Crises of Sanity
The Finesseful X: Keep thinking, I'm sure something utterly illogical will come to you. And now What has a fanbase!
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"Who are you?" asked Sanity, coming to his senses.
"I am Wisdom. Eric Wisdom," came the reply.
"So, I'm guessing you know why everyone in Johto has spontaneously evolved mental illnesses?"
"Well, obviously. Since the day your journey started, Arceus has had it in for you," said Wisdom. Eric Wisdom.
Sanity nodded. "But I've met Arceus, and he's... an idiot, to say the least," he said.
"Yes, the Arceus of our world is no genius," agreed Wisdom. Eric Wisdom. "But the First Arceus is hellbent on stopping us."
"Who is this us?" asked Sanity. "... I feel like What when I say that."
"The unaffectable. Wisdom, Intelligence, and Sanity."
"Like in all stories, I guess my name is no longer just a name, right?" said Sanity.
"So if a girl called Mai stops you in a street, you'll know who she is."
"Her name is Mai. As in, Mai Intelligence?"
Wisdom. Eric Wisdom gave a start. "You know Mai?"
"No, but I've... heard her name."
The man studied Sanity carefully. "Interesting... very interesting... I challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"
"What?"
"If you win, you can walk free. If I win, you're stuck here until I die." There was a brief pause, in which Sanity drew a sword from one of the knight's scabbards and pointed it threateningly at Wisdom. Eric Wisdom. "Actually, until you die. My death does not affect anything. Go, Salamence!"
"Rawr!" said the dragon in his special language. "Imma dinosawr! lol jk, i have wings."
"I have a really odd feeling that if I could understand that thing, I would be very, very scared," said Sanity, temporarily gifted with the power of lampshade. "Come on out, Tsunami!"
"Ha! You use a Totodile against my almighty dragon! Hey... wait... what? What? WHAT?"
"Sala!" moaned the Salamence weakly, lying on its bruised back, its belly exposed to the open air and getting pummelled brutally. "Mence..."
"Totodile! Dile dile!" cried Tsunami. (I can't see any salad or mince! You lied to me! Now die!)
"Okay, okay, I get the message. You can go now. Go! Leave!"
"Return, Tsunami," said Sanity, smirking. "Thanks for your hospitality."
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A few minutes later, in the streets of Goldenrod, Sanity almost wished that he hadn't left the nice and cozy sewer. "Hell has happened?" He was standing next to a pile of apparently randomly taken kitchen appliances, telephone models, wheat biscuits, salad sandwiches, turkish delights, tuna fish, car motors, dead mice, damaged helicopters, shark fins and small pebbles.
"Oh, we were just," babbled Seventh, launching into a confused explanation about each and every item in the pile. "And the pebbles... they were in my bag! All along! Since we met!"
"So you expect me to believe that you went to a high-class restaurant and were kicked out because you didn't order anything except a couple of Cokes, and then a flock consisting of no less than fifty-three point two Murkrow took pity on you and showered you with kitchen appliances to make food with. Then a delivery truck, taking supplies to Goldenrod (no, wait!) Saffron (actually...) Ecruteak mall ran into a post box and spilled stuff onto the street, especially onto your kitchen appliances. And then, a random plainclothes police officer with no definable gender walked up to you and told you that having unplugged microwaves, a pile of pebbles, someone's unopened mail and a helpful Murkrow within a thirty-foot radius is a crime punishable by death. Then the pebbles in your bag suddenly fell out the bottom and clattered onto the pavement and the police officer pulled out a pair of handcuffs. You used your incredible training with fighting with things that begin with the letter 's' and slam him into a wall with a stalling police car, then quickly hurl it down the street and into a hardware shop that is missing half of its stores of kitchen appliances."
"Yes," nodded Seventh, "that's about right."
"Despite the fact," continued Sanity, "That a) having point two of a Murkrow is biologically impossible, b) Murkrow can't even hold onto microwaves and toasters, much less carry them up a street, c) Ecruteak has no mall, d) this is a business district, there are no mailboxes here, e) plainclothes police officers are usually used in covert operations and generally don't make arrests, f) you don't have a bag for pebbles to fall out of, and g) if they were a plainclothes police officer, they wouldn't even have a police car to begin with, stalling or otherwise."
"... How about we just take this stuff and leave? I need to feed my Pokemon."
"Fine by me. Let's go the Pokemon Centre again," said Sanity. "I want to see if something else will explode."
At the Centre, they were met by What. "Guys! Lynn's here!" he cried.
"Theodore, get ready to torch sentient life. Tsunami, beat anything that moves to a pulp." The Totodile leaped onto What's back and began punching.
"Argh! My back! Get it off!"
Sanity deliberated for a couple of seconds. "Okay, Tsunami, stop. Anything that moves, except for these two idiots. And me. And Theodore." What lay on the floor, clutching his head in his hands.
"Okay," said Seventh brightly, "Let's go!"
"After you," said Sanity.
