A/N: Ok, so here it is…new chapter! Les, you are a doll as always.
So I'm really nervous about this chapter for some reason. So please tell me what you think, I would really appreciate your feedback on this one, but also… please be nice!
This one's for Shar, my simultaneous buddy! Sweetheart, I can't thank you (and Les) enough for your friendship and support, you both are wonderful!
So Enjoy!!!!!
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Chapter 9- Just The Two Of Them
She didn't say anything, just continued to listen and watched his face as he talked, animated with a happiness that she hadn't seen before. The happiness he got from spending time with his son; the joy of being a father.
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Taylor shifted once again as she sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair, the effort was futile though, as the chair was never going to become comfortable.
The walls of the room she sat in were stark white, except for the splashes of colour from the few posters that were tacked onto the wall, and the floor was faded, scuffed in the places where people had constantly moved back and forth over it. The odour of bleach filled the air, mixing in with the smell of coffee coming from behind the reception desk. The two smells mixed together to make Taylor's stomach churn unpleasantly. She gazed over to the reception where the receptionist clicked on her computer and shifted through papers on her desk, seemingly unfazed by, or immune to, the smell.
No one knew she was here, not even Ryan. No one knew about her first visit, three weeks ago, either. There hadn't been any point in saying anything, getting Ryan worried, in case in it all came to nothing.
But as she sat there, idly flicking through one of the many old issues of People magazine, she knew.
Taylor already knew that in a few minutes she was going to be told something she didn't want to hear. Not now. But with the way things had been going lately she knew that what she wanted wasn't going to happen no matter how desperate she was to hear good news; and desperate she was. Her desperation had been fuelled last night after Ryan had come home from his dinner with Ry and Theresa. As she watched him talk, it silently grew further.
The intercom speakers buzzed overhead and the crackled voiced announced, "Miss Townsend to Room One, please."
Taylor put down the magazine she had been holding and picked up her bag, crossing to the other side of the waiting room. She knocked on the door before entering.
The room was just as white as the waiting room had been; an examination bed was pushed up to the wall on Taylor's left, and a concertinaed screen stood at its foot. The opposite wall had a plain white porcelain sink in the corner, with an anti-bacterial soap dispenser fixed above it and a box of surgical gloves on the shelf.
Sat at the desk to Taylor's right, was a woman who looked to be in her forties. As Taylor entered she looked up from her computer screen and smiled.
"Come in. Have a seat, Miss Townsend." Dr Prendergast gestured to the empty chair next to her desk. Taylor closed the door behind her and took her seat.
"How are you today?" The doctor asked kindly.
"Good, thanks." Taylor replied in a rush, she didn't want to make pleasantries; she just wanted her results and wished the doctor would hurry up.
"So, before we get to your results," Taylor mentally cursed, "I need to know if there have been any changes in the last four weeks. Has your cycle settled any? Are there still irregularities?"
"No changes. It's still pretty much the same, this is my tenth week and it still hasn't come."
"I see." Dr Prendergast turned to her computer and clicked a few times, reading over the information that she brought up on the screen. "Well, I considered what we spoke about during your last visit and I received the results for your blood test last week. I did note some irregularities, but I thought it best to wait for the results of your ultrasound."
Eight months ago Taylor had read an article on the damaging side effects of being on the birth control pill for too long, she had been taking it since she was sixteen, and decided to stop taking it for a year or two. She knew that her cycle wouldn't be as regular as it was before for the first couple of months, which it wasn't, and that she would have to be extra careful with Ryan, which she was. But after the first four months, she began to worry because it didn't seem that anything was settling down. It was still irregular. Like, three months of nothing irregular.
Panicked, she wondered if she and Ryan hadn't been careful enough. Secretly, she took three pregnancy tests- all were negative. Unsure of what was wrong and scared that she had already been on the pill too long, she booked an appointment with her doctor.
Taylor's hands fidgeted with the strap of her bag that she held in her lap. Irregularities? That didn't sound good. What did it mean?
"Irregularities? What does that mean?" She asked, voicing her thoughts.
"Well, it seems that the level of progesterone in your blood was lower than normal and you have a slightly higher level of insulin and androgens. I waited, however, upon your scan before making the final diagnosis, considering you had just come off the birth control pill."
Dr Prendergast opened the manila folder that had been sat on the corner of her desk and pulled out three scans, turning the top one towards Taylor, she indicated to the black and white picture.
"This is your right ovary and it shows that you have a number of cysts on the surface." She pulled out the second scan from underneath and placed it on top, again indicating to Taylor. "This is your left ovary and although there were fewer cysts, there were still more than would typically be found."
