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Nightshade & Sakura | Chapter 10: Changes
Beginning Notes from the Author
Hello, everyone! New update, 8000 words, two days ahead of schedule. Consider this your early Christmas present. ;) Sadly, this is where I tell you that it is the beginning of the end for this fic (or the start of Phase 3: Come On Wrap It Up, Bee, Really Mate Jeez). Possibly another 20,000-30,000 words, and I will be calling it complete. Then again, I'm terrible at estimating so those numbers could be off by less or more. I'm very eager to finish it (because holy flying furby, I've been working on this project since early July!) and present NAS as one, whole completed fic for you lovely people in the Reylo fandom. Endings are usually the first things I have down when writing a story, so I'm excited to get it out there.
So in the spirit of NAS's many whiskey references and Christmas, I have created a game for myself for the final read-through once it is posted. Every time Rey cries or Kylo gives that f bomb some lovin', take a drink (from your eggnog or whatever you choose). Every time Rey says she's fine, take a drink. Every time Kylo and Rey fight, you got it, bottoms up! And if you still think you have enough left for the final scene of this chapter… you probably don't. XD Get more. Preferably strong. And send some my way. These two hatebird idiots will be the death of me, and I still got a few more chapters to write.
That's all. Enjoy.
Rey — Six Weeks Later
Breathe, Rey reminded herself, picking up her phone from the restroom counter. Slowly.
Kylo Ren
Made it to my hotel. Going to take a shower. When will you be here?
Rey smoothed out the wrinkles on her maternity dress and stared at herself in the mirror. Now, at eighteen weeks, her abdomen was round and swollen, the baby almost unmistakable when she wore fitted clothes. Like today—a stretchy crimson dress that cradled her bump and made it more pronounced. Everything felt heavier, weighted down, like she'd swallowed a bowling ball whole. A bowling ball that loved to crush her bladder and make bathroom runs look like 100 meter dashes complete with hurdles. The morning sickness had faded, but the heartburn and the urge to pee every ten minutes hadn't.
Rey typed a reply, stomach flipping. "It's okay," she told the baby. "We're going to see daddy. It's been a long time since you've heard his voice, hasn't it?" She'd started talking to the baby a few weeks ago, despite knowing that it couldn't hear anything yet. The act felt more personal and real, like a whole separate person was truly alive inside of her.
Rey Jackson
Be there in 20.
For the past seven weeks, she'd counted down the days until she saw him again—marked her appointment in red permanent marker and crossed out each day that passed.
Their fights. Rey found herself scrolling through her phone and listening to the voicemail he'd left her after their first argument all those weeks ago. " Hey. I'm sorry I missed you," he started. "You're probably asleep. I'm a massive dick. I…" His voice cracked. "Love you. Do you know that?" A breath. "I'll make it up to you. We'll make this work. Just two more weeks, right?"
But was it, their relationship, working? Their second fight had been about Niall—he didn't want her hanging out him. Ben always noticed how Rey would clam up when she spoke about him. And it was true; Rey had thought about being with Niall. He was supportive of her pregnancy and kind. Their relationship was easy, built on jokes and his constant inquires into how the baby was doing. "Well maybe if you weren't so argumentative, I wouldn't even be thinking about him!" Rey had shouted at Ben over the phone. Ben hadn't hung up on her that time, but it'd taken them both a week to formally apologize.
Then their third fight came. About his family and their role in Rey's pregnancy. He didn't like his family around their child, unborn or not, didn't like the idea of them even around Rey while she was carrying his child. By this argument, Rey had given up fighting back. He was always ridiculous and stubborn when it came to the issue of his family. She would have told him as much, but that would've started a separate, additional argument.
Had it been the distance making them fight? Or were they too complicated to have a healthy relationship?
Then there was abortion. Over and over, she'd thought of Mara and Rose's suggestion. It would be much easier to take that route, but she couldn't. It felt morally wrong—ending the existence of an eighteen-week old fetus. Developed arms and legs on the monitor at eleven weeks in Japan. To her, a full-formed baby even then. Mara and Rose didn't agree, but Rey ignored them. It was, ultimately, her choice.
Rey took another glance at herself in the mirror. She needed to leave soon—say goodbye to Mara in her office and meet Ben at his hotel. But first she reapplied her makeup. A dash of mascara, a sweep of blush and lipstick and she was mentally wishing her reflection good luck and walking out the door to find Mara.
Mara did a double take as Rey entered her office. "Leaving now?" she asked, typing away. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I don't mind going alone."
Her phone buzzed with another text message.
Niall O'Connor
Good luck, R. You're amazing.
"Who's that?"
"Niall. Sorry, one sec."
Rey Jackson
Thank you! So nervous! :S
Mara smiled. "I like him. He seems like a lovely boy."
"Yeah, he really is." But he's not Ben, Rey wanted to add. No matter how good of a friend he was, no matter how much Rey and Ben fought, that fact would remain true.
Niall wasn't Ben.
Rey said goodbye to Mara and hailed a taxi, hand shaking as she stuck it in the air. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben… it was like seeing him in Tokyo again. Rey smoothed her dress over her knees and twirled the lotus pendant. Ben. Ben. Ben.
He was there, behind the glass, in the lobby. His hair had gotten longer, damp from the shower. Jeans well-fitted, a blue button down. Standing and waiting for her with his hands in his pockets.
