looking back those were some of the most intimate, happy times I shared with my mom. That's when she would smile sweetly and talk freely. I'm so glad I still get to see her. I consider her my friend now.
"No bow," she says, shaking her head as I rifle through the drawer that holds their hair accessories.
"How about a braid like Mommy's?" I ask.
"Yeah!" she says, her eyes lighting up. I turn her to face the mirror and quickly put a French braid into her thick curls and secure it with a soft pink ponytail holder. She grins the entire time I style her hair. "All done," I announce as Tobias carries Teagan into the bathroom. I look at her outfit and grin. It matches Tessa's perfectly except it favors her fairer coloring with its soft pink shirt and little dark-blue-heart-covered ivory shortalls. He stops when he sees Tessa.
"You look beautiful, Pebbles" he says, gaining a wide smile from our daughter. "Just like your mommy." Teagan says something neither Tobias nor I can quite make out while I set Tessa on her feet, and she runs out the door.
"Walk!" Tobias and I say.
"How do you want your hair, Teags?" I ask her and she frowns. "Do you want a braid, too?" When her eyes light up, we both realize that must be what she was talking about earlier.
"I'll start breakfast," Tobias says.
"Okay," I say, kissing him tenderly, lovingly. "We'll be down in a little bit." I watch as he walks away then turn to my baby. Her hair isn't quite as long as her sisters and it's baby fine so keeping her hair in a braid has always been a hardship but we make it work. I run the brush through her locks and meet her smiling eyes. I quickly braid her hair and put on a spritz of hairspray then fasten a few stray hairs back with little pink heart barrettes. "All done. What do you think?" She turns her head from side to side and giggles.
"Like Mama," she says.
"You really do look just like Mommy," I say, "except you have your daddy's beautiful eyes. Ready for pancakes?" She nods eagerly as I carry her toward the kitchen.
"Teags is here now," Tyler whines. "Can you tell us what the surprise is? Please!"
"Yeah! Peas!" Tessa says.
"Peas!" Teagan joins in. I can't help but chuckle. I can guarantee she doesn't have the slightest idea what she's begging for. I sit her in her booster chair and place a soft kiss on the top of her head then join Tobias in the kitchen.
"Do you think we should tell them?" he asks, his eyes shining brightly. He's in such a good mood right now. I hope nothing happens to change that.
"I don't know," I say and they all groan.
"Please!" Tyler moans.
"Peas!" my girls say at the same time.
"I don't think they sound excited enough to be let in on the secret," Tobias teases and they all start excitedly jabbering at once.
"Hey-hey! We'll tell you," I say. "We are packing a picnic lunch," Tyler's eyes widen in anticipation, "and we are meeting some friends at the park."
"Yes!" he says like I just told him he never has to clean his room ever again. The girls are all smiles.
"I'm glad you're happy," I say, "but, Tyler, you have to rest some and drink plenty of water. We don't want you sick again."
"Okay, Mommy," he says. "I do anything to go to the park." I know.
"Let's get breakfast under way so we can pack the picnic lunch and go," Tobias says.
"Sounds like a plan!" I say, the kids' excitement rubbing off on me.