"We want that freak off the boat!"
Chrom could only rub his temple tiredly as a group of very angry—and very loud—Shepherds stood before him, all of them pouring out their grievances at the same time thus making it impossible for him to make out what they were trying to say; though he had a sneaking suspicion of what it could be.
"If you could all calm down and speak one at a time," Chrom asked to deaf ears; if anything the crowd simply seemed to get louder and more riled up with every second. The exalt turned to his second in command, hoping that he could in some way alleviate the situation.
"Allow me milord," bringing his fingers to his mouth Fredrick began whistling loud enough for everyone to stop yelling and cover their ears in discomfort. Once they were all silent the knight stepped back and gave the floor back to his lord.
"Thank you Frederick. Now then, it is clear that there is something bothering all of you and I intend to get to the bottom of this. So why don't you tell me, as calmly as possible, what the issue seems to be—"
"The issue?! I'll tell you what the issue is!" Sully interrupted, "The "issue" is that we've been stuck with the biggest freak in all of Ylisse for the past week and we've had it!"
"Look, I understand that Robin can be difficult to be around—"
"Difficult does not even begin to describe him! The other day he asked me if my thighs were strong enough to crush a man's skull, and when I told him he was about to find out he just winked and thanked me!"
"Despite the fact that I have told him repeatedly that I have only eyes for the fairer sex, he keeps trying to court me whenever he's not inviting me to a game of strip chess; to which he insists on giving me, in his own words, a half way handicap!" Virion exclaimed.
"He keeps ogling Teach during training, and whenever I ask him what he's doing all he does is smile and purr; I had to start wearing a shirt because of that!" Vaike pointed at the aforementioned garment.
"At least he doesn't constantly try to talk to you and point out that you are "dull and boring" while offering to "help" you become more interesting and…desirable," Stalh shuddered.
"He keeps offering "himself" to me as a substitution for women; I am this close to stabbing him," Lon'qu said coldly.
"If I hear ONE more indecent request from that man I swear to Naga I'm going to kill him myself even if I have to bludgeon him to death with a healing staff!" Maribelle yelled shrilly.
"On that note he continues to make inappropriate comments towards you commander Chrom; w-which is bad for morale!" Cordelia said quickly, hoping that nobody noticed the faint blush on her cheeks.
The group began talking over each other louder and louder until Frederick silenced them once more with his loud whistling.
"Thank you. Now then, I have heard all of your complaints, and I can see that Robin has crossed a line. Several, actually. I'll talk to him and let him know—"
"You know damn well that that's going to do bull!" Sully snapped, to which everyone agreed, "that guy just isn't right, and you need to be aggressive and reign him in. If it was one of us pulling all this crap you would have forced us to endure one of Frederick's insane workout regimes for an entire week!"
"Does he look like the sort of person who would consider that a punishment?"
"That's not the point! You're the freaking exalt and commander of this army, so start acting like it! Put him in his place or else we will!"
"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just talked to your commander in a manner that could easily get you demoted and instead ask you what exactly do you think I can do in this situation?" Chrom asked patiently.
"I don't know, get creative! Lock him in the brig and feed him nothing but water and stale bread until we arrive at Valm!"
"Reduce him to stable maintenance for the rest of the campaign!"
"I say we cuff him and force him to stay up in the crow's nest for the rest of the trip!"
"Let's just tie him up and toss him on one of the life boats for the rest of the voyage!"
"I say fifty lashes on his back; we've got the whips!"
"Have Frederick "accidently" break his jaw, then he won't be able to talk anymore!"
"Why don't we just toss him overboard and say there was a storm? We could even dispose a couple of ships to make it more believable!"
"Well that got dark real quick," they heard a new voice say behind them.
Everyone immediately turned around, finding a large desk behind them where there hadn't been one before, a single chair positioned on the other side; the chair swivelled around revealing Robin leaning forward with his hands covering him mouth but his gaze steely and cold.