Taylor peered at the scan, she couldn't really tell what she was looking at; it all looked fuzzy to her, but nodded along as Dr Prendergast spoke.
"So, what does this mean?" She already knew what it meant. It meant she was being told the 'something' she didn't want to hear. Cysts on ovaries weren't exactly good news.
"I believe that you suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Miss Townsend." The doctor's voice was clinical as she gave the diagnosis but still kind, she gazed at her young patient waiting for her to take in what she had just said before continuing. "It is very common, it is believed that one in five women suffer from it. However, it is difficult to determine for sure, as there are varying degrees."
"I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome." It was a statement, more for her own benefit than a question for the doctor.
"Yes, I believe so," Dr Prendergast answered her non-question. "There are several symptoms, they vary from irregular periods, as is your situation it appears, to acne, excess hair, weight gain and… in some cases…" this was always the hardest part to say, many patients didn't take it very well, "possibly fertility problems."
"I can't have children." The words seemed to echo in Taylor's head, as everything else she had been thinking disappeared from her mind. The size of the room narrowed to just her and the fuzzy grey pictures that she still couldn't make out on the desk.
"That is only in some cases, not all suffers have every symptom." No response, so the doctor tried again.
"Yes, PCOS does decrease your ability to become pregnant, but it largely depends on the degree from which you suffer." Dr Prendergast explained, though she was sure Taylor still wasn't listening. "PCOS affects your ovulation and your chances of conceiving depend on how often you do so. As you have only recently stopped taking birth control pills, how often you ovulate will become more apparent after a while and then we can determine how it's affected your fertility."
"It's been three months…and I…" Taylor still couldn't form coherent thoughts.
"Yes, well as I said, that could be the result of the pill." Dr Prendergast smiled kindly once again, "give it some more time and make another appointment in a few months, we can examine the situation more clearly then."
"Yes. Thank you, Doctor." Taylor replied automatically, her voice sounding far away, as though she hadn't been the one to say it. She picked her bag up off her lap, shook the doctors hand, walked out the door, through the waiting room and to the exit.
She moved on autopilot, going through the motions.
Her inner voice had come alive with so many thoughts they all became jumbled up into one, yet at the same time she was sure she was thinking nothing at all.
All she could hear was white noise, and all she could feel was numb.
Because she knew; she knew she wouldn't be able to have children.
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"Ry?" Theresa called to her son as she made her way from her bedroom down the hall to enter into the living room where she found her son on the couch, immersed in playing his new computer game.
"Yeah, mom?"
"Sweetie, I'm going out tonight so Tammy is going to be here in 20 minutes, okay? Please be good. I've told her when you're meant to be in bed, so please don't try and weasel out of it."
Ry had paused his game and turned, leaning over the back of the couch to face his mother. "I'd never do that." He replied, trying hard to look as innocent as any other nine year old.
"Oh, I think you would, mister." Theresa smiled.
"You look nice, mom."
Theresa looked down at her dress; she had made an extra special effort for tonight. If her son noticed then she had definitely done something right. "Thank you, sweetie. So, you like it?" Ry nodded, "does it make my bum look big?" Theresa teased and got the reaction from her son that she knew she would.
"Moooommm…" he whined, scrunching up his face, causing Theresa to laugh. She began to transfer the contents of her day bag into her evening purse.
"Are you going to meet Ryan?"
Theresa paused from checking the contents of her purse upon hearing the question. "Why'd you ask that?"
"No reason," Ry shrugged, "you said he was your friend, and he came to dinner on Friday… and I like him."
Theresa exhaled, "Ry-" she was cut off by the buzz of their doorbell. "Wait here."
Theresa opened the door to her apartment, fully expecting to see Tammy on the other side; the 16 year old from two floors down who regularly babysat Ry for her. A short "Oh," escaped from her lips at the sight of the man standing in the doorway, clearly not the perky blonde she had been expecting.
"Hi," he smiled, taking in her outfit he asked, "this isn't a bad time is it?"
"No, er… come in." Pulling the door open wider, Theresa stood to one side.
"Sorry to just stop by like this. I was close by and didn't think…. you have plans, I should go." He made a move to leave the way he came in and Theresa reached out to place a hand on his arm.
"No, Ryan. Stay, it's fine." She emphasised her point by giving his arm a small squeeze.
Ryan followed Theresa back in to the living room, where Ry had began to play his game again. He took in the small but tidy room; two couches encased a small coffee table both facing towards the television and two bookcases stood in alcoves to the right, the shelves of which held various objects from books to framed pictures, a stack of mail and a bowl of what looked like the dead flowers. The room was nice, lived in… homely.
