Chapter Ten: Foes, Doubt, Envy, Hope

"Inventory:"

"Four be the things I am wiser to know:

Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:

Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:

Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye."

― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

Okay, so I just realized I have never text a boy before. You know, I was in a psyche hospital for two years and before that, it was only volleyball. So in reality I have no fucking idea what this meant. But now I'm stuck with it. And Aone expects a text today and I am just stressing out.

"Hinata your hands," I yell from across the gym as I watch the ginger running with his hands together. It's a bad habit and I have yet to break it.

"Katrina," someone calls from the doorway and I shift my glance from the boys. It's Takeda-sensei and he looks out of breath. What really surprised me was that he called me by my first name. He must be running on autopilot. Walking over to the small teacher, he hands me a paper.

"Someone is here to see you. They told me to give you this," he says and I take the paper from him. It's folded halfway but when I open it up, it has a single word in German: sin. My body freezes with realization of who it is. I crumple the paper in my hand and then consider not going to meet them. My teacher watches me as he catches his breath and I give him forced smile.

"Is this all?" I ask the teacher and he surprisingly shakes his head.

"I scheduled a practice match for the final day of the training camp week. We'll be taking the trip soon," he informs me as I give a single nod.

"I'll ask for details when I come back. You stay here and I'll get rid of our visitor," I reply darkly, stepping out of the gym.

Walking swiftly, I'm only glad that I'm still in my uniform and not my practice clothes. Then they'll know for sure that I can play. I take my tie off and wrap it around my braid, unbuttoning my shirt slightly in case I need the freedom to move. The man has always been a loose canon.

Going through the halls of the school, I try to swallow the burning hot rage in my throat. Erwin did sell where I was to someone. And it was probably the worst someone that I wanted to deal with right now. Looking at the front of the school from the entrance, I could see him.

The German man was still skinny and he was still tall. His hair was still a blonde buzzcut and his eyes were still blue. He wore a navy suit and when he turned to me, I could find some things had changed. He had acquired a piercing in his eyebrow, the silver hoop only accentuating his light eyebrows. He also looked older, but considering we were only ten years apart, he still was relatively young.

"What do you want Gil?" I hiss in German. The few Japanese students ran off with the harsh language and we were left alone in the sunset.

"Oh you're just as much as a sourpuss as I remember. Did I interrupt your practice?" he asks in a teasing tone and comes to me. He stands and looks down at me from his six foot status while I merely curl my lip back in a sneer.

"Erwin tell you where I was?" I hiss bringing my braid forward to keep my hands from strangling his neck.

"You really do hate me don't you?" the man asks as his face turns into a surprised grin.

"I don't know, let me think about it," I put my hand to my chin and then snarl. "Of course I do. You abused me for an entire season."

"Oh but Katrina, you weren't even good in Switzerland; I was merely trying to help you. I still can't understand what went wrong with you," my old coach remarks.

His eyes give away his malicious nature and I clutch my hair harder. This is the man that coached me in Switzerland. The one that I received many a blow from. The one who laughed at me when the girls said the cruelest of things to me. He is a mean man who, if you don't give him what he wants, he'll make your life a living hell. Let's just say I didn't give him the best libero in the country.

"What the fuck are you here for?" I grit out and the man looks at me with wide eyes.

"You got more spunk than I remember. There was a time you wouldn't even look me in the eye," he comments and I release my braid, making fists at my sides.

"I'm not afraid of you anymore. Now what do you want? I'm busy unlike you unemployed asshole," I jab and I can see the man's eyes narrow.

"I'm putting together a team to take to nationals," he starts and I feel my eyes widen. Before he can go on, I belt out in voracious laughter.

"And you want me?" I giggle and when the man only frowns at me, I start the roaring laughter again.

"I know you haven't left the sport completely. Erwin said you needed information, so you're competing again," he reasons and I wipe the tears that have come from my eyes.

"I refuse. You have the audacity to come here after all the shit you put me through and win me over. You're crazy!" I yell at him and the man smirks.

"Well I would say the crazy one is you," he says calmly and I suddenly have a fist swinging around into his stomach.

