Chap 10: God Gifted Me with Three Legs

Christmas at the Burrow faded in a blur of photographs, bubbling tankards of butterbeer, the men's drunken rowdy singing of "Sirius's song" 'God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs' and second helpings of Mrs Weasley's melting Christmas pudding.

Then New Year's Eve quickly rolled around along with the '5, 4, 3, 2, 1…" and the eruption of fireworks and the pop of more champagne. Hermione was whisked away from the merriment of her family of gingers, women with bubble-gum pink/wild curly blonde hair and the odd friendly werewolf to be with Stanley. On a lit yacht. In the middle of the Thames.

Stanley had swung Hermione in a dramatic dance move and lowered her to the floor (in a very Prince Charming-like way) and kissed her full on the lips. New Year's Eve was the one time of year – for everyone - where a kiss was the taster of the relationship that was to come, in the same way a trailer was a teasing preview of the film to come. It promised new beginnings. New excitement, new love.

The following day Fred and George cornered her with playful waggling eyebrows and cheeky smirks and Hermione had somehow given into begging and gave them a thorough account of what happened. The roars of laughter still rang in her ears even now.

"The bloody absurdity of it all! Can he be more ridiculously over the top?" George snorted, wiping his eyes of tears (from laughing too much). He shook his head and groaned almost irritably. "A yacht for fuck's sake! How the heck are we going to win her over now Fred?"

"He's a healer and has the whole sex-bomb surfer-dude thing going on which clearly Hermione goes for and we're ginger and own a shop! We don't stand a chance Georgey!" Fred cried dramatically, and pushed his bottom lip out, looking to be on the verge of tears.

Hermione's eyes flashed and she rested her hands on her hips. "What rubbish! I do not go for sex bomb surfer dudes! …Or whatever you said," she added with a sniff and pushed out her jaw defiantly like she always did when proving a point.

She met up with Ron and Harry in a coffee shop and told them too, only to get more or less the same reaction.

"So the bloke had a hot air balloon on the first date and a yacht a week later? I don't know who's more mental – him or you for not escaping while you could!" Ron was chomping on a sausage roll and spraying her and Harry with crumbs. They were far too used to their best friend's eating manners to be revolted anymore.

Still, three months later after many, many dates in very swish places of London, Hermione knew it would be simply cruel to deny him any longer – it was coming up to two and half years now. Each day she arrived at work Jessica's (and all her other colleagues') first lines were: "have you accepted him yet?" She couldn't very well deny him any longer, and she didn't want to either. The man was a smooth talker, could make her smile, laugh and blush all at once. He even snuck up on her for quick cuddles in the corridors like they were teenagers again.

She'd be a liar if she said she didn't fancy him.

On 31th March, when she was five months pregnant to the day, it became official. Hermione and her boss were an item. Going out. Boyfriend and girlfriend. However you put it - they were together.

Fred and George rushed into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, fully aware that they were late for their monthly Order meeting and not caring in the slightest. They had news to spread. They burst into the room panting. At the loud interruption all members turned swiftly to look at them.

Arthur was standing at the head of the long table, shuffling a stack of papers in his hands and looking tired after a long day at the office. "Where have you been boys?" he asked, trying to frown deeply at his sons and pretend he was more annoyed that he actually was. They saw right through it and so did Molly, so she took over.

"What time do you call this? The meeting started fifteen minutes ago!" she screeched, advancing rapidly forward round the table with a scolding finger. Harry caught Ron visibly flinching at the ear splitting tone of his mother's voice and grinned easily.

The twins weren't unfazed by their mother in the slightest. Instead, they seemed to become more desperately excited and giddy as they looked on laughing at the other table occupants. "Has no one heard?" George gasped, bemused and thrilled all at once.

"Heard what?" Molly snapped.

Remus was looking at them with raised eyebrows of interest, as was Sirius as he stifled a yawn and leant back in his chair and Tonks, Bill, Fleur, Kingsley, Mundungus, and of course 'the kids' (who were no longer kids) Harry, Ron, Ginny and Luna. Hagrid and Aberforth both cocked their heads to show they were listening and probably smiling under their grizzly bushes of beards. 'Professor' Minerva McGonagall seemed somewhat amused as she eyed her two of her most troublesome students (and probably two of her favourite).

Fred couldn't hold it in any longer. "Hermione's going out with that healer git! Our Hermione!" he burst out. A silence fell over everyone and he met the stormy eyes of his mother and corrected himself hastily. "Er – I mean – Hermione's going out with that healer guy," he clarified with a nