Return to Life
Chapter 10
It started raining again.
Atton found this fitting. He was beside himself, with what he could not say. On one hand, Adel was alive, free from her gilded prison, blinking her doll-like eyes and holding on to him the way he had always fantasized but never dared hope for. The warmth of her, the smell of her, were for once real, no longer imagined. He could feel her heartbeat against his chest, her muscles twitch with lingering shudders, and the quick inhale and exhale of her breath, as if she were saying silently, I'm alive, I'm here, at last. She huddled to him with a trust she had never shown as the Exile, pressing herself so tightly to him that he felt overwhelmed.
On the other hand, she was little more than that. She never spoke since waking, and once her whimpers died down she became a silent thing. Her movements were uncoordinated, little better than a toddler's, and her Force signature remained muted, almost nonexistent. The Sith had done something to her, and Atton was terrified that she had not truly returned. The Exile was her own temple; she maintained that aloofness befitting of a priestess superior to those around her, not because she was arrogant, but because she exuded that purity and grace that made others respect her too much to think themselves her equals. When she reached out to touch someone, they felt blessed, and even when she was harmed, she was so filled with power that no one could believe her weak for it. She respected the personal space of others as much as they respected hers, and would never in a million years fold herself into Atton this way.
He continued to hold her, despite his inner turmoil. What he thought before still stood. Whole or not, he would rather have a broken Adel than no Adel at all. Broken meant alive. Broken meant he could spend the rest of his life healing her.
"Can't you use one of your Jedi mind tricks?" Mandalore demanded. "Figure out what's wrong with her?"
Even though Atton had thought the same thing, he snapped, "There's nothing wrong with her."
"The Exile would never behave so pathetically."
"You try being imprisoned by Sith for a couple of years, and let's see how much better you are then," The ex-Sith assassin sneered in disgust. "Give her a break. She just needs time. Who knows what they've done to her while in the Unknown Regions."
Adel suddenly bit the front of his tunic and pulled with her teeth. The gesture reminded Atton disturbingly of a baby.
"Now what sort of ordeal would make a grown woman do that?" Mandalore drawled.
"Shut up," Atton freed the cloth, "What are you doing, sweetheart?" He crooned, but Adel was looking blankly at his tunic and looked like she wanted to bite at it again. "No no," His hand shook as he moved her chin gently away, "Don't do that. It's dirty. You don't want to eat clothes."
"Maybe she's hungry," Mandalore stood. "She doesn't seem to be talking, at any rate."
He stepped out, and Atton did not stop him. He was far too disturbed by Adel's behavior. Whatever happened to her, I'll stick with her. I'll leave the Order to take care of her. But he squeezed his eyes shut to will away his pending despair. It's not fair. Adel does not deserve this.
He moved Adel's face so that she was looking directly up at him. Her face looked blank, but her eyes focused on his, as if she knew him.
Atton had been a Jedi for many years now, and was now one of the masters. Entering someone's mind was a trick he had learned a long time ago, despite abhorring its practice. This time, he merely wanted to make sure that Adel's mental shields were intact, because that would mean her mind was intact as well.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," He murmured soothingly, "Let me in. I won't hurt you."
He concentrated, and slid into her mind slowly. He was instantly bombarded with chaos. Lights and colors swirled all around, distorting images and feelings. Nothing was coherent—there was no shield at all, let alone an intact one, and everything was a mess of confusion.
He pulled out, breathing heavily. Adel's mind was so scrambled, it was no wonder she could not speak, or move properly. She probably did not even know her own name.
Atton took a deep breath, pushing down the panic. No problem. Adel's mental state—not a problem. She was alive, and he will help her, and so will the other Jedi, and…
Sith, what are we going to do?
He kissed her on the temple, and then bathed her forehead with kisses. If nothing else, if Adel never makes sense of anything ever again, he could make her feel loved, protected, safe. Perhaps that would be its own reward. Adel had suffered so much, had seen so much death—perhaps this mental loss was a fair trade for blissful ignorance. He pressed her to him and squeezed his eyes shut to hold back his tears. Adel should not have to trade anything—she should be joyful and completely aware of everything. Was it too much to ask?
Perhaps it was. Up till last night, he had not even been certain if she would come out alive. Up till about a week and a half ago, he had not been certain if he would ever see her again, alive or dead. Be thankful, you're a fool, you've done so many terrible things that the Force would hardly be disposed to reward you. Be thankful for what you have…
But this wasn't about him. This was about Adel. She should not have to suffer any of this.
It was not fair for her.
A few minutes later, Mandalore came back, with a few soldiers carrying several crates and a large bucket filled with soup.
"What's that?" Atton asked, looking at the dirty bucket dubiously. "She's not much of a warrior right now. If you think she can handle eating filth, you can go to—"
"It's clean on the inside, Jedi," Mandalore drawled, "Believe it or not, we Mandalorians know how to treat the sick. If you're going to keep behaving like this, I'll just feed her and leave you to starve."
Atton sighed. "Sorry," He rubbed his face, "It's just…been a miserable week." Miserable few years. Feeling the need to confide in someone, even a stuck-up arrogant Mandalorian, he went on to reveal, "She's not well. Her mind's…scrambled. A mess. I can't make heads or tails of anything in her head. It's like her thoughts were all jumbled and smeared everywhere."
Mandalore stared at him for a moment, and the Jedi had the distinct sense that under the helmet, the warrior was looking as dismayed as Atton felt.
"Can you do anything?" The other man finally asked.
"I don't know." Atton accepted the bowl from one of the soldiers, "Won't stop me from trying though."
