Disclaimer – I do not own Star Wars (sadly).

A/N – I am having so much fun writing this story! I hope you're enjoying it too. I don't have a beta so I hope I got most of the corrections needed. Thank you so much for reading.

Chapter 10

The next morning, Kylo Ren woke up suddenly, as though shaken from his slumber. He had not dozed off until the early morning, his thoughts and heart racing at what Neri had told him and how he had acted in response. He had sought out her energy again and again, but she had shut herself off to him as she had done upon their first meeting. He looked for her throughout the ship, scaring stormtroopers and droids with his erratic behavior, and finally collapsed into his bed at three. She was nowhere to be found. He realized that he was worried about what could have happened to her, thought that perhaps Hux or worse had found her. It would be entirely his fault if she were hurt.

He felt her before he saw her, her defenses finally lowered. As he sat up in his bed, still wearing his rumpled clothes from the night before, his eyes found her in her usual chair by the door. She was still, quiet, and he wondered how he had not woken when she came into the room.

He stumbled out of the bed and walked quickly, clumsily to her side, stopping a few feet away. His shaking hands smoothed his bedhead anxiously, and he could not think of anything to say. He must have looked a fool, a pathetic fool at that moment. He had rushed to her before composing himself, had given no thought to his self-preservation.

She did not look at him. "I have come to accept my punishment," she said flatly, her voice hoarse. She did not look it, but she had been crying the better part of the night, her eyes only just losing their redness.

Punishment? He was momentarily astounded. He had acted abysmally and she expected punishment? What a monster he had become. He kneeled next to the chair, his face level with her, and cleared his throat.

"There is no punishment," he assured her, his voice pleading. He found himself not caring about how he looked, what the others on the ship or even Supreme Leader thought of him. This woman was his only connection to feeling human, the only one to truly assume the best of him in a long time. He craved her good opinion, was crushed that he had lost it.

Her voice retained its robotic tone; her eyes glazed over. "I was insubordinate to my teacher, my master. I deserve punishment. I will not fight you again. I will do as you say." She was not herself and he hated it. He hated the possibility that he had smothered the fire he knew was in her, the fire that drew him in like a moth.

Kylo reached his hand out to grasp hers, to make her move in any way, but he let it drop into his lap, sinking down onto his legs with it. "I should not have acted in such a way. It was…inhuman of me. I acted as you and everyone else expects me to act, and I am ashamed." He looked at his hands, feeling unworthy of her. It felt strange, foreign, and he wondered if this was the root of all weakness. Inadequacy, his constant companion.

He heard her movement but did not look up, unsure of how he must conduct himself. He flinched when he felt her hand atop his head, small and fragile like a bird. She touched him tentatively, fingertips just brushing his knotted hair, and he shuddered at the thoughts that coursed through his mind. He did not deserve to have them.

"Are you apologizing to me?" she asked, bewildered.

He raised his head, causing her to pull back her hand. "Yes," he said bluntly. He would apologize for every wrong in his life if it made her stop looking at him in that way. "I was unable to handle the truth, to handle the…enormity of my actions. You confronted me with my own past and I was not man enough to face it. I am sorry." His voice was low, the words strange in his mouth. He could not remember apologizing to anyone, save Supreme Leader Snoke, in years, but here he was, bearing his heart to a woman he owed nothing to.

But that wasn't entirely true. She had saved his life, spared him his final judgment on the Starkiller base. She had the opportunity to end his wretched existence and did not. He owed her everything.

"I forgive you," she whispered, as though she barely wanted him to hear it. "For…everything."

There was a dull ache in his chest, a tightness he could not place. "I do not deserve that," he replied sullenly, knowing it to be the truth. He had done more, would do more, than could be forgiven with one utterance. He bore his heart to her then but knew, in the back of his mind, that the call to the dark was strong. He knew that he was too weak to resist it.

"All men deserve redemption."

Kylo finally looked at her, taken aback by his father's words coming from her mouth. He noticed her cracked lips, the bags beneath her eyes.

"Where did you go last night?" he asked, not moving from his spot. He was afraid to budge, did not want to scare her away again. "I could not sense you."

Her lips ticked upward slightly. "Are you impressed?" she asked lightly, her voice hiding the fatigue she felt. "I did not want you to find me. I heard you calling my name and... I was afraid. I thought you meant to kill me."

His face crumpled at this, knowing that he might have taken her life if she had remained near him. She was wise to run away; he could not be trusted. "Where did you sleep?"

"I didn't."

He tried again. "Where did you stay?"

She blushed. "A closet. I'm not sure what floor it is on."

He smiled downwardly at her resourcefulness. All of the closets were locked, opened only by the droids. She must have forced her way in. "Did anyone see you?"

She set her jaw. "No. Your reputation is sound."

He glanced at her and then at the floor, repelled by the look in her eye. "I did well enough tarnishing my reputation on my own last night, thank you." He heard her laugh, a small, beautiful sound. "I just wanted to be sure that…no one found you. You left your knife."

"I was alone master. I did not see anyone of consequence."

"Do not call me that." The words were harsh, came out of his mouth before he thought of them.

"But you said-"

"Yes, I know what I said. I changed my mind. Do not call me that unless you are before Supreme Leader."

"Why?"

He groaned in frustration. "Just because Neri, must I explain my every thought to you?"

She smiled at his frustration, unafraid of him. She had seen much worse the night before. "Yes," she said playfully.

He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself to be patient. He would be a better man to her than he had been. "You have had enough masters for one life. I do not want to be…associated with them. You've already cut your hair off to begin this servitude, I don't need any more parallels."

She was silent and he glanced up at her, not knowing what her face would hold. He did not expect confusion.

"I chose to do this," she said sturdily, as though trying to convince herself. "I chose to serve you and chose to cut my hair. I told you, I couldn't get past the blood."

"Knots are just knots Neri. You could have gotten them out."

"Some obstacles are best removed. They weren't worth the pain."

"Wise words," he said thoughtfully, mulling them over.

She laughed and he felt his chest relax. "It's just hair." She was quiet for another moment. "What do you want me to call you?"

He shrugged. "What do you want to call me?"

She tilted her head down, looking at him through her eyelashes. If she was trying to make his pulse race, she was succeeding. "I cannot call you that," she said, her voice cautious.

"Call me what?" he felt spellbound, pulled in again by her. She could call him anything and he would allow it at that moment.

"Ben," she said, reaching her hand out to touch her fingertips to his flushed cheeks. Her eyes were warm and he noticed that they were especially blue in the dim light of his rooms.

His face became stony. She could call him anything. Anything but that. "Ben Solo is-"

Her hand retracted. "Dead. Yes." She was succinct, shut off once more. "I will call you Kylo," she said, not pressing the issue.

"Neri-" he began, not entirely sure of what he was going to say.

She interrupted him, standing and stepping away from his kneeling form. "There is nothing to discuss. I misspoke. When do we resume my training?"

The harsh tone of her voice made Kylo feel torn, unsure of what he wanted. When she said his name…his former name, he thought he could be that man. When he looked down at his hands, scarred by his many endeavors as a servant to Snoke and the First Order, he knew he could not be. He searched for indifference within himself and stood, towering above her.

"I will get ready. Eat."

They spent the remainder of the day in silence.