a/n: Chapter 9. Thank you for waiting.

Chapter 9: Rock bottom

xxx Tetsuhiro xxx

Once more, the sirens of the ambulance, the paramedics' questions. Again, the façade of Tokyo University Hospital. For the second time, the coral walls, the antiseptic odour.

Tetsuhiro stepped off of the ambulance, a dazed man. The world was a dream and he a dream- walker as he entered the A&E section. Bobbed to the left the right by the chaos, just like a cork floating in seawater, Tetsuhiro settled onto the same plastic chair from a few days ago. His briefcase sat beside him, an artefact.

Dr. Yuki appeared, steps urgent, face grim. He did a double- take when he saw Tetsuhiro and realized just who his patient was. Immediately, he wrung open the curtains that obscured Souichi from view and disappeared inside the emergency room.

This time, the wait was shorter. Tetsuhiro lifted his head blearily when a pair of black- tops appeared in front of him. Dr. Yuki. The doctor settled beside him, his carefully blank expression saying everything.

Bleeding. Unstabilised embryo. No heartbeat.

No heartbeat.

Threatened abortion could show delayed symptoms, Dr. Yuki explained. The signs could be stable, the ultrasound normal. Then there would be sudden bleeding, cramps. In their case, the embryo had been threatened by physical trauma and might have not fully stabilized prior to Souichi's discharge. As such, theirs had already been a miscarriage waiting to happen. The past two days had been nothing but an illusion of wellness.

Tetsuhiro had stopped listening long ago. Nonsense, as Sempai would say. How could their little boy's heartbeat be illusory? He had heard it himself! Th-thum-th-thum-th-thum. Fast and light, it had been the sound of a strong, healthy heart. Their little boy could not be dead. Tetsuhiro staggered up, looking around for Souichi.

He's in the ward, Dr. Yuki said. Room 104.

His shadow ran ahead of him down the corridor, stretching thin and long, a grotesque, misshapen him. Tetsuhiro had to steady himself against the walls as he passed other rooms, each holding another person's nightmare. His ears could not seem to take in any sound. He could only hear the rush of his blood, a mantra of denial.

Room one- hundred- and- four loomed ahead. Tetsuhiro regarded the closed door dazedly. Why was everything repeating itself? Why did it seem like an endless loop of torture? Had they done something to anger the gods?

Two passing nurses sent him a strange look, their carts clattering softly past as they padded towards the reception. Tetsuhiro paid them no heed. With heavy arms, he trudged forward, leaned into the door handle. The door swung open silently. Tetsuhiro breathed shakily and stepped into the space that held his lover.

The person on the bed was not Tatsumi Souichi. It was not the fiery, spunky- as- hell Sempai who would glare at him feistily and demand to be let free. It was not the Sempai who had proudly declared that he could carry his own bag, thank you very much. It was not even the Sempai who had breathed fire when facing down his own professor. No, it was just a Sempai who had been dealt with the cruelest card that fate could give.

Souichi was conscious and awake, his long tresses draped softly around his shoulders. The blanket was drawn halfway up his body, a pillow propped up between his back and the headboard. He was not wearing his glasses, the eyewear currently folded neatly on the bedside table. He was glancing out of the windows, showing Tetsuhiro a profile as blank as stone, cold as ice.

Even in his distress, Tetsuhiro scented the danger. Sempai was drowning, as surely as if he had been thrown into a raging sea. If he did not do something…struggling to push off the ponderous weight of his grief, Tetsuhiro reached out for Souichi. "Sempai."

Tetsuhiro's voice rang jarringly in the still ward. Souichi must have heard but it was a few minutes before the man finally slanted his face towards Tetsuhiro. Those beautiful, stormy gray eyes had dulled, rimmed with red. When Souichi spoke, his voice was flat, a toneless landscape devoid of colour and life.

"He's gone, isn't he?"

Such a simple, easy question. Yet, Tetsuhiro felt as though somebody had wrapped a silken white cloth around his neck and pulled hard. He could not find breath to expand his lungs, let alone answer the harshest question that a parent had to face. "…Yes."

