So, it's kind of short, I know. But it's been a while since I updated, and I didn't want to make everyone wait too long. I have finals, like, really soon, so chances are, there'll be minimal updates until around the end of January. Maybe on the twenty-ninth, or something, when finals week is over, but until then, probably not. Oh! But I do have the next chapter of Romeo and Juliet written, and while it's still in the editing stages, I'll have it out sometime in the next two weeks.

With that said, enjoy.

Akaya woke to the sound of some very annoying ringing in his ear.

It was the sound of Marui talking.

"And I was thinking we'd put Akaya in a fluffy white dress," Marui was rambling. "Like, Yukimura gets this cool, sleek black suit, right? And Akaya gets the signature white wedding dress with the ruffles and stuff. And a sparkly veil. Definitely a sparkly veil."

Akaya moaned and pulled the covers over his head.

A pause. "Oh, that's a great idea! I would never have thought of that myself! Yes, it's perfect! A tight fitting leather dress with a whip and fishnet tights—"

Akaya sat up and glared at Marui, who grinned and flipped him off. "Look who woke up! The bride-to-be! The girliest of them all! The uke of the—"

Akaya grabbed the phone and tossed it out the window, ignoring the crash that resounded below.

"Aw," Marui complained, "that was Fuji! He's going to think I hung up on him and then he'll kill me. Five different ways. With his bare hands."

"First of all," Akaya snapped, "Fuji doesn't kill people with his bare hands. He uses poison. Second of all, why are you talking to him?"

Marui grinned. "Because your friends are freaking awesome! You never introduced me—Sanada's cool, Yagyuu's cool, Yukimura's cool, Fuji's amazing, and Oshitari and Echizen and Tezuka and Mukahi and Shishido and Choutaro—they're all really cool! I wish you introduced me. But I met them yesterday at the pre-engagement party." He snickered. "And they're all really awesome. We're going out for coffee in an hour."

Akaya contemplated killing him, and decided to settle for throwing his burning hot coffee in his face.

Marui dodged with expertise. "I figured out how to avoid that ages ago," he taunted. "Sidestep, jump back, quick twist and backflip. Foolproof, Akaya. Foolproof."

Akaya took a deep breath and fell backwards on his bed. "You're a moron," he said matter-of-factly, staring at the ceiling. "You're the biggest moron I've ever met and I hate you so, so much, even though you're older than me."

Marui shrugged. "I'm not going to fight back," he replied easily. "You're marrying my idol! You better get over your homophobia fast, 'cause if you break up with this guy, I'm going to be the one to kill you in five different ways with my bare hands."

"Since when is he your idol?"

"Since he learned to make your life miserable, obviously. Even I'm not as good as he is at ruining your life! This guy's amazing!" Marui pointed a finger at him. "You know, you should never have agreed to this whole thing in the first place. You know better than to agree to anything Niou suggests."

"Shiny packaging," Akaya explained ruefully.

In fifth grade, Akaya's goal for the future was to be a ninja.

In eighth grade, his goal was to be a professional tennis player.

Upon graduating high school, his goal was to enter the world of reporting.

Never, not once, ever, did his goal for the future say: I want to marry a gay man with scary friends when I grow up even though I have homophobia and I want to room with someone who's very fixated on ruining my life.

Someone up there was being very unkind.

Yukimura hummed happily. Sanada sat beside him, reading a book and talking quietly to Yagyuu, who was watching the tennis match. Fuji was typing away in the background. "Say, Yukimura," he said thoughtfully, "have you made any wedding plans yet?"

"Not one," Yukimura replied regretfully, and turned back to the tennis game he'd been watching. Tezuka had just revealed a new trademark move—Tezuka Phantom, was it?—but it'd be no threat to him. Yukimura smiled at the thought. "Echizen's such a stubborn brat. He made Tezuka go all the way to the other side of the city so they could play a match. I don't see what he's trying to prove."

Fuji smiled serenely. "Really. He's such a child; either he wins, or he loses. Either way, the tide changes with each match. There's nothing consistent, and he knows it."

"Such a child," Yukimura agreed, and sighed. "You know, that Ryuzaki girl likes him. A girl from Akaya's office—I believe she's a reporter, too. They'd make such an adorable couple. Ryuzaki is a very pretty girl."

"Aren't you worried about her stealing Akaya away?" Fuji teased. "Akaya's quite handsome, himself."

Yukimura waved the thought away. "Of course not. Akaya's a very faithful person," he said mirthfully. "You know, it amazes me how well he's kept up the act. Did you know he has homophobia?"

Sanada rolled his eyes and Yagyuu chuckled.

"Does he, now?" Fuji looked astonished, but only for a moment. "Say, have you gotten to third ba—"

"No," Yukimura interrupted. "And I don't intend to. Please, Fuji, don't put that thought in my mind."

Fuji giggled, a rather disturbingly girlish giggle. "Fine, fine. But you know, you shouldn't avoid it for too long. Hitting on him, I mean. It could really work to your advantage."

The tennis game suddenly seemed much less interesting than what Fuji was suggesting.

He was offering torture devices.

Torture methods.

Torture methods.

Yes, that had to be repeated and italicized.

Because they're torture methods.

And everybody knew that Fuji Syusuke was the king of torture methods.

Torture methods.

Go on. Say it again.

Yukimura leaned forward and smiled brightly. "Elaborate."

Fuji looked up from his typing. "Well, you know he's homophobic. And he seems awfully uncomfortable around you; what better way to mentally scar him than to . . . do things?"

Yukimura's smile widened. "That's a very good idea, but unfortunately, I'm not very learned in the art of gay sex."

