Chapter 10

Confessions

"Am I going to have a problem being partners with you after I hear your "confessions?" Alicia said, settling back down on the sofa.

"No, I don't think so. I just think you need to know how… actually I think you need to know why a few decisions Will made in regards to you were, I think influenced by me."

"Okay then lets hear it."

"The first one has to do with the affair."

"Of course it does! Why do I feel like by the end of today all of my good memories of him will have been tainted by someone in some way?"

"I hope that isn't the case. Although I have to ask, how long had you two been together before the break up? Were you sleeping with him before you and Peter separated?"

"Those are pretty personal questions Diane," she said with a raised brow. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"I know, and if you don't want to say I understand," Diane said, reaching for her coffee mug. "I'm only curious because people suspected there was something going on from the day you started working for us. But that was just the office rumor mill running its course. I don't think many people knew, or even suspected when it was actually going on more consistently. You two even had me fooled for a few months!"

Alicia didn't say anything, so Diane continued.

"Alicia I feel like we are having a very honest conversation here and I have a few issues of my own I want put to rest. I'm asking because Will and I had more than one argument over his relationship with you. He always denied anything was going on up until Wendy started pursuing his bribery case. I just want to know the truth."

Alicia sighed. "You're right. I suppose it's only fair to let you get rid of some of the cobwebs as well, but I'm invoking the three question rule here!"

Diane chuckles. "That was a crazy case, but fine as long as you answer!"

Alicia set her mug back down on the coffee table. "Okay then it happened like I said, we had a few moments, but I would never let him pursue a relationship beyond that. I was married. We didn't get "intimate" until I separated from Peter. Now I get to ask a question."

"Sure"

"You and Will had arguments about me?"

"Yes, just a few times when I thought his feelings for you were affecting his judgment when it came to the firm."

"He never told me about any of that. Did I? Affect his judgment?"

"I'll never know for sure, but I think you maybe did once or twice."

Alicia turned her gaze from Diane.

"Alicia it's in the past, and everything turned out fine anyway. Now for the next question. Why did you separate from Peter the first time? I have always assumed that Will persuaded you to separate. That his charm finally got the better of you, and that you decided the best way to be with him without it looking bad, if it ever got out, was too separate. So am I right?"

"Ah, that was four questions!" They both laugh, and Alicia pulls her feet up under her. She takes a deep breath, and looks away fiddling with her fingers. "We separated because of Kalinda. Not just because of Kalinda, but that was the thing that pushed me over the edge."

"Kalinda?" Diane said surprised. "What could Kalinda have to do with you and Peter?" She pauses as a memory occurs to her.

"That's why things got so awkward between you two isn't it?"

"Yes, the night Peter was re-elected as State's Attorney I found out that he had slept with Kalinda when she had worked for him. They both said it was only one night, and that it didn't mean anything. But one night is one night. I was so hurt. It was one thing to have my husband pay for prostitutes, it was completely different to find out he had slept with my best friend, one of the only ones I had during that time. So the night of the election I moved Peter out. I went and rented an apartment for him, and had all of his things moved in. He and I haven't lived under the same roof since."

"Really?" Diane shook her head in disbelief. "And that's why you were so persistent with Patty Nyholm the following day."

"Yes, I was angry, and well tired, I'd been up all night. I had to get the frustration out somehow," she said smiling.

"Yes well, I recognized that same person arguing in court this morning."

"Well if you know me, I'm easier to read than it appears. So let's hear this confession."

"No, I have one more question first."

Alicia chuckled. "Albright, what is it?"

"Let me just say first that this has been very enlightening! Was it an easy decision to be with Will after that, or did it take time?"

"It took some time. We were all so busy the next while. My life after that consisted of making sure the kids were okay with the separation, working the crazy hours we do, and doing my best at keeping the separation from as many people as possible, especially the press." Diane nods

"Early in the spring Will and I found ourselves together at a bar in a hotel after the Judge Elerby trial." She paused as her memories of that night came to mind.

