The Adventures of Fred Smith / Meet the Smiths

Long before he opened his eyes, Fred knew he wasn't where he had gone to bed. This was a skill developed over a lifetime of being rendered unconscious in one place, only to wake up somewhere completely different. Usually, this was a convenient sick bay bed. But this was no sick bay. It felt like no sick bay he had ever been in anyway. Besides, last night was the first time in over a week that Fred had not slept on a bio-bed, but his very own bed.

The smell of foam rubber filled Fred's nostrils, filling him with dread. His worst fears were confirmed, however, when he opened his eyes. Every hard surface and every sharp corner was heavily padded. Every trip hazard removed and every sharp object removed. In short, a loose representation of his childhood bedroom.

Fred sat up. "Mother! Father! I know it's you, come on out."

Two figures came from the other side of a force field. The first was Brigadier Admiral Smith. Brigadier Admiral was not his rank, but his name. Apparently Grandpa Smith had high expectations for his youngest son. In Starfleet, Dad had never made it past engineers assistant, which was better than his older brother, Dirty Bum Smith, and his little sister,Pizza Face Smith.

Fred's mother dutifully followed her husband through the field. Her birth name was Jane Doe. But this caused her many problems in life. When she was old enough, she decided to change it to Grazelda Jankowzkawitzki, because she liked how it rolled off the tongue. Fred's Mom changed her name several more times to such things as Fuzzy Bunny, Ice Cream Sundae with Chocolate Sprinkles and a Cherry, and #. She was going by the name ThePerson Formerly Known as #, when she met the man who would become Fred's Dad. She changed her name after they married to Brigadier Admiral Smith, thereby giving new meaning to the concept of taking her husband's name. Later she changed it to Fuzzy Bunny Slippers, which it remains to this day.

"Hello, dearie!" Fred's mom said in a sugary sweet voice. A voice sweet enough to give anyone a sugar headache.

"Pip pip, my boy!" Dad chimed in, trying to sound the part his name might suggest.

"Mom...Dad." Fred said, touching his fingers to the forcefield that was separating them. ZAP! Fred stuck his finger in his mouth. "What is going on here?" His speech was garbled. After all, his finger was in his mouth.

"Hear! Hear!" Dad said, "We've liberated you, see! Starfleet is a dangerous place for one such as yourself."

"You can't just kidnap a Starfleet officer like this, there will be consequences." Fred demanded.

"Nonsense." Dad demanded back. "Your mother has taken care of everything."

"Yes, dear. I left a note." Mom said sweetly.

Fred was confused. "A note?"

"I left a note excusing you from Starfleet." Mom explained.

Fred was dumbfounded. "My Mommy... wrote me a note... excusing me from Starfleet." He said as if he were explaining it to himself. "I should have seen that coming."

"Now look here, my young man," There went Dad again, always to the point. "it's almost time for supper. Do hope you'll put on your safe suit and join us."

Fred cringed. The thought of the 'safety suit' filled Fred's mind with the worst memories of his childhood. It had been designed specifically to keep Fred from hurting himself in any way, shape or form. Unfortunately, it weighed upwards of 200 lbs. He hadn't been forced to wear it as much after it fell out of the closet once and nearly crushed him when he was 12.

In the closet, he gazed upon the offending garment. Man, that thing is an ugly monstrosity. Fred thought to himself. Suddenly, a harsh realization flashed through his mind. "This thing is way too small for me!"

"I'm sorry Dear," Mom frowned, "we just didn't have time to replicate you a bigger one."

"Give it the old University try for Mum andPop, why don't you?" Dad said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "That's the spirit." The two started through the door. "Supper's promptly at 6, and if you're late, there will be no cherries in a cloud for you."