Rey couldn't stop herself. The automatic doors opened, and she sprinted into his arms.
His warmth. It enveloped her, drew the tears from her eyes. He kissed her head, holding her tightly against him. His smell, the spicy soap. She wanted to bathe in it, lose herself until she couldn't remember anything or anyone but him.
"I think there's something more between us," he whispered above her, the smile evident in his voice. "She's grown a lot, hasn't she?" His fingers found her belly, thumbs stroking it back and forth.
Rey raised her chin to look at him. "You saw how big I was. I sent you pictures."
"Yeah, but seeing it in and a photo and being here…" He shook his head, glanced down, thumbs continuing to stroke. "Is she moving yet?"
"I'm not sure. I've started to feel a little flutter, but I don't know." She laughed, wanting to add, it could be gas. It would be the truth, but she wasn't ready to talk about her bodily functions yet. He'd seen her puke, and she'd like his knowledge to stop there.
He was quiet, eyes darting from her stomach to her face.
"What?" she asked with another laugh.
"I don't know. It's real. You. This." He ran a hand through his hair. "Are you hungry? I haven't eaten yet. We have an hour, right?"
"Forty-five minutes, and I'm too nervous to eat. I have to drink over a liter of water before my appointment. They want me to suffer."
His face became grave. "If they aren't treating you right, we can find another doctor."
Rey shook her head. She'd already changed providers at Ben's request. He wanted to pay for her to have a private obstetrician, not a midwife, so that it would be closer to American and Japanese standards. He also didn't like the way her midwife had treated her when she requested a sonogram at eight weeks. "Did you see the article I sent you?" he'd said. "It's normal in the US to have one at eight weeks, and in Japan, expectant mothers have them every other week during the first trimester. The standards in the U.K. are unsafe. You're changing to an obstetrician. Fuck the NHS." In moments like that, Kylo Ren was fully in control—demanding, dominant, the man he'd been on their first video call. But in this instance, Rey hadn't argued with him. He had been taking an active role in becoming a father.
"They're treating me quite well," she said. "I have to have a full bladder before the sonogram. Thank you for paying for everything."
"As long as you're monitored competently. That's all that matters to me." He leaned down, lips melding with hers, unguarded. But then his head snapped back up abruptly. "Dammit, you're wearing lipstick, aren't you?"
His lips were red—bright red. Rey giggled. "You look a little like Tim Curry."
He glared at her, trying to wipe it off. "I hate when you wear lipstick. You don't need it. Why are you wearing so much makeup today?"
"I don't know. I was nervous about seeing you again."
"There's nothing to be nervous about. I've told you multiple times. I'm not going anywhere. You've got my kid." He entwined their fingers, continuing to wipe off the lipstick from his mouth. "What the fuck did they put in this shit?"
"Ingredients attracted to Kylo Ren. Seriously, this lipstick never lasts on me. It must fancy you."
"Very funny. Come on, let's get you something to eat. I know a quick American-style restaurant around here. I called ahead to check if they were still in business."
"You know the restaurants in this area?"
"Does Leia live near Irving Park?"
"Yes. Why?"
He ushered her out of the door and hailed a taxi. "I spent two separate years in London. My grandmother, Leia's mother, was British, and my grandfather was half Japanese, half American. He spoke Japanese to Leia and Luke, but Leia forgot most of it. They were raised in America. Luke married Ayane and lived in Japan for fifteen or so years."
"You never told me. Our baby has Japanese blood?"
"Very little, but yeah. Alexander has a similar story. His dad was half."
Ben gave the driver an address and rested a hand on her belly. The restaurant was a short way—maybe three minutes.
"Would have been nice to know that before knocking me up, yeah?"
"We both didn't want this to happen."
Rey focused on the trees sweeping by in swift, hazy rows. "But in a way, didn't we? You got upset with me because you'd thought I'd taken the morning after pill. You didn't actually want me to take it in the end."
"But you did take it."
"I never told you. I took it after you left, late by a few hours. You left before I could talk to you about it."
His hand tensed on her stomach. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I didn't think it was important. I was pregnant either way."
"Why did you hesitate?"
"I don't know?" She snuggled into him. "I suppose a part of me wanted this. If it meant you'd stay, and if you didn't, at least I had something of you."
Ben flinched and appeared to consider what she'd said. She didn't know if he planned to reply or not because after a few moments, the taxi stopped in front of the restaurant.
"I'm not sure if I can have this," Rey said, staring at the menu posted outside the door. Greasy burgers and chips littered the list. "It looks like a good bit of fried food."
"They have grilled stuff. Come on."
The restaurant was styled like an old American '50's diner, the booths glittery red, vintage regalia decking the walls.
"Han used to take me here when I was a kid," Ben said, holding up two fingers in the hostess's direction. "Best shakes in London."
Han. Was that a good sign?
"Oh my god, you're making me crave naughty things."
He leaned in, grabbed her arm. His smell made her dizzy. "Don't I always do that to you? Make you a bad girl? Tonight" — His eyes trailed down her body — "I'm going to fuck you senseless."
"We're in public. And I really don't understand how you can still find me attractive now."
He pressed against her. Enough so that she felt it. "See what you do to me?"
