CHAPTER NINE-POINT-FIVE- "Desperately," by Michelle Branch -A shout out to my beta, who recommended this song: you're the best, Lindsey! Thanks for helping me out so much!-

Edward Cullen

I never thought Bella could look as beautiful as she did that first time I took her to her meadow, red streaks of sunlight in her hair. It didn't seem physically possible that anything could outshine her pale, translucent skin, her full lips, or the enticing shape of her collarbone when it peeked out from beneath her sleeveless, white shirt. But she did, when I went to pick her up Christmas Eve afternoon. I'd caught a glimpse of her walking in front of a window, and my hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, it took effort not to crush it in my grasp.

Her hair was in fashionable disarray, probably messy from a long night of sleep. The circles under her eyes were dark, and her lips seemed paler than usual. It was the equivalent of a human without make up, and she was breathtaking. I got of the car out and sat on the hood, resisting the urge to march up the steps to her door and yank it open. That single flash of her face had me aching to see all of her. My arms folded over my chest.

"I'm coming," I heard her voice call from inside. My hands clenched tighter. I could hear the sound of her shoes shuffling, and the door opened. She might as well have been a temptress, a goddess. To me, she was. The wool-knit sweater she wore was a sinful shade of purple, and it hugged her curves in ways that made it difficult for me to remove my gaze. Her blue-jeans looked faded and worn, but they accentuated the slope of her thigh. I forced my eyes to cut to her face, though it wasn't much of an improvement. The surprise on her face made her golden eyes wide, and her elegant eyebrows had climbed up her forehead. A rebellious lock of hair fell in front of her face, but she didn't make any move to push it away. It was so entirely, unbelievably sexy.

The door swung closed with a click behind her, and she blinked at the noise. "Are you ready, Bella?" I asked carefully, praying she didn't hear the huskiness my observations had given my voice. Her face tightened, and her whole body tensed. I panicked for a minute, worried that she might run.

She continued to stare at me for what seemed like ages, her lips pressed into a thin, white line. Please, I thought. Please walk towards me. Alice would kill me if Bella canceled at the last minute because of me. My chest tightened at the very thought of her being out of my sight. Come on, Bella, please. Don't run.

"C'mon," I begged softly, echoing my thoughts. Making a quick motion towards her place in the passenger's seat, I made an effort not to submit to flashbacks from my time in Forks.

And then she took a step. And another. I tried to mute my sigh of relief. Sliding off the hood, I pulled the door wider for her, and she tossed her bag in the backseat. The denim clung to the muscles in her legs when she bent over, and I gave myself a mental slap. I shouldn't be thinking about her that way. She wasn't mine anymore.

When she was settled, I got in myself, and my hand landed centimeters away from hers. She stiffened, and I pulled it away. Of course she didn't want me close. I put down the armrest in an attempt to make her more comfortable- and to make it harder for me to put my hand back. Pulling out the winding driveway, I pressed my foot against the gas. I wanted to make this ride as painless as possible for her.

She didn't make it easy for me, though. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw every time she pushed her hair out of her eyes, or rubbed her neck, or smoothed her hand over her thigh. I ached to touch her, but these were the consequences of leaving her so long ago. I had no claim over her anymore. I longed to tell her I loved her, how much I liked having her next to me, but those were words I wasn't allowed to say.

Is that him? Is she with him? Esme's eager thoughts floated from the woods that hid our home. Inside her head, I could see the edge of the driveway from her eyes. Her lips stretched into a wide smile when she saw us, and she ducked into the house to straighten picture frames and center vases of flowers. A crooked picture isn't what's going to make her run, I thought to myself as I pulled into the garage.

Rosalie looked over her shoulder at Bella and pursed her lips before returning to the car she was modifying. Let the angst begin.

I scowled at her, but it only lasted a moment as my second sister diverted my annoyance. She was perched right in front of Bella's door, her tiny hands on her hips. "I spent all day yesterday looking for the perfect comforter for your bed," she was saying, a bright grin overpowering her face.

My lips twitched as I got out. Bella's forced smile had dropped, just like I knew it would. Correctly guessing this little piece of her behavior gave me a tiny victory, but it didn't last long.

"You bought me a bed?" she asked flatly, her forehead creased with disapproval. I knew she wouldn't like it. She never liked it when other people took care of her; she was so used to being the responsible adult for everybody.

"You have to sleep somewhere," Alice told her matter-of-factly, her smile spreading.

