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Chapter 10

John didn't rest, of course. He wanted to, but couldn't, even the fog of too much drink and medication together back-fired, leaving him wired instead. What he wanted, really wanted, was to talk to Anna but accepted she needed space from him tonight. Discouraged, he set about walking the hotel and found himself in the lobby. He was surprised to discover Robert alone at a table in the Green Bar, John walked toward him, "I thought you'd be in bed by now."

"What are you doing here?" Robert was both pleased and confused.

"I checked in earlier,…booked a room anticipating we would stay here after dinner."

"Thought you would have stayed at your mother's."

"No, Its time to move on from there. I'm going to sell. I've already packed out."

Robert nodded in agreement, "That's probably best…. Is Anna with you?"

"No…"

"Join me then…what would you like?"

"Just water."

Robert gave him a curious look, "I came down for a nightcap while Cora was on the phone with the girls…You don't mind if I...", He motioned to his cocktail.

"Of course not, I just…I need to clear my head."

"Did you have dinner with Anna?"

"We didn't…turns out she was more than rattled about today. I think she's having second thoughts about me."

Robert finished off his bourbon and raised his hand for another. "Cora and I rather like her…do you want to work things out with her?"

"I do, but its complicated. She's unlike anyone…but that's a good thing."

"How so?"

"She's not easily manipulated. In fact, I don't want to manipulate her, I like that she's strong."

"You realize you just admitted that you manipulate people?"

"Don't we all? To some end? At least in some areas of our lives…"

Robert thought for moment, "I prefer to call it persuasion."

"You can dress the word up all you want, but the meaning is still the same. In our nature, we are selfish. We want what we want, and we move about life trying to get what we want …except for Anna, she isn't like that at all."

"And what is it that you want?"

"With Anna, I think I'm too focused on what I don't want. I don't want her to be apart from me. I don't want her to leave for a month. I don't want her to go to Africa where it isn't safe. And most of all, I don't want her to be around other men… And if all those things don't make me sound like the most selfish prick…then I don't know what does."

"I don't hear selfish in your words John…I hear fear."

John tilted his head at Robert, "Maybe I will have that drink…"

Robert raised his hand to the server to indicate two more drinks.

"Cut yourself some slack though mate, look at everything you've been through the past few years. I'd be hiding from everyone I knew if I were in your shoes, dripping with fear and wondering where the hell the next hit was coming from…not to mention, this grief routine is early in the process."

"Grief routine?"

"Think about it …when I lost my dog Isis, I went off course for weeks afterward. For gods sake, that was a dog. You just lost your mother."

"Its bad timing for a new relationship then, isn't it?"

"Probably, but you're both adults, so put everything on the table. If Anna is having second thoughts tonight, you need to clear this up in the morning, and if you've done something to screw things up - come clean."

"Is it really that simple?"

Robert laughed. "God I don't know…ask Cora, that's where I get all my good advice, I'm just quoting her really." The server brought their drinks to the table. "I will say this though…there's something about Anna, that you'd be hard pressed to find in any other woman."

"I already know that, and couldn't agree more…I just hope it's not too late."

The following morning John was eating an early breakfast at the cafe when Cora came down. "Do you mind if I join you? Robert already left for an appointment and I rather hate eating alone."

"I would love if you joined me. Please." He stood to pull a chair out for her and called the server for more coffee.

"John, Robert told me about your conversation last night, I hope you don't mind if I bring it up."

"I don't mind at all…in fact, I would like you to tell me what Anna overheard yesterday at the club…and I need to know everything."

Cora repeated the slanderous conversation word for word while John listened intently. He looked away for a moment before adding, "And then the first thing she saw right afterward was me with them…and I'll admit, I was a little drunk and not as controlled with them as I should have been. I lost my head a bit yesterday.

"Its understandable John, who acts completely normal at a funeral anyway?"

John laughed slightly in agreement then folded his arms as he sat back in the chair. "The truth is Cora…there are some elements of truth to what they said, and I'm not proud of it. I used beautiful women to escape the loneliness. I needed to escape it, in order to breath. Now I realize, all I did was create a deeper loneliness. I can't expect Anna, or anyone to fill that hole in my life."

