Resurfaced
A year, and I can't think of anything to say. Actually, it's more of what I'm avoiding saying, the wild exaggerated imaginings that must be going through his head at this point. I could barely keep a grip on the phone the way I'm shaking. I've been dreaming of a reunion for so long. There were minor discrepancies in this fantasy come true. We weren't face to face, and Yusei sat next to me, not having the foresight to give us privacy. In fact . . .
"Put in on speaker," Yusei suggested as if playing the part of parental guardian. I didn't have the nerve to make him leave the room, not at his place and with me holding his phone. I obeyed if only to savor the moment better. With a press of a button, Jack appeared, staring at me objectively.
"I tried to call you on your phone. After hearing an angry Portuguese woman yell at me for a good five minutes, I figured you lost it or something," He explained slightly irrate. A mild grimace graced his features before shifting to a more agreeable countenance.
"I've been led to believe some very outrageous things. So much so that I thought you might be here, and I was right. Yet, here I see the two of you simply sitting next to each other. Stupid guys," Jack muttered. Right, the reason he really called.
"You've been away a while Jack," Yusei asserted, and I shot him a look. His hand began to slip behind my back, but I manage to catch it. In a familiar struggle, I leaned close to straighten him out, despite how it might look to the outside party looking in.
"Behave," I hissed. There was absolutely no need for further feigned intimacy. Then again, Jack easily interpreted the situation differently.
"I see," He scoffed in annoyance.
"Carly, we need to talk alone," He pressed icily. I dreaded what Yusei would do. Except, he complied, baring a secretive smile at Jack.
"Sure, Jack, after all, I can talk with her anytime," Yusei told him cheerfully. He shook my hair playfully on his way out. I must admit he triggered Jack's petty nature easily. Jack grumbled something I didn't quite catch, except it ended with no good brother.
"Jack, why did you never call me?" I asked tentatively, bypassing his interrogation. After a year, I deserve to go first. Jack blanched unprepared for such a thing, a question whose answer would sound bad no matter how he put it. Regret etched into his usually confidant manner.
"You haven't been on my mind. No one has really. There was something Sherry told me that made me think of you," Jack confessed. He waited for me to react. I shouldn't indulge him, not when he outright admitted forgetting me. Then, there was the matter of the matching blonde that had been at his side for countless photos in countless magazines. My curiosity got the better of me.
"What?" I asked in a softer tone than I intended. The hope which filled me wasn't exactly unwelcome.
"Sherry and I don't get along, angry little shrew that she is. During practice, we were completely out of synch and kept crashing. Pissed, she asked me where the hell my heart was. I told her it was with you," He finished poetically. He steals my heart every time. He manages to mesh the right amount of selfishness and charm. I want to forgive him, and yet.
"I've missed you so much, but you haven't missed me at all. You don't care about me if you hadn't heard those stupid rumors you wouldn't even have called," I realized as the familiar droplets ran down my face. I had wanted him to say he loved me. I had wanted uplifting music in the background. I had wanted us to embrace. I only received a call as an afterthought.
"Don't you ever say that. I do care about you," He shouted without meaning to. His voice quieted by the end of the sentence. My fists clenched, and I glared. He cared enough to let me nurse him back to health. He cared enough for me to pay for his coffee. He cared enough to leave me without any way to contact him. He never called, even when he could have reached me at any time.
"What have you ever done for me?" I screamed, exhibiting pent up frustration. I'm the one always doing things for him.
"I saved you, and loved you even when you tried to kill me. I held you while you were dying in my arms. Everything I'm doing is because you told me to," He raged as if he were talking to an ungrateful child. I... I died. I hurt him, no wonder he ran away from me. I dropped to the floor violently, clutching my stomach as if the acids were pouring out. Jack realized the error in reminding me of it all.
"Carly, it wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have said anything," Jack berated himself. I heard the words, but I killed them all. He expects me to blame someone else. Who? Divine. I almost killed him too. I even regretted that. Incoherent shrieks escaped me. Everything came at once, what I did and what I thought to do. Aslla Piscu only had to entice me with promises of love. And for what? For my undying love to simply vanish the moment I met someone else. I'm so fickle. A week, maybe two, and I fall for another guy. I could probably try again and end up with the same result.