Not having anything else to do, and being hungry despite there being cherries in a cloud on the menu, Fred began to struggle his way into the safety suit. As he wrestled the shirt over his head, he couldn't help but to sing the song his Mom sang every time she helped him into the suit as a boy. "S-s-s-s, A-a-a-a, F-f-f-f, E-e-e-e, T-t-t-t, Y-y-y-y. Safety! Suit!" Fred began to dance. "Boop boop BOOP BOOP ! boop boop ee doopy doop. Boop boop BOOP BOOP! Boop boop ee doo."

By the time he was done with his little song and dance, Fred found he nearly had the suit on. Yes, the pants now only went down to his knees, and the shirt left his forearms and midriff exposed, but it was on. All that was left was to don the helmet, which was 2/3rds of the suits weight and undoubtedly too small.

Fred paused to admire the childish pinups on the wall. The twin Caitian sisters, the Kolson twins, shame what happened to them. AndPurrdona, the biggest Caitian pop star ever.

Maybe it was his imagination, or maybe it was the lack of oxygen from wearing a shirt so small he could barely breathe... but the image in the poster began to dance to her #1 hit, Like aPersian. The sight startled Fred, causing him to drop his helmet on his foot. Fred hopped around the room, holding the injured appendage with both hands, managing to stay upright for a suprisingly long time. Fred finally lost his balance.

It's a funny thing, physics. You can change one small thing on any given equation, and drastically change its outcome. This situation was no different. You see, the rubber-like safety suit was designed specifically to cushion a pre-teen Fred against anything. The thing is, Fred is no longer a pre-teen, and definatly weighed more. Much more. The unfortunate conclusion of this new variable was that the safety suit had more bounce. Actually, to say it had more bounce is an understatement. The effect could be more accurately compared to one of those rubber superballs that you get in the coin operated machines at the store, being shot into a room from a shotgun.

The bounce was further amplified by the fact that every surface in the room was covered in the same material that the suit was made out of, with the exception of one. Fred's head collided with the rigid helmet of the safety suit, which was designed to keep Fred from doing such things as poking his eye out, swallowing something he shouldn't, and sticking something in his ear which would inevitably take root. Fred never saw the use of the helmet. He had never even come close to putting out an eye.

Fred was happy to see the impending collision and the inevitable unconsciousness to come. All the padding in the room had enabled him to remain conscious far longer than he would have been able in most situations like this. It was a bit un-nerving.

The next morning, Fred began to regain consciousness in his room, which doubles as a fully-functioning medical bay. Mom's voice penetrated the darkness. "Oh, you're awake dearie!"

Fred opened his eyes. "So, it wasn't a nightmare."

"Don't be silly, sweetie. Of course it wasn't a nightmare." Mom said. "How's my sweet boy?" She pinched Fred's cheek.

"I'll be fine, Mom." Fred said, sitting up more to stop the cheek pinching than anything. It didn't work. She pinched his cheek again.

"I've got good news and bad news for you sweetheart. Which one do you want first?" Mom said tapping her chin.

Dad walked in just then. "I say." He cleared his throat, grumbling incoherently. "Save the good news for last. End it on a good note and all that." He did some more incoherent grumbling.

"Very well then Darling." Mom went on. "The bad news is, theres no more cherries in a cloud. I'm sorry, I tried to save you some, but you know how your Father is. He starts in and can't stop until its all gone."

Fred did know how he was. Once, Dad accidentally got locked in a cargo bay full of huge vats of the stuff overnight. Let's just say that theres not always room for cherries in a cloud. He had eaten so much that he literally exploded. He was in sick bay a whole month getting put back together. This explained a lot about Dad.

"I would have thought that was the good news." Fred said, snickering to himself.

"Don't be silly, dearie." Mom pinched his cheek again.

Dad took Fred's quip a bit more seriously. "I say." Grumble, grumble, grumble. "You'll speak to your mother with respect or I'll..." Grumble, grumble. "Wash your mouth out with soap."

Fred chose to ignore that, going on. "So, what's your other news?"

"Well sweetie," Mom stood up proud, "we've arrived at the family reunion!"

To be continued in:
Smith Family Reunion.