Elleth of Light

Chapter Ten

Merenwen's POV

I would rather face the demon-eyed wargs attacking me every moment of our journey to Helm's Deep than watching Elessar's doubtful gaze upon me. How dare he continue to bring up Haldir to me; I had moved on as best as I possibly could and I was carrying on with this journey with as much composure and strength as I could conjure. I was furious that he would continue to scold me in such a way.

I scanned the still chaotic land around me in search of my horse but instead I found Legolas approaching me, leading his horse to a halt.

"Gandalf is leading the men and women of Rohan to Helm's Deep alongside Theoden and has requested we stay behind to ensure no other creatures find their way upon our trail." Legolas spoke. I narrowed my eyes, hearing the word "we" meant Legolas, Gimli, Elessar and myself no less. Great, I suppose the wizard was hoping to mediate our conflicts in our slowed pace I would imagine. I released a sigh before allowing myself to ease to the ground before I sprawled my limbs in the golden spears of grass and allowing my eyes to trail the outlines of clouds moving above. I just needed a moment, a still moment to allow my thoughts and concerns to flee from me.

"What…are you doing?" The prince asked, I could picture his confusion upon his face without even looking at him.

"I am staying behind in this very moment for the time being thank you very much." I sighed.

"You are aware that the wargs could still return at any moment?"

"Legolas have you ever just stopped and relaxed? I am not so far removed from our kind to forget that we are vigilant every moment of every day. Our heightened senses give us little opportunity to enjoy a moment of rest but it is possible to do so. To simply stop, shut everything and everyone out and simply…breathe." I propped myself upon my elbows and looked at the set of blue eyes upon me.

There was a moment, right then as the wind swept gently between us that I noticed something. He was looking at me in a way I had not yet noticed in the prince. It was a look of…pain. It looked as if it pained him to gaze upon me.

"Are you alright?" I finally asked him. He looked away briefly before releasing a sigh.

"Not in the slightest. But don't burden your mind with me." What sort of answer was that? What was troubling him? I wouldn't doubt if Elessar had found the need to scold him for something as well. I prefer the Elessar at the Prancing Pony speaking of love and fine taste in strong brews, not this overbearing man clinging to perfection in each of the members of the fellowship. Perfection was not within my capabilities and he knew this.

"Can I speak to you…alone?" I heard Elessar inquire as he stepped into my sight. Legolas gently nodded and stepped away leaving us alone.

"Ready for round two Elessar? I must warn you, I don't know if I can refrain from retaliation in a physical manner this time." I growled. The Ranger laughed before taking his place next to me on a bed of grass.

"I did not come to argue; I simply came to speak to you. I fear you have misunderstood my intent and I have not made it possible for you to do otherwise. It's hard for me Merenwen; it's hard to be in this position. I am your friend but I am also the one trying to ensure this quest does not claim any more lives unnecessarily." He spoke while glancing at his nervous hands.

I sat up to fully face the ranger before finding the courage to allow my own honesty to escape my lips.

"Elessar, I understand your role has changed since we traveled together in past. You have a purpose which drives you, we all do. But I feel as if you view my personal matters as a weakness, a shortcoming of sorts and it's hard to defend myself against you when your mindset is set against me."

"Merenwen, it's not that I find you weak and my mindset is never against you the only thing that has been hard for me to articulate to you without my emotions getting involved is this: your situation affects more than just you and Haldir. Others are now involved and I simply want you to make a decision and accept it completely. You had told me you were moving on from Haldir and yet you fell apart the moment you saw him." Elessar was watching me closely, waiting for my response intently. Who else was my situation affecting?

"I don't feel overreacting is the best way to approach this situation Elessar." I snapped.

"I am not overreacting you are simply blind to the entire situation at hand my friend. But that is not my place to speak about. I simply worry…you forget how each of us is worried about your fate; if anything you can do can prevent you from such an end I would figure you would take it completely."

"You think I don't know my love for Haldir is tied to what I saw in Galadriel's mirror? You are not the only one who has tried to remind me of such; I am so close to finally freeing my heart from him but I don't need you or anyone reminding me or bringing it up at any given moment. Leave me be Elessar…let me do this my way. I appreciate your concern but I did not ask for it. I want this to be the final discussion we have on the matter; I want my friend back, that's all I need." I said. I think my words finally sunk into him, he placed a hand upon my back and pulled me into an embrace. The smell of worn leather reached my senses as I allowed my head to rest upon him.