The hostess led them to a booth, their conversation momentarily paused. Ben slid in next to Rey, not across, a hand on her thigh. She shifted, trying to shake him off.
"What? Don't want me sitting next to you?"
"I just… Is this all our relationship is really? Sexual attraction?"
Ben rolled his eyes and turned away.
"I'm not trying to start another fight." She touched his arm; he scowled at her, displeased. "Please. We haven't seen each other in almost two months. Don't be upset with me. I'm worried."
He relaxed, kissing her temple. "We talked about it before. I'm not with you for that. I love you. Why is it hard to believe?"
"You stutter when you say it."
"It's serious. I haven't said it to anyone in eight years. Haven't wanted to, haven't felt it. And you constantly questioning our relationship pisses me off. I love you. Did I stutter then? We're a couple. We have sex. It's normal."
The waiter came to take their drink orders.
"I'll have a bottle of water," Rey said, watching Ben's eyes skim across the alcoholic drink menu.
He hesitated, then said, "The same."
"Thank you," she whispered when the waiter left.
"I told you I'd cut down for you and the baby. Stop implying I only want you for sex. It's insane."
She reached for a tissue from her purse, knowing the tears were coming. "I'm sorry. It's… our relationship is crazy intense and scary and…" She sniffed. "Everything happened so fast. I feel like I have whiplash."
He sighed deeply and drew her face to his chest. "I know. Me too."
The lobby was packed with women, bellies all stages and sizes. Looking at them, Rey didn't feel so massive with her eighteen-week old stomach nestled underneath Ben's hand.
"Stop picking at your nails," Ben said, bringing her fingers to his lips.
"I can't. I'm nervous."
"Is your guess still a girl?"
Rey nodded. "Mother's intuition, perhaps? Oh, and have you seen some of the dresses we could put her in? When I was shopping for maternity clothes last week, I saw the loveliest thing. I should've take a photograph. Blue chiffon, pink lace, and a bow tie on the front."
He kissed her, lingering against her lips. "You could've got it."
"Oh I know, but I didn't want to waste your money."
"It's your money, for the baby or anything you need."
Every month since they'd been apart, Ben had given her 1500 pounds. She'd tried to protest—but he'd been adamant about it being intended for a private obstetrician and the general expenses of carrying his child. He felt guilty, she realized. Like he had when he gave her that money in Tokyo for a dress. But if he always felt so guilty, why couldn't he do the right thing the first time?
"I'm very happy you flew all this way for only a day. Thank you. I'm so nervous. I hope she's healthy and…" Rey had to stop or she'd cry again.
"She will be. You haven't had complications so far."
Rey leaned her head against his shoulder, mind buzzing with possibilities. Would it truly be a girl? Was she growing well? Healthy? Would she look like Ben, her, or a mix between them both? How would she—
Red hair. Blue and white polka dot business dress, glancing around the lobby. Rey rushed to her feet and walked toward her, trying to put as much distance between herself and Ben as possible in three seconds.
"There you are," Mara said with a smile.
"Mum, what are you doing here?"
Mara pulled her discreetly to the side, voice hushed. "When you left, I had a think. I haven't been completely supportive of you deciding to have the baby, I know. I suppose I thought you'd at least consider abortion. And when you said you were going alone to such an important appointment, it didn't sit well with me. I mulled it over for an hour until Leia couldn't stand my worrying anymore and ordered me to be here for you. So here I am. Doing my good motherly deed. Are you alright? You look upset."
Rey swallowed. "No, I'm fine, really. I'm surprised to see you."
"Did you forget your handbag at the office?"
"No, umm, mum, listen. The baby's father, my boyfriend, is here. I lied to you. I'm sorry."
"Oh? Where?" Mara craned her neck, eyes skimming over the lobby. "You've been so secretive about him."
Rey tried to block her view—bobbing her head up and down. But Mara froze, eyes growing wide. What did Rey think she could do? Ben was sitting, but he wasn't a small man. Not at all. His large frame and long face could be recognized by anyone that knew him.
Her gaze snapped to Rey. "What is he doing here?"
"Can I explain?"
"Is he the baby's father?"
Everyone in the lobby seemed to be staring at them now. Rey looked over at Ben, his eyebrows furrowed, arms crossed. He eyed the door.
"Yes," Rey stated determinedly. "I know you're upset with me. But please be civil. He's been extremely supportive."
"How could you? Him? Really?" Mara pursed her lips, nostrils flaring a little. "Well, then."
Rey could see she wanted to say more, and if they'd been alone and not in a busy waiting room, Mara would have told Rey exactly what she thought. But they weren't. Mara breathed in and walked toward Ben, heels clicking on the tile.
With his eyes on the ground, Ben squirmed in his chair like a child caught in a lie. Rey almost released the laugh rising to her lips. Kylo Ren. A tall, broad shouldered man with the worst mouth Rey had ever heard—afraid of a slight, short woman who sewed pink frills on every curtain and decorative pillow.
"So," Mara began, plopping into the seat next to him. "Guess you've never heard of wrap it before you tap it?"
"MUM!"
"Pull the plug so you don't fill the jug?"
Ben slouched in his chair, jaw locked.
"That one doesn't even make sense," Rey mumbled. "And can we please not talk about water? I have to pee."