"Well, well, well, the Shepherds. We meet again."
"Robin! When d—"
"Wait, no, that didn't feel right. Let me try again," the man interrupted before turning his chair around again before anyone could say anything else.
"Well, well, well, the Shepherds," the chaired swilled once more, this time revealing the prince with one leg crossed over the other, leaning on one arm and holding a glass of wine while sporting an amused looked on his face, "we meet again. Yep, that's it, that's the one."
"What are you doing here?!" Sully yelled.
"Really? THAT'S the first question you're going to ask me and not the logistics of how I managed to sneak this desk in here without anyone noticing? Because let me tell you, it wasn't easy," he grabbed the aforementioned furniture and shook it slightly, "this thing is heavy."
"How much did you hear?" Chrom asked tentatively.
"Everything," the prince responded, his tone changing completely.
Crap, the exalt swore mentally realizing the trouble they were in. Looking around he could see that the others seemed tense and nervous, apparently realizing the same thing.
The plegian finished his drink and stood up, "You people have a lot of nerve, I'll tell you that much. Setting aside the insults and slander towards my name, I believe I also overhead plans involving restraining, harming and even killing the high prince of the country generous enough to finance your little war effort, all while standing on a plegian ship built with the sweat, blood, and tears of its citizens; and you call us barbarians," he shook his head in disappointment, "I can't imagine that will look good in the report I'll be sending back home tomorrow."
"What report?"
"The weekly report in which I detail how this campaign is doing and whether or not our funds are being utilized responsibly; you know, the reason why I was sent with you people."
"Are you trying to threaten us? Because let me tell you something chump: the Shepherds do not bow to anyone!" Sully slammed her fist on the table, followed by a resonant cheer from the others.
Without breaking eye contact Robin glared at the cavalier, "make no mistake, this is not a threat; because there is nothing here to negotiate. Regardless of what you may think otherwise, I have my pride and I will not stand by and let you—or anyone else for that matter—trample over it," he pulled a rolled up parchment from his sleeve, "Plegia will know everything that has happened here today; I suggest you prepare to face your consequences when—or should I say if—you return."
Sully suddenly snatched the parchment from his hands.
"H-Hey!"
"You wouldn't mind if I took a look at what exactly I'm going to go to prison for, do you? Because I think it might be missing a few things, namely me beating the crap out of you in about 2 minutes," she sneered as she began unravelling. Once she was done she pulled the parchment open, only to be suddenly hit face first with a burst of confetti and the sound of party horns.
"GAH!" She cried out dropping the object and falling back surprised.
"Sully!"
"Pffft HA HA HA HA!" Robin burst out laughing.
"W-What!?" The cavalier asked, more confused than angry.
"Here, here, let me get that for you," the man wheezed picking up the discarded parchment and standing before her; pulling it opened he revealed a single word written in ink covering the whole page.
GOTCHA
"I knew those calligraphy lessons would come in handy one day," the man grinned putting the parchment away, "aw man, I almost didn't make it to the big reveal. I mean do you know how hard it was to keep a straight face throughout that monologue? "I have my pride", I almost lost it there."
"You...YOU—!" Sully sputtered, her body trembling in rage as she struggled to keep herself from murdering the man before her. Most of the other Shepherds felt the same, starring daggers at the white haired man but none of them daring to raise a finger at him, causing the atmosphere to become tenser with every passing second.
"Geez you people need to relax," Robin shook his head, "If you're worried about the fact that I overheard you talking smack about me behind my back and that I will somehow "retaliate" then you can stop right now. To be perfectly honest, I don't really care. Though I will say that I am a bit concerned about having to fight alongside a bunch of cowards."
"Excuse me?" Chrom asked.
"Oh, not you prince, you're fine; same with you sir Frederickson, I know what you're worth. I was talking more about these guys," he said gesturing at the rest of the Shepherds present, "cowards, the whole lot of them."
Dead silence.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU CALL US?!" Sully suddenly roared.