"Okay!" She leaped through a frosted window and into the chest of Lynn Eeyear.
Lynn reacted with mild surprise. "What the hell?" she screeched, slamming a fist into Seventh's face reflexively and bouncing backwards into a wall. Then, naturally, she caught sight of Sanity. "You!"
As she descended upon him, screaming curses and general insults, Sanity counted the seconds in his head. "Jump her!" he shouted at his Pokemon, and they responded with alacrity. Theodore did this weird fireball thing, except the flames folded backwards and around his body, and Tsunami's teeth began glowing with white energy.
"Flame Wheel and Ice Fang!" noted Seventh, before picking up a smartphone and hurling it at Blue man, who was trying to sneak out the back door.
"Where is that- ow!" wailed Blue man. A storm of selected smartphones, stabbing steels and lightweight safes (second-kilogram, you might say) converged upon him, covering him in a wave of S.
"By the way," said Seventh, "This building is surrounded on three sides by other constructions. There are no back doors in Goldenrod."
"What?" For his troubles, Seventh punched him in the face, knocking him out for the count.
Meanwhile, Lynn was getting crushed by a dual fire-ice attack. "I have got to get an electric type," said Sanity.
"Stop! I, Lynn Eeyear, challenge you to a Pokemon Battle!"
"Sure, go ahead. I'm not stopping you," said Sanity.
"Go, Zigzagoon, Aero!" A Zigzagoon and a Diglett materialised in front of her, blinking confusedly.
"Tsunami, Something! Theodore, provide ranged backup!" Another Ice Fang forming inside his mouth, the Totodile rushed his foes, his ally hurling fireballs at irregular intervals.
"Zig?" The little rodent seemed to recognise Tsunami, and immediately began running away screaming. His friend shook his head condescendingly, and turned to attack the crocodile.
"Dig!" A strange claw-like formation leaped from the ground, in an unmistakable version of Scratch. Tsunami slammed his fist into it, and the Diglett's eyes welled with tears. His Fake Tears might have worked if it weren't for the fact that his enemy was a complete psychopath of a Pokemon, and freezing cold canines dug into the Diglett's earthy flesh.
"Noooo!" cried Lynn in frustration. "Another loss!"
"Why did you pronounce 'no' with a long 'o' sound?"
"Zigzagoon, Shadow Ball!" No reply. "Zigzagoon! Zigzagoon!"
In front of Sanity, his two Pokemon were attempting to hold a conversation.
"Toto, dile dile!" (So, what are you doing Friday night?)
"Sin?" (What dial?)
"To?" (You're sinning?)
"Sin, sinda quil!" (Yes, I have toes, you insensitive frog!)
"Dile to to, dile, dile." (You can't just sin a quill, it's unnatural.)
"Quil! Sinda sin!" (No! I will not dial toes!)
"Return," said Sanity, as the Pokemon Centre collapsed on Lynn, Blue man, and presumably Blunder Boar. "Now, that was an utter waste of time." He paused, waiting for What's intelligent input.
"Hi there, I am What," said Seventh.
"No, you are not."
"I'm not Not! I'm What!"
"What did you do to What?"
"He's in the building."
"Which building."
"The building."
"WHICH building?"
"Thank you for using the appropriate sentence-ending punctuation."
"Tell. Me."
"The building we just left."
"... Okay. Well. Let's go," said Sanity.
"Aren't you concerned for our comrade's health?" probed Seventh after a minute of aimless wandering.
"No."
"... Where are we going?"
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"Most fortunately for ourselves," said Seventh, "We have found a second Pokemon Centre in this city!"
"Right... And how is this lucky in any way, shape or form?" asked Sanity, remembering the last five times they'd visited a Pokemon Centre.
"You can heal your Pokemon from the injuries they sustained on the long, hard trek to home," responded Seventh.
"Look," said Sanity despondently, "There was no long and hard trek. My Pokemon have no injuries. We are not anywhere near any home whatsoever."
"... Very well. I shall admit defeat." In an undertone, she continued, "For now..."
"I heard that."
"Heard what?" asked Seventh innocently. The act didn't work, but Sanity had already had his dose of general stupidity for the day, and he ignored her, opting to have some food in the centre first.
"Hey, guys!" said What, his arm hanging limply from his side, a large chunk of rock protruding from his shoulder. "I guess I got lost from you guys!"
"Yes, that's exactly what happened."
"I did not just happen!" cried What.
"What?"
"Yes?"
"No, that's not what she meant, What," said Sanity.
"Well, what did she mean?" He took a moment to consider the intelligent ramifications of this line. "Now I'm just confused."
"Aren't we all?" asked Sanity. "Aren't we all?"
A loud, blaring horn interrupted their somewhat circular conversation. Somehow, a metal detector had been concealed in the interior of the Pokemon Centre door, and it seemed that the three were carrying metal objects.
"Okay, this is the Goldenrod Police! Turn out your pockets!" What immediately took out his Pokegear and wallet, and was pronounced safe.