"I'm just having a good bit of fun with him. But I suppose Kylo Ren doesn't do fun. Apparently just my daughter. Whom he's known since she was a child."
"Mum, really, stop."
"Rey Jackson?" the receptionist called.
Rey grabbed her handbag. "It's time, and I would really like it if you both came."
"As long as she doesn't speak to me, everything's fine," Ben spat, standing up. His hand wrapped around Rey's waist in that possessive, Kylo Ren way—fingers glued to her skin.
Mara tensed at Rey's side, staring at their contact. "It appears you don't need me, my love. This is a personal time for you both."
"Please," Rey insisted. "I want you with me too. It's your grandchild."
Mara considered that for a moment, continuing to stare at Ben's hand around Rey's waist. "Alright."
Mara and Ben both followed her into the room, Ben's hand still clutched protectively around her stomach.
"Have a seat," the sonogram technician said to them, gesturing to the big chair in the center of the room.
Rey felt Mara and Ben's eyes on her. She didn't know if it was Mara glaring at Ben or vise-versa, but the negative feelings were undeniable. Thoughts danced around her head when she should've been paying attention. A part of her wanted to grasp Ben's hand, pull him close and experience this moment together, alone, but another part wanted her mother's hand, telling her that everything would be okay with the baby and Ben. But neither was the reality. Was this how it would always be? Stuck between wanting her mother and the man she loved? Could she handle a lifetime of rude comments and glares between them, her family? Would her child be stuck living between two countries, two systems, and two people that hated one another?
With the lukewarm goop smothered on, the ultrasound technician, who had introduced herself as Emily, rolled the probe across Rey's stomach. "Nervous?" she asked, focusing on the screen.
"A little," Rey replied.
Ben squeezed her hand tightly, lips offering a warm smile. Mara was on the other side, standing above her and tucking strands of Rey's hair behind her ears.
"Don't be. You're a little early for an ultrasound, aren't you?"
"Our work schedules are quite busy in August."
"I see. What do you do for work?" Emily moved the probe across Rey's stomach, trying to get a clear picture. The screen flashed black and white, shapes like rippling water. One moment it would take on the form of a baby and the next, it would go back to waves. "Just getting a few images of the placenta," Emily explained.
Rey told her about her job as an ambassador for the English Resistance, the speeches she gave at universities, the conferences she attended in Japan and the U.K. "And the father wanted me to receive check-ups according to the Japanese and American standards," Rey added with a playful glance in Ben's direction.
"No worries," Emily said. "She is well looked after."
Ben's face remained neutral, the mask of Kylo Ren. "Yes, we have a private doctor now. I don't trust some aspects of the governmental system."
Rey looked to her left and right. Who should she focus on? On the right, there was Ben, her child's father. On the left, there was Mara, her mother. Every few seconds, Rey noticed how Mara would glare at Ben, her jaw ticking slightly. Ben, however, seemed to ignore her, eyes only on Rey.
Rey decided to focus on the screen. At last, the picture stabilized and took on the form of a baby.
"And there's your baby," Emily said.
Mara gasped. "Oh, Rey! Look at those little fingers and toes. Amazing."
Ben brushed away tears from her cheeks. "You okay?"
Mara handed her a tissue, and Rey dabbed fruitlessly under her eyes. Emily took pictures, measured the head, and made notes while Rey stared at the screen, speechless.
"Now, do you want to know the sex?"
Rey glanced at Ben. His hand tightened around her palm.
Emily moved the probe to what appeared to be the baby's bottom, little greyscale legs flashing across the screen. Rey squinted her eyes, heart racing. She'd affirmed over and over when thinking of this day for the past month since she'd made the appointment: she wouldn't be disappointed as long as the baby was healthy.
Emily raised her eyebrows. "Wow, the legs are nice and spread today. Not a shy one at all." A pause. "I think..." She did a few more passes across Rey's stomach. Every second and brush of the probe felt like an eternity.
Mara clapped her hands once with joy. "Oh look, a dick, just like his father!"
"It does look like a boy." Emily let out an awkward laugh. "Yes, I think we can call it. You are having a boy. Congratulations."
The pressure on her palm was gone, hand empty. Ben. He was staring blankly ahead at the screen.
"I could've sworn I was having a girl," Rey whispered, unnerved by his reaction.
"It definitely looks like a boy. Do you see this here?" The screen focused on a slight protruding shape. "A boy."
Rey leaned forward. "Those are his bits?"
"Yes. If it was a girl, these would be more tucked up, less out there if that makes sense."
Rey's eyes burned. It was supposed to be a happy moment between her and Ben, the confirmation of what she'd dreamt about for the last two months. A girl in Ben's arms, tiny voice shouting daddy! daddy! and laughing as he tickled her. It was all gone. The bows, the dresses. The looks Ben would give her while he cradled her tiny form.
Mara handed Rey another tissue and rubbed her back. "I know you wanted a girl, but a little boy will be fun. I've heard boys are usually more attached to their mothers . He will be such a sweet little thing, can't you see it?" Mara gave Rey's back a pat. "Oh, it's alright, my love. Don't cry. I was only having a go at Ben just now."
Ben remained silent, suspended. Emily took the rest of the pictures she needed and made a few more notes.
"Is he healthy?" Rey asked once Emily removed the probe and began to wipe down her belly.