My right hand hits him hard, and my knuckle aches. The impact sends him curled over and he struggles as he loses air. I have half the mind to hit him a second time but just move my hand up into his hair. Grabbing some strands I roughly pull and turn his ear to my mouth. I turn his head in an unpleasant angle and drag some strands from their roots.

"You're damn right I'm crazy. Now get the fuck out of here before I call the cops," I whisper gently, my voice scarily calm. I throw his head back and turn around swiftly.

As I walk away I can hear the man cough and then get up. What I don't expect is for him to be dirty and come at me from behind. That's precisely what he does as he grabs my long hair and pulls me back. My neck aches with the yank and I nearly fall. Turning around, I try to hit him but the man merely grabs my arm and turns it around on me. He pulls my arm uncomfortably around me and I squirm in his grasp.

"You will join my team. They fired me because of you! You owe me that much!" He screams.

My breath hitches and his free hand comes forward and wraps around my neck. His breathing is on my neck and I shiver with him being this close. The hand curls around my throat and my breathing ceases. I start to squirm harder and try to throw myself from his hold but it doesn't work. He pushes harder and I know I'll have bruises with the pressure of his fingers. The man keeps a firm grasp on my neck and I find a way out. I bite down on his other arm that has come around and he drops me unceremoniously.

"Get away from me!" I yell as I scramble away from him. The man is in rage and I watch as his blue eyes bulge in anger.

"You crazy freak," he hisses as I get up and comes at me again. I ready a fist but it isn't needed.

A boy stands next to us and has a good fifteen pounds on Gilbert. His brown hair is in a bun and he hasn't shaved in a little bit, but he wears the school uniform. Gilbert straightens and I take a step towards him. The blonde man glares but then looks at the large boy who stands next to us, knowing he will stop him from going at me.

"Get out of here and if I see you again, I will have the cops arrest you. I will never join you, so leave me alone," I hiss and the stranger stiffens with my venomous tone.

"That's what you think Katrina," Gilbert coos and I step forward to punch him again.

The stranger grabs my arm gently, not wanting the fighting to continue. His blank face looks at me but his eyes scream scared. I want to fight Gilbert but if I do, I risk getting even more injured. If we call the cops now, Doctor Suoh will have me back at the clinic in no time. I can't risk my freedom. I can't back now.

I don't even care that I'm hurt anymore, I just want to maintain my freedom. Gilbert is causing all this shit and he has to go. Looking at him I snarl and Gilbert takes one last glance at me before he leaves. Waiting until he is out of sight, I feel my neck. It feels like it will have a very dark bruise. I don't know how I'm going to be like this in front the boys.

"Are you okay?" the stranger asks at my side. Looking at him I can see him freaking out mentally. For such a scary looking guy, he's kinda a wuss. But he did save me so he can't be all that much of a coward.

"I'll be fine. Are you okay?" I ask soothingly as the boy hyperventilates. He shakes his head and I take a deep breath as I grab his arm to drag him inside. The gargantuan allows me to pull him into the school and into an empty hallway. "Take deep breaths. It's okay."

"That guy he was, he was strangling you," he blanches as he shakes slightly. I pull his arm and get him to sit on the floor.

"Yah," I murmur and then sit next to the boy. "But he's gone and we're okay. You just have to take deep breaths."

Positioning the boy that he has his large legs up and his knees in his chin, I rub his back. My situation caused a panic attack to come up in him. Then again it looked really bad so I don't blame him. Though, I'm surprisingly calm, and only my neck hurts. After a couple of minutes he finally regains a normal breathing pattern. I continue to rub his back in a circular motion.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks as he comes up. His eyes are kind and even though he looks like he could beat up a person, I can tell he has a glass heart. I nod and the boy continues. "Does that happen a lot?"

"That isn't the first time he's pulled something like that but it's the last. I admit that he has right to be angry but he can't do that to me anymore. I'm not scared of him like I used to be," I murmur as I take my hand away from him.

Folding my hands on lap, I stare at the ceiling, wondering if I should be more scared. Gilbert was always physical but he has never been that bad before. And why does he want me back, he should know my skill has left me for the most part and that I can't play. I should be more scared. I should be the one with the panic attack but I just keep thinking that he is a nuisance more than a risk to my health.

