Finally managing to shove the last remaining book into her bag, which was dangerously close to ripping apart at the seams, Willow looked up to say goodbye to Draco, but noticed, with a sigh, that he was already slipping through the door of the library.
She followed him out into the corridor, but they were going in different directions. Turning left as he continued forward, she hurried along down the hallway and towards the Gryffindor tower, wondering if she could still make it in time for a game of Gobstones. All she wanted was to relax for a while, try to get the pounding sensation behind her temples to go away.
She was feeling many different things at once, but, above all else, she was filled with confusion. She didn't even know what to think about Draco anymore. There was the pity and desire to help, as always. There was also frustration because of him and his refusal of her offer, as well as because of herself; the latter stemmed from the pestering voice in her mind that told her she was being unreasonable and that he had no obligation to accept her help. Bitterness was still present because of all the times she had wished for a stranger's assistance and didn't receive any, and he denied the opportunity when he had it. Anger persisted because of Draco's rudeness which, even though they weren't friends and she kind of deserved it, was still upsetting. And, lastly, there was the guilt because she knew she was being rude as well, though it pained her to admit it.
It was too much; parted of her wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for ages. Maybe then, when she woke up, her problems would have disappeared. And if not, at least her dreams were peaceful and not filled with a swirling plethora of conflicting emotions. Her poor brain was almost near its bursting point, just like her book bag; if she tried to squeeze one more emotion in along with all the previously stated, not to mention the stress of getting good marks, completing homework and thinking about entering the real world and starting a career after this year was over, she was almost certain her head would actually implode. She thought with a sort of sick humor about what the newspaper headlines would say: Overemotional Brain Admits Defeat.
As she neared closer to the portrait blocking the entrance to the common room, she tried her best to keep Draco out of her mind, but it was no use. Her obsession was mounting, as much as she wanted it to disappear. She realized how creepy it would seem to a normal person if she told them how dedicated she was to the wellbeing of someone who was practically a stranger. It would be even creepier if they knew about Draco's obvious distaste for her: Oh, yeah, I really want to help this guy and make him happy but he doesn't even want me to help him. In fact, he kind of dislikes me. A lot.
It was ridiculous and she knew it, but try as she did, she couldn't get those dull, gray eyes out of her head, especially now that they posed a challenge. Her pride was bruised by her inability to help, even though it wasn't her fault. One can't help another when he doesn't want to be helped.
I couldn't even help him with a cough, she thought to herself bitterly, the lasting humiliation of being so sure her charm would work and having it backfire causing her cheeks to burn slightly.
Arriving at the portrait of the Fat Lady, she absent-mindedly mumbled the password and clambered through the hole into the common room. Her friends were crowded around the fire, and she craned her neck to see the table by them, noticing with slight disappointment there was no distracting game to be found.
"Hey," she announced, stepping closer to them. They had all been talking quietly, their heads slightly leaned together, and more than one of them jumped when she spoke. They all blinked up at her with undeniably guilty looks on their faces.
"Er, hey, Willow," Ginny tried to say cheerily, but she looked more sheepish than anyone else.
"All right?" Harry smiled weakly, avoiding her gaze.
"What's…going on?" Willow asked hesitantly, her stomach sinking as she thought about her outburst at the dinner table earlier and how quick she had been to believe them when they seemed to not think too much of her dilemma.
"Nothing!" Hermione exclaimed a little too quickly, then changed the subject, "How is your project going?"
"Were you talking about me?" Willow asked quietly, ignoring Hermione's question. Every word she had said in the Great Hall was running through her mind. She knew they thought she was a freak, she just knew it.
"No, no," Ron tried to urge, but the reassurance in his voice was clearly forced. Ginny shot him a look, then turned back to Willow with a sigh.
"Okay, yes, we were talking about you," she admitted, and Willow's heart dropped. It was no surprise that she already messed up perhaps the best friendships she had ever had. She had done it before; one of the relatively closest friends she had had, a girl named Lisa at a school in Switzerland, stopped talking to her after Willow helped Elena, whom Lisa was in a fight with, with homework. Lisa called her a "traitor" and said that she had picked the other girl's side, and refused to talk to Willow after that. They still weren't speaking when Willow had to switch schools three weeks later. To be fair, they were only in their second year at the time and Lisa was known to be a bit overdramatic and capable of holding a grudge, but Willow blamed herself. If she had the ability to say no when Elena had asked for her help, Willow and Lisa might still have been friends. But I screwed up, Willow thought darkly, And now I've done it again.
"Don't look so upset," Neville pleaded, and only then did Willow realize her eyelids were drooping and her lips were curled into a frown, "We're just worried about you, is all,"
"Worried about me," Willow repeated skeptically, managing to keep her voice from trembling, though she wasn't as lucky with her lower lip.
"Yeah, Willow, you're…" Hermione sighed, struggling to find the right word to complete her thought, "You're being irrational," she said finally. Willow stared silently at her for a few moments, realizing she was still standing while everyone else was sitting and looking awkwardly up at her, then flopped down onto an empty armchair with a huff of resignation.
"I know I am," she mumbled, propping her elbow on the arm of the chair and resting her forehead on her hand. Her hope for a relaxing night was gone; her headache was only getting worse.
"You do?" Harry said lightly.
"Yes," Willow conceded, then faltered, "We are talking about the situation with Malfoy, right?" she asked hesitantly, noticing, not for the first time, that she called the boy Draco in her thoughts but, for some unknown reason, never used his first name in conversation.