"Dr. Yuki confirmed that?"

Tetsuhiro nodded somberly. "Yes."

"There was blood, and contractions. They couldn't stop them."

"…I know. You were in so much pain, Sempai."

"I caused it, didn't I?"

Tetsuhiro jerked forward, a pantomime suddenly brought to life. "No! Sempai, it's not like that—! Dr. Yuki said—"

"I requested for an early discharge. I didn't stay in bed. I even went to the university and had a fucking fight with the professor. Woah, I'm a goddamned bastard. Look what has happened." The same emotionless tone. Every part of Souichi was preternaturally still, except for his fists. They were clenched so convulsively that his knuckles had turned bone- white.

With a violent snatch, Tetsuhiro had taken ahold of Souichi's wrist. "Sempai, Dr. Yuki said that it was an imminent miscarriage. It was not your fault! If it's anyone's, it's that darned attacker! He is the one to blame! It's not us—it's not you!"

When Souichi merely tried to shrug off his grip, twisting his arm in an unrelenting manner, his eyes terribly blank, Tetsuhiro snapped. "Stop it, Sempai! Claiming guilt would not bring him back! Nothing ever would!"

Souichi's eyes widened, a look of disbelief, of betrayal. Then his lip began to tremble. Before Tetsuhiro could retract his words and apologise, twin streaks of tears had escaped, tracking salty paths down Souichi's cheek, across his nose ridge and into his slackened mouth. His entire body slumped, as though even his skeleton had lost the will to support him.

He had uttered something irretrievable. Tetsuhiro scrambled to take his words back, his admonishment. "I'm sorry, Sempai. I'm sorry. I want to bring him back, too—he's ours…he's mine. How could I not want him back? But I can't bear to see you blame yourself. Sempai, please…" Tetsuhiro folded his broken lover into a protective embrace. Sempai felt so frail and fragile, diminished by the cancer of grief.

Cataclysmic trembles shook their bodies. Cracks ran jagged lines through them. There was not enough gold in the world to solder these fissures of hurt. On the single cot that held only two of them and not three, they faced the loss together, mourning for a life that had been needlessly stolen away.

Matsuda- san called on Saturday morning, twenty- one hours and fifty- three minutes since they understood how it felt to lose a child. Her voice was at once familiar and heartbreakingly cheerful.

"Tetsuhiro- kun? This is Matsuda- san. I called Sou- kun yesterday but he did not pick up the calls. Is everything alright?"

Tetsuhiro fumbled with his cell as he tried to balance Emi's diaper bag. He had gone home earlier to collect the necessities for a few more days of hospital stay. Emi was present as well, though she was currently with Dr. Yuki. At Matsuda- san's question, Tetsuhiro smiled bitterly. If only everything were. "Morning, Matsuda- san. Sempai, he…he is fine now. Ah, and how have you been? And Kanako- chan?"

"That's good. I'm happy to hear that! Ah, regarding the wedding, Kanako- chan and I would be coming down next Friday night to Tokyo. It must be troublesome, having us as your guests."

Matsuda- san's words were like bombs, little black atomic explosions that finally managed to pierce the bubble of fuzziness that Tetsuhiro had been existing in since the previous day. They had been planning to get married. Sempai had finally agreed to be his. This period had been supposed to be the happiest in his life.

"Tetsuhiro- kun?" Matsuda- san still sounded cheerful, though a hint of worry had begun to creep over her tone.

"Ah—no, sorry, I was momentarily distracted." Tetsuhiro undulated his tone and somehow managed to create an imitation of his chirpy side. "Please, it'd never be a bother to have you two. You're Sempai's family, which makes you important to me, as well."

"Then, I'll see you two on Friday. We'll be bringing wedding gifts!"

"A-ah, you don't have to!"

"Nonsense. As the elder, it is my duty to provide for Sou- kun. His parents would want this for him, too. Souji has already left word regarding that."

"Then…we will graciously and happily accept. Thank you, Matsuda- san."

"No need for such courtesy. We are going to be family soon, so you'll become my nephew, too. I wish for happiness for you both, and the family that you have created."