"I can't comment on that. Your doctor will contact you within a few days, but as far as I can tell, all his measurements look great."
"That's wonderful!" Mara exclaimed. "That's all that matters—a healthy baby, boy or not."
But Ben's emotionless expression didn't change.
When they left the hospital, Mara asked to speak to Rey alone in her car for a few minutes.
"I'll meet you at the hotel in about an hour," she told Ben, standing on her toes to kiss him. His lips were loose, eyes unfocused. "I need to grab my suitcase at the house anyway."
"Yeah, take your time."
"Everything will be okay, right?"
"Yeah. Sure."
His response worried her, but she didn't show it, instead walking to Mara's car and reminding herself to breathe after every step. The baby was healthy. Mara was right. That's all that mattered.
When she made it into the car and shut the door, Mara turned to face her, shaking her head. "How could you? You know what he did to the company. I told you what kind of person he was. I told you to stay away from him."
"I love him."
"You don't know what love really, truly is. You're twenty-one, he's nearly ten years older than you. He knows better."
The tears were back. Hot, fresh, streaming down her face in thick globs. "Can you please stop? I love him. You can't change that. He's the father of this child. You can't change that either. I'm not in the mood to argue with you."
"He's… upset about it being a boy, isn't he?"
She choked. "Yes, and I don't know what to do. It feels like one crisis after another, and I can't take it anymore. You don't want me to be with him, but you don't understand how hard I tried to stay away. I can't. No matter what I do. It all comes back to him. I haven't stopped thinking about him for eight years."
"That's why I said he knows better. He's so much older than you. The things he did to his ex-girlfriend, Rey…"
"I know about them. He told me."
"He physically and emotionally abused her, and if he's the same as he was eight years ago, he's an alcoholic. I'm surprised he hasn't destroyed his health yet. What with the way I know Alexander works him to the bone."
"I love him," Rey repeated, defiantly this time. "And Yuki still talks to him so he couldn't have been that awful."
"Don't make excuses. You can't change him." Mara shook her head. "Please, be smart."
"What would you like me to do? Tell him he can't be a part of his child's life?"
"Of course not! I'm saying you don't have to be with him. You can choose that."
"No."
"No?"
"No. I'm staying with him. I love him. What don't you understand about that?"
"You're flying with him to Sapporo tomorrow, aren't you?"
Rey didn't reply.
Mara touched her hand. "Rey, be careful. Alexander Snoke is not a good man. It's a breach of your contract to have relations with employees from other recruiting companies, but First English is notorious for having high consequences for offenders. Ben could get in a lot of trouble, and for the safety of you and the baby, be smart."
"You think Alexander will do something?"
"Kylo Ren makes him a lot of money. Ben is bloody good at his job, one of the best representatives I've ever seen. His speeches are eloquent, his Japanese near-native. For everything bad that man is, he's brilliant. Him having a baby with a representative from a rival company will not go well. I don't know what Alexander will do, but be careful."
Ben was waiting for Rey in the lobby again when she returned to the hotel, this time sitting in one of the chairs.
"Not quite yet time for dinner, is it?" Rey asked awkwardly.
"No. What do you wanna do?" He didn't look at her as he said it, a complete shift from how he'd arrived.
"Could we have a lazy night in? I'm exhausted. I worked most of the weekend to prepare for the conference."
She followed him to the hotel room in silence. The drive home with Mara had gone similarly after their talk. Wherever Rey turned, it seemed there was someone unhappy with her or her decisions. Ben didn't want a boy, that was clearly etched in every glance, a look rooted in something deeper than disappointment.
The door closed. His lips collided with hers, hands cupping her neck. The change was so abrupt, Rey almost choked. He tugged down her stockings and slipped a hand underneath her bra, brushing over her swollen belly and squeezing her breasts.
"Ben, wait."
He didn't. He was taking off his jeans now, hardness pressing against her abdomen. Lips consumed hers, strong, demanding. "Shut up and let me fuck you."
"Not..." A kiss. "Yet…" A breath. "Can we talk?"
He forced her gently onto the bed.
"Ben, please. Stop."
"What the fuck is your problem?!" he exploded. We haven't had sex in two fucking months. I've flown twelve goddamn hours and spent three fucking grand so I could be with you, and you're telling me to stop? Fuck you."
He rolled over the other side of the bed, chest heaving.
His words stung, but Rey swallowed the tears and caressed his arm. "It's not that I don't want to have sex. I do. But first I want to talk about what happened today, at the hospital."
"What the fuck is there to say? I don't wanna talk. I wanna fuck." He snatched her hand and pressed it to the top of his hardness. Wet, ready. Her core pulsed with heat. "I thought you weren't thirteen anymore. Is that how you want me to see you?"
"Why do you hate the idea of having a boy so much?!" she snapped. "I know it's not what we wanted, but really, what's the difference?! He's healthy, Ben. We have a healthy baby boy, not many couples get that." She snatched his hand and forced him to touch her stomach. " Your son."
"Yeah, that's the problem. He's mine."
She let his hand fall away, stunned. "There's nothing wrong with you."
"Yes, there is, and you fucking know it! Don't give me that goddamn garbage when I know you just spent the last fucking hour listening to that bitch tell you to leave me."