Sanada choked on air, while Yagyuu tried in vain to revive him. Yukimura paid neither of them any attention.

Fuji leaned over Sanada's suffocating body and smiled. "I am," he grinned, and folded his hands neatly in his lap.

Sanada choked again—his face was turning white.

That's really not a good look for him, Yukimura thought. He looks better in primary colors.

"Would you teach me?" Yukimura asked aloud.

Fuji's grin widened by a fraction; Yukimura Seiichi rarely asked for help, and Fuji knew better than to put salt on a wound—especially if it was Yukimura. "But of course," he replied easily. "You know I'd never pass up such an opportunity. The twenty-threesome obviously didn't scare him enough—why? Because there was nothing concrete. We have to actually carry out with things this time." He leaned back and turned back to his typing. "It'll be lovely."

"And I'll need to prepare for the honeymoon, anyway," Yukimura said thoughtfully.

Sanada was all but dying, and his face was now a very colorful shade of purple.

"The what?" Akaya demanded, astonished. "No! Just . . . no!"

"But all couples have a honeymoon," Marui whined. "Let me plan it for you. Fuji and I were talking it over earlier, and we decided you'd look awesome in this." He held up a piece of fabric.

It was black.

And lacey.

"I'm not wearing a lace shirt or whatever," Akaya snarled. "And put that thing away before it burns my eyes."

Marui shrugged and stuffed it into his pants pocket. "Who said anything about a shirt? Fuji and I designed it already, anyway. Here."

He shoved a laptop in Akaya's face, and it took a few moments for the reporter to process what was on the webpage.

As a matter of fact, there wasn't very much of anything on the webpage.

Only one article of clothing.

It was black.

It was lacey.

It was triangular.

Akaya yelped and jumped back after five seconds of staring. "That's a thong," he sputtered. "I'm not wearing a freaking thong, you psycho!"

Marui tossed his head back and laughed. "It's okay," he promised. "There'll be some stuff to cover it up. We're thinking leather," he added thoughtfully. "Maybe red leather. Yukimura likes the color red. And sky blue. We should do a mixture of both, although sky blue's a bit mild."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know. On a honeymoon," Marui elaborated, poking him in the ribs.

Akaya just looked lost.

Marui gave an exaggerated sigh. "Honeymoon. Lovers. Honeymoon suite. Lovers in a honeymoon suite."

Still nothing.

Marui explained, "Hot animal sex."

Akaya burst into another sputtering fit. "What—I—no! That is not happening!"

Marui seemed disappointed for a few moments, then contemplative, and asked, "Then, chipmunk sex?"

"What is wrong with you?" Akaya demanded, punching him in the arm and shoving him against a wall.

Marui grinned. "Just like that! 'Cept when you push him against a wall, be a little gentler, because apparently, Yukimura's a very delicate person."

Akaya turned a bright shade of red upon realizing how Marui was interpreting the whole thing, and darted a good ten feet away from him. "I'm not gay," he enunciated.

Marui shrugged. "Who knows? I wouldn't blame you for turning gay. Yukimura's enough to turn anyone gay."

"You're an idiot," Akaya said seriously.

Marui grinned. "You didn't deny it!" he sang.

"You're stupid and I hate you."

"I love you," Marui replied easily, and gave Akaya a bone-crushing hug. "I don't know what in the world Yukimura sees in you, but you're like a little brother to me. I have to put up with you no matter how much you annoy me."

Akaya honestly, sincerely, and not-so-briefly considered setting Marui's room on fire.

Yukimura was shopping.

Let's rephrase that.

Yukimura was shopping with Fuji.

For . . . items.

Yeah.

"Where would you buy these things?" Yukimura murmured. "Do they really have shops specifically for these?"

"Of course," Fuji replied, sounding surprised. "They have quite a wide selection, as a matter of fact. It's all quite lovely."

Yukimura frowned. "There aren't any paparazzi here, are there? The last thing I want is to ruin the surprise for Aka-chan."

Fuji laughed. "No, there aren't. And you needn't call him Aka-chan; he's not here, remember?"

Yukimura smiled ruefully. "It's become somewhat of a habit, I suppose."

"He's a handsome boy," Fuji mused. "I'd go for him myself, but I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. My last lover broke my heart." He faked tears and put a hand on his heart. "It's just so painful to remember," he murmured, pretending to cry. "I can't even begin to start—oh, how he made such promises. And I believed them all, you see. All of them, every single one! A fool—that's what I was, a fool!" Like flipping over a card, he put on his brightest smile and said, "That's why I had to eat him. You understand, don't you? I had to eat him—I couldn't have lived otherwise. He's done irreversible damage to me, and I just had to eat him."

Fuji paused. "He tasted like oranges."

Yukimura burst into laughter. "You can make the most fantastic things sound incredibly realistic," he commented, still chuckling. "You should've been an actor, Fuji."

"I've actually signed on with a talent agency," Fuji replied cheerfully. "Only because the movie they want me to be in has a wonderful plot. I'll tell you all about it later."

"But back to the problem at hand," Yukimura said, looking around. There were many buildings, but they all seemed boring, so awfully normal. "None of these places look like they sell ropes and handcuffs and whips. Or edible body paint," he added, almost as an afterthought. "You just can't mentally scar someone without edible body paint."

A few people on the streets turned to give them strange looks.

Fuji smiled slowly, turning the corner. Yukimura looked up at the flashing neon signs and the minimally dressed workers. He caught a flash of a neon pink whip somewhere in the store, and smiled.

This was exactly what he was looking for.