"No John, that wouldn't be fair, and more importantly, it isn't possible."

"I've thought about this most of the night…There are consequences for every choice we make and I'm afraid my lousy behavior from the past year is returning to haunt me."

The server interrupted to attend to Cora, and she turned to ask for toast and a poached egg.

"Don't be too hard on yourself John. You also made selfless choices too. Really selfless choices - Giving up an entire year of your life so you could look after your mother, moving here, putting your life in Downton and your career on hold all this time. I imagine it had to be very lonely going through all of that and assuming a strong face day after day for her sake." John played with the corner of his cloth napkin, lost in thought for a moment. "She was very proud of you, you know that right?" Cora continued, "Your mother spoke of little else to Robert besides how proud she was of you…"

"She wouldn't be very proud right now…she met Anna you know, a few times actually. Mother saw something in Anna rather quickly, something I suspect we all see in Anna, but she reminded me that every once in a while, we are given a flame to light the way, but if we don't take care, the flame will go out… I may have snuffed that flame already."

"John, I don't believe you have. But if you don't want Anna to slip through your fingers, you need to go after her, and you need to tell her the whole truth. It does me no good to hear it."

John smiled at Cora, wiped his mouth with a napkin and threw it on the table. "I'm sorry to leave you, but I'm taking your advise," and with a slight smile of appreciation, he kissed her cheek and left for his room to pack.

Anna was adjusting the sheets around Elsie and tucking her in the bed after they enjoyed a long breakfast together downstairs. Both Charles and Anna insisted Elsie take it easy for a few more days at least, but she was growing a bit frustrated and demanded, "Let's stop worrying and fussing over me and talk about you for a moment Anna. This thing you mentioned with John at breakfast, can it be resolved?"

"I don't know."

"Would you like it to be?"

"I really don't know if it can be…I'm someone who grew up in a very particular way and become a very particular person."

"Yes, you're particular Anna, even peculiar. But there are other sides of you too. There's the intelligent, dependable everyday you. The one who articulates plans for surgery and intricately performs them. Then there is the relaxed you - hopefully we'll be seeing that you a little more often, and then there's the compassionate you. The one who drops everything to help someone they love, or even someone they don't know very well. Someone like John…and that you is usually very understanding."

"But I don't know if he's just looking for a distraction right now…when I want something more."

"So you're not sure if he's being sincere in his pursuit of you or just flirting with you to get you in the sack?"

"Elsie…That's rather embarrassing…but yes. that's exactly it."

"My dear, I'm just trying to cut to the chase…I'm not getting any younger, and neither are you."

Anna looked out the window for a moment, clearly there was more on her mind and Elsie decided it was time to speak up about something very important.

"Anna… I've watched you your whole life, avoiding men, not getting too close, looking intricately for reasons not to fall in love…and I do believe you've behaved this way because of deep wounds from the loss of your folks. You never want to get too close to anyone because of that…but I'm telling you right now, you need to stop running. We can neither run from our emotions nor our fears. I don't want your life to be something that just passes. I want you to love deeply, and live deeply and have someone set your life on fire…and I think John does that very thing, doesn't he?"

Anna smiled, her secret was clear to Elsie. "How did you know?"

"Because I'm old…and I know everything."

Anna kissed and hugged Elsie, then sat back asking, "How do I do this? I forced him away."

"Go to him dear. You owe him that much. He's been nothing but a gentleman to you from what you've said, but talk to him about your past… and tell him the truth."

Anna was about to send John a text but when she grabbed her phone realized he had already sent her one which stated: I need to see you Anna.

She responded: Are you still at the Royal? I want to see you too

Can I come to you?

Yes

On my way

Less than an hour later John arrived at the Carson's home where Anna quickly met him at the front door. He looked pained, but not physically. Though clearly tired, he stood very still and she could see a misting in his eyes which he blinked away at once. Clearing his throat he asked, "May I please come in?"