I stepped in front of Alice, easing the pixie out of the way as I reached for Bella's door. She stared at the hand I offered her like it was toxic, and stood on her own with a nod at me. Alice sent me an image of my hand on the small of Bella's back as I led her into the house. "I'll do as I please, Alice," I snapped, shutting the door a little harder than necessary.

You're just dragging this out, she sighed, and then grabbed my angel's hand, pulling her out of the garage.

I put my hand to my eyes, rubbing my brow. I wanted Bella to be comfortable here. My family loved her so much. "Rose?" Turning around, I leaned against the car. "Be nice to Bella."

She rolled her eyes and straightened. "Bella could care less about me. I'm not the problem here." The growl that rumbled through my chest made her scoff. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." She made a halo above her head with her hands and then leaned back over her work.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and left the garage, stopping to stare at the front porch of our home. Esme was explaining why Carlisle was staying late tonight. I wished he was here. Carlisle had a way of making people comfortable, in a way different from Jasper. Through my brother's eyes, I could tell how out of place Bella felt. Her guard was up, and her moods were all over the place.

I wonder. Would she be more comfortable if I left? She certainly wouldn't have to worry about pretending to forgive me for my inexcusable actions. There was no way she could want me there- the old ex-boyfriend staring at her while she opened her Christmas presents. And she'd probably sleep better knowing that I wasn't going to be breaking into her room to watch her.

I wasn't two feet closer to the Mercedes when I heard Alice scream. "I don't think so, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen! You entertain one more thought, and I'll have Rosalie tear that car apart so bad you won't know your catalytic converter from your gudgeon pin!"

It wasn't her threat that made me suddenly stop and fly inside the house. It was the heavenly sound of Bella's exploding laughter. I'd barely seen her so much as smile sincerely- I would not miss this. They were all in the living room, and I leaned against one of the protruding walls that faced her back. I beamed. She had both hands pressed over her mouth, trying to stop her giggles in their tracks. Esme's expression matched mine, and my siblings were just having a hard time understanding what was so funny.

Emmett got it first- tiny Alice scolding me- and his bass laughter growled through the air. One by one, my family exploded into a fit of giggles, chuckles, and guffaws. I stood by, grinning like an idiot. This was far more than I could have ever asked for. For five minutes, I didn't feel like the most disgusting, loathsome creature to walk the earth. Warmth bloomed in my chest as I watched Bella's shoulders shake. She was bent in half, one arm around her stomach and the other propped against her knee. Her hair flipped and fell around her face, framing the fullness of her cheeks and the line of her jaw.

I filed this moment away as my family gained control. Bella gasped for breath as she straightened, shaking her head and grinning. Blood from her last hunt was faint in her cheeks, and her eyes were bright. This was the way I remembered her.

"Damn!" Emmett shouted. His thoughts and his words overlapped for a moment. That was a sight for sore eyes.

"It's a miracle when we get her to smile, much less laugh uncontrollably." Alice grinned and nudged her husband.

She's so beautiful when she's happy. Esme fiddled with her sweater. "A wonderful sound..."

Jasper's shoulders suddenly straightened, and I knew something had gone wrong. When are you going to learn, Bella? he thought. We're trying to redeem ourselves!

Bella noticed his change too, and she stared at the ground, switching her bag to her other arm. Her guard was back up again, and it didn't seem like she planned on letting it down any time soon. Her feet shuffled, and her shoulders tilted slightly towards the entrance- like maybe she wanted to run.

"Please... Please give us a second chance." She turned around to look at me. Her eyes dropped when they met mine, and I felt the need to rephrase my statement. "Or at least..." I gestured toward my family. "Give them a second chance."

She and Alice exchanged a glance- Don't leave now!- and then she looked back at me. "I won't leave." Those three words were enough to make my head spin with elation. "I'll stay if you stay."

How could I leave? I thought to myself as Alice squealed and clapped her hands together. It kills me just letting you out of my sight.

"But that doesn't mean I'll stay here." Bella held her hands up in a "hold on" gesture. "But I won't leave the general area."

"That's more than we can ever ask," Esme murmured, smiling warmly at her. She was so happy to have our family back together, even if it was only temporary. It was my fault it had been so broken in the first place.

Jasper shot a hard glance at me. We're all intertwined in this, Edward. You never would have left if I hadn't tried to attack her at her party.

I shook my head at him, my lips a tight line. The first decision to leave wasn't my only mistake. There was so much more that I should've been held accountable for. I could have called, could have visited, could have stayed with the family when they were upset, could have done something more productive with my time away instead of-

"Um, Esme?" Jasper suddenly said, no doubt trying to distract me from my guilt. "Do you think Carlisle would mind if we set up the tree before he got home?"