"Maybe it's temporary," Mandalore finally said. "She was in there for a while. It might take her several days."
Atton was afraid of such optimism, but he preferred this to what Mandalore was doing earlier. "Maybe."
Adel sniffed, but did not relinquish her hold around Atton's neck. When Atton freed himself, she did not take the bowl. He wrapped her hands carefully around it, but she wavered even as he held it with her. Her coordination was not good enough to allow her to feed herself, assuming she even understood the concept in the first place.
Atton fed her the soup, blowing first to cool it and carefully lifting it to her lips. Adel bit down on the spoon each time, and Atton wondered if it was because she could not control her jaw very well or if she was trying to eat the spoon. She was swallowing well, however, and was opening her mouth at all the right times, so they managed to avoid a mess. When she finished the bowl, she gave a childlike yawn and pressed herself to him, promptly falling asleep.
"Cute," Mandalore opined, "If she weren't the Exile."
Atton just sighed and began eating his own meal while holding Adel close.
Later, as the rain grew harsher, Atton reclined on his cot with Adel cuddled beside him. Another one of his fantasies come to fruition, but he was not yet ready to come to terms with it. It felt good to hold her like this, like he was protecting her, but his mind was too filled with worry over her mental condition, and what to do now.
Adel remained asleep as he tried to contact the other Jedi, but this time no one answered his transmission at all. He tucked his commlink away and shut his eyes while he stroke Adel's soft air, tucking the Mandalorian blanket around them so she was warm and sheltered.
She can no longer be a Jedi, Said a familiar voice.
Atton was in a dark place, a place he had forgotten and yet knew well. Around him were ancient pillars, supporting the academy at Malachor V. Except…Malachor V was destroyed, and so was the owner of the voice.
He whirled around. In the distance was a blurry figure, pale and cold, its aura slimy and sickly like a bog filled with dead bodies.
You are dead, Atton stated, walking forward, Adel defeated you, just as she defeated that witch of your master.
Darth Sion remained blurry, even though Atton knew him. He laughed a low, rumbling laugh, menacing and cynical.
So the Exile did, Said the Sith Lord, But there is no death. There is the Force.
That's a Jedi's saying, Atton remarked.
They were suddenly in the caves of Korriban, where the bodies of dead Sith littered the place, old bones testifying to their former existence and past exploits. Sion was moving ahead of Atton, and for some reason, the latter felt compelled to follow.
You guard a precious treasure, Fool, Sion murmured as he went, It would be more merciful to kill her, then to subject her to the taint of the world.
Yeah, well you Sith have an odd definition of mercy.
Sion laughed. You speak as if you were not one of us, Killer of Jedi.
They were walking through the halls of the Sith Academy on Korriban.
This is where I first met her, Darth Sion stated.
All of the sudden, Adel was there, dressed in the coarse robes of Jedi with her hair loose and matted to her skin by her sweat, and so was Sion as he was in the past, an undead beast of decaying flesh held together by the Dark Side of the Force. Adel lit her lightsaber, and in that instant Atton saw her the way Sion had at the time, like a goddess in her purity and determination. A flash of that beautiful countenance, that gleam in her eye, and all of the sudden Adel was whirling away and running. Atton sensed Sion's yearning to follow her, to touch her soft cheek, to perhaps hold her to him, but the Sion in the vision remained still. As the Sith assassins around him lunged forward, the dark lord halted them, effectively allowing the Exile to escape.
You let her go, Atton murmured, She told us that. She told us that you told her you loved her. Then, because he was upset and must do something about it, he added, That's not very Sith of you.
The Sion of memory shimmered away and the halls became empty. Beside Atton, the pale wraith laughed, without mirth or joy.
The Sith love, Master Jedi. Our love is that which others cannot understand. However, as darkness and anger is the bane of those who align with the light, light and nobility is the bane of those who align with the dark. All Sith pursue her because we love her, and unlike we fools of the known galaxy, the True Sith know her for what she is, and seek to preserve her instead of destroy her. When they find her again, she will not escape their hold. She will not find the freedom of death, for they will not allow her to leave. They cherish her too much. She will go mad, but forever will she remain in the light, for light is what she chose and what has chosen her.
Atton clenched his hands. Tell me how to save her, He demanded.
Sion did not reply. The vision was starting to fade.
Tell me! The Jedi cried, You loved her too! You still do! I know it! She deserves to be happy, not locked up in some coffin! What was he doing? Was he trying to appeal to a Sith Lord's compassion? But logic flew out the window as his surroundings continued to shimmer away and he called out desperately, You have to help her!
She can no longer be a Jedi, Said Sion.
Atton woke with a gasp. Adel started, blinking awake and whimpering.
"Shh, I'm sorry," Atton hushed her, rubbing her back. "Hush, love." He kissed her forehead. "You're alright."
What an odd dream. No. It was not a dream. Atton was not sure how he felt about knowing that Sith Lord ghosts could invade Jedi's dreams even after they have been dead for so many years, but at least this Sith Lord loved Adel and was somewhat helpful. She can no longer be a Jedi. That is fine. The time for Adel to make sacrifices for the galaxy is long past. It is time for others to take her place. She could retire and live in comfort and reap the benefits of all she had accomplished before. Being a Jedi was all about giving oneself. Adel had nothing left to give. It was time for her to receive.
"You don't need to go back to the Jedi," Atton said to her, "No going back. We'll go away so you can heal and just enjoy yourself. How does that sound?"
Adel stared blankly at him, looking like she understood nothing he said at all.
It was still raining. Atton allowed her to settle back down against him. This time he kept his eyes open, as he listened to her fall back asleep to the background of the wet patter outside.