"Will asked me what it would look like if we had good timing, just for an hour. I am pretty sure he knew about the separation by then. And I… well I was separated, and ready to do what I wanted to for a change. With the help of a little alcohol and that smile of his it didn't take much to convince me!" She smiled and shook her head. "When we went to the front desk to get a room, and the hotel was booked."

"You two really did always have bad timing. That's unbelievable!"

"I know, the only thing they had available was the Presidential suite, which came with a pretty high price tag."

"You didn't?"

"Well I didn't, he did! We were being spontaneous, and doing what we wanted. And well, the rest is history."

Diane smiled, but then got a serious look on her face. "Alicia..."

"Diane its okay, I promise I won't hate you for whatever it is you need to say."

"I found out Will was being investigated about a week before you two split up. Wendy came to the office to talk to him, but he was in court with you on that military drone case. So she talked to me instead."

Alicia rolled her eyes. "Of all the people I have ever met, Wendy is at the top of my "avoid at all costs list". She was really out of control when she questioned me during Will's grand jury hearing."

"She was with everyone. It was clear to me that she was going to do what ever she could to prosecute Will, even if that meant implicating me and the firm in the process. There was a reason your husband put her in charge of his team. He was going to take Will down at any cost, but make it appear as if he'd kept his hands clean. He wasn't going to lose you without a fight."

"Yes, great example of Peter screwing my life up again without me even knowing until it was too late. What does this have to do with you and me, and Will?"

"After I talked to Wendy, I talked with Will. He thought the investigation was winding down. But things were just picking up. I told him he had to break things up between you two. I pretty much threatened him. I couldn't let Wendy take the firm down. A few days later Will broke things off. I was watching from my office." Diane turned away. "I am sorry Alicia I don't think he would have done it if I hadn't said anything. I've felt guilty ever since. Before you got there he seemed so nervous. He was pacing back and forth. I try not to pry, but I saw the embrace between you two. My heart almost sank then, but then I saw the look on both of your faces when you walked out of his office, and I felt even worse. It had to be done, but I felt awful. Being the referee of a firm isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Alicia shook her head. "Diane you don't have anything to feel guilty for. Will isn't the one who broke things off."

Diane turned back to her in disbelief. "What?"

"I was the one who broke it off that day, not him." She got quiet again. "Things had gotten so hectic, so complicated. And then Grace disappeared, it was too much. I had too much on my plate, and my relationship with Will was the thing I had to sacrifice. I don't know if he was going to break things off that day. If he was I didn't give him the chance. So don't feel guilty about that. That was my decision."

"I don't know what to say. Although it explains why when I went in to talk to him after, and I said to him, "she'll get over it" he looked so beaten, and then said in a depressed voice, "yep, she will" He knew you would move on, but he wouldn't. He didn't want too."

The two women sat in silence for a few moments.

"Okay, well that was a depressing walk down memory lane. What else do you have up your sleeve?" Alicia said, with a slight smile.

Diane wasn't sure if she wanted to tell Alicia her next confession, but she knew she had to. "I am the one who told Will you were leaving the firm that morning. I'd grown suspicious. You had stopped decorating your new office three weeks earlier. I had lunch with a client the previous day and she all but told me you were starting your own firm. I connected the dots, and I told Will."

Alicia looks away as a thought comes to mind. Three weeks earlier, three weeks earlier was the night Will and I kissed for the last time.

She turned back to Diane and raised her voice slightly. "What the… Diane he probably thought the kiss we had the night of the election didn't mean anything. That I was just leading him on. That's probably why he came at me like he did."

"Maybe, I don't know. It's my fault he blew up at you, and said all of those horrible things." Diane continued without letting Alicia cut in.

"It's partly my fault you're hurting so much now. I am so sorry." Alicia didn't say anything for a moment attempting to gather her thoughts, and emotions.

