My apologies for the long wait between updates. I am currently working on several other projects and my first novel is nearing completion, so there will be some delays updating my fan fics. I do have a live journal account (see profile for link) which uses the same screen name I use here. From time to time, I will be posting additional information and life updates there. I do not abandon fics, so this will be completed eventually.
I'd like to thank everyone whose reviewed, alerted, and/or favorited this story. Your overwhelming response rate is truly heartwarming.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and no one pays me to write this.
Author's Note: The following piece deals with appropriate sexual conduct and is intended to be both serious and humorous. Thanks to Mew Somomo for the inspiration!
Sexual Conduct
By Konan
Edited by Itachi
Edited by Konan
Revisions by Madara
Many within the organization feel that a sexual harassment policy is unnecessary. As the only female in the organization, I strenuously disagree with their position. In my experience, the members who most vocally dispute the need for this policy are the primary reason why we need one.
Due to recent events concerning Orochimaru's abrupt departure from the organization, several clarifications are in order. The worldwide legal age of consent is 16 for males and females. That age does apply to Akatsuki members. As a representative of this organization, you are expected to conduct yourself properly. When in doubt, ask your prospective sexual partner how old they are. If a member or any other party is under age, they cannot consent to any form of sexual contact. Remember boys! Trust, but verify. A wonder bra and some makeup can make a girl look older than she really is. Ask to see ID. Hint: If you picked her up at her parents home and they made you promise to have her home by 10, she's not legal.
First offense: Minimum 30 days imprisonment (may be suspended).
Second offense: Minimum 20 lashes, 60 days imprisonment, 6 months as target practice.
Third offense: Minimum 40 lashes, Pedophile tattoo, 90 days imprisonment, 1 year as target for target practice.
Fourth offense: Appropriate medical surgery.
All cases involving members will be brought before our committee for judgment. Currently, the committee comprises myself, Madara Uchiha, Zetsu, Konan, and Itachi Uchiha. Our general assumption is that the first time you may have legitimate reasons for thinking a fifteen-year-old was sixteen, and we will listen to those reasons. After that point, you either prefer children or are just plain stupid.
Rules and Penalties (Penalties are indicated by bold font.):
1) A member's butt is their personal property. Keep your hands off. All members are authorized to break whatever arm the hand is attached to.
2) Do not grope another member without his or her explicit permission. If the incident is minor, you may deliver a minor beating. Aside from that, deal with it however you prefer, but both members must be alive and capable of executing missions afterward.
3) No pickup lines in the hideout. The member who used the pickup line is required to wash all dishes and clean the kitchen after every meal for a period of not less than 1 week, but not more than 3 weeks at the discretion of the committee.The best part… between Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame I haven't had dish duty in three years.
4) Do not under any circumstances imply that a member is less capable than another member solely on the basis of gender. A woman can do anything a man can do and look better doing it. I can and will make you look like an idiot! Expect it. That's a nice theory, Konan. I can do many things you can't and will always look better. You don't count. You're a he-she! Enough! If you two really want to have a who's prettier contest, enter a beauty pageant on your time, not mine! Better yet, ask the magic mirror. (On second thought, scratch the last. It's recently come to my attention that Itachi and Konan are both spending inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom primping.)
5) Physical contact between members must be consensual. Consult committee for appropriate punishment. Translation: Do not hug, high five, etc. any member without his or her explicit approval. Kisame, this includes noogies. Please refrain from pulling me underneath your arm and rubbing your knuckles in my hair. I am not your little brother, nor do I want to be. One brother in my life is enough. In the future, please refrain from all displays of brotherly affection. Itachi, this actually refers to physical contact of a sexual nature, not brotherly displays of affection. Your argument would only be valid of Kisame's gate swung the other way and it doesn't. Itachi, Konan's assessment is correct; however, I see your point about hugging and high fives. Those should be kept to an absolute minimum. As for Kisame, he's only doing that to irritate you. Obviously, it's working.
6) All sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties must be consensual. This means all parties must consent. Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution.
7) Sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties is only permitted if both parties are of legal age and physical maturity for said contact. Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution.
In the case of Orochimaru vs. Itachi Uchiha, the committee found as follows:
"As an underage minor, Itachi Uchiha was well within his rights to protect his person, and while the loss of an arm is regrettable, it was entirely appropriate given the circumstances."
Recently, questions have arisen due to this and several other legal age matters. Please see the second paragraph for appropriate guidance. When in doubt, keep it in your pants.
8) The above rules also apply to contact between members and non-members.
Sexual Harassment Watch List
Directions: Post in a prominent place in all hideouts.
Offenders:
Orochimaru - 2 proven cases of sexual contact with a minor; 10 pending pedophilia charges in Fire; 10 pending rape charges in Fire; 1 pending rape charge in Rain After due consideration, Orochimaru is banned from the main Rain Akatsuki base until further notice.
Hidan - 10 proven cases of groping; 25 bad pickup lines
Deidara - 5 pickup lines
Kisame - 8 pickup lines; 1 butt slap (already taken care of by Konan)
Madara Uchiha - sexist comments and archaic attitude towards women's rights. Girl, I am significantly older than you and occasionally, I live in the past. As I also happen to be significantly more powerful than you, live with it!
Karin - Multiple counts of unwanted physical contact and groping
Notice for Publication on All Advertising Materials:
In the event of a sexual assault and/or rape complaint or charges against a member, please contact either Konan at the main Rain Base where she also serves as Rain's Chief Administrator/Angel or Madara Uchiha. Appointments can be made with either of these individuals. In the event the victim is unable to travel, please send us a letter by courier and we will come to you. As a shinobi organization, we do not offer any form of compensation or hearing for unlawful death, murder, etc.
Recently, it has come to my attention that several members remain confused as to our official policy towards rape. Please refer to rules 6 and 7. If these are not explicit enough... Regardless of your individual status as an S-Class criminal, we are not now, nor will we ever be an organization of rapists. We are civilized beings and all members are expected to act in a civilized fashion. If you truly feel that such an act is necessary to acquire information, use genjutsu. It feels just as real to the victim without the possibility of poisoning and disease.
For those of you who simply prefer more violent activities, there are numerous houses of ill repute that will cater to your every desire. Seek your outlets there!
Most Recent Committee Ruling:
Hidan's Usage of Akatsuki Interrogation Facility for BDSM Activities (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism (i.e. really kinky stuff))
Summary: Konan and Zetsu brought a prisoner to the Akatsuki Interrogation Facility and inadvertently walked in on Hidan and his latest friend. After an extended inquiry including the usage of tsukuyomi, the committee was satisfied that the contact between Hidan and his friend was consensual; however, the usage of Akatsuki Facilities for this questionable activity remains an issue.
Conclusion: Akatsuki Facilities are only to be used by members for legitimate organization business and getting laid does not constitute legitimate organization business.
Penalty: As there was no previous discussion regarding this matter, there will be no penalty imposed. In the future, the committee will determine appropriate penalties on a case-by-case basis.