"She's worried about me! She's my mother."
"No, she's worried about me around you. I know I'm fucked up, Rey. I have a flaw in my code. I've always known it. And you know what a boy means? Every single fucking person will look at him and wonder when he's gonna fuck it all up. He has to, right? Because he's my son."
"He's a baby! He's innocent."
"For now."
"Why are you so negative? You say you have a flaw in your code, but I don't understand. What happened to you?"
He scrubbed his face. "Nothing. Leave it."
"You can tell me."
"I said leave it! Fuck!"
"Stop shouting at me! It's a question." She cradled his face, forcing him to look at her. "Let me help you."
He shrugged off her touch. "I don't want your help. I haven't slept in two days. I missed you. It's been two fucking months." His fingers moved to her center, playing at the entrance. Lips brushed her ear; the softness made her shiver. "I missed this." Groaning, he kissed her neck, bit the soft flesh. "You smell amazing."
His lips trailed down her breasts, hands continuing to rub her. He was using sex to avoid talking about the issue, she realized, but her body didn't care. It didn't when he was near. His smell. The taste of his mouth. It was different without the whiskey, yes, but him. Ben. Why did he he have this effect on her? That first night together, in the lift, when he'd caught her. The night she'd likely conceived their son. It had taken one night for him to leave it all behind, his family, his ex-girlfriend, her. And one night to start putting it together again.
She returned his advances, grabbing and stroking him, letting him toss her dress on the floor.
But he didn't cup her stomach like he'd done weeks prior during sex. He avoided it, almost pretended it didn't exist.
Between open-mouthed kisses, Rey brought his hand to feel the baby. He tensed, eyes shooting to hers. Broken, brows furrowed. He swallowed. "Rey…"
"We have a son." She placed a messy kiss on his lips. "Despite what you think about yourself, there's nothing wrong with you. There never was. I love you so much, and everything will be alright."
Ben nodded, swallowing again. His fingers kneaded circles across the bare skin on her belly.
She pushed down her underwear and guided him inside, deliberate and sure. The dance started slow, him on top of her and mindful of the baby between them. "It's strange with you like this," he whispered.
Rey laughed, stopping him briefly to insert a pillow underneath her cramping back. "He'd be mortified if he knew we'd done this while I was pregnant with him, wouldn't he?"
Ben responded by thrusting a little harder, teeth gritted. She let him do the positions he wanted and didn't complain when he compelled her to turn around. He never forgot to pleasure her anyway. His fingers slipped between her legs, gentle but rough strokes that made her body clench around his. "Where did you learn to do this?" she asked, panting.
He kissed her cheek, face next to hers. "What do you mean? Pleasure you?"
"Touch me like this. Most men have no idea I think."
"Most men are selfish in bed. I wanna make you feel good."
She turned her head around slightly to meet his eyes. "Then why don't you like to look at me when we have sex?"
His gaze snapped to the sheets. "Years of hooking up? It's also easier to get you off in this position."
"Are there any other positions you know where you can do this?"
"I don't wanna hurt the baby."
She shrugged.
"Don't look at me like that. We have a week together, right? I promise we'll experiment."
"You go from not caring about the baby to this? I don't get you."
Ben pulled out and turned her around to face him. "Of course I fucking care. I'm… I told you. This scares the shit out of me. How many times do I have to tell you? I don't do this. I never wanted a family."
I will not cry, I will not cry. "Then why are you still here if this is clearly not what you want?"
He pulled away to the edge of the bed and scrubbed his face. "You always misconstrue everything I say!"
"All you've done since I've fallen pregnant is tell me how much you don't want this."
"Fuck! I left because I thought you'd taken the pill! But that was a goddamn lie. You didn't actually take it until after I left, yeah?" He stood up, put on his boxers. "For the record, you're right. I was probably gonna ask you not to take it. Who the fuck knows why."
"Where are you going?"
"I need a cigarette. I haven't smoked since I left Tokyo. You asked me to cut back, and I have."
Desperate, she clung to his arm. "Please don't go. I'm sorry. It's been a hard day. I was so worried about seeing you again and the ultrasound and..." She choked.
He answered with a shake of his head, smirking.
"I want to have a bath," Rey forced out, wiping her eyes. "Join me?"
"Isn't that bad for the baby?"
"I'm not allowed to have it as hot as I'd like, but no, I'm allowed to bathe. Please just don't go."
"You don't fucking get it, do you?" He took her into his arms and kissed her head. "How many times do I have to tell you that too? I'm not going anywhere."
Rey wasn't so sure. He told her over and over again he was with her, here for her and their son, but his eyes were far away. When she woke the next morning, he was, of course, already up, breakfast on the table.
Over buttered toast, Rey messaged Leia to tell her the baby's sex.
Rey Jackson
So guess what? We're having a boy. Congratulations, grandma. ;)
Leia's response was almost instantaneous.
Leia Solo
I'm SO happy for you both. Boys are a lot of fun. How is Ben taking the news?
Rey didn't answer her question, a sick feeling in the bottom of her stomach. Ben was across from her, staying like he'd promised, but not much else. His eyes were distant, unfocused. It continued when they changed planes in Tokyo and the rest of the way to Sapporo.