Tetsuhiro was nodding, his mouth twisted upwards in a watery smile. He rubbed the back of his palm against his eyes and answered, "Thank you. Thank you so much."

When he hung up, his heart was heavy. They had never gotten the chance to share the news of the second baby with their aunt and the rest of the family before misfortune had descended. Tetsuhiro had initially planned to break the news on their wedding day and make it a doubly joyous event. Hah.

Tetsuhiro rounded the corner and had just reached the corridor leading to Souichi's ward when his cell rang again. He hurried to the cellphone zone and answered it, feeling withered, wrung out, a dried twig. "…Morinaga speaking."

"Is this Morinaga Tetsuhiro? Good morning, I'm calling from Tiffany & Co, Ginza. Sir, this is to inform you that the rings that you ordered have arrived and are ready for collection."

All he wanted was to mourn but right now and yet the tidings of joy and auspiciousness were pouring in, all at the right time, at the wrong time. Tetsuhiro felt himself sinking into a waiting chair. "…Yes, I'll be down to collect it. Next week, yes. Thank you."

"Thank you for patronizing us. We are delighted to be a part of your joyous union!"

Tetsuhiro hung up and stared at the cell in his hand. Without warning, he threw it against the opposite wall. The sleek gadget flew up in the air, somersaulting like an expertly- swung baton before landing with a thud on the linoleum. It lay unbroken, for he had not thrown it with much strength but darn it, would it just stop? It only made the knife of grief twist ever deeper into his gut.

It was only ten minutes later that Tetsuhiro collected himself. He got to his feet and picked up his beleaguered cell. Another few steps and he had reached Souichi's ward. He pushed the door open softly and entered.

The ward was gloomy, heavy curtains keeping out the summery morning. Souichi was sitting up, a still figure that did not stir when Tetsuhiro entered, save for a slight turn of his head. It was possible that the man had stayed in the same position the entire night. The bloodshot condition of Souichi's eyes told Tetsuhiro that much.

Except for that, nothing on the outside indicated the miscarriage. They could have been at home, save for the fact that Dr. Yuki had insisted on a full set of after- tests that would last for a few days. It was clear that he was worried about them and equally obvious that now was the chance to observe the effects of miscarriage on a male body.

"Sempai, good morning."

Souichi made faint grunts of acknowledgement when Tetsuhiro sat beside him and peppered him with perfunctory questions. He also did not touch the bowl of zousui that Tetsuhiro had poured out from a thermos flask. The depth of loss was not something that Souichi could fathom and things that he could not comprehend, he faced them alone, in silence. Such was the case now, even though Tetsuhiro shared the same grief, even though he was obviously reaching out to him.

After several flailing attempts at conversation, Tetsuhiro was at his wits' end. He himself could feel the sharp edges of pain, the tsunami of emotion that pushed insistently at the peripherals of his heart. Despite that, seeing his lover blame himself so transparently for the miscarriage was even more devastating. He could not, would not lose Sempai, too.

With that conviction in mind, Tetsuhiro took a deep breath and fortified his wall of self- control. There was one last hope, one more hook that would reel Souichi back from the land of the dismal, where living beings eventually faded into nothingness and become one with the swirling sands of hopelessness. "Sempai, Emi- chan's here, too, though she's with Dr. Yuki now. He said that he would give her a routine check- up, free of charge. Isn't that great? She'll be back in just a few minutes."

As he had hoped, Souichi's ochre eyes focused and a flare of affection lit them up. He turned to look fully at Tetsuhiro and asked, "Did you bring her lunch? The pureed apples and carrots?"

"Of course. Look, they're here." Tetsuhiro pointed to the little canister beside Souichi's untouched porridge. "She seems to have grown even plumper, you know. She loves fruits! Ah—why don't you eat your lunch first, then feed Emi hers later?"

"I don't feel like eating." Souichi pressed his lips together, brows furrowing. He seemed to retreat into his shell again, the shutters coming down over his eyes.

"Eat up, or else you won't have strength to carry Emi- chan later," Tetsuhiro chided gently. He brought the bowl over, praying that his husband would take it and come back to them.

