CHAPTER TEN – When I Make a Promise

They lay together for a long time while the wind blew snow against the window. Kenny kissed him repeatedly, until his face became its usual serene, happy self again and he started kissing him back, nipping playfully at Kenny's lips. The daylight was starting to fade when Butters finally looked away from Kenny's face. He sighed. "Much as I hate to say this, but I think one of us should at least think about starting dinner."

"Yeah." Neither of them moved for a moment. "I guess you're right."

Butters started to get up. "I'll go make something. You want my baked ziti?"

Kenny put a hand on Butters' forearm, gently restraining him from getting out of bed. He knew he had something he needed to fix here. "Ziti sounds great Butters. But…can we talk about something for a minute first, though?"

"Sure, Kenny!" Butters laid his head back down on Kenny's chest and Kenny wrapped both of his arms around him. "Is everything okay?"

"Ah, Butters." Kenny didn't know how to begin this. Any conversation he tried to start about the possibility of him dying would just make him sound like he was possibly suicidal. "Take a look at where I am right now, and what I'm doing. Nothing could be better than this." He hugged Butters tighter for a second to demonstrate what he meant by 'this'. "And I meant what I said before, about growing old with you." He sighed. "But there is something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

"Okay." Butters hugged him gently around his ribcage, then fisted a hand on his shirt as he lay listening to Kenny's heartbeat.

"That…movie." Kenny said. "Any time I ever watched it before, it was mostly just for the cool special effects and the disaster; but that couple…I never really paid much attention to that part before today. And I kind of wish maybe I hadn't of suggested we watch it—"

"Oh Kenny, I loved it! It feels good to cry like that once in awhile, you know? Because it feels great afterwards when you've stopped, especially if someone's there holding you. If I'd been watching it alone, I probably would have turned it off before their ice machine broke. But I knew you would take care of me."

Kenny pressed his face into Butters' blond cowlicks and kissed his scalp. "Oh God…just. I love you, Butters."

"Oh geez, I know you do!" Butters said emphatically. "And you know I just worship you! You tell me you love me all the time, you know, even when you don't actually say it, like how you hold doors open for me, and hold onto my arm when we're walking on ice."

Kenny closed his eyes; what Butters was saying were the sweetest words he'd ever heard said to him. He treasured each one as Butters continued.

"You want to know the first time you told me you loved me, Kenny? It was when you found me outside freezing and put your coat around me, and told me you had to go find something to free me, but you'd only be gone a couple minutes." Butters' fist tightened on his shirt for a moment. "I think some people might have thought it was too much trouble, and figured they'd given me their coat to wear, and just left me there after that…but I knew right then you weren't going to do that." Butters hugged him tighter with the arm not lying on his stomach. "I knew you would come back for me."

They lay quietly for a minute, and then Butters said, "But just listen to me, going on. You said you had something to say?" He raised his head to look at Kenny and was surprised to see tears leaking down the sides of Kenny's face. "Oh, Kenny…" He gently wiped the tears away with the sides of his index fingers. "What is it?"

"Oh God, Butters." Kenny pulled him back to his chest again. "What you just said to me. My own mother never said anything that nice." Kenny raised a hand when it seemed like Butters wanted to say something else. "No, let me get this out. I, um. I would be lost without you, Butters. And I know how much you depend on me, too. And…all I can really tell you is that I promise I'll do everything I possibly can to be here, always…shit, I'll quit smoking cigarettes for you. I'm going to have one more after dinner tonight, and then I'm done. I uh… I'll always look both ways before crossing the street…but. No one can promise that nothing bad will ever happen." He kissed Butters' hair again. "But I can promise you one thing, and you know that when I make a promise, I'm going to keep that promise, no matter what."

Kenny started rubbing Butters' back as he went on: "So…what I will promise you…is that if anything ever happens to me, YOU will be okay. I know it'll hurt, worse than anything ever did before…but if something bad ever happens to me, you need to hang in there, let Stan and Kyle take care of you, and I know you'll be all right. And this isn't something I'm just saying. It's something I know."

Kenny didn't like how this was coming out. It didn't sound reassuring at all, and even worse, he knew he was getting very close to a line he isn't supposed to cross, but he had chosen his words carefully in that regard at least, and he didn't go over it. If he had said because if I die, I'll just be back in a day or two, and you'll forget all about it, that would be crossing the line, and if he somehow convinced Butters that he was telling the truth, it would ruin everything. Kenny would probably die within the hour from some ridiculous household accident (and Satan would make sure Butters was there to witness it)…and he would never come back. Satan had promised him that just as sure as what Kenny was promising Butters now.

"I love you, Butters," he said for what felt like the tenth time in the past hour, because it was so true. "And all that shit I just said didn't come out the way I wanted it to at all. This is about what you said before, about me never dying. I wish I could promise you that…but you know I can't, and I won't ever promise you anything I can't deliver on. But it was something I had to say. I need you to know you'll be okay if…God forbid… and you will be."

