I apologize for this being the shortest chapter in the bunch but don't worry, I'll make up for it. I promise :)
"Dear Eli, I can imagine how you're feeling right now. Memories of Julia probably possess you as you read this. You're probably drowning in your guilt and fears, letting your emotions suffocate you. You're afraid of me. Afraid that you once again, are the sole responsibility of another death. Of another life ruined. Eli, you are NOT the reason I killed myself.
We shared a lot of memories. You were one of my greatest friends after all. So this letter isn't about one moment in particular that you changed me. This letter is about all the times, all the moments we shared. This letter is what our whole friendship was.
You're afraid of happiness. I think that's your biggest fear. You hate the thought of how easily your peace of mind can be ripped away from you. Raw, burning, seething pain left in its absence. Cool, dark emptiness after that. When Julia died, you told me that your life shattered into millions of sharp-edged pieces. That night K.C. threw the bottle against the wall; it was you I was thinking of. I watched those shards of glass glitter and tumble in the air like diamonds and I saw it as the moment your life fell apart.
I know Julia's memory clings to you. She sits at the bottom of your heart and rots it away. She likes to smother you. You let her though, you let Julia warp in your mind so instead of being a person you loved, she becomes a person bent on destroying you.
You push people away Eli. You let them come to a certain point before you shut them down. You also know how to goad people to their breaking points. To where they become dogged in hurting you. I know you want that though. Because if you can force pain upon yourself, for others to bring you pain, than you can't be happy. You don't want to be happy because if you have nothing happy in your life, than it can't be taken away from you.
You fear intimacy. You fear friendship. You fear love. You fear anything that can result in you being content. You are numb to the world but I need you to stop. That's what happened to me, Eli. I became afraid to live, afraid to take chances, afraid to be brave, to be strong, to be myself. I shut myself down, dulled myself to the point where I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore. Even though you are NOT the reason I killed myself, it is your letter that I'm writing last. I'm going to end my life as soon as I put this pen down. I'm not afraid to die, because I feel dead already. I gave up on hope. I gave up on love. I gave up, just like you have and I know that this is what needs to happen to me but I cannot allow it to happen to you.
You have people that love you. Look up and you'll see Adam, you'll see Clare and you know that they love you. You have your parents, and your two little sisters that care so deeply for you. Even though I'm...about to take my life, I still love you. Set Julia free, and let yourself be happy. Open up to a world that has so much good to offer.
It's strange, knowing that in a couple of minutes my hand will never be able to write again. My eyes will never see another night sky spread with ivory stars, or another sunrise that leeks oranges and pinks into my room. My ears will never hear another Dead Hand song, or the loveliest sound of Adam laughing at one of your jokes. I'll never be able to feel the softness of my comforter, or the silky feeling of my dog, Teddy's fur. I will never again feel a strawberry burst in my mouth and feel it's sweet juice soak into my tongue. I will never feel happiness bubble up and glow throughout me, nor will I ever feel the despairing weight of depression crush down upon me.
Eli, live for the both of us now. Experience everything I will never get to. Go to another country. Go skydiving. Crowd surf at concert. Get a tattoo. Get married, have a family. Do this, please, for me. Love, Sophia."
I finished the letter, my voice coaxing into a sob at the end. I was about to fold the letter back up when I saw something at the end of the paper. My pulse jumped wildly, my heart sped. I didn't read it aloud but rather in my head, the words: "P.S. I'm sorry."
I didn't understand. Had every letter gotten this? I hadn't seen anyone else's but it wasn't like it was something to hide. Why was it just on my letter?
Wave upon wave of thoughts were so busy crashing in my head that I missed the conversation going on around me.
"So Clare or Wesley? Which one of you wants to go next?" Bianca inquired.
Clare and Wesley looked at each other. Wesley had remained silent this whole time, but that wasn't surprising. Wesley was known for being tremendously shy.
"I-um," Wesley muttered, his ebony corkscrew curls blowing about furiously in the wind.
Clare let out a soft huff and crossed her arms.
"One of you has to go," argued Bianca. "Everybody else has."
Wesley's face bloomed bright red. Clearly the prospect of speaking out loud petrified him. Clare remained immobile. Each of them held on to their letters as they fluttered about in the storm.
It was at this moment the first raindrop plummeted down to earth. It was the same exact instant that a tremendous gust of wind rippled through us, snatching Wesley and Clare's letters and tossing them up into the air, away from us. Rain began to stream from the sky, thick and fast.
Next chapter will hopefully be up tomorrow, so I'll just leave you at the edges of your seat until then.
Btw, check out my youtube (SarahxSin) for video adaptations of each chapter!
Also check out Anna's video of Eleven that she made. Her youtube name is SDABHHFAN4LIFE and you all probably recognize her on youtube for making some kickass Eclare videos!
Don't forget to review!