"Oh I'm sorry, was I not clear enough? Give me a moment," pulling out a small book from inside his robe he began leafing through its contents, "maybe I can find another way to say it that is easier to understand. How about craven? Chicken? Gutless cur? Fraidy cat? Lily livered? Faint of heart? White liver? Yellow belly? Take your pick, they all mean the same."
Sully grabbed him by his coat and pulled him close, "you think you're so clever and smart, don't you?"
"Of course not. Children who are good at school are "smart". Grownups who manage to pull off tax fraud are "clever". I, however, am a genius; though I suppose that when compared to the likes of you I am more like a higher, all knowing being," he smirked.
"THAT'S IT!" The cavalier pulled back her fist.
"Sully don't!" Chrom yelled, causing her to stop.
"Commander you can't possible expect me to just stand here and let him talk that sort of crap!"
"It's not worth it Sully! As much as I want to see him get what he deserves, it's not worth having you suffering the consequences afterwards; I'm not about to lose one of my best soldiers because for his own sick amusement!"
"...damn it!" Sully spat letting go of Robin.
"Did you not hear what I said a minute ago? I'm not going to snitch on any of you. If you really want to hurt me, then go ahead. Though you are going to have to put more effort into it. You know what they say: sticks and stones may break my bones, but first you've got to throw them."
"Do you really think we're that stupid?" Sully growled.
"Do you really want me to answer that question?"
"Hnnngh!"
"Oh my gods I can't believe I have to do this again," Robin rolled his eyes before tracing a blood red X over his chest, "I won't tell anyone, especially not my father, King Validar of Plegia, or anyone else with any sort of political influence, if you decide to beat the ever loving crap out of me right now or at any point during this campaign. This I swear by the fell dragon," he finished as the mark sank into his skin, much to everyone's shock, "you know that more I use that the less dramatic effect it has."
"What was that?!" Chrom asked.
"Oh right, you weren't there when I did it earlier. Okay, quick summary: it's a grimleal magical oath that will kill me if I don't follow the promise I just made to the last letter."
"Really? And you would just willingly do that to yourself?" Sully snorted crossing her arms.
"Sweetheart, I do worse things to myself on a daily basis."
"...okay you know what, screw this. I don't give a damn anymore; I'm going to beat the crap out of you," the cavalier cracked her knuckles.
"Please do."
"Sully he's baiting you!"
"I don't care! I'm going to pound that smug look off his face, and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!"
"Su-" the commander was cut off by his retainer grabbing his shoulder, "Frederick?"
"Perhaps it would be best to let things play out."
"Are you serious?"
"Tensions are way too high to just let things go milord. If Robin isn't punished one way or another, then our men will simply continue to bottle up all of their anger and frustration until it reaches its peak and is aimed at someone else, most likely you. For the good of this campaign, we can't let that happen; and besides, it's well deserved."
No argument there.
"...fine. But you step in and break it up the moment I tell you too, understood?"
"Of course milord."
"Ya hear that Sully? Chrom's giving you free reign! Whoop him until he cries like a baby!" Vaike jeered, the others following suit.
Standing before Robin, Sully couldn't help but grin and she punched her fist into her palm, "oh I am SO going to enjoy this."
"I'm sure you will, toots."
"...don't ever call me that."
"Whatever you say, hot lips."
*WHAM*
The cavaliers fist made contact with the man's face hard enough for him to sprawl back; however, before he could even hit the ground she tackled and then pinned him to the floor, following with her waling on him mercilessly.
"Woooh, go Sully!"
"Indeed, teach that disgusting man a well-deserved lesson!"
"Hit him in the gut! Now punch him in the jaw!"
"Knee his crotch! That will teach him!"
Chrom shook his head, "I should probably end this soon."
"I believe another minute or so shall suffice milord."
Chrom looked up at his knight, "you're enjoying this, aren't you Frederick?"
The knight didn't respond.