"Don't say anything, let me explain." Diane said. "Will was upset with me. You knew that, and I was hurt. I had put so much into that firm. It was my whole life, I was loyal to Will. I wasn't going to leave him with such a mess. Alicia my emotions were all over the place that day. Kurt and I had just been married an hour before I came into the office that day. I didn't want to come into work that day. I was bitter. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a vacation. But that day, of all days, I deserved to have off. Then not even five minutes after I got to the office I found you in my office surprised to even see me there. And then you said "I thought you were gone". It made me furious. After all I had done for you, for Cary, for the firm. I felt like I was just being brushed aside. And you were going behind our backs. You were a partner you had a fiduciary responsibility to the firm. I am a rule follower Alicia, just like you. And I felt like Will deserved to know what was going on.

Alicia put her hands over her face in an attempt to remain calm. That day changed everything. And reliving it brought up a lot of bitterness and hurt. "Diane I can't…"

"Let me finish, then you can say what ever you want. I had no idea he was going to treat you so badly. I was surprised at how he lashed out at you. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to be his breaking point. He was so upset, he was losing me, and then he finds out he was losing you. It was too much for him, but I don't think he knew how else to react. After I told him, I thought he would come and discuss it with you civilly. I thought he would let you explain. I knew it wasn't going to end well, but I thought it would end with you and Cary turning in resignation letters.

You have to know that when he called for the first partner vote, I almost didn't vote with them. I knew the possible consequences if I did vote with them. The main one being that I would probably lose the judgeship. But I was still stunned at Will's behavior. I didn't really want to condone such behavior, but I realized if I didn't vote with them, and I lost the judgeship things would be ugly for me as well. And I really was upset at you and Cary." She stopped for a moment and Alicia turned back to her.

"Then he made you walk past everyone to get to the elevator. I couldn't believe that either. That was wrong Alicia, it was spiteful, and humiliating, and he shouldn't have done it. The way you held yourself that morning was remarkable. I gained even more respect for you that day, even if I was upset. If I could go back to that day I would do it differently. I would have come to you myself, and hopefully we could have handled it better."

Alicia stood and paced some in the room continuing to gather her thoughts and a good way to respond. She stopped and turned to face Diane. "I have horrible memories of that morning. I held it together, but Will crushed me that morning."

"I know, and I'm so sorry."

Alicia looked down then as a few tears fell, but then returned her gaze to Diane. "I know. You, me, Will, Cary, we were all responsible for the way things happened that day. If anyone is to blame it's me. I wanted to tell both of you sooner. But Cary and the others wanted to wait for their bonuses. I should have found the time, but honestly I was terrified. I knew the consequences of leaving. I just couldn't face it. And Will had asked me to be the new name partner with him."

"He had what?"

"I assumed you knew about that."

"No"

"He did, and the offer was very appealing. I hadn't given him an answer. I'm sure he just assumed I would take it. Part of me wanted to so badly. For one thing it was much easier than starting a new firm. Secondly, I had realized I had true feelings for him. But making the decision to take his offer meant I would have to change some things. It meant I would have to divorce Peter. I couldn't work next to Will everyday as his partner, and pretend we didn't have feelings for each other. To actually break off my marriage, would have been a hard decision at the time. The more I thought about that the more complicated it got. I just… In the end I decided the best thing to do was to leave. I never… If I would have stayed, the divorce would have just happened a year sooner. You would be a judge. Will and I could be together. I would have been on the Jeffery Grant case." More tears begin to fall. "Maybe the case would have gone differently. Maybe he wouldn't have shot me. I'm the one who ruined everyone's dreams."

"You didn't know Peter was going to do what he's done. And Jeffery probably would have still grabbed the gun. You're right, we, the four of us are all to blame. You did what you thought was best, I did what I thought was best. Let's just leave it at that okay. We can't go back now."

Alicia grabbed a tissue and wiped her tears away, "Okay, apology accepted, and I am sorry too."

"I know, and it's okay." Diane stood and went over to her. They embraced for a quick moment.