Esme's whole demeanor lightened. "That's a marvelous idea, Jasper! Why don't you kids go get the tree? I'll go dig up the old ornaments and find some scrap metal."

I frowned as I thought that through. Why would Bella want to be deep in the forest with five Cullens she probably didn't even want to speak to? There was no point in dragging her out when she hadn't even been in the house for five minutes. And maybe if she stayed here, I could, too. Maybe I could give her some time to get accustomed to having me around again.

Alice grabbed Bella's hand and made a move for the door, but I blocked her path. "Esme, Bella just got here. Don't you think she'd like to get settled before we drag her into the woods?"

But I wanna hang out with Bella! Alice hissed, and Bella stepped a bit closer to her.

"I don't mind," she challenged me, lifting her chin minutely.

Esme stepped in for me. "He's right, Bella," she said, smiling warmly. "Why don't you stay here with me, and we'll decorate the house? The boys can get the tree and Alice and Rose can go find a junkyard."

I didn't like the idea of being away from Bella- who knows what could upset her and send her running?- but Esme's option did seem to be more reasonable for her. My hand clenched as I watched Bella look between my sister and my mother, and then, finally, she said, "Okay."

Alice made a face at me. And now neither of us gets her. Nice.

I shrugged, letting my eyes wonder to Bella's big, brown orbs for one last moment before backing away and heading out into the snow. If there was a God at all- which Bella once wholeheartedly believed- then she'd still be there when I returned.

--

"Git."

"Stop it."

"Git."

"Stop it, Emmett."

"Geeee-iiiit."

This is what I had been dealing with for the past ten minutes, since Emmett had jumped on Jasper's back and smashed snow into his hair. In his frustration, Jasper had slipped back into his Southern roots, resulting in an annoyed "Git offa me!"

But at least it was a nice change from Emmett's constant talk about Bella.

"Say it," he'd been repeating then. "Say it, or I'm going to drive you out of your mind."

"Emmett, if it ever gets to the point where I'm out of my mind, you will be in pieces." I twirled the saw in my hands for effect, and he grinned.

"Doctor Jasper, it seems that the patient has resorted to death threats." He stroked his chin with two fingers and adjusted an invisible pair of glasses. "I believe this is adequate proof that the treatment is taking effect."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "When isn't someone threatening your life, Emmett? I don't think the fact that Edward is getting annoyed means that he's going to do anything." His gaze scanned the forest- we were still in deciduous territory. He was eager to get back to Bella as well, though his reasons were far more innocent than mine. He wanted to be there to regulate emotions, to make sure this stayed a peaceful holiday.

"Just say it, Edward. It's not going to kill you to admit it." Emmett grabbed onto a branch, swung over it a couple times, and then dropped back to the ground.

"I'm not worrying about the lethality of a few words. I just don't feel like saying it." I tossed the saw at him, and he caught it neatly by the handle.

"Look." He stepped in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "If you say it, I won't make a comment about your intelligence, your attitude, or your virginity until Bella leaves."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I really didn't feel like indulging him, but it was far too good a deal to pass up. "What is it I'm supposed to say?"

"Yee-haw!" He clapped me on the shoulders. "Jasper! Does your cell phone have a microphone?"

"Emmett, you've got thirty seconds." I scowled at him and shrugged his hands of.

"Okay, okay, okay," He continued walking, giving me space, and I followed. "Repeat after me- Bella is drop dead gorgeous."

"Bella is drop dead gorgeous," I recited flatly.

"She is made of sexy, just asking for wolf whistles and inappropriate gestures. And being my virginal self, I long to invite her into my bed and take advantage of her until she forgives me for leaving."

"I'm not saying that," I told him darkly, glowering at his grinning face. "I refuse to disrespect Bella by saying that."

"Just say it so he'll shut up," Jasper groaned, rolling his eyes. "Bella's not here and we won't tell."

"No." I was regretting letting go of that saw, now.

Emmett cleared his throat and put on a fake voice. "Oh, Bella, that sweater Alice bought you looks great! Do you mind if I take a picture? Or two, just in case Edward accidentally ruins one?"