Sully, meanwhile, continued her onslaught on Robin, making sure that several of her punches landed on his face. Much to her annoyance, the man was not fighting back, or even making any sort of effort to defend himself. For a moment she felt slightly guilty for using so much force against someone clearly weaker than her; then she remembered who she was dealing with and proceeded to punch him across the jaw twice as hard.
"How's that feel?!" she sneered as she aimed her next punch at his gut, "you think you're so funny? Well try being funny now!" she punched him straight in his face, hitting him between his eyes, "how does that feel?!" she struck him again across his face, "how does that feel huh?!"
"Oh gods yes, just like that," Robin groaned.
Sully froze.
The entire room was suddenly quiet.
...what?
Sully looked down at the man she was straddling to the ground. Despite his face already beginning to bruise and blood trickling down from the corner of his mouth, he did not seem the least bit in pain; he was breathing heavily, his face heavily flushed, and his eyes half lidded and slightly hazy.
Her eyes went wide with realisation, "ARE YOU—?!"
"Don't stop," he said breathlessly.
"EW!" she let go of him and jumped to her feet, "EW! EW! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"Oh come on, you're going to stop now? Geez your such tease," Robin pursed his lips annoyed, "and I was so clo—"
"SHUT UP! YOU...YOU DISGUSTING...I'M GONNA...I'M GONNA—!" she struggled to think of a threat, everything that came to mind would probably have the same result, "...I'M GONNA BE SICK!"
With that she bolted out of the room, though apparently she didn't make it far before they heard the unmistakable sound of someone throwing up outside the room.
"What's her problem?" the prince asked getting up and patting the dust off his cloak and pants. Looking up he saw the Shepherds regarding him with a mixture of shock and revulsion.
"Well, this is quite awkward; for you, that is. Personally, I was having a blast until I was RUDELY CUT OFF!" he glared at the door before continuing, "Anyway, as much fun as this is, I now need to excuse myself; got some unfinished business I need to take care off. By your leave," with a wink and a bow the prince left the room before anyone could even get a word in.
"So are you going to finish what you started or should I just—" outside his voice was cut off by the sound of Sully hurling again, "you know, for someone so crass you sure have a weak constitution. You should try experimenting more, which I would be more than happy to—."
"GET OUT!"
"As you wish," soon the sound of the prince whistling to himself got softer and softer until he was completely gone.
"What...just happened?" asked a dumbfounded Vaike.
"I refuse to even consider it, least I end up in a worse condition than our poor comrade," Maribelle squeaked, her face crimson.
"A whole campaign...we have to deal with that for a whole campaign," Cordelia muttered to herself shell shocked.
"...no you don't," Chrom got up and made his way to the door.
"Milord?"
"I'm going to put a stop to this now," Chrom growled, barging out of the room and past a still shaken Sully, "enough is enough."
Upon arriving at the prince's room, he banged the door with his fist and then waited. After a moment he heard, "It's open."
Robin was sitting down in a chair with his feet up on the table. His cloak was hung behind him and he was currently reading something, not really paying attention at his guest.
"We need to talk," the exalt said firmly.
Looking up from his book Robin's face broke into a scowl, "really? You come in now? If you had told me you were going to follow me I would have waited; you know what, it's fine. Just give me five minutes and then we can—"
"What you did out there was inexcusable," Chrom continued, "prince or not, you had no right to act the way you did with my men."
"Last time I checked I wasn't the one pummelling a defenceless man half to death."
"Don't spin this to make it Sully's fault. You've been egging her and the others ever since we boarded the ship, and you pushed her over the line knowing fully how she was going to react; also, that wasn't even punishment for you!"
"Yeah it really wasn't," Robin chuckled snapping his book shut.
Chrom gritted his teeth, "Why do you do this? Why are you like this?"
Robin shrugged, "because I can; and because I can."
"That's not a real answer."
"Actually, not only is that a "real" answer, it's the only answer I need; more importantly, it's the only one you're getting."