His insistence must have touched a chord, for Souichi narrowed his eyes at Tetsuhiro, a weak but definite version of his signature glare. It should not have gladdened him, but it did. He would take any sign of life, including anger.

Finally, finally, the long- haired man took the porridge, long fingers brushing against Tetsuhiro's during the exchange. He stirred the congee and observed, "It's cabbage and chicken, huh."

"Yes. I know that you like it. Want me to feed you?" Tetsuhiro teased. His heart was doing little stutters of relief. Sitting down beside the bed, he was further rewarded by Souichi's scowl and a bop on the head.

"Idiot. I'm not an invalid." Souichi finally lifted the spoon and ate a bite of the food. It was toasty warm and tasty. It was also infused fully with Tetsuhiro's affection. The porridge slid easily down his throat. Souichi ate more, more, eyes reddening as it warmed his stomach and touched his soul. "…It's delicious."

"That's good to hear…eat more, Sempai. There's plenty more where that came from," Tetsuhiro said softly. He touched Souichi lightly. If there were additional drops of saltiness that seasoned the congee, neither man commented on them.

There came a light knock on the door a few minutes later. The two men looked up as Dr. Yuki entered. Emi was cradled in his arm, wearing a pale pink linen, sleeveless dress. She saw her parents and immediately began to reach for them, her rosebud lips opening in a chuckle.

"Da—!"

"Sempai, she's asking for you!" Tetsuhiro exclaimed.

"Give her to me." Souichi immediately set down his half- eaten bowl of food and raised his hands. The posture stank a little of desperation, of beseechingness. Dr. Yuki gladly passed Emi to him and Souichi brought her close, relaxing. He kissed Emi's head, her lips. A smile finally dawned on his face, the long- awaited sun brightening the sallow landscape of his countenance. "Hello, sweetheart. Were you a good girl when Daddy was gone?"

"Daaa—!" Emi's fat arms swung around as Souichi lifted her and snuggled her tummy. She let out pealing notes of mirth as he did so, obviously pleased with the attention. Souichi then brought her down to face level again and kissed her cheek. Emi smiled, a chubby palm resting on his nose.

"Shall I open the curtains a little, Sempai?" At Souichi's distracted nod, Tetsuhiro got up and completed the deed. Warm, bright light instantly chased the shadows away, bathing the ward, and his loved ones, in gentle sunniness. Tetsuhiro joined his family and hugged them tightly, wordlessly grateful for their daughter.

Dr. Yuki stood by the end of the bed and observed the family trio unobtrusively. He had arranged his busy schedule so that he could spend more time with the male couple, not only because they were a unique case but also because they had just suffered a loss that no parent ever should.

Yuki Kenji waited until Souichi had stopped playing with Emi before speaking up. It was difficult, getting the words out, even if it was an important summary of Tatsumi- kun's condition after the miscarriage. Despite having had years to hone his bedside skill, he had discovered that there would never be any way to circumvent the cruel reality of a baby's death. "Tatsumi- kun."

"Yea." Souichi had started to feed Emi her pureed food. He did not bother to look up at the doctor. From his perspective, the hospital and its staff had already lost its usefulness and meaning. With his attention on Emi, he spooned up a mouthful of pureed carrot and urged Emi to open up.

Dr. Yuki took a deep breath and readjusted his tone. He spoke again, quieter, somehow contrite. At times like this, he lamented the limitations of medicine. "The initial tests show that there's been no ill- effects on your body. There has also been no damage done to the uterine lining or other parts of the internal reproductive system." Dr. Yuki gave only the bare skeleton of the affairs, knowing that no amount of silver linings could compensate. The blanched countenances of his patients had told him as much. "…And lastly, please let me express my condolences for the baby."

Several beats of silence. Souichi's hand jolted and some carrot paste fell on his hospital gown. Tetsuhiro stoically wiped it away with a napkin. The parents continued to feed Emi, the little girl's smacking of lips the only sound of life in the room.

