When in the course of Thedas events, it becomes necessary for one person to explain the details of your love life, remember this one, very important fact: never, ever, let the golem answer on your behalf. Ever.

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Once Upon a Time: The Stone Never Forgets

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Once upon a time, it was in love? That is all it can recall? Well, I suppose it is inevitable given the events of the past year or so that its flesh mind would be unable to recall the exact timing and nature of what transpired on our journey, but it still seems a bit early to have forgotten the details to such an egregious degree. Still, since it is obviously in need of assistance to relay the tale, I shall gladly provide it.

No, of course I don't mind. It should be quite amusing, in fact. Now, let me see, where to begin...

Well, I suppose I could start with the most interesting part of your journey. Does it recall? That atrocious little town of Honnleath, naturally, where I had spent the previous thirty years in the most dreadful sort of captivity: boredom. Nothing to do but watch the foolish flesh creatures go about their boring routine and their boring lives and their boring coupling rituals - oh, the very thought of it makes me cringe. And then there were the birds... oh yes, the birds...

Yes, yes, I know that it started its journey in Ostagar, but I decided to start at the interesting part, to keep their attention. It should know how limited the attention span of its fellow flesh creatures is, does it not? However, since the inquiry is related to its nocturnal activities and not necessarily the other details of its journey - not that it kept those activities restricted to the hours of the night, it must be noted - perhaps I should restrict my own comments to those activities as well.

That is rather an interesting color it has decided to adopt. Has it perhaps engaged in nocturnal activities? I had noticed that red is its dominant color following such exercises when we were-

That was a rather rude retort. Well, since it seems to be incapable of simple civility at this point in time, I shall endeavor to fully answer the question on its behalf. Unless it would prefer the squishy response? Ah, I rather suspected that would be the case. Shall I continue?

Its nocturnal activities, if I recall correctly, began shortly after the painted elf joined the party. Although what one could possibly perceive to be of value in a flesh creature that attempted to end its already tragically short existence is beyond my ability to comprehend. I suppose that it is the flesh itself which slows down the thought processes, preventing any clarity or cleverness from manifesting in its fragile state. Thankfully, this is not an issue for me.

The noise, as I recalled, was quite annoying, particularly during the first few nights. It was rather amusing to hear the complaints of the other flesh creatures when their sleep is disturbed, since I cannot, of course, sleep and had to endure the sounds for hours and hours with no surcease. Honestly, how many different ways can it think of to shout to its invisible sky mage in various whiny and high-pitched tones of voice, anyway?

No, I don't think that is too much information in the slightest. It isn't as if it tried too hard to hide its activities, even when outside the camp. Does it recall the time it asked me to stand in front of the painted elf and itself inside that store in Denerim - oh, what was it called? Ah, yes the Wonders of Thedas - so that it could "test the magical efficacy of the Chasind fertitily carving?"

Interesting. Now it is a far deeper shade of red. Why is the painted elf hiding its face and shaking? *Sigh* The foibles of flesh creatures are quite incomprehensible. It is indeed a wonder that they are considered the power on the face of Thedas.

Now, where was I...? Ah, yes.

It wasn't too long after that, of course, that its attention wandered to the sister. Now, this I could understand a bit better, as the sister is much more kind, if a bit misguided in some of her beliefs. However, if I had thought that any sort of aural reprieve would result from this change of partners, I was completely mistaken. No, it wasn't the singing and humming, though the incessant love songs were a bit grating after the first week, I will admit. And no, it wasn't the multiple renditions of stories of dead flesh creatures and their tears somehow being stars, or some such nonsense. No, it was the fact that now there were two voices calling to the invisible sky mage in endless repetition each night. What is it with the female of its species that invokes them to call out to an invisible sky mage whilst engaging in nocturnal - or diurnal, in its case - activities? It is quite tiring to listen to, hours on end, day after night after-

Well, yes I suppose I have sufficiently summarized its many activities with the sister. If this is the case, as it so correctly pointed out, then I suppose I must move on to the worst one of them all.

The clown knight? With its snoring, and its odd nose pulling, and its jokes that are not funny, and its... its... pike twirling. And it eats birds. Birds! Those filth-ridden vermin of Thedas, and it eats them! And enjoys it! Disgusting! The painted elf, at least, was experienced in nocturnal activities before it began the nightly massages. But the clown knight made it quite clear that it was a complete fool in the tent as well as elsewhere.

An odd choice of phrase, that. How can I let it lie when it is standing right next to me? The odd little turns of phrases that the flesh creatures utilize is beyond my comprehension at times.

At any rate, although it was amusing at first to hear a male of the species cry out to the invisible sky mage, that unique aspect quickly palled when it became quite evident that the clown knight preferred outdoor erotic activities with it. I mean, really, was it truly necessary to engage in such activities behind a well next to the Chantry in Denerim? Yes, I know the clown knight felt it an appropriate prank, but I fail to perceive the humor in the situation.

Odd, now the clown knight is turning quite the same shade of crimson as it has been sporting. I shall have to keep this in mind as an excellent way to keep it warm. Thus when it is cold, it will not need to ask the clown knight to dash off to the nearest grove of trees to-

Ah, it is leaving I see. My word, what a rude gesture. It is experiencing its time of the month, I suppose. I shall alert the swamp witch to make up some more of that concoction for it. I don't think it wants a repeat of that unfortunate incident in Orzammar. I don't think that the proper way to select a monarch is to concuss it with its own crown, no matter the provocation.

To each their own, I suppose.

Oh, and since you flesh creatures seem to need to be told when the tale is over: The End

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invisible sky mage = Maker (based on the 'invisible sky wizard = God' in our world)