"He shouldn't do that to you at all," the boy whispers and I think he doesn't even know he said it. "Who was he? Will he come back?"

"He was my old coach. He wants me back, even though I don't play anymore," I confess and bring my legs into me for comfort. "I told him I would call the cops but I don't know if he'll stay away. I'll have to be ready."

"And he hurt you when he was your coach?" the boy asks shakily and I nod.

"Yah, I, I wasn't the player I should have been and it pissed him off. I left him and then they fired him because of me. But I wasn't the player I should have been," I muse as I turn to glance at the boy. He looks at me nervously and I know he feels sorry for me.

"Yah but that isn't a reason to hurt you," he argues softly, voice contrasting with his physique. I nod and examine him, feeling like I should know him.

"I know but have you ever felt like you were such a disappointment that you deserved to be hurt a little?"

The boy looks at me and then bites his lip lightly. He turns away and I continue to watch him with a sad smile. I know that Gilbert has no right to touch me and hurt me like he did but that doesn't meant that I don't feel like a disappointment. I was going to be his star player but I turned insane. The way I see it, he had a right to be angry and I should pay for falling short. It was the guilt of not being me for my team, for my coach, for my school.

"I feel like I let down my own team. They think that I'm an ace but I can't do what they need me to. They counted on me and I failed them," he says sadly and I turn away. We sit in silence for five minutes before I speak again.

"But do they see that you failed them?" I ask in curiosity. The boy shakes his head and I chuckle slightly. The boy turns to me and I smile widely at him. "Then you didn't fail them. They still need you. If they acknowledge that you can still help them than its you that is holding yourself back."

"But we lost and it was my job to make sure we won. I failed the team," he murmurs softly. I give him a lopsided smile.

"You can't be that selfish to think you are the only person who has the responsibility of winning. You're a team and you guys just weren't ready," I tell him happily. He still has a chance to redeem himself.

"Than how are you a disappointment and I'm not?" He asks slightly peeved with my tone. The smile falls off my face and I turn away. The trees sway through the window and I wish that I wouldn't have ever heard the voices.

"Because my team said I was. We all knew it," I reply, my voice cracking. The boy stiffens next to me but I put on a happy smile to mask my emotions. "But you, you still have a chance. And by the way it sounds, your team still needs you. You will let them down if you don't even try. You still have a chance."

I get up quickly, checking my hair. My braid is messed up and I take it out of the elastic. My tie has been lost in the fight with Gilbert and I put my hair into a high ponytail for now. The boy is staring at my neck and I could only suppose it was because bruises were starting to form. Distracting him, I lean my hand out to him. He stares at it and when he turns to me, I give him my signature smile. His anxiety goes away for the most part and he takes my hand.

"We need to tell a teacher to not let him on campus again," the boy says in a voice that says he's not kidding. I nod once and we make our way through the halls. When I don't take the turn to the office he grabs my arm. "We have to tell someone."

"I know that's what we're doing. I'm just going to tell Takeda-sensei, he saw the man," I tell the large boy. He nods once and I lead the way to the gym. The boy freezes as he stand across from the gym and I look up at him. His face is scared and it just hit me that he's the ace we're waiting for. "You don't have to come."

"No, I should," he says quietly and I smile reassuringly as he glances at me.

I walk the way to the gym and find the boys doing serving practice. The boy—Asahi if I remember correctly—follows behind me but stands in the door. Takeda sees me and at my disheveled appearance his eyes turn wide. He runs to my side and Kiyoko follows after the man, her dark eyes scared. I must look really bad. I attempt to hide the bruising and pull my collar high.

"Hitz-chan, what happened to you?" Takeda asks, voice raising in hysteria. I put my hand on his shoulder as his glasses fog with tears.

"I'm fine. From now on, don't let that man on school grounds," I tell him and he wipes his eyes. Kiyoko gives me her track jacket with a higher neck to mask the bruises, leaving her with only a black shirt. I take it gratefully as she goes to her bag. I try to put it on before anyone else sees the bruises but I'm too late.

"That man attacked her," my companion says and I can hear the boys run to us.

