A/N: Hey...I apologize for the wait. But if I put out chapters when I'm not in the right mood...I feel like they can suffer. Plus, I'm in the middle of quitting my job/job searching.

Don't worry, though! I love this story the most.. AND I've written the end of this story already, so I WILL see it through!

I rewrote chapter 9 a bit because I was unhappy with the result, and...because I messed up my chapter order a bit, I reposted this chapter as chapter 10. I hope you reread and like it better. And thanks for sticking with me!

Hikaru was sitting, shaken up, on their bed, staring at him the moment he opened the bathroom door, and their eyes met. "Kaor-"

Kaoru held up a hand to stop him, and glared. It wasn't too hard to pretend to be angry when it wasn't completely fake. He was was angry at Hikaru for being such an idiot. For not understanding like he used to, for caring more about the other people in their lives than himself. Whether it was a worthy anger, or not. It hurt. He had hurt him.

And it made him mad.

Hikaru watched with desperate eyes as Kaoru began to pack his things into a suitcase.

"Kao...where are you going? Kaoru!" Hikaru got up immediately and while Kaoru retreived clothes from their closet, he dumped the suitcase of its contents, furthering Kaoru's anger. "WHAT the HELL do you think you're doing?!"

Hikaru looked hesitant but angry as well. "You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me where you're going" He winced at the look of unbridled fury that came upon his brother's face as he harshly snatched the suitcase from Hikaru and began to repack.

"Ka-"

"Hikaru, if you care for me at all. You will let me go." Kaoru snapped. "I'm just going to the guest room."

"I..."Hikaru looked frustrated, beginning to pace and huff. Glancing over warily at Kaoru between each stride. It would've been comical to Kaoru, had he not been so upset.

Once Kaoru was done packing he wheeled the suitcase out through the door, down the hall and into the other room. Tailed by Hikaru who no longer said a word. Just looked on worriedly.

It was once Kaoru shut the door in his face that Hikaru began to plead with him again. Hikaru sat with his back against the door for a long time. Kaoru had a feeling he might've been there all night if the under eye circles the next morning were any clue.

Kaoru pulled the curtains of the empty room open, sending large billows of dust through the air that looked a bit like snow in the moonlight. When had the maids last dusted in here? Kaoru choked a bit, thinking irritably. Tears stung his eyes. Tears of frustration. Tears of anger; of pain. He glanced back at the locked door, hearing his brother continue to beat on it despite receiving no sign that Kaoru could even hear him through it.

Kaoru sighed tiredly. His body felt heavier than anything before; he had no energy for this anymore. He walked slowly to the bed before taking off his shirt and sliding under the covers. He was freezing, but he didn't notice. He felt numb after what he had done.

The only feeling worse than his guilt at making his brother cry was the feeling of guilt that his brother was giving him all his attention now.

But...it wasn't the kind of attention he wanted. No...Hikaru would never give him that kind of attention. Never loving kisses or warm embraces in bed. Perhaps in the past, but the older they became...the less he received any of it. And whenever he tried to initiate...

"Kaoru..." Hikaru gave him a look when Kaoru kissed him gently on the mouth. "We're not kids anymore. You know...it would look weird if someone saw us."

Kaoru felt a pang in his chest but he tried not to show it. "But we're in bed, Hikaru...who will see?" Hikaru said nothing.

"Don't you...want to?" He asked hesitantly afraid of the answer, afraid of his brother's reaction.

"Why would I?"

Hikaru looked irritated and flipped over. "Go to sleep Kaoru."

That happened some time before Haruhi came, and way before Kaoru knew about his feelings, but it still had hurt. Only now did he understand why. Every time after that...it was the same.

"Ne...didn't you say we're getting too old for this stuff?" Hikaru said a bit reproachfully when Kaoru kissed the back of his brother's neck while massaging him, pushing him off.

Kaoru wished he hadn't. "Are you mad, Hikaru?"

"No...but...you shouldn't be so hypocritical Kaoru."

"I...I'm...you're right. But..." Kaoru sighed, "Maybe I was wrong about this..."

"Maybe you were right."

Kaoru grabbed his pillow and held it against his mouth as he choked out a sob. He barely muffled the noise before he was openly weeping into it. It was like a dam that had been broken.

Is it my fault? Is it my fault that he doesn't love me anymore? I pushed him away without even realizing it? I'm so sorry, Hikaru... Kaoru laughed hard and bitter through his sobs. I love you too much, you beautiful idiot. Heh. Kaoru chuckled. Kaoru had heard people whisper about his brother, calling him immature, crude...bad-tempered. But Kaoru had never thought any of those things. What people said was bad about Hikaru, and himself, for following his brother's lead, were just other things he loved about him. No...Hikaru wasn't bad-tempered, he was passionate. He wasn't crude, he was honest. He wasn't immature, he was impulsive, brave. And all of those things, he loved about his brother. He was cool and smooth and funny. Kaoru was sure that if people could tell them apart, Hikaru would be the one everyone loved the most. He didn't mind. He knew it was true...his brother was his better half. He had no doubt. He may be an ass, but he was a lovable ass.

He sat up from the bed. Despite the connection between them having been faint and practically nonexistent in the past couple weeks, he knew that Hikaru was still right outside his door. He had earplugs in just for that reason. Kaoru left the bed, shivering. He entered the bathroom and paused. Kaoru looked at himself in the mirror seeing his shocked expression. "I'm such a mess." He laughed humorlessly, for a second...he had seen Hikaru, not himself, in the mirror. He washed his face and slipped out of his clothes. It was chilly, and he would've put on pyjamas...if they weren't inconveniently located in Hikaru and his room. ...Hikaru's room.

He crawled back under the sheets and pulled the blanket up. Shivering and uncomfortable being alone in bed without his brother was quite unusual.

Kaoru let his hands move over his body to warm himself until his shivering died down and what began as comfort quickly started shifting to a more urgent need.

Kaoru gasped when a hand his had slipped into his boxers grazed himself. He was already getting hard. It's alright. I'm alone. Hikaru and Kaoru never spoke of their "needs" after the first time. Kaoru just assumed Hikaru probably took care of himself in the same way he himself did. In the shower or by sliping away to "use the bathroom". Kaoru moaned as he moved his hands down his body, imagining them to be Hikaru's. And he felt his mind darken in a familiar tingling of lust.

Maybe he could get it out of his system. He thought. Maybe if he let his mind wander...go to his darkest places, his darkest thoughts and feelings, maybe...maybe he would be free of this...this... Is this love...or obsession? Kaoru hands stopped roaming his own body and he shook himself. I am so fucking disgusting. He shuddered and then became frustrated, slamming his fist into the bed, creating a deep dent in the memory foam. He watched as the bed slowly returned to its original form, and sighed.

He grabbed his mp3 player he had left on the side table and plugged it in. Careful to keep his voice low, he pushed his face into the pillow and grasped his erection. Dragging his hand across it slowly. Kaoru... He felt himself grow harder and he began to pump faster. Kaoru...I love you. Muffling his moaning with the pillow. It was rough and fast. He didn't last long. He had been tense for so long, that his release had been long needed. And he sighed as he removed his hand from the sticky mess of his boxers.

I have to clean them tomorrow.

Kaoru sighed with a rare lightheartedness that came from imagining his twin felt the same. Though his eyes remained damp, Kaoru moved to his side and laid his head against the cool pillow that was drenched from his tears. In a way, he felt refreshed; in another, he felt heavier. But he knew sleep would soon claim him; and he welcomed the relief of it.