Hey y'all sorry its taken so long to update. I was finishing my senior year and I just didn't have time to sit down and write this chapter…. I hope y'all like it… I thought I would get this chapter up before my graduation tomorrow.. please review
I grabbed a hold of the handle and pulled open the door. The smell of alcohol surrounded me the second I stepped inside. Deep down I know I should leave but the part of me that is filled with the feeling of guilt wants to just drown in my sorrows. So I head over to the bar, take a seat, and order a shot of whiskey. Looking at the brown liquid I am taken back to about 15 years ago where I lived off this stuff. I remember every stupid decision I made because of this drink. I remember all the times I made Rayna cry because I was so wasted I could hardly stand up straight. Those memories right there made me want to run out of this place as fast as I could, and I was about to when I remembered what made me come here in the first place.
I remember the words that I had thrown in her face, I remember the tears she had tried to hide; and this time I couldn't blame it on the whiskey. I hurt her and there was no excuse I could hide behind and there was no reason for her to ever forgive me. I took her biggest fear and threw it back in her face like it was nothing. So I pick up the glass and bring it to my mouth ready to drink myself into oblivion hoping that the words swirling around in my head disappear.
When all of a sudden I hear HER voice begging me to stop, I look around trying to see if she was actually here but after a quick scan of the place I realized I was just imaging it. So I bring the glass up once again but I hear her again begging me to stop. I hear her telling me that I'm better than this, that drinking again won't fix anything. These were the things she used to tell me all the time when we were younger. It felt so real that I set the drink down and pushed it away from me and asked the bar tender for water.
"How long has it been?" the bartender ask as soon as he comes back with my water.
"12 years how could you tell?"
"Usually only those who have been sober stare at a drink that long and only the strong ones will push it away. If you don't mind me asking what drove you back to a place like this?"
"Because I am an idiot when I am a drunk and I am an idiot when I'm not and I don't see the difference if I hurt the people I care about either way. It would be easier if I could blame everything on the drink."
"Well if it would be easier then why did you push it away?"
"Because even though I've hurt the woman I love more times that I want to admit she seems to always be there for me even if she's not here physically. I could hear her begging me to stop when I picked up the glass."
"Then you my friend are definitely one of the strong ones, I have lose count of how many people I've seen break their sobriety even with people with them."
"I'm not strong, nowhere near it. I just know that if I did drink that it would only cause her more pain and hearing her voice reminded me that I'm in this place because of the pain I have caused her."
"The fact that you realized that and the fact that you listened makes you strong. You may not be perfect, hell none of us are but you fought through temptation, you may not have come through unscathed but you did come through alive and still sober."
When he left to go help other customers I was left alone with my thoughts and I begin to wonder if maybe he was right. I was about to get up and leave and think about what he said when I saw a guitar tucked away in the corner of the stage.
So I head over to the bartender and ask him if I was allowed to use the stage and the guitar. After getting his permission I headed over to the stage and picked up the guitar and started playing.
It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why
[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside
[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I do that to you
I have had these questions stuck in my head for over 6 months. Why do I wait until I've hurt her before I start trying to fix everything? Why do I always end up hurting her? I mean she was the only one in my corner for so long and I reward her by completely hurting her.
When I finished singing and looked out into the crowd I could see some of them pushing back the tears. In that moment I realized that if I had even a remote chance of fixing things with her, I needed to answer the questions that have been plaguing my mind.