"I can't cry anymore today," Alicia said. "I should really be going. It's late, and I don't want the snow to get worse before I get home Thank you so much Diane, for everything. For dinner, for talking, for the thumb drive. I actually feel a lot better. Like there is a light at the end of the tunnel again." She moved towards the large accent chair in the corner where her purse and coat were.

"I've had a good evening as well, but Alicia I think you should take some time off. I can't force you too. But I think it would be a good idea to take a few days. You need some rest. You need to talk to Grace, and Zach."

"I can't there's to much work to do. And there is a good chance Peter is going to be arrested tomorrow. I need to stay on top of that"

Diane moved over to her. "All the more reason for you to take a break and stay away from the firm, and the press. You can work from home a few hours a day if you need to. There isn't that much that needs to be done next week as far as work goes anyway. But what you really need to do is something for yourself. Do something you enjoy. Go shopping, and don't look at the price tags. Go run. Go to the spa. I know we don't have much time to even think about what we would do if we had a spare minute, but think of something. And after you've done that, go somewhere with that thumb drive and your laptop, somewhere quiet. If there's someplace quiet where you and Will liked to be, then go there. If not, stay at home. Once you're there call Zach and Grace tell them not to worry if they can't get a hold of you for a day, or however long you need. Grace won't be home until Tuesday anyway. Then turn your phone off. Anything anyone might need from you can wait for a day. Then enjoy your time with Will. You have your memories, and now you have some of his.

Take back some of that lost time, some of those lost moments. Feel what you wanted to feel, but were to scared to feel. Live in those moments again, this time without worry, and without guilt. Say what you always wanted to say to him. My guess is he said a lot of things he wanted to say to you in those files. Let it be the two of you without all the distractions. Make those memories what they should have been. Do that and I think you'll be able to move on. Like I said earlier, you don't have to forget him. You just need to feel some peace and comfort when you think about him instead of guilt and regret."

"But what if there are things in there, that…"

"There probably are going to be some things in there that are hard to swallow. But that's how all relationships are. And don't you think you'll feel better knowing exactly what he was thinking, instead of guessing?" Alicia sighed knowing Diane was right.

Diane walked over to the door. "Alicia, you know you can count on Cary and me. There are lots of other people who care about you too. You don't have to get through this mess alone. We will help you through this. You just have to let us. And remember I read the last entry. It will be okay,' she said smiling. "Everything will be okay."

Alicia pulled on her coat and grabbed her purse. "Why don't you just tell me what the last entry says?"

"Because you need to hear it from him," Diane said, as she pulled open the door.

"Okay. Thank you Diane, for everything."

"You're welcome. Drive safely."

"I will." She moved past Diane and hurried to her car in the falling snow.

As she drives home her main focus was on the road, but there was plenty of noise running through her head.

Diane's right. I need a break. I'm so tired, and I have had this headache all day that just won't go away. But what about Peter? The press will be all over. All the more reason to stay away from work for a few days. The press here we go again. How will Zach and Grace handle this? I'm so sorry kids. You didn't ask for any of this. Neither did I. I still feel so empty. I just want to stop thinking for awhile. A journal? Wow that seems so unlike him. Go someplace quiet where you and he liked to be. I don't know where that would be Diane. His apartment? That won't work. That restaurant across town? No, quiet but too public. The park near his apartment? Too cold. My apartment? No, too many memories of other people there, and too many memories. In his arms… impossible.

She sighed as she parked the car. I'll sleep on it, decide tomorrow.

She walked into the quiet apartment and put her bag and keys down. She was more than a little curious as to what is on the thumb drive. Exhaustion was going to win over curiosity for the night. The day had been too long, too hard, too hurtful just like a year ago. As she climbed into bed and started to drift off to sleep, she felt somewhat at peace for the first time in two days. Knowing that she now had a part of him that she could hold onto forever was comforting. Her eyes closed, and she fell into a deep sleep. Sleep she hadn't experienced since that last kiss sixteen months prior.