"Yeah," Ron nodded, continuing before she had a chance to say something, "What we think is that you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and none of us really believed you at dinner when you said you would forget about it,"
"Like we said before," Harry picked up from where Ron left off, "Some people can't be helped; Malfoy's one of them. And even if he could…now, don't get offended or anything…" he stopped, wincing slightly.
"What?" Willow asked with trepidation.
"Harry is just trying to say that even if Malfoy could be helped," Ginny said softly and apologetically, "It wouldn't be by you,"
"Oh?" was all Willow could think to say in response.
"He doesn't even know you, you know?" Hermione said, her voice just as soft as Ginny's, "There are people at this school that he's known practically his whole life, and that's he's been good friends with in the past. Like Goyle, or Blaise Zabini, or Pansy Parkinson," she explained, then added as a sort of bitter afterthought, "Though why anyone would want to be friends with Pansy is beyond me,"
"Try being her Potions partner," Ginny grumbled under her breath.
"Anyway," Hermione continued, shooting Ginny an apologetic look, "If Malfoy did want help from somebody, wouldn't it make more sense for him to go to one of his old friends than to a stranger?"
"I suppose," Willow nodded, feeling more and more embarrassed by the second. So maybe they didn't think she was a freak, but they did, however, find her foolish. She wasn't sure which was worse.
"Right, so," Ron smiled weakly, "What do you say you don't waste your time on people who don't want you in their lives and spend more time with those who do?"
"Ron," Hermione hissed, and he looked at her incredulously.
"What?"
"There are nicer ways to say things," Hermione whispered, but everyone could hear her perfectly, and, to Willow's surprise, she felt the corners of her mouth lift. Her friends all watched her, looking relieved.
"Thank you," Willow said, and they continued to gaze at her curiously, "For wanting me in your lives," she said in a happily teasing way, looking at Ron, "But really, thanks. For caring about me," she still had to struggle to keep her voice from trembling, but the rush of emotion overtaking her was different now.
"You're not angry with us?" Neville asked hopefully.
"No, I can't be," Willow chuckled quietly, "Because you're right. I knew I was being unreasonable, I just couldn't help it,"
"Just focus on your friends, and on your schoolwork," Hermione advised, beaming at her, "And you really will forget about him, just wait and see,"
"I'll try," Willow responded with a smile, "Just…one thing…" she said hesitantly, blushing.
"What is it?" Harry asked.
"Why do you care so much about me?" she asked, a bit embarrassed.
"We could ask you the same thing about Malfoy," Ron laughed, and Willow realized, cursing herself, that there was truth behind his words. They had a reason for thinking she was a bit dim; she thought so herself sometimes. Specifically when she asked questions that she couldn't have answered for the life of her if she had been the one being asked.
"We're your friends, Willow," Harry said, "So of course we care about you. I reckon that's just the way it works,"
"That's doesn't answer my question. Willow and Draco are hardly friends," Ron pointed out, but went silent when Hermione gave him another pointed look.
"Just drop it, Ron," she tried to whisper, though she should have known by then that she wasn't very good at keeping her voice down, "Talking about it won't make her forget anytime sooner,"
Willow didn't speak, but looked at Hermione gratefully. She had no idea what she had done to be blessed with the friendship of people like them, but she wasn't about to let it go to waste because of Malfoy. They were too good to her; even when they thought she was being stupid, they let her know in the nicest way possible and didn't show any signs of not wanting to be around her anymore. At least not any that she recognized; because of her unfortunate talent for losing friends, she knew the signs fairly well.
"Now that that's all out of the way, I think we still have time for a game of Gobstones," Ginny exclaimed, wiggling her eyebrows and smiling mischievously, "If any of you is willing to lose,"
"Oh, you're on," Harry grinned, and everyone slid off their chairs and onto the floor, crowding around the table and watching excitedly as the pair began a game.
"Winner plays the next person," Ginny said absent-mindedly, staring at the board in front of her and presumably strategizing.
"I'll go next," Neville offered.
"Well then, you're going to play me," Ginny tore her eyes off the board to smile at him.
"In your dreams," Harry laughed.
Willow was perfectly content with sitting back and observing her friends as they cheered Ginny and Harry on. She smiled slightly as she saw Neville's undeniably happy face, whispering pointers to Ginny. On the opposite side of the table, Ron and Hermione were egging Harry on, and Willow noticed, her heart fluttering, that their hands were clasped together under the table. Harry, though Ginny was currently his rival, unnecessarily brushed his hand against hers at times, and Ginny was unable to restrain herself from smiling. A happy giggling spread when Harry was squirted in the face by a gobstone, and, spitting, he wiped the putrid liquid off his mouth with the sleeve of his robe before grinning along with everyone else.
Willow knew that, despite her friends' advice, she wouldn't be able to forget about Draco no matter how hard she tried, but she sure as hell wasn't going to let anyone know that, not even Draco himself.
She had too much to lose.
A/N: Please, please, please review!
Also, I feel really bad, but there's a large chance I won't be able to update at all in the next couple of weeks. I'm spending all of this following week visiting family, and I'll be gone on vacation the week after that. I'll try my best to make time to write, but it might not happen, so I thought it would be best to let those of you who are following this story know. Sorry! :(
Edit: So I've been told that Willow has too many problems, but at the same time, I've also been told she's a Mary Sue, meaning she's tooperfect. So I'm kind of at a loss. I would be super grateful for any suggestions or advice. Thanks!