"Ry, look who's here." Theresa got her son's attention.
"Ryan!" Ry paused his game once again.
"Hey Ry, how you doin' buddy?"
"OK. I've been playin' the game you got me, I've been playin' it all weekend. I'm so good now, wanna see?" Ry started his game once again and the sounds of roaring engines filled the room, as Ry navigated his car around the grid on the screen using his controller.
"So you like it?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, it's the best game ever!" Ry exclaimed without taking his eyes off the screen.
Ryan took this time to turn towards Theresa; once again he looked down at her dress.
"You look nice." He commented.
Theresa reaction to Ryan's compliment was very different to when her son had told her she looked nice. She cast her eyes downward once again and brushed at the skirt of the dress self-consciously. Her cheeks began to feel hot, as a small blush stained her skin, she kept her head down and hoped Ryan wouldn't notice.
"Oh, well…it's not… I mean it's…" her words came out in no more than a mumble. "Thank you." She finally managed more clearly. She could have smacked herself on the forehead for her flustered answer that was if it wouldn't have made her look anymore stupid than she felt. How had one small, semi-compliment from him turned her into a shy, mumbling, blushing seventeen year old?
The effort she had put into making herself look good tonight had been meant for Dominic, her boyfriend with whom she was having dinner, but she couldn't deny the small part of her that was glad that Ryan had gotten to see her like this.
This her was so different to the girl the he would have remembered; she was more put together, classy, sophisticated even. This her wouldn't have felt as out of place as the old her had surrounded by the Newport elite, with their fancy clothes and expensive jewellery. This her may not have the expensive jewellery and her clothes may not be expensive either, but she still knew that she looked great; that she had come a long way; that she had made something of herself.
And yes, a part of her was secretly happy that she got to show Ryan this. Not that it would have affected him in anyway, and definitely not because she wanted it to affect him, she reminded herself.
"Were you and Ry going out somewhere?" Ryan's voiced pulled Theresa out of her thoughts and back into the living room.
"Just me. I'm going out for dinner with Dominic."
"Oh." Ryan knew he should have called before stopping by. He had been on site at the Andersons Community Centre and it had only been a short drive to Theresa's. He had hoped to stop by for a few hours, to spend some more time Ry. If Theresa was not going to be there, how could he spend time with Ry? Ryan couldn't think of any explanation that seemed plausible for why he was still there after Theresa had gone, with just Ry and…. "Who's staying with Ry?"
"I have a sitter, she should be here soon."
"I could do it."
"You want to baby sit? What about Taylor? I'm not sure how long I'll be gone; won't she be expecting you at home?" Theresa asked.
"I'll call her, she won't mind." Ryan lowered his voice and leaned in closer to Theresa so Ry wouldn't hear. "I want to spend time with my son." He reminded her.
How could she have forgotten? The past week it was all she had been thinking about. How to incorporate spending more time with Ryan into their lives? How to explain to Ry why Ryan was spending time with them? How she was eventually going to tell Ry that Ryan was in fact in his father…without her son hating her. She wanted to be the one to tell him; at a time when she felt it was right.
What if she left Ryan here with Ry and he told him, on purpose or by accident. Theresa felt panicked at the idea that she would come home and her son wouldn't even look at her because he knew she had been lying to him. Her panic must have shown on her face because she heard Ryan's voice still low and close to her ear say, "I won't tell him, not tonight, I promise."
Theresa nodded her head, her eyes fixed on her son.
"But you will have to tell him soon, Theresa. I won't keep playing along forever."
Theresa nodded again. It was true, she couldn't expect him to wait forever; it wasn't fair to any of them.
The doorbell to the apartment rang for the second time that night, allowing Theresa to escape the tense atmosphere that hung between her and Ryan. She opened the door to find both Tammy and Dominic standing there.
"Hi," she looked confusedly at Dominic, "I thought I was meeting you at the restaurant?" She asked him.
He flashed her a warm smile and took a step forward to kiss her cheek, Tammy had slipped through the door already.
"Well, I finished early so thought I would pick you up instead. Aren't you happy?" He asked still beaming down at her.
"Yes, I'm just surprised is all…" Theresa had replied, when actually she wasn't at all that happy. If Dominic was here, that meant the explanation she had prepared to give to him over dinner, about the Ryan being Ry's father, was going to have to be thrown out the window because…
"Ms Diaz? Who's this guy in your living room?" Tammy jerked her thumb in the direction of the living room as she spoke, with the other hand on her hip.