In my mind, I fell further and further. My heart pounded as I anticipated the landing and the sickening crack that would follow. I never got that far as I began to crumple into dust. My wailing settled into whimpers as the memories began to overwhelm me. The bad with the good. The good with the bad. Misty's tender embrace along with our storming of the Arcadian building to exact proper assassinations. The alien joy that came from seeing Divine fall to his doom as he had once done to me. Satisfaction at seeing our marks wound the city so. Jack, how he consumed my mind. How the bird crooned and encouraged the sickly dementia. I couldn't fathom why it picked me. They couldn't fathom why it picked me. There was a tousle between the dark signers that followed. The boys against the girls until we tried Rudger's patience. We marched down to our respective rooms, and I felt a warmth stemming from their approval. I fought well they told me. I became the pet, the mascot. In the months before the battle, I considered them my family. Kiryu gave me presents every day. Demak scheduled field trips which even Rudger would begrudgingly attend. How it all fell apart, true, it needed to fall apart, but despite the cruelness of my actions, the next set of recollections pained me the most. Oh, the unspeakable dread I felt when one by one my family fell to their respective signers and the confidence and certainty I held when Jack rolled by in his D-wheel. Surely, he meant to be with me. The vision of what I thought was ideal, heck, isn't it better than how we ended up? At least, we were happy. I sobbed uncontrollably. Great, I prefer hell to this, how horrible and lonely.
"Carly," He shouted and had been shouting since I withdrew into my self loathing. The longing, the selfish longing for him, and I lost him because of it. The blood, not everyone was simply relieved of their soul. I hurled.
"Carly," He hollered desperately. My first time alone, so scared of what I would do, I was the bad guy. Jack would hate me. I thought of the bird's promise, and how I clung to that hellish nightmare and my unspeakable actions after. I would spend the nights creeping into Jack's room to watch him. I killed people without question. Even, the things done in jest like pushing Kiryu off the bridge was too much.
"Yusei" I cried and fell when I tried to stand again. No one answered. I fell into incoherent screaming again when he didn't come. Finally, he resurfaced from upstairs. The walls must be thick. Someone could have murdered me by the time he came down. Knifing myself seemed tempting actually, the one way the memories would stop. Out of breath from dashing downstairs, he examined me worriedly. I convulsed involuntarily.
"Carly," He tried again, but Yusei was the one who responded.
"Goodbye Jack," He replied coldly and hung up. He lifted me from the ground. I examined the tiles as we traveled upstairs, lots of fixed cracks, but they were still there. Cool sheets on my skin, I sank into the bed, his bed. No, I can't, not with you. Are you laughing in hell bird? I tried to get up. He held me in place.
"Stay down. Tell me what happened," He ordered. I hid myself in the sheets. The dark reminded me of my previous black irises. I scrambled out of the sheets, hyperventilating. How pitiful, I'll likely be afraid of the dark now.
"I remember, and I wish I didn't." I told him flatly. He nodded gravely.
"You can stay here for the night if you'd like. I don't think you'll want to be alone tonight," He offered. I laid back down in response. He rubbed my back soothingly, and admittedly, my insipid thoughts had quieted.
"I'll be in the room next store. Sweet dreams, Carly," Yusei wished me good night, but hesitated outside the door. I'd become drowsy from his constant reassuring touch.
"Mhmm," I mumbled. The door closed, and I drifted into the dark abyss. The peace didn't last long. Fevered dreams plagued me, and I awoke with vivid truths and imaginings circling my head. I thought I heard Aslla Piscu cackle. No way, I'm risking that being my over active imagination. I jumped out of bed and ran into Yusei's room. I shook him awake. He vaguely searched for what I assume was the off button on the alarm clock. I tugged at his shirt, and he turned over with a grunt.
"Yusei, I had a nightmare. Can I stay with you?" I asked uneasily. He opened an eye and tilted his head like he didn't understand why I was at his house in the first place. Slowly, his mental functions awoke, and he registered the question.
"Okay, although it completely defeats the purpose of sleeping in Crow's old room," He commented with a yawn. I nestled in and hugged him tightly. He buried his head in the pillows. I couldn't help but ask.
"You don't have the mark anymore, but the dragon would do you a favor hypothetically right? If something bad happened," I pressed with fresh paranoia. He stared at the ceiling and thought about it.
"Hypothetically, I suppose so," He replied, only half awake. I sighed in relief. I attempted to sleep again. Surely, I would sleep well as long as a Signer was with me.
"Carly, wake up. Everything is okay, stop struggling," Yusei assured me anxiously. Hmm, what? I noticed my hands wrapped around his neck. I gingerly released him.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. I'm nothing but trouble. He threw himself back on the bed and rubbed his bruised neck.
"I'm fine, go back to sleep," He said, brushing off the situation. I laid back down, reluctantly, and made sure to not touch him this time. Let him be alive in the morning. I prayed until I ceased to think consciously.
"Shh shh, don't cry. I'm here. There is no reason to cry. You can't take it back that way. You're just making me upset. Do you want me to be upset?" He argued. I shook my head. Knowing there was a flaw to his reasoning but at three a.m., I wished that I'd go into deep sleep already. He held me close, and his steady breathing calmed me.
"Close your eyes, you're taking pictures for a nature shoot. You have to focus, or the animals will run away," He insisted. But I'm a reporter, what sort of story could I possibly make centering animals? A scandal, a plea to save the environment before it's too late, an informative issue on the nature that surrounds us, I yawned. The forest setting did the trick.