"Excuse me." A nurse had entered, bringing in a tray of needles and vials. She passed the instruments to Dr. Yuki, whose discomfit and quiet despair had her raising her eyebrows.

"Tatsumi- san, Morinaga- san, we'll have to take some blood samples for the duration of your stay. This is standard procedure and is another layer of assurance that there are no after- effects."

Grunts of acquiescence. Tetsuhiro carried Emi as the nurse, using a fine needle, extracted Souichi's blood. He watched the deep- red liquid drip into the vials and turned away. It reminded him too much of the stains that he had seen yesterday.

"Thank you, gentlemen. Have a good rest. I'll be back in the afternoon and evening." Dr. Yuki exited the ward with the nurse. He sighed deeply, as wretched as a doctor could feel when his patient dies on his watch. Souichi's and Tetsuhiro's reactions had been expected and worthy of sympathy but it did not make the situation any less painful, or real. He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly and took out his cell. In such times, the only pillar he could lean on was his wife.

"Dr. Yuki, I have yesterday's blood test results for Tatsumi Souichi. Do you wish to look at them?" The nurse who had been in the ward with him piped up and jarred the young doctor from his gloomy thoughts. She held out a brown folder expectantly.

"Thank you. I'll take a look at it in my office."

"Sure! I'll bring the new samples to the lab, then." The nurse bowed. "Doctor, do take care. It's not their, or your fault." So saying, she went on to do her work, heels clicking against the linoleum.

Yuki Kenji slid his cell back into his pocket, took a heartening breath. That a nurse should comfort him meant that his bedside manner had been non- existent earlier. Determined not to slip again, he opened the folder and began to read. His sharp eyes scanned the lines detailing the results, noting normal levels for all the indicators. Everything seemed regular, except for the pregnancy hormone levels.

The human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone that is produced during pregnancy. It is produced by cells that form the placenta and nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and attached to the uterine wall. In a non- pregnant individual, the levels are usually less than 5 mIU/ml, whereas a pregnant individual would show varying levels of the hCG hormone from as low as 18 mIU/ml to as high as 288000 mIU/ml.

300 mIU/ml. The quantitative amount of hCG in Souichi's case file was surprisingly high, given the fact that he had miscarried yesterday. Dr. Yuki pursed his lips. The ultrasound yesterday had not detected any heartbeat, faint or otherwise. Tatsumi- san had also bled excessively and suffered from actual contractions. The hCG levels, though high, could be due to the fact that the body had not adjusted to the new state of non- pregnancy at the time of blood sampling. Besides, hCG levels were notoriously known to be misleading and were not a stable indicator for pregnancies as the numbers fluctuated too much between individuals.

Still, to be sure, he would monitor the hCG levels for Tatsumi- san for the next few days. Male pregnancy was still a complete mystery. It would not be surprising if the usual standards did not apply.

Deep night. Saturday had given way to Sunday under the watchful eyes of lady moon. She cast her cold, milky light into the ward. Her rays were fluid, a melted version of herself spilling on the bed. A figure sat upright, his long tresses as luminescent as the stars that accompanied her.

Tetsuhiro opened his eyes, his head resting against a small pillow that he had propped against the two- seater couch in the ward. The room was completely silent. It was not a sound that had awoken him. Rather, it was an itch in his heart, a painful instinct that had him turning towards the man still as stone on the bed.

There were no tears on Souichi's cheeks when Tetsuhiro glided to him. There was just the moon's kiss. His hands when Tetsuhiro picked them up were as colourless as the night sun, equally cold. Quietly, he sat with Souichi until it was dawn.

There were dried tear tracks now; Souichi's eyes were closed in exhaustion. His body had not recovered from the ordeal. Tetsuhiro eased him downwards, cupped his head gently as it touched the cool pillow. His thumb he used to wipe the crusted sorrow, his lips he used to kiss a prayer on the forehead.

From the little cot in the corner, untouched by the moonlight, Emi stirred. Tesuhiro walked to her, saw her chubby little face lit up by a beatific smile. She waved her arms at him, ordering a hug. He gave it to her gladly, soaking in her warmth that was pure and untainted by the heartless cold light.

To be continued.