They seem excited to see their ace but when they get to me, they turn scared. Tanaka and Nishinoya are looking at my neck in anger and Tsukki and Kageyama have deadly expressions on their faces. Hinata is the one who comes and pulls down my collar to reveal the worst of the bruising. I slap his hand away and look down ashamed I'm so easily broken. I scare them too easy.

"Who did this to you?" Nishinoya roars and goes to step out of the gym to find the culprit. I block his path and the boy shakes his head.

"Tell us Katrina! They can't do this to you," Tanaka starts and I glare at both boys.

"He's gone already. And it won't happen again, I promise," I tell them and see the captain and vice captain the most worried. They think I'm crazy for protecting Gil but I can't have my boys go up against him. They'll only get hurt. Gilbert would kill them or injury them to the point they can't play. He won't play fair.

"Katrina, tell us," Tsukki mutters darkly and I can see the beanstalk enraged. I shake my head.

"I am not going to allow you to get hurt. He will not touch you guys! I will not see you guys hurt," I yell in anger, scaring the boys. I glare harshly, putting a stop to their nonsense. "Takeda-sensei will go through the proper channels to get rid of him but I don't want you guys to get involved."

"But Katrina," Ennoshita starts, the dark haired boy worried and staring at my neck.

"No buts, I don't want to talk about it anymore. The only way he will ever get to you boys will be over my dead body. Do you hear me? Now go continue your serves. We have the training week coming up and you guys aren't anywhere near where I want you to be," I say strongly, putting the jacket on and zipping it up to my neck.

The boys look at me surprised that I'm protecting them but they also look worried that someone could hurt me so easily. Slowly, they move to the court, looking back to me and Asahi. I'm going to need to reassure them after. God this is such a mess. I rub my temples and then look at my teacher who is confused.

"You need to tell me who that man is," he says calmly and I nod once. Kiyoko comes back with gauze and some salve to make the bruising go down.

"His name is Gilbert Messer. He used to be my coach, and he came to recruit me. I refused and he lost it," I tell the teacher. The man nods and then sets off on his path to call the police. I look at Kiyoko and I tilt my head to my bag. She understands and takes the medical supplies so I could talk to the ace.

"Who are you to the team?" He asks slowly, realizing I ordered the team around. I look up at him and smile softly.

"I'm their coach," I reply and his brown eyes widen. "And you're our ace, that is if you chose to be."

"Well, I," he stammers and I smile reassuringly at him.

"If you're not ready, that's fine. Just know that they do need you," I tell him and he just gulps loudly. He nods in understanding and then goes to leave. I grab his arm as he is in the doorway. "Thanks for saving me. I owe you one."

"It's okay."

The boy escapes after that and I sigh. Why does my life have to be so crazy? Isn't it enough that I'm crazy? But no, abusive coaches and worried players and other things are always here. Looking at Kiyoko, I can tell she's growing impatient with me. I walk over to her and she motions for me to sit. I sit and she jons me on the wooden floor.

"Take off the jacket," she commands quietly and I do as she says.

I reach into my bag and grab my paper tape. My phone stares back at me as a reminder that I have to text Aone. Looking at the digital time, I know he must be done with practice. He also should have gotten his finger checked out yesterday. Kiyoko opens my shirt and then opens the mint smelling salve. Maybe she knows how to text a boy, my voice comments, voicing itself for the first time today.

"Kiyoko?" I whisper. The pretty girl looks at me and then nods softly. "Has a boy ever given you their number?"

The girl blushes a bright color and I wait patiently for her to deflate. The girl slaps the salve on my neck harder than necessary and I let out a small gasp of pain. She looks at me apologetically as her face returns to a slight pink color. Her hand slowly goes back to my neck and she massages the black and blue skin.

"Possibly," she murmurs and then looks at me curiously. "Why are you asking?"

It's my turn to blush a bright red. She continues to look at me as she massages my skin. The numbness from the salve starts and I am glad that the girl has as many medical supplies as me. I look at the phone in my hand and open up the address book. Aone's name stares back to me in pixelated happiness.

"Because, um, there's this boy and he, well, we ride the train together," I start and Kiyoko listens carefully. When I stop, she looks at me, her eyes shining with excitement. "And he, well, I told him, since his finger was injured, that I was worried about him. Then he gave me his number."