"When we land," he began when they were three hours into their flight. "We have to keep our distance when we're out in public, okay? I haven't told Alexander about the baby, and I don't want anyone finding out we're together until the mess with the contracts has been sorted out."
"Won't he find out anyway? I look pregnant now."
"Do you have anything you can put on? A sweater? A coat?"
"It's summer, Ben, and I'm already uncomfortable enough with your kid inside of me."
Rey had avoided the subject for the past seven weeks apart, and so had he. But the reality of their situation couldn't be denied much longer. If they wanted to continue their relationship, one of them would have to quit. One would have to sacrifice their career for the other. It made Rey pick at her fingernails the entire flight.
They landed late into the night and went to their separate hotel rooms. Rey wanted to cry as she tried to sleep without him. He was in the same hotel, a room a floor above her, and she couldn't be with him. Had his wish for different rooms really been to keep Alexander from finding out or to be away from her for a while? And why couldn't he sleep with her? He could leave in the morning. She'd pointed this out to him, but he disagreed.
The distant expression didn't change. Rey woke early and got dressed. No breakfast waiting for her. No knock. No Ben either. Her head hurt, her eyes throbbed. What were they going to do? They had two days of this conference.
"Are you alright?" Amilyn asked, sitting down next to Rey.
"Why is everyone always asking me if I'm alright?" Rey growled. "I'm fine."
Amilyn lowered her voice. "How's the baby?"
Rey looked at her stomach, then at Ben who was four rows down to her left. She'd tried her best to cover up the bump with a light shrug sweater, but it was noticeable if someone really peered at it. No doubt Alexander would see it and realize she was pregnant. But maybe he wouldn't immediately suspect it was Ben's.
"Completely healthy and a boy." Rey was sure Leia had told Amilyn about her predicament, which would explain Amilyn's lack of shock at seeing her pregnant.
"Should I say congratulations?"
"Yes, you can. I'm keeping him."
Amilyn turned the conversation to business, explaining that most of the first day would be introductions into each of the companies and presenting on what they offered. Some were into both private and public markets in Hokkaido. First English itself was one, its reach spreading into eikaiwas—private English schools—too.
Kaydel and Poe arrived, coffees in hand.
"Rey!" Kaydel exclaimed, throwing her arms around Rey. "How have you been holding up? I heard your news! Congratulations."
Rey gave her the usual run-down about the baby, the appointments, finding out it was a boy. Then she caught sight of him.
No hair. Thin, grey eyebrows. Alexander. Rey tried to continue her conversation with Kaydel, took her usual breaths, and covered her stomach with her cardigan.
But she couldn't hide the baby when she stood up and presented. A smirk creeped onto Alexander's shrewd face, eyes darting between her and Ben. Rey ignored him and put on the biggest smile she could without looking fake, flying through her presentation slides. Laughing at the right time. Making jokes at the right time. Each word calculated.
All the while she knew, completely knew Alexander would confront her. That moment came around 5 P.M. when Rey was leaving.
"Rey? A moment to speak?" Alexander asked, right outside of the conference room.
Rey looked around for Ben, but he wasn't there. "I'd really rather not, thank you."
Glancing over her shoulder, she walked as fast as she could without getting overworked and made sure he wasn't following her. She'd already told Amilyn, Poe, and Kaydel she wouldn't be attending the after-party tonight, and none of them protested. Looks of pity. That's what they'd given her—their brows knitted together. And Ben? Ben hadn't once glanced in her direction the entire day. She'd attempted to catch his eye a few times, but he'd seemed to be thinking hard, a hand pressed to his forehead.
Rey dropped onto the hotel bed and sobbed into the pillow. He didn't come to see her that night, though he did send a text around 9 P.M. when she was drifting off.
Kylo Ren
Only one more day of this. Busy with work and Alexander. He knows about the baby.
She didn't answer it. What could she say? Ben had been a fool to think Alexander wouldn't figure it out. And she had this throbbing in her stomach that lingered. Something bad was going to happen. It had been there the past two days in Ben's eyes. No matter what he said about not leaving, it was there. The distance in his gaze. The way he stared at the baby—like an unwanted, inconvenient thing.
Rey cradled her stomach. "I don't care if your father doesn't want you," she told him, rubbing the skin back and forth. "I do. You're already so loved."
Afterward, she called Leia crying, voice raspy. "What sh-should I do? He hasn't acknowledged me since we arrived. I feel like he's going to tell me he wants to break up. That or drop off completely again, and I can't take it."
Leia whispered words of comfort, then said, "He has to be very careful. Mara told me she explained to you how much trouble he could get into with Alexander. You're also pregnant, jet-lagged, and exhausted. You should try to sleep. Amilyn says you did amazing with the presentation today."
Her words didn't help when the one person's voice she wanted to hear wasn't picking up his phone. It went to voicemail, no answer.
Rey Jackson
So is that it? Are we done?
Kylo Ren
No. Can't talk right now. Need to sort my head out. Don't worry. Everything is fine.
Rey Jackson
I love you.
No response. Rey slammed her phone onto the nightstand and cried herself to sleep.
The next day, the same shit. By noon, she was in the bathroom sobbing again. This went deeper than Ben being worried about his contract. It was normal to greet a rival ambassador, normal to show them the slightest bit of attention. Everyone else did it. Not Ben. And it became clear to everyone at Rey's table. Kaydel had made a comment about Ben not being engaged in the conference; a comment that sent Rey running to the bathroom after they breaked.