Chrom could feel the vein in his forehead throbbing and his jaw becoming tense, "you need to stop. Now."
Robin closed his eyes and leaned back on his chair, folding his arms behind his head, "nah."
"I'm not asking!" the exalt finally snapped, causing the prince to open one eye slightly in his direction, "you have been nothing but an unbearable arse the whole time we've known each other, and I've had it! We are at war with possible one of the biggest threats Ylisse has ever faced, and so far you've only made the situation worse. We already have Walhart to worry about, we don't need you adding fuel to the fire and antagonising us even more. More importantly, you need us! Regardless of what your ego tells you, you can't take an entire continent by yourself!"
Oh you'd be surprise, Robin turned his head slightly until he was facing Chrom, "perhaps you should be worrying less about me and more about your men. If they can't even handle some light teasing from my part, how are they supposed to cope with the pressures of war?"
"Oh stuff it! Don't try to pretend like this is some sort of "lesson" your trying to impart on my friends; anyone can tell that's just a load of bull!"
The prince chuckled, "all right fine, ya got me. I'm just being a prick."
"Do you just live to make everyone's life around you miserable?!"
"Pretty much, yeah. You could even say that's the reason I was brought into this world."
Chrom grabbed two fistful's of his hair and let out a loud scream, "GAAAAH! Why do I have to suffer through this?! I'm trying to win a blasted war, to keep my people safe, and yet all he does is make me want to slit my wrists just so I never have to deal with him again!" he yelled more to himself than to the man before him, "how am I supposed to deal with him?! Everything I can think of will only backfire in my face and make things worse! I can't threaten him! I can't punish him physically! I can't lock him up! What the hell am I suppose to do?! Ask him to please leave me alone?!"
"Okay, no problem," Robin said nonchalantly.
Chrom snapped his head forward, "what was that?"
"You don't want me to bother you anymore? Sure thing."
"...what?"
"I said I won't bother you anymore," he responded slightly annoyed.
"...what?"
The prince put his feet down and looked at him concerned, "Are you okay? Are you having a stroke? Do you want me to get a healer?"
"But...but...I...I don't...why?" Chrom managed to sputter out.
"Because you asked nicely; it's not that hard prince," Robin answered.
All of Chrom's boiling anger was extinguished instantly, replaced with confusion and a desperate attempt to understand what was happening at the moment.
"Because...I asked...nicely..."
"Well yeah. That's all you really had to do; I mean, it's not like you tried it before."
"I...I...I..." the exalt felt his eye twitching.
"Yeah no, you didn't. You've yelled at me, you've insulted me, you've begrudgingly given up on me, and you've threatened me with a sword to my neck; but you never asked nicely to stop annoying you. Really that's all you had to do from the start and you would have saved you a lot of time."
Chrom didn't say anything. Suddenly he walked towards the nearest wall and stood in front of it silently before slowly beginning to hit his forehead against it repeatedly.
"This is hell...this is actually hell..." he muttered to himself as he kept going, "I'm being punished for every bad thing I have ever done in my life; I'm probably being punished for every bad thing I've done in all my past lives."
"You know, this isn't exactly what comes to my mind when I picture you and that wall—"
"Please stop talking."
Robin closed his mouth and simply smiled.
Eventually Chrom stopped hitting his head, "I'm going to go now. I going to go to my cabin, lie down, and try really hard to supress the urge to set this entire ship on fire and then throw myself overboard."
"If you ever change your mind," Robin snapped his fingers causing a small flame to appear in his palm.
Chrom pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed deeply, "at least he's not going to bother the others anymore."
"Oh no, I still intend on annoying the hell out of those guys."
"What?! But you said—"
"I said I'd stop bothering you, because you asked me nicely. I never said anything about the others."
"You...you can't be serious."
"Hey if they want me to stop all they have to do is ask politely."
"Oh for the love of...look I already asked politely, can't you just extend it to the others?"