"What guy?" Dominic asked before he moved to follow Tammy into the room.
Theresa followed closely behind and introduced Ryan. The two men shook hands as she said; "Dominic, this is an old friend of mine, Ryan Atwood." Theresa hoped the look she gave Dominic actually conveyed her thoughts of 'ask questions later' before she turned to Tammy, "Tammy, I'm not going to actually need you tonight after all, Ryan's going to look after Ry, is that ok?"
"Yeah, no big. I'll catch you next time, Little Man." She said to Ry before leaving.
Ry, who had stopped playing his video game and was once again leaning over the back of the sofa, asked, "Ryan's gonna stay with me? Cool."
"Yes very cool," Theresa said as she picked up her purse and coat, "but that doesn't mean your not going to bed on time or that you can have more ice-cream, ok?"
"Yeah, mom."
"Now give me a kiss." Ry rolled his eyes before giving Theresa a quick kiss and then he proceeded to wipe his mouth afterwards as he sat back down. Theresa could hear Ryan give a little chuckle behind her.
"He goes to bed at nine, make sure he brushes his teeth and don't let him convince you to let him have anymore ice-cream." She said all in one breath to Ryan who was nodding his head.
"Right, well it was nice meeting you Ryan." Dominic held out his hand once again and Ryan shook it firmly. Then to Theresa he asked; "shall we go?"
"Yes, bye Ryan."
"Bye."
Ryan held his breath until he heard the door to the apartment close behind them. He let it out and looked at Ry; he was going to be spending an entire evening with his son. Just the two of them.
Ry was holding out the controller to Ryan. "Do you want to go first?" He asked just as excitedly as Ryan felt.
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She had spent the day at the park, just sat on their bench, alternating between staring at the sky and then the people walking around, to just staring unseeing at nothing. She felt…lost and so unlike herself.
Thoughts drifted in and out of her mind, and for the most part she tried not to think of anything, which had been hard, as her brain hadn't been listening when she decided that.
She traced the engraved T R on the first slat of the bench.
He had laughed at her when she told him to do it, that they had claimed this bench as theirs, so they had to let the world know. He said it was childish, she begged until she got her way, he craved the letters and she clapped when he had finished.
She remembered back to their five-year anniversary, they had a perfect picnic together in the park, on their bench. He had gently taken her hand and placed the small black box on her palm. He heart had beaten so hard against her chest she had been sure that it was going to somehow break out and fly away. For the smallest of moments she thought it was a ring, neither had mentioned anything before, they hadn't talked about it, but it could have been. She had opened the box to find a pair of earrings and let out an imaginary sigh.
Even now she wasn't sure if that had been a sigh of relief or disappointment. When she thought about things, she didn't want anything to change, but it was always different in the moment, wasn't it?
School had just let out and mothers had brought their children to the playground, screams of delight and the sound of laughter could clearly be heard where she sat. The sound was sweet torture, the sounds of the future…just not hers.
She wondered how she would tell Ryan. He would be angry that she hadn't told him sooner, and then he would assure her that it'll all be ok, that there was always other options. He would say all the things that you're meant to say to make someone feel better. And she realised she wanted to be at home; she wanted to be with Ryan.
She had come home to find an empty flat, but it had still been too early for Ryan to be home, so she waited in their bed, curled up under the covers, watching the clock on her bedside table.
And she was still waiting.
Taylor awoke to find that two hours had passed since she had come home and there didn't seem to be anyone else there. She checked the living room and kitchen in case Ryan had found her asleep and was being quiet so to not wake her.
But he wasn't there.
Ryan had often been coming home late the last few weeks, spending extra time at work, putting in the hours for his first project. Taylor knew it was important so she was never resentful that it meant she often ate her dinners alone.
But today, right then, she needed him. She picked up the phone and dialled the number to his cell.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. I was calling to find out what time you were going to be finished at the office?" Taylor asked.
"Oh, well I'm not at the office. I'm actually at Theresa's."
"You are?" Taylor swallowed heavily.
"I offered to baby sit Ry; she went out for dinner with her boyfriend. Is everything all right, Taylor?"
"Yeah."
If Taylor was meant to feel reassured by the fact that Theresa wasn't there and had a boyfriend, it didn't register. It didn't even register that Ryan may not have even called to let her know where he was.
"Are you sure? Did you need to talk?" He sounded concerned.
"Yeah, I'm sure. It wasn't anything important."
It didn't register that Ryan had sounded concerned, that maybe she didn't sound normal on the phone.
All that she could think was that she needed to be with Ryan and he wasn't there.
TBC