"Kenny, you're okay, right?" Butters looked upset.

"Yes, Butters, yes. I'm happier than I've ever been." He traced his fingers lightly down Butters' back. "Everything is good Butters, and it will be for a long time to come; please, just remember what I said, okay?"

"All right." He still looked uncertain.

"Butters…I am so happy with the way my life is. I've never been happier than I am right now." He held the sides of Butters' head and looked directly into his eyes. "I want to grow old with you, Butters. I'm going to remind you to take Geritol every day, and not to wear black socks with sandals."

Butters finally smiled, recalling an incident with his grandma. "And I'll remind you that the car keys don't belong in the freezer." They smiled at each other. "I'm going to go make dinner now." He kissed Kenny, hard. "I love you."

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The next morning, Butters wanted to go grocery shopping, and Kenny asked him if he minded going alone. The snow plows had just been through that morning, clearing the roads and the grocery store was only three miles away down mostly residential streets, otherwise Kenny would have insisted on going along. "There's something I need to take care of here." Butters nodded agreeably, and as soon as they'd kissed and hugged goodbye and Butters had driven off, Kenny bundled up in a sweat shirt and his parka and set out on foot, locking the front door behind him. He walked until he had a choice to make: Left for Stan's house or straight ahead for Kyle's. He pulled out his phone and texted Kyle:

Where R U guys and can I come over? It was a given that wherever they were, they were together, especially on a Sunday, even after last night's blizzard; and Kenny pointedly hadn't asked if they were busy like he usually would have. He hoped he wasn't interrupting anything too important.

His phone rang almost immediately. "Hey Kenny. We're at Stan's." Kenny made that left turn and started walking faster. "Is everything okay?"

"I've been a lot better I guess. Is it all right if I come over?"

"Of course. Where are you?"

"I'll be knocking on Stan's door in about two minutes." When he reached their driveway, they were already standing at the front door, waiting for him.

"My parents and Shelly are out, it's just us," Stan said as Kenny stomped snow off his boots just outside the door. He took off his boots and stepped into the living room in his socks, grateful to be inside where it was warm again.

"Kenny?" Kyle asked once they were sitting together on the couch. "I know you two didn't have a fight; what's wrong?"

Kenny was visibly trembling. "No, it's nothing like that. I don't think I'll ever argue with him about anything. We just had a really fucked up, weird day yesterday and there's some shit I need to get straightened out because of it. Oh, and the fact that I quit smoking cigarettes yesterday isn't helping either…and I would fucking kill for one right now, even if I have to tell him about it—he'd understand."

"Geez, Kenny," Kyle tried, not sure how to answer him. Stan had something useful to say though.

"I've got a couple cigarettes Kenny, if you'd like one." They both looked at him in surprise. He explained with a lopsided smile. "They're in the back of my underwear drawer, and they're about eight years old, so I hope they're still good." He was already moving toward the stairs. "I have some Jameson Whiskey too, if you'd like that." Stan laughed sadly. "You know…from those days."

Kyle nodded; he knew what Stan meant. They were left over from what he thought of as the dark days, the days when Stan had been so cynical and depressed all the time that it had nearly ripped their friendship apart.

Kenny nodded. "Thanks, Stan." Stan disappeared up the stairs and Kenny looked at his feet. "Shit. I sure didn't mean to bring that up. I'm just causing trouble everywhere I go."

Kyle ignored that. "You'll have to smoke outside, you know." He stood up, and watched as Stan came back down, carrying a crumpled pack of cigarettes. He handed them to Kenny, who took one out with trembling fingers. There were three more left in the pack, which he handed back to Stan. "Don't give me any more of these, please. I just need one" He stood up. "I guess outside the front door?"

"Yeah, Kenny. That's fine. Do you want company?"

"Yes—" He almost said, 'yes, please,' but then stopped, leaving it at just the single word. 'Yes please' was something he reserved for Butters. They put on their coats and stood outside Stan's front door, Kenny gratefully lighting the cigarette and taking a deep drag from it.

"So…" Kyle asked after Kenny had had a few minutes to calm down. "What's going on?"

"I made the mistake of watching the movie The Perfect Storm with him yesterday. It really got to him." Kenny was watching Kyle; he was sure they both had seen it, but if anyone would understand what he meant, Kyle would. It looked like he did too, because a look of understanding flashed across his face.

"Oh…that couple…"

"Yeah. And now he's all freaked out about me dying. And I keep thinking, if I did, I don't think he would do very well with it." He took a deep drag off the cigarette and said: "Guys, I need a favor."

"Sure, Kenny," Stan replied. "Anything. What can we do?"

"Oh fuck, I hope nothing, ever. But just promise me something. If anything ever does happen to me…uh, would you please stay with him for awhile, make sure he's okay?"

"Of course we will," Kyle said. "We would do that anyway."