"I could, but I won't."
Chrom buried his face in his hand and let out a muffled scream.
"Oh put a sock in it prince," Robin scowled, "I'm not asking them to come crawling on their hands and knees here. Those people are grownups, they can fight their own battles without you; you're their commander, not their babysitter."
As much as he hated to admit it, Chrom knew that Robin had a point there. However, at the same time, he knew that the Shepherds would rather jump off a cliff before having to ask Robin nicely for anything, especially after what had happened earlier.
If I go back and tell them that they have to ask him to stop bothering them, I'll lose any respect I have amongst them. They'll think that I'm siding with him and putting his wants and needs over theirs. There has to be another way; come on Chrom, think!
Then it came to him, "I have a proposition for you."
"Already like where this is going."
"Leave my friends alone, without the need for them to ask you to stop, and you can continue treating me however you like."
The prince sat back, "I'm listening."
"You can continue to annoy me, make indecent comments, and continue to refer to me as any other way aside from my name and station; I'll even order Frederick to let it all slide and hold his tongue when you do anything disrespectful towards me."
"Oh I like the sound of that last part," Robin grinned.
"Do we have a deal then?" the exalt asked extending his hand.
Robin pondered over it for a moment, "Hmmm, it is tempting. I do love this relationship we have, and being able to keep it sounds very appealing. Not to mention the added bonus of seeing sir Fredrickson's forehead vein bulge and twitch; that just gets funnier every time."
"Better hurry before I change my mind."
"All right, fine; but, before I agree, there are a few things I would like to clear out. First of all, am I allow to interact with your men at all or am I supposed to completely cut myself off from the rest of the army?"
"If you can be civil and appropriate, you can talk with them; however, if they don't want anything to do with you, you are to respect their wishes and leave them alone."
"Fair enough. Second, I will leave your friends alone, BUT I reserve the right to...defend myself, so to speak, if they come after me first. I believe I can at least ask for that."
"...fine; but ONLY if they start it, and you better have some sort of proof to back your claims up. If it's your word against theirs, I will always side with them first."
"Can't say that I blame you. Finally, this agreement does not apply to what I do and say behind closed doors, especially my chambers or wherever my quarters are at the moment. I am entitled to my privacy after all. So, if someone from your motley crew come across my door and overhears me...talking about them, they can't do anything about it. Well, to me at least."
"If you can keep it all behind closed doors, then fine. I agree to those terms."
Robin clasped his hand with Chrom's and shook it firmly, "pleasure doing business with you."
"The feeling is no mutual."
"Well, now that that is all out of the way, why don't we celebrate this momentous occasion. I'm ready if you—"
"Goodbye Robin," the exalt let go of his hand and walked out of the room.
"Oh you're no fun!" the prince called after him.
The exalt let out a tired sigh before heading off to where the Shepherds were in order to give them the news, well, it's a something at least.
Author's note: guess who's back? It's everybody's favorite asshole and sassmaster!
Yep, we're back with another chapter of our sassmaster's escapades with the ever-suffering Shepherds. In today's chapter Sully learns a valuable lesson; pick a fight with Robin and you will always loose. ALWAYS. Though something tells me that she and some the other Shepherds might not learn that lesson quite yet. We'll just have to wait and see!
Before any of you get excited about how "quick" I upload since the last time, I would like to clarify that I actually had most of this chapter written out before I started focusing on finishing the last chapter of "To Change the Past." And while I do know what the next chapter is going to be about (oh boy is it a doozy!) I don't know when I'll start writing it. I can't even promise it will be out by the end of the year. Sorry. But I can promise this: to everyone complaining about how sassmaster Robin doesn't seem to act the way the vessel of Grima should, stick around for the next chapter. You might be surprised.
Oh, one last thing I forgot to mention in my last author's note: NEW FIRE EMBLEM GAME COMING TO THE SWITCH! WHAT WHAT!
As always, leave any comments and critiques below. See you next time!