"And now you want to text him?" comes her soft question, though at end, it sounded excited.

"I asked if I could and he said yes," I tell her quickly, blushing when I remember Aone nodding his head with eagerness. "So I'm supposed to text him today but I don't know why he gave me his number and now I'm supposed to text him and I'm nervous and I don't what to do."

My rant is finished and Kiyoko says absolutely nothing. Her hands go back to her body and she folds them on her lap. I sit there with the harsh reality that she may think I'm a fool. I stiffen until I hear it for the first time. It's her soft laughter. It's like a bell and is so quiet, it could be softer than a mouse squeaking. She puts her clean hand to her mouth and closes her eyes.

"You were just attacked, strangled and you're worried about texting a boy. You're crazy Hitz-chan," she giggles and I feel a smile come to face.

"Damn right I'm crazy," I giggle to her and after a few moments I realize the boys are looking at us like we're indeed crazy.

I wave them off and feel Kiyoko begin to wrap my neck. The gauze is itchy and her hands are soft. The girl's eyes shine and I can see she's finally getting used to me. Making a wide smile at her I realize that I should be more scars of what just happened. I try to assess my emotions but I think I'm in shock. My mind is avoiding the entire situation and I know somewhere deep down is my real reaction to be strangled.

"The boy you like injured himself," she murmurs in concentration.

"I don't like him," I hurriedly reply and Kiyoko gives me a look that says she doesn't believe me. "I don't. I was just worried."

"Then is he your friend?"

"I suppose. I haven't known him for very long," I tell her and she finishes with the gauze. Giving her my paper tape, she wraps around my neck.

"Alright, well you can start by asking him about his injury," she offers in a whisper and I nod.

Opening my phone, I start a new message. Do I say hello first? Does he knows my number? Of course he does, he put my number in his phone when he took it. I should ask what the doctor said. Or is that too forward? Maybe that's a little creepy. But I really want to know if he went to the doctor. I finally type up a message.

Hey Aone, it's Katrina. How is your finger doing? What did the doctor say about it? Did you remember to ice it?

Kiyoko looks at the message and nods her head and I press send before I can second guess myself. I close the phone and stare at it as she finishes wrapping my neck. The message doesn't come and I worry that maybe he wouldn't want to talk to me. Maybe I was too forward.

"Katrina, we're done with practice," Daichi's voice says as Kiyoko puts our supplies back into our bag.

"Okay, bring everyone together. I need to reassure you guys," I order and the captain nods with trust in his eyes. I get up and give Kiyoko back her jacket.

"Are you going to tell us who that man was?" Nishinoya asks as the boys come to me. He hasn't been on the team for long but he even feels overprotective of me. I shake my head and give him a sad smile.

"I am not going to tell you who that man is because I know you guys will just go after him. He won't do this again, I promise," I reassure and the boys look at me with pity. Tanaka is the next one to speak and his voice is uncharacteristically small.

"We should be promising you that you won't get hurt. We should be the ones protecting you," he voices and his eyes are scared for me.

I walk to him and rub his arm. Turning around the circle I can see all the boys worried for me, angry that I won't let them protect me and sad that I am protecting them when I'm so hurt. I smile and then go to the edge of the circle between Tsukki and Kageyama.

"You guys already protect me. You guys have no idea how much I need volleyball, how much I rely on all of you. It's the small things that keep me going. You all give me hope, courage, life. Don't think that I can do all this, that I can do it on my own. I need all of you," I say softly.

I put my hand out and make a fist. The boys mimic my action and I find tears in my eyes. Releasing my pinky and thumb, I link them with the boys next to me. Tsukki leans into me softly and I squeeze his thumb. Kageyama bumps his head with mine and tears fall. I had pushed the fear so far down that it's hitting me hard. Gil could have killed me. I learn that I indeed still fear him.

"It's okay Katrina," Hinata reassures and Yamaguchi nods with him. The tears fall to the floor of my gym and my chest rises and falls erratically.

"I'm sorry. I should be stronger. You guys should have a better coach, not a girl who's a mess. I'm sorry," I break. I have breakdowns so many times with them. Is it because I haven't been with people or is it because I haven't allowed anyone to get close to me?