An empty bed greeted me this morning. I slipped out of the covers. I hadn't changed into any sleeping ware so I was all set technically. Half stumbling and taking it one step at a time, I traveled precariously downstairs. My head throbbed full of my previous villainous intentions. The living area was empty. I heard rumblings of tools going off. Seeing an opportunity for an easy exit, my flight instinct took over.
I returned to my apartment, knees scraped and head bruised from bumping my head on my cab, not once but twice. Attending to some practical needs, I found myself by the mirror. I lifted my glasses thinking I might find empty black pools. Unsure blue grey eyes stared back at me. Listless, I crawled into bed. A large chunk of my life had been returned to me and I didn't know how to deal with it. True, Jack had told me he loved me, but to my dark self, the one with the pretty eyes and revealing clothes. Once that was over, slowly but surely, he lost any desire to be with me. My eyes turned to the closet. I had an idea.
I opened the closet and ignored my usual wardrobe. I stood on my tippy toes and pulled out a box from the dusty corner. Lifting the lid, I avoided the deck of cards which seemed to whisper hello. Perhaps, I'd answer them someday. Producing a fluid robe from the box, I examined the orange trimming. I almost returned the ensemble back into the dark corner where I left it. But, I had to know if it made a difference.
The outfit hugged my body nicely. I barely felt the cloth on my skin. Briefly, I wondered if it held magical properties. No, I knew quite well where any mysticism lay in the apartment. I realized that maybe the closet remained protected by more than mere chance. I'm the spitting image of before, minus the glasses. It happened that Misty had insisted on procuring a pair of contacts for me. She said she couldn't stand the thought of never seeing those pretty eyes again. I put them on.
I drove down to Yusei's place. Once again, I heard power tools fast at work. I smiled, at least, he hadn't noticed I left. I walked in and tapped his shoulder. He jumped slightly, quickly covering what he was working on with a sheet.
"Hello Carly, are you feeling better?" He asked with an air of concern. He hadn't turned around.
"Look at me," I instructed, suddenly nervous. He hadn't been all too nice to Demak. I might start getting the same treatment. Cleaning his face first, he obeyed and stopped cold.
"Do I look any different?" I asked, sounding vulnerable. This was stupid. My theory would only earn me a scolding.
"No," He noted with a shrug and started putting away his tools.
"You wanted to go somewhere," Yusei asked, looking me up and down. Oh, I wasn't expecting that.
"Okay," I chirped, accidentally flapping my arms like a bird. He chuckled and took my hand.
"There isn't anything bothering you?" He wondered, trying not to look at the outfit but failing. I'd relaxed since yesterday's mental break down. The damage caused by it hadn't disappeared, but I wasn't immobilized by the memories anymore.
"Well, a lot of things started to make sense in retrospect. For example, Misty doesn't like me being to close to the edge of buildings because I died falling off of one." I told him, not thinking much of it. Except that since regaining my memories I had the overwhelming urge to see them all again. I'd give Demak a hug next time saw him.
"You fell off by accident didn't you?" He accused in exasperation. We were standing next to his bike. I tried to think of somewhere to go.
"No, I was investigating the Acardia building and got caught," I said nonchalantly. Yusei frowned as he settled into the seat of his D-wheel.
"Someone pushed you out the building, who?" He asked, an alien edge to his voice. I should've known mentioning the event would lead to more questions. I joined him on the bike tiredly.
"Divine, he got swallowed by a lizard; so let's just drop it, okay. I've had to process a lot since yesterday," I begged, finding mentions of my past draining. He uttered an agreement while clenching the bike handles.
"Please be more careful at least," He said, attempting a compromise. I nodded and Yusei took that as a cue to kick start the bike. Drifting along the road for a while, we eventually arrived at the park.
"I thought you'd like to be some place quiet. You took off in a hurry this morning," He said as he helped me out of the seat. So, he had noticed.
"Thank you," I said as I took a deep breath. Yusei guided me away from the laughing children and gossiping parents to a nice little clearing full of flowers. I choose not to ask how he found the place. I wouldn't like the answer.
The atmosphere proved a useful meditative place. We laid in the grass exposed to the wonderful fragrance of flowers. We didn't speak, and somehow, I avoided getting lost in my recent turmoil.
Yusei stared into my eyes the entire time. So, maybe, Jack's response had been instinctual, overriding commonsense. It hadn't been love, and neither was this.
"It's nice knowing what your thinking," He said unexpectedly, turning over to stretch. Yusei sat up, and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"But, you don't have to try so hard. What you wear doesn't matter, it doesn't make you evil, and I don't trust you any less knowing what I know," He comforted me. I embraced him. Right until our end, I got along splendidly with my god despite all its flaws. I couldn't help but think. Oh Piscu, I think you'd like him.