"Rey? Are you in here?" came Amilyn's voice. "A few high school teachers will be giving presentations upstairs. We're about to start."
"Thank you. I'll be done in a second."
Amilyn was waiting for her outside the bathroom door. "Do you want to go back to the hotel? We can handle it from here. It's only watching presentations. You aren't needed to do anything today."
"I'm fine. Can everyone stop worrying about me, please?"
Amilyn crossed her arms, tilted her head to the side, earrings swinging. "I know this is none of my business, but he's the father isn't he?"
"Why does everyone know my business?"
"I'm not trying to interfere, but you're having a child with one of the most disliked men in our company. And we all noticed how he looked at you in Tokyo and Kyoto to now. If you want to talk, I'm here, but I think you should go back to the hotel and get some rest."
"No, I'm fine. I can do this."
Amilyn touched her arm. "When Leia told me you were pregnant, I advised her not to send you. The jetlag and the stress. It's not good for you. She said you insisted."
"It's my job. I want to work."
"And you're amazing. The boards were happy with your presentation yesterday, and they've been enjoying hearing about the different companies and teaching style methods. Please don't feel pressured to stay."
"I want to. It's a distraction from this mess."
Amilyn conceded, and they made their way upstairs. With a pang, Rey noticed Ben wasn't there. He was likely in another part of the conference listening in on the elementary school or junior high school presentations.
Rey trudged through the rest of the day, dazed. No sign of Ben. Would they still be going to Kyoto together? They were supposed to fly out in the morning. She didn't attend an after party again, instead excusing herself and heading back to her hotel room where she lay on the bed, trying not to cry.
A knock. Her heart raced, brain running away with thoughts of him. She checked her appearance in the mirror, took a breath, and opened the door. "What do you want?" she demanded, looking at the blank wall behind him. Yet, she noticed the shadows underneath his eyes, the slightly sunken in cheeks—like he hadn't been sleeping or eating.
"Hey. I'm sorry for the past few days." He stuck his hands in his pockets, eyes locked on hers. "But can you put on something nice? We need to talk."
Ben hailed a taxi and took her to a tempura restaurant on the other side of Sapporo. Picking at her fingernails, Rey didn't mention how he'd ignored her the past two days or how much his distance had made her cry. What good would it do? It would start another fight.
He was probably going to break up with her now. Tell her there was someone else, that it had all been a mistake and he really didn't want her or to be a father. And seeming to confirm that suspicion, he didn't touch her and barely looked in her direction.
In the taxi, silence consumed them. Rey wanted to scream, cry, shout, anything to get him to notice what he was doing to her.
He didn't. Another nice restaurant, hair and suit crisp, but they might as well have been strangers, not two people about to share a child in five months.
It was her that finally spoke as they were waiting for the hostess. "Did you make reservations?"
"Of course. I called a month in advance."
A month in advance, but had forgotten to mention it to her.
More silence on the way to their table. He ordered a glass of whiskey, neat, and Rey struggled to mask her disappointment. He'd promised to cut back, but here he was, tumbler pressed to his lips.
The meal passed with little said other than superficial matters. He ordered another drink, talked about business, the conference, how the next few months would be getting busier now that First English was seeking to expand more into the private eikaiwa market. All this meant more work for him. More being away from each other. He didn't have to say it. She knew.
Rey picked at her half-eaten tempura meal, feeling sick.
"Alexander wants to focus on Sapporo and Tokyo. There are a few investors very interested in those are—"
"For fuck's sake!" Rey blurted out in a half-whispered tone, throwing her napkin onto the table. "You wanted to talk. Get it over with."
"I am talking to you. I have a point to all of this."
Her eyes pricked; the tears came. "Go on, get it over with. You want to break up, I know. Just do it. Stop bloody dragging it out, and do it. Say it."
"You think I'm going to break up with you? Rey, I told you. I'm not going anywhere." He looked at her then, really looked at her in a way he hadn't the past three days. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and stroked her fingers.
"You've ignored me the entire conference. You didn't come to say hello. Not once. I cried all night."
Ben massaged his eyes. "I told you not to worry. Fuck… I don't know how to say this."
"I don't understand."
He froze, gritted his teeth.
"What? You're scaring me. Do you want me to get an abortion or something? Is there a problem with Alexander? What?"
Ben reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a red box. Rotated it in his fingers. Once, twice, a third time. He stood up and walked to her side of the table. One knee. He was bending down on one knee.
Rey couldn't breathe, think. The tears refused to cease. They rolled and rolled down her cheeks, permanent, unyielding.
The distance, the look in his eyes when they'd found out it was a boy. It was the same expression, but softer somehow. She wasn't ready. He wasn't ready. What would she say? What would she d—
He presented the open box, grasped her hand, then whispered those two little words, "Marry me."
Author's Notes
Thank you very much.
Shout out to you, Bex, for being the world's best beta. I love all of your suggestions and ideas. Your critiques truly enrich this story and make it sing. Thank you so much.
So I don't really have any music inspiration for this chapter... just my usual. But I really like the acoustic version of "Wasteland" by EarlyRise. The lyrics are lovely.
Thank you again, and see you in the comments or during the next update!