Chapter Nine

Kaoru and his relationship with Tamaki

"Amazing, no?" Tamaki says, making his smile two times bigger than it naturally was, "Even though you two are apart for three years, you still look the same. Same hair cut and even the same height."

We had sat down to dinner. I don't exactly know how we had moved past that awkward scenario. I think it had something to do with Tamaki asking when dinner was ready, and Hikaru replying that he had been starving ever since he had gotten off the plane. I guess I had been the only one still a little shocked, because I haven't said a word to either of them. I had just set the table and we dug in, Tamaki complimenting something. But I hadn't paid attention.

How the hell could I have forgotten that Hikaru's plane was today?!?! I mean, did I even know? He sent me a letter didn't he? Or did he stop sending letters after I had? I look at both of them. How the hell can they look so comfortable?!?! I had barely touched my food and yet they sit there eating, even say a word or too. I was just too stunned.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see my brother. I've missed him and thought about him from time to time. But my worlds changed in a huge way when he wasn't around. I just don't really know how to act around him. Which is stupid, isn't it? He's my brother, my twin. Words should flow easily for me. Yet I'm just too speechless. My breath is taken away.

I look over at Tamaki, whose eyes are already set on me. I blush and stare back at my food. Yes, he's the reason I stopped sending those letters. We didn't start dating right when Hikaru left. Actually, I hadn't even been interested. I was still so set on my brother. Expecting him to get better. To come back to me soon. I wrote Hikaru every chance I had. And his replies were the world to me. Because, even through all that drama, I didn't want our relationship to cut off. He was still my brother, even if he was miles away.

Then, on the nights were I just couldn't take it anymore, when the loneliness just bit at me and bit at me; I began to cut myself. And I was good at hiding it too. Until Tamaki found out and went into a fury. He said he'd never leave my side, he'd never let me be that lonely again. And I took comfort in that. That someone would bother to be there for me. And that relationship grew when he finally confessed his feelings for me. When he finally said that he couldn't be apart from me. And of course, I couldn't be apart from him either. And soon he was all I needed. I stopped writing the letters. And Hikaru never wrote back anyway. I guess I had thought that we had finally gone our separate ways.

And look where that got me; smack dab in the most awkward position ever. I sighed. Then I glanced over at Hikaru. He was playing with his food. I leaned on my elbow. I guess I did miss him sometimes. Especially when Tamaki was at work. And I would just clean and cook and I'd let my mind wander. Wander off to think about Hikaru; how he was doing. Did he miss me? When was he coming home? Was he coming home?

I fell real hard for Tamaki once Hikaru had disappeared from the picture. Tamaki took his place and I think, he was much better at it. Tamaki never got drunk. Or smoked. Or called me names. We had fights sometimes, but they'd always end in makeup sex.

I blushed. I hope Tamaki doesn't bring that up. I mean, I don't think he would but- Wah! I mean, it'd be so awkward! I told Tamaki, way before our first time, that Hikaru and I had slept together. And even then, before we had started dating, I think he was jealous. Pissed, yes. Jealous, a bit. I smiled to myself. Tamaki must've had feelings for me for a long time.

"Kaoru, you keep making strange feelings." Tamaki chuckled, "What're you thinking about?"

I went red, "Um, well, I'll clear the table."

"Here, I'll help too." Hikaru said, getting up from the table.

"Me too." Tamaki pushes his chair in.

I see Hikaru glare at him. I bend one of my fingers nervously before we begin scrapping plates and washing dishes. I sort of have the feeling that Hikaru still likes me. In the non brotherly sort of way. Or it could just be my imagination. But, I could've sworn-I mean, it's not like I'm hoping-am I hoping? No, of course not. Because I have Tamaki. And Tamaki is all I need. And just to prove it I smile warmly at him as he hands me a plate to dry off. He smiles back.

Damn it, Damn it, Damn it! Why does it have to be like this?! I don't to be like some stupid love torn teenage girl! I have a boyfriend, I have a brother. Their two total different things! A boyfriend can't be a brother; a brother can't be a boyfriend. I need something for my headache.

Tamaki is reliable. He'll be there for me through thick and thin. He'll support me and love me and be the best boyfriend he could possibly be. He's so kind and gentle and works for the needs of other people. He thinks of other's before himself and-he's so incredibly funny and gullible and eccentric. Which makes me love him all the more.

And Hikaru; how can I wrap this all up in one paragraph? He's moody, and mean, and a drunk and he's called me names, and fought over things that don't make sense. He'll die by lung cancer or liver failure. He'll never be there for me, I can't trust him or know when he'll be home or not. I never know what he's thinking or feeling or what he wants. He's just this huge mystery that I don't think I can solve. He's a puzzle with too many pieces.

"Well," Hikaru sighs, "I think I'm off to bed."

"Right, I'll show you to the guest bedroom." We go into the extra room. He sets his backpack down and sits on the bed. I pull out a blanket and sheets from the closet. We both make the bed together. And when I think it's getting a bit too awkward, I decide to leave.

"Kaoru?"

I turn around before closing the door.

"I'm really happy to be home. And to see you." He edges a little closer, "I missed you."

He wraps his arms gently around me. I hug him back. And I am swept over with guilt. I watch him climb into bed before I turn off the lights and head into my own room. Tamaki is already lying down. I crawl into bed with him and hold tightly onto his shoulders. He turns and covers my ear with his hands and begins to caress them. I close my eyes.

And as Tamaki tries to help me fall asleep, to forget about the past hour and calm my nerves down; the guilt brakes down my barriers. I know I tried to hold it in when Hikaru was around, but now it's just pulsing through my veins, knocking on my pressure points.

I barely even talked to Hikaru today. Didn't even say hi. Or that I was happy to see him today. That he was home. All I did was think terribly of him. Think about the past, and how he messed up so badly. How I doubted his ability to be able to quit drinking. He didn't come home drunk, did he? So why had I been so hard on him?

Maybe, I thought as I close my eyes, maybe I was trying to justify mine and Tamaki's relationship compared to the one Hikaru and I had had.