"Seeing him…so far from home and standing before me felt as if a dagger pierced my heart and was ripped out without care. I know that such a feeling is not a love meant to endure but Elessar…if I am to die along this journey; I just wanted to matter to someone. To be missed and to remain in the heart of another long after I am gone. Is that so wrong?" I breathed, fighting back tears. I was selfish in my thinking I'm sure, but I could not help but admit to the man holding me. For once the ranger had no words to speak; we remained there in the company of one another allowing silence to overtake us.

The night was quiet and we had settled back into the rhythm of a ride towards the stone fortress nearing our path. The stars had unveiled overhead and the chill of the air had settled in.

I took slight pleasure in having the warmth of Legolas against my features as he steered our horse. It pained me that the last expression upon his face when he looked upon me was that of pain. I did not know what was weighing so heavily upon his mind but it was clear that I was the only one who had been talking so much of myself and my own problems without bothering to be there for my companion. He supported me and I had done little to do the same.

The thought sickened me; I hated how selfish I had thus far been upon this journey. The more I thought of the elf I was resting my head upon and his silent suffering the more I felt a knot swell within me. I traced my fingertip along the intricate design of his tunic. He had so kindly given me his cloak to keep warm.

"I'm here for you Legolas, I hope you know that." I whispered, partly hoping I spoke too softly for him to hear but those ears heard all.

"Thank you for your words." He replied.

"There not just words…I…don't like seeing you hurting but I can tell that you are. Whatever it is, whatever is on your mind…you can tell me." Suddenly the horse came to a sudden stop. The others were ahead of us by such distance they did not notice our movement. I quickly straightened up my body as the elf quickly dismounted. His feet gently resting upon the ground; before I could speak I was quickly eased off of the horse and placed upon my feet as well.

"What are you-" I felt his cloak slide from my shoulders and resting behind my heels before I felt his hands upon either of my shoulders.

"Legolas?" His eyes were glistening, reflecting the stars in such a way I felt mesmerized.

I did not know how it happened, time began to blur from the action but I quickly felt his soft lips pressing upon my own. The sudden action caused me to waver but he quickly steadied my body as I felt my cheeks flushing. I stood in shock but I could not find it within me to pull away. His touch…the warmth of his breath softly falling upon my features was intoxicating. My heart began to race to such great speed I felt dizzy.

I felt my eyes flutter to a close as I began kissing him in return. I don't know what possessed him to do such a thing, nor did I know what possessed me to return the action but I felt my body giving into the thoughts of desire for such closeness to continue. I was enjoying this kiss…I was entertaining the idea of Legolas. A thought that I feared was not possible but it was not clear if it was true. My hand lifted towards his cheek and he quickly pressed his features into my touch as our kiss deepened before he abruptly pulled away placing his hand upon his lips.

My lips were throbbing while my body was already missing his touch. What had just happened? I waited for the elf to speak, what could he say, I was at a loss for what to even think at the moment.

"I-" he stammered, something I had never heard come from the eloquent elf.

"I thought you should know." He finally said.

"Know…what? That you wanted…to kiss me?" My thoughts were racing as I watched Legolas shake his head before rubbing his forehead before approaching me once again. I felt myself tensing up from the movement but he stopped a few inches before me and spoke once again.

"I know this isn't the time nor the place…I know you care for another and I know I have no chance in this world to have your love but I wanted you to know that I…love you. I did not plan this nor did I accept my feelings so lightly. It kills me to know you love another but it kills me even more to keep my feelings from you any longer."

I fell back slightly into the support of the horse as my mouth opened slightly. How long has he felt this way? How did this happen and how did I not see it?

"I don't know what to say…" I blurted out.

"I know." Legolas quickly replied.

"Forgive me for my actions…that was quite disrespectful to…kiss you without your permission." I don't even think I could imagine what I would have said had he asked for permission.

What did I feel? Was my desire to feel his warmth against me once again because I cared for him was it simply the fact I was confused? I felt as if I had betrayed Haldir in a way but part of me wondered if it was alright to do so. I placed my fingertips upon my lips, still tingling from his kiss and the first thought that entered my mind was exactly what I spoke aloud.

"There is a reason I did not object to that. Though I do not know what reason it is."