"Huh? I only have my Pokeballs and this badge," said Sanity.
"So it must be you!" cried the guard, turning to Seventh.
"What must be me?" she smiled falsely.
"I'm not you!"
"The person with the metal!" said the guard, displaying a sense of savviness in ignoring What's cry of dissent and general confusion.
"... Fine," she said, pulling out six Pokeballs from her pockets. They were closely followed by a shotgun, a small pistol, a slightly larger Magnum .77, six or seven assorted machetes and switchblades, a stash of extra magazines, a submachine gun, a slim cache of explosives and a steel crowbar.
"Um..." said the guards, Sanity and What simultaneously.
"Oh, and there's more in my shoes," said Seventh, pulling them off and emptying an monstrous pile of increasingly unlikely instruments and weapons of war.
"How did you fit a whole nuclear submarine inside there?"
"It's actually a supernuclear synchronised Splash submarine. For what it's worth."
"... What."
Sanity cursed under his breath. "Now you've done it."
"Yes?" asked What.
"What?"
"I said, yes?"
"So what?"
"No-one's sowing me!"
"What?"
"Yes?"
"What?"
"I said, yes?"
"What has that got to do with anything?"
"I think your grammar is confused."
"You think my grammar is what?"
"No, why would I think that I'm your grammar?"
"Why would anyone think that you're my grandma?"
"Why would you think that I thought that you thought that I'm your grandma? And what has this got to do with a supernuclear splash?"
"Why would what?"
"That doesn't make any grammatical sense."
"What?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you saying yes?"
"Why are you saying my name?"
"Saying what?"
"Yes! You're saying my name!"
"No I'm not!"
"Are too!"
"Don't bring Star Wars into this!"
There was a brief, confused silence. "And how does Star Wars have anything to do with anything?" Another pause, in which Seventh, the guard and What tried to comprehend the question with their less-than-able minds.
"What?"
"Yes?"
"Oh, for the love of a suitably powerful and benevolent deity! Cease your discourse!" cried Seventh.
"What?"
"Yes?"
"It has come to my attention," said Seventh, "That this conversation is akin to a square. Except that instead of corners, it has no physical edges. And instead of being a two-dimensional geometric shape, it's a pointless trade of confusion and all-around misunderstanding. And rather than being visible, it's intangible and also made of vibrations in air molecules that are not in any way like squares. It has also just come to my attention that this comparison is in fact completely irrelevant to anything that anyone has ever or will ever do, nor does it make any sense in the current context."
"What?"
"Yes?"
"Stop. Talking. I think I've just had enough stupidity today to last me a lifetime. Guard, get lost."
"But my name's Chad!"
"Get lost," was Sanity's answer, and Chad had to leave with that.
"Young kids nowadays, just assuming we're all secondary characters in someone else's story," he muttered as he left, the pile of weapons untouched.
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"Okay, let's go to the Gym. I want to leave this cesspit of stupidity as quickly as possible. As in, as soon as I beat whoever the leader is. Which should be within three minutes of going through the doors," said Sanity. "Oh, wait! But the chances of me getting into the Gym is abysmal! Because somebody," he glanced pointedly at Seventh, "cannot find her way out of a shoebox."
"I most certainly can!" defended Seventh, holding a pair of saffron stiletto heels. "I just elect not to."
"In other words, you can't. Just buy some shoes and let's leave... Hang on a second. Where's What?" said Sanity, looking around the store. Considering that there was no trail of bizarre and unconnected implement leading to a location that is generally unrelated to any plot around, he figured that something cosmic must have come up.
"I believe What is-"
"No, no, don't tell me where he is. Let me hope."
"As you wish. He's directly behind you, anyway," said Seventh.
"Sanity, Seventh! There's a problem!"
Dreading the horrifying sights that would befall him, Sanity edged towards the window. Seventh, having beat him to the glass panel, thrust it open and stuck her head out. "Oh my," she said blandly.
"What?"
"Yes?"
"Could you please explain to me why a freaking tank is levelling the town? While you're at it, you might be interested to know that there are copious amounts of some strange grey powder and barrels with pictures of fires on them, and there's someone with a match. Also, everyone on the street appears to have a rifle."
"You missed the helicopter," pointed out Seventh.
"The helicopter is irrelevant! What matters," said Sanity icily, "is that the army has probably some connection to us, and I make it a general rule to avoid guns aimed at me."
"Having some connection to us? The probability of that is millions to one!" cried Seventh in outrage.
"We are demanding the individual Sanity Eldritch to turn himself over in fifteen minutes, along with any accomplices and weapons! Eight hundred and ninety-nine seconds! Eight hundred and ninety-eight seconds! Eight hundred and..."
"Why did he stop?" hissed Sanity at his companions.
"I think it was meant to be a fade-out," confided What.
"This is not a movie, What."
"Aw..."
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A bit late, but it's still within the Wednesday to Friday limit! (At least, where I come from. Sorry if you live in Japan or Australia or something.