The relief he felt when she reached for him was intense. As he stepped into the house, Anna threw her arms around his neck and John sensed an element of remorse and longing. She had missed him. And she needed him just as much as he needed her.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I shouldn't have pushed you away last night."

"That's what you needed Anna. I understand."

"I panicked."

"I'm sorry if I caused you to feel that way."

"We have a lot to sort out…"

"Yes, we do…but first, can I insist on something?" He pulled back so he could look in her eyes.

She said nothing, but offered a look of surrender.

"Go to Downton with me. Right now. Get your things…and let's go. We can talk on the way, or we can talk once we're there…But let's go away together like we planned."

With some hesitation Anna nodded in agreement, "Alright."

She turned and ran upstairs to pack a few bags. John waited near the door, pacing somewhat. He felt nervous and relieved, excited and overwhelmed. At least she agreed to go with him. They could work everything else out by talking. He tried to assure himself.

They made the long drive to his home in Downton with only the effort of small talk. It was somewhat awkward and both felt the tension. Anna started a two hour music playlist to ease the strain of the trip. She had important things to convey, truths to be spoken about herself and what she needed from John, but the car was not the place to share this. For himself, John knew he had confessions to make and worried Anna would hate him after she heard the truth. They both mentally practiced what and how they would tell the other.

Hours later John made a turn and started up a long tree lined drive, "We're here," he announced. They continued the slow drive in silence but soon John noticed Anna's face bloom with awe as she viewed the 35 acre estate. There were multiple private ponds and gardens adorned with large sculptures of stone and metal. When the trees finally opened to reveal a spectacular set of buildings, the main homestead surrounded by smaller outbuildings and a very large barn Anna finally spoke, "I don't know what I expected…I guess when I spent time with you at your mother's humble little cottage, I just continued to think of you that way. But this…this is incredible", and for the first time, she began to see the life of an internationally renowned artist unfold around her. Anna asked about the barn near the house, "What's that?"

"That's my studio. We'll go there later." He put the car into park and turned to face her. "Anna, I want you to know something…I've never brought anyone here before. This is my little oasis, my very special part of the world that I keep secure, and all to myself."

"No one?" She asked doubting.

"Just family. And the Crawleys of course." He hesitated to say, but knew she needed to also hear, "but no other women, not ever."

She smiled slightly. "Thank you, for telling me and for bringing me here."

They made their way into the house and Anna's face was beaming. The open rooms offered a sense of comforting warmth dramatized with clean design and curves everywhere, there seemed to be few straight lines. The interior walls curved toward the visual heart of the house - the stairs - which wind high and above through three levels, and remain open the entire way. She continued to walk around quietly soaking in the eclectic styling and masterful pieces of art. John clearly had an appreciation for stone and tile and used it to accent throughout the house.

"This is extraordinary John, I'm impressed…"

John laughed. "Thank you. Now do you have some idea why I wanted to leave London?"

She was still looking around the house in amazement, and up at the towering rafters and focussing on nothing in particular but soaking everything in at once - feeling a child-like bliss. "Keep looking around Anna, I'll get our bags from the car."

Anna turned a corner and stepped down into a room with leather swivel chairs, a bronze-cast stump of wood and a 10 foot picture window where she saw the reflection of a man standing behind her. It wasn't John and upon realizing it screamed in surprise.

"Don't be startled, …but I'm wondering, should you be in here?" He asked.

"I…I don't know. I'm with John."

"Mr. Bates is here?"

John came rushing back around the corner, "What happened?" then noticed the man, "Oh, hello Thomas."

"Bates."

"I'm sorry, I should have called to let you know we were coming."

"No problem for me, but I think I scared the living wits out of your lady friend here."

"Anna, this is Thomas, he manages the property when I'm not here."

"Anna?"

"Yes."

"Very nice to meet you, and I'm sorry I surprised you." He turned toward John, "Can I help you with your bags?"

"Sure. That would be helpful. You know where mine go, and Anna will be staying in the guest room upstairs…the one with the fireplace."

"I'm sorry about your mother, I heard the news just last night."

"Thank you Thomas."

"Will you be staying long?"

