Just as they did every Thursday morning, the Decepticon troops on Earth had gathered in the command room for their weekly briefing. Every mech was fighting for space or grousing about why Megatron didn't just address them in the mess-hall; at least they could actually all fit in there.
However, no mech failed to notice the absence of the Decepticon commander. Ah, but he had been ill or something, hadn't he? The cassetticons had never said exactly what was wrong with him. In times like these, the briefing was handed to Starscream. But the second in command was nowhere to be found either. Naturally, in this worst case scenario, it was then left to Soundwave to drone their orders at them in minute detail for the next three hours. But, just like Starscream, the third in command was also missing.
"Right!" Skywarp yelled over the chattering, walking over to the platform his superiors usually stood on. "As joint-fourth in command - "
"Since when are you fourth in command!?" someone demanded, prompting a few noises of agreement. "I thought that was Shockwave!"
"Joint-fourth in command with Thundercracker!" Skywarp corrected irritably. "Nobody cares about Shockwave! Not even Megatron cares about Shockwave! Why do you think we left him on Cybertron?!"
"Logically, we're the fourth in command," Thundercracker explained, much more patiently than his purple counterpart. "As Starscream's trine, we are the next level down from him. Soundwave, being third in command, bumps us down into fourth. The cassetticons aren't allowed to be commanding officers, they're sparklings."
"Never get a thing done with them in command," Skywarp agreed.
"Does that make us the fifth in command?" one of the Coneheads asked.
"No, just - oh shut up! All of you! This isn't important! What's important is, where the slag are our commanding officers?!" Thundercracker shouted over the growing noise.
"Megatron was sick, isn't that why we had the party?" someone asked.
"Yeah, but Starscream and Soundwave were both there," Shrapnel pointed out.
"I saw Soundwave sneaking around, come to think of it," Blitzwing said, scratching his head.
"When is he not sneaking around, aft-head?" snorted Astrotrain.
"I could have sworn I saw Starscream's wing turning a corridor earlier," Scrapper remembered suddenly. "But when I looked around the corner, there was nobody there."
Skywarp looked at Thundercracker helplessly. Maybe this had something to do with Starscream's tantrum yesterday? Maybe their commanding officers had all killed each other in an epic bloodbath? Starscream had written some ridiculous instructions once for them in case of this situation ever happening - mostly involving statues of himself being put up around the Decepticon empire and erasing all data on Megatron and Soundwave.
"Alright, shut your vocalizers!" Thundercracker roared decisively. "Skywarp and I declare this a day off for everybody. We'll meet back here in 24 hours, and if none of our commanding officers have shown up, we'll decide what to do then."
"And then we will party," Skywarp added gravely.
Megatron lay back in his berth in Darkmount while Shockwave pulled up a chair next to him, sitting down with a large, clunky datapad.
"You're sure you know how to do this?" the Decepticon commander asked suspiciously, optics narrowing.
"Well, I…I suppose. I have had psychiatric training, but I've never used it on one of my superiors before," Shockwave muttered, more to himself than in reply to Megatron. "I usually used it in dealing with my test subjects. Most sessions were followed by horrifying experiments."
The silver tyrant twitched, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
"Right. Ahem. Let's begin," Shockwave cleared his vocalizer, crossing one leg over the other. "What…eh, seems to be the problem? Be honest, Megatron. Express yourself."
"I…yes, I'm having some…problems," he stammered, feeling incredibly stupid. Thank Primus it was only Shockwave left here in Darkmount. "You see, I'm…lacking certain emotional programming, but…my…spark is trying to make me feel the emotions I'm missing."
"And what emotions would they be?"
Megatron mumbled something very, very quietly.
"Pardon?"
"LOVE, IMBECILE! LOVE!" he roared, sitting up in his berth abruptly. "I can't take it anymore! Four million years of this slag! Soundwave's mental blocks used to help, but even then my spark got in the way of everything! I couldn't kill him, I couldn't exile him, I couldn't get rid of him, everywhere I turned he was there!"
"Who? Soundwave?" Shockwave asked incredulously. "You love Soundwave!?"
"No, fool! Starscream! Why would I try to kill Soundwave?!" snapped Megatron.
"Well, um…let's calm down, shall we?" the purple Decepticon asked nervously. "What…exactly, do you feel when you look at Starscream?"
"I feel like space barnacles are crawling around inside me," Megatron grunted. "It's all...crawly."
"And?"
"And? And…I feel like…I want to give him a hug. And then I feel like I want to shoot him, for making me want to give him a hug, because that is just disgusting," Megatron shuddered. "But then…I feel bad for wanting to shoot him, and then I want to give him a…oh Primus…a kiss. Which makes me want to kill him."
"But Starscream isn't making you feel like that," Shockwave pointed out. "It's your own spark producing those feelings in reaction to looking at Starscream."
"YOU DARE TO INSULT ME!?" Megatron shouted, standing up on his berth to loom over Shockwave.
"Listen, Megatron, you asked me to counsel you," Shockwave huffed. "Now do you want to continue or not?"
Megatron opened his mouth to scream something else at the purple guardian, raising a hand in fury - then closed it, thinking better of yelling some more. He lay back down on the berth with a scowl. "Fine."
"Very well. Now tell me - why is it that you weren't programmed to feel love in the first place?"
"I was…a soldier. A long time ago, before I was even a gladiator. Then the wars ended, and they stuck me and all the other soldiers in the energon mines. Why would I need to know how to love someone? I was just a soldier, designed for killing," recounted the Decepticon commander acidly.
"Have you ever considered getting the programming installed?" Shockwave asked, perplexed by this whole situation.
"Never!" Megatron gasped, outraged. "I'm the commander of an entire army! I'm feared throughout the galaxy! Imagine what that would do to my reputation, getting emotional programming fixes!"
"…You are aware that you're the only one in the Decepticon army, save perhaps, the drones, that cannot process love?" Shockwave replied tartly.
"Of course I - what?" The Silver tyrant looked towards his makeshift psychiatrist in shock.
"How can you process hate correctly if you do not have love to compare it to?" sighed Shockwave romantically. Megatron felt himself gag a little. "Even with one eye, I know that Starscream is beautiful…well, when he's not scowling at me. Or shooting me. Or insulting me. Or…but anyway. Were I in your position as Decepticon commander, I would happily abuse my power to get Starscream."
There was an odd bubble of sensation in the silver tyrant's chest - something told him it was a mix between jealousy and anger at the thought of Shockwave taking advantage of Starscream. The feelings worried him more than the thought. "Fine then, Doctor Shockwave," he hissed, "what do you suggest?"
"Well, if you aren't going to get the programming installed, I suggest you embrace the feelings," nodded the guardian sagely. "You cannot allow yourself to fear them. Take them, and use them as a strength, bend them to your will! You've conquered hundreds of planets, led your army through scores of galaxies - when it comes to meet the great unmaker, are you really going to tell him that the one thing you couldn't conquer was Starscream of all mechs!?"
"I…I need to think about this," Megatron mumbled, expression blank with a slight tinge of worry. "Shockwave. Dismissed," he ordered.
"Yes, my lord!" Shockwave saluted, turning to leave.
Well, that had gone about as well as could be expected.