Emmett may be the strongest in our family, but he's certainly not the fastest or the smartest. He was on the forest floor before his next breath, my hands positioned at his neck. "I will say this once, Emmett, and if you break your promise, I swear on your life that it will be the last sexual joke you make. She is made of sexy, just asking for wolf whistles and inappropriate gestures. And being my virginal self, I long to invite her into my bed and take advantage of her until she forgives me for leaving." I punctuated this by slamming his head against the ground, even though I knew it wouldn't do much good.

Jasper stood above us, offering his hand. I grabbed it, and as he pulled me up, clarity found my mind. "Emmett, you're my brother," I said evenly. "But sometimes you push too hard."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed and stood up, brushing the snow out of his hair. "But I got you to say it."

As he grinned, I shoved him, and he punched my shoulder playfully. "Seriously, man," Emmett said as we continued walking. "You've gotta do something about this. It's driving you crazy not talking to her and you know it."

"So? Our relationship is no longer under my control. I gave it up when I made my decision to leave Forks. If she still wants me, she'll let me know. Until then, I'm willing to be patient."

My brothers groaned simultaneously.

"Edward," Jasper sighed, rubbing his forehead with his palm. "You've got to make the first move."

"Jazz-"

"He's right," Emmett interjected. "Bella is a woman. She's not going to tell you what she's thinking or how she feels. It's one of their mind games." He made some vague gesture around his head, his eyebrows arched. "They say the exact opposite of how they feel, wait and see how long it takes for you to figure it out, and then yell at you for not getting it sooner."

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I looked up at the sky, white with snowy clouds. "I think I know a woman's mind better than either of you." Emmett snorted. "I do listen to them on a daily basis."

"And Bella?" Jasper smirked.

I flinched. He had me there.

"See, Edward," Emmett began. "Bella is not a normal woman in this case. She is scorned, which we know hell hath no fury like. She's probably still seriously pissed, but I wouldn't think that she doesn't still love you."

"She does," my blond brother confirmed, inspecting a tall evergreen. "Undoubtedly."

"Don't say that," I hissed at him. It was one thing to assume what she was feeling, but it was a completely different one to get my hopes sky high. "You've no better idea of what's going on in her head than I do."

"No, maybe not," he agreed. "But at least I know what's going on in her heart. I know what she feels when we're near her. I know her emotions when she looks at you, Edward.

I stiffened and pursed my lips. The words were dangling in front of me, the temptation. I'd always wanted to be able to hear Bella's thoughts, but when a partial offer was presented to me, apprehension and self-consciousness struck me. What if I wasn't as sure about her as I thought? What if I didn't know her at all?

"And... What are those emotions?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"She misses you."

I noticed the way he said "misses," and not "missed." Was it like the way I missed the glances she used to give me when I said something clever- that wry, heart-starting smile? The way I missed our meadow, with her feather-light touches on my arms and face? Did she miss my words like I missed hers? My voice? My laugh? Did she feel like I was a thousand miles away when I was just across the room?

"Impossible," I whispered. "After all I've done..." My heart felt heavy and cold in my chest. "She just misses what we used to have."

"You are so stubborn," Emmett growled. "Why's it gotta be what you used to have? How do you know she doesn't still have feelings for you?"

"For one thing, I left her to begin with. Crushed her." I felt my lips curl into a sneer at my next point. "And as you've pointed out, she's painfully beautiful. She could have anyone she wanted."

"Like Tyler Crowley?" Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me. "Mike Newton? Eric Yorkie? She could have had any of them. She wants you."

"I don't deserve her." No statement was more true than this.

"And I deserve Alice? You, at least, killed murderers and rapists and restrained yourself from her blood. I killed innocent people- human and vampire- and tried to take a bite out of Bella at her own birthday party."

I flinched at the memoryof shattering glass, her body so breakable as I pushed her to the ground.

"You never left Alice." Cool snow nestled in my hair.

"No, not really. But I've still broken her heart, over and over again." He clapped a hand on my shoulder. "She forgives me every time."

"Face it, Edward." Emmett folded his arms over his chest and leaned against a pine tree. "The only thing holding you back from Bella is you. If you want her, you're going to have to woo her. You got a good start with the Christmas presents, but then you got into this whole 'she hates me' mindset. Just tell her you love her,"- as if it was that simple- "and keep telling her until she finally listens."

"As weird as it is to say this," Jasper sighed. "He's right. Show Bella you still want and need her. If she cares for you like I know she does, it won't take long for her to come around."

"Yup." Emmett leaned over and scooped up some snow, packing it into a ball. "And, hell, if it takes too long, we can always do this-" And then he leaped on top of Jasper, giving the blond a hat of white powder.

"Emmett! Git offa me!"