"I'm back for good, but we'll cover details later."

"You know where to find me," and Thomas left to retrieve their luggage.

John turned around to find Anna looking at framed photos near his baby grand piano. He walked down three stone steps and slowly across the hard wood toward her but couldn't pass the piano without touching a few keys. She turned to smile at him, "Will you play something?"

He sat easily and began to arpeggiate a rather quickly flowing melody but paused a moment to remove his coat. "Is that something you've composed?" she asked admiringly.

"No…its called Careful Hearts by Josh Kramer." And he proceeded to play it again, this time without stopping. How fitting, Anna thought as she moved around the piano and stood behind him, she loved watching him become lost to the music, and this piece captivated her mood.

After sometime Anna felt drawn to John and slowly slid her arms around his broad shoulders. She leaned in, pulled by the gravity of his aftershave and the mix of emotions stirring inside her, she rested her forehead against his hair while he continued. But after some time John was so distracted by her closeness that he couldn't continue playing. He grabbed her arms and turned himself around on the bench pulling her onto his lap at the same time, then lavished her with kisses until she cried.

He paused to move them to the nearby couch in front of the picture window, where they sat closely facing each other. "Why the tears Anna?" He asked tenderly.

"Because I'm afraid."

"Tell me…"

"What if everything turns out to be true about you?"

"…do you mean yesterday?"

She looked at him and nodded.

"It can't. Because it isn't. Not in the way you've heard."

"I didn't want to believe any of it, but when I saw how comfortable you looked with them afterward…"

"Cora told me the full detail of what you overheard. And I'm embarrassed and quite honestly afraid to admit there is some element of truth to it. And I've acted like a fool for so long that sometimes I slip back into that routine. I'm not proud of it Anna…in fact I hate myself for it now."

"So you were…are," she corrected herself, "a playboy then?"

"I would never call myself that… No. But this past year was the loneliest I've ever been, and there were times when, I'm ashamed to admit… I used women and alcohol to subdue myself from reality for a bit…I haven't been with anyone in several months, and that's the truth. I haven't drank all that much either, and I'm sure that's a big part of it too."

Anna was quiet while she processed what he had just admitted to her. After some time passed, John hesitantly asked, "Do you hate me? I wouldn't blame you if you did…"

"I don't hate you," she spoke softly, "But I want to be more than just another notch in your belt."

"You already are Anna. Much more… After the night we met I wanted to be around you as much as possible, and now, I find my thoughts consumed by you…and if you recall, I'm the one who stopped us from making love the other day, because I do want more than just a moment between the sheets with you."

"You've blind-sided me John. And that doesn't happen. I'm always controlled, on mission and focused…but not with you. With you I'm emotional, and hesitant and unreasonable. And that scares me more than anything."

"Why? Why does that scare you?"

"Because I know I'm falling for you."

John smiled, relieved to hear her say it, "but that's a good thing Anna…a wonderful thing…"

"Do you know why I'm not experienced with men?"

"I have some idea…being a surgeon is demanding, you're selfless and give your time away to international work, your career demanded all of you, you -"

"Stop." Anna interrupted him, "Yes, all those things are true to a point. But Elsie reminded me today that I've stopped my life many times from moving forward in order to avoid ever being hurt…the way I was when my parents died."

John's face fell with sadness, "God Anna, you were so young…I hadn't really considered the consequence of that."

"All my life I've allowed myself to run from everyone who tried to love me and when there was a man pursuing me, I managed to quickly find a reason to end it, every time."

"And I've given you that reason haven't I?"

"You have."

"But you're here now…Will you give me a second chance Anna? I promise you, I'm not the man I was this past year, I'm not him at all."

"I think deep down, I know that."

"Let me love you then, the way you deserve to be loved. The way you so desperately need to be loved…"

Anna put a hand over her mouth and released another flood of tears, and John didn't wait for her answer before pulling her against his chest. She finally caught her breath and whispered, "It won't be easy to love me John."

"Loving you is easy Anna…doing it right is what's hard. But I'm willing to do it well, if you'll just let me."