"You are the strongest out of all of us," Sugawara says strongly from across the circle. I lean more into Tsukki and bring my arm closer to me, still holding onto the circle. The circle gets smaller and all of our shoulders are touching those next to us.

"I don't feel like that. I just feel scared," I whisper as my lip trembles.

"You can let us help you. We can protect you," Daichi says reassuringly and I nod once.

"Okay. I'll let you help me but it will take time. I haven't trusted in a long time," I laugh out with happiness.

They won't abandon me. I can trust them. I know I can. The boys see me for what I am at the base of my soul. I'm not a depressed schizophrenic; I'm not a star volleyball player; I'm not a coach who always speaks their mind. I'm a scared girl who has been hurt so badly that they can't trust anymore.

"We'll protect you," the murmurs come as the boys wrap me up in a warm hug.

Tsukki and Kageyama are surprisingly at its center and are closest to me. I can feel my eyes finally dry themselves out and I notice I'm clutching my head. The voices start to yell at me a moment later. They scream that I can't trust them. They scream that they will abandon me. But I ignore them. Because I want to trust.

"I'm such a crybaby," I joke as the boys releaseme. Kiyoko comes to me and hands me my jacket, having gotten it out of my satchel.

"Yes you are," Tsukki teases and I lightly punch his arm. He gives me a rare smile and I wipe my face.

"Come on," I announce as I head to the door. "I'm starving for a seafood bun."

The boys hurry, smiling faces at me finally saying I'll trust them. As I get out the door I find a new message on my phone. It's from Aone but I don't get to read it until I lock up the gym. Grabbing my bike, the whole team and I make our way to the convenience store. Giving my bike to Yamaguchi, I finally read the message.

Katrina, yes I did ice it like you said. The doctor told me it was a sprain and I can't play until next week. He also told me to thank you for the splint, it would have broken if you hadn't wrapped it when you did. It doesn't hurt that much anymore but I want to really thank you for caring about me.

I stare at the message and read it several times. The boys around me are all yelling about stupid high school things. Looking back at Kiyoko, I show her the message and she just shrugs. I don't think she wants to tell me how to live my life but I also don't think she's been in my position before. I gain courage to send another text.

I'm glad that it wasn't worse. And you don't have to thank me, I just worried about you and am glad you let me splint it in the first place.

I send the text before I could doubt anything. We get to the convenience store and eat meat buns while talking about plays we could do. My phone sat in my pocket and I waited for another text. The blonde shopkeeper kept looking at my bandages but when the others noticed I was uncomfortable, they shot him glares to stop. We left before they could beat him up.

"We'll walk you home," Nishinoya and Tanaka announce at the same time when we exit the store.

"You guys don't have to," I argue but they look at me with worried eyes and I sigh. "Only if you want to."

"Cool we'll get to see your apartment!" Tanaka yells and runs down the path. Nishinoya follows him and I grab my bike from the side of the shop.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow for Saturday practice," I announce but Hinata stops me.

"What's your address so I could ride my bike with you and pick you up," he says forcefully and I wonder if I'm ever going to be alone on the streets ever again.

"Are you going to do this every morning?" I ask quietly and the boys all nod their heads.

I sigh deeply and curse Gilbert. But I do feel better knowing I won't be alone. So much for having silence. I give my address to the boys and they each make note of where I live. After that's done, I tell them goodbye and catch up to the two second years who are arguing about some video game. Tanaka takes my bike when another text comes in.

I just trusted you.

The text is short and I blush heavily as I read the words over and over. Why does he trust me? We barely know each other? Why do I worry about him? What's going on with us? I send a small response and close my phone with a snap. I trust him; I don't even know why the words feel right but they do. I take my bike back and smile at the sun.

Thank you.

"Tanaka! Put Nishinoya down before you hurt him!"

Hey everyone. So I gave you a long chapter after a long wait last time. So now you get a relatively shorter chapter with a shorter wait. I realize that most of the time Katrina is crying and I dont know why I always do that but I do. Anyway, yah. I don't know. Thank you to everyone who has gotten this far. Comment how you think the two last chapters have been. Have they been good? Atrocious? Meh? I can handle the crticism.

As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.