"Yeah, but…this is going to sound really egotistical, but treat it like it was a suicide watch. At least for a day or two. I'm really worried about him, if something happens…" And I'll be back soon and you'll all forget I died and everything will be hunky dory again.

"We will, Kenny. It's this important to you, then you have my word on it." Stan reached out to shake his hand; Kenny had to switch his cigarette to his other hand to shake back.

"Mine too, Kenny." Kyle shook his hand next.

They looked at each other for a moment. Kenny ground the cigarette out into the snow and put the butt into his coat pocket. "Thanks, you two," he said sincerely. He looked down at his feet. "You know I would do anything for you guys, right?"

"Yeah, dude. We do know," Stan said. "That's why I'm not ever going to forget we had this conversation." Kyle nodded in agreement. "The four of us are all going to be celebrating our retirements together someday, you just watch. And Kenny…if what you said, you know, happens…we got your back, okay?"

Stan's sincerity, and Kyle nodding as he agreed with every word, convinced Kenny that he'd accomplished what he had set out to do. "Thanks, guys." He looked up at the sky for a moment; it was probably getting close to noon. "I should probably go, too. He just went to the grocery store, and I want to get back before he does."

"I could give you a ride if you like." Stan was already pulling his keys out of his pocket. "It's pretty cold outside."

Kenny nodded. "Thanks, Stan." Stan locked his front door and they walked to his driveway together. Just as they were about to get into the car, Kenny's cell phone went off with Butters' ringtone. He grinned as he pulled his phone from his pocket and held it up, letting the song's refrain play in its entirety to his captive audience. Kyle rolled his eyes at their choice of ringtones; it was the chorus from Nazareth's 'Enough Love':

I've got enough! love now / I've got enough! love now / I've got enough! / I've got enough! (love) / I've got enough! love now.

Kenny answered his phone. "Butterballs!" he said happily, and smiled even wider as Butter's laugher pealed from the phone. That was the first time Kenny had ever called him that.

"Hey, Kenny! I just called to tell you I'm leaving the grocery store. As soon as I load up and take the cart back, I should be home in about ten minutes."

"Why don't you make it fifteen minutes and drive extra careful, okay?"

"Oh, all right." Kenny could hear the smile in his voice. "I'll see you then. I love you!"

"I love you too. See you soon." Kenny hung up. "He's just leaving the store. We have plenty of time." They got into Stan's car, Kenny in the back, and as they were backing into the street, Kyle's phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and frowned before answering it.

"Hey, Butters." Kenny leaned forward against the front seat, trying to listen. Kyle said into the phone: "Good…Uh huh, yeah, me and Stan are just, uh, driving home from lunch" He looked Kenny straight in the eyes. "Yeah, that was a lot of snow yesterday." His eyes narrowed as he listened for a moment. "Sure, Butters. I can do it right now, if you want me to….No, it's no problem…I'll call you later today, okay?…Yeah, you're welcome." He closed his phone and looked at Kenny. "Kenny…he wants me to call you, and ask you if you're 'okay.' He said he was worried about you, and said you seemed a little 'off' yesterday, and just wanted me to ask."

"Shit. This is my fault…although having my boyfriend fall to pieces over a sad movie and asking me to promise never to die…that, and giving up cigarettes yesterday. I guess that did put me a little off. When you call him later, tell him…most of what I just said, in your own words…and tell him I'm fine. I really am."

They arrived at Kenny and Butters' house and sat at the curb for a moment saying their goodbyes. Just before Kenny opened the door, Kyle said: "You two are really, really happy together, aren't you." It wasn't a question. "I mean, yesterday's movie aside…it's really good for you guys, isn't it?"

Kenny smiled. "It's the best, man." He opened the door, got out, and looked back in on them. "Yeah…I love my life. I love him. And…" He nodded at them one more time. "I love you guys, too." He quickly slammed the door and walked away. He could feel them staring after him for a few moments before they drove off.

Mindful of the cigarette he had just smoked, Kenny went inside, went to the bathroom, washed his hands, and brushed his teeth. He figured one small lie by omission was okay, and mentioning that he'd had a cigarette would lead to questions. He was glad he'd had that talk with Stan and Kyle.

He went back to the living room and heard Butters pulling into the driveway. He went outside to help carry groceries in, and once everything was inside and piled up on the table they fell against each other, kissing like they hadn't seen each other in days.

"Butterballs, huh?" Butters breathed into Kenny's mouth. Kenny laughed against his lips.

"Yeah, well, you know…"

Butters watched him closely as he said: "How'd you like to go upstairs and butter them up right now?" He loved watching Kenny's pupils dilate when he said things like that.

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A/N: The video for Nazareth's 'Enough Love' (where Butters' ringtone comes from) is posted on my livejournal (fallingwthstyle dot livejournal dot com) in case anyone wants to hear it. If you do, take a look at the guy (the band's drummer) at 4:20 in the video. I think he looks just like middle-aged Kenny will look, right down to his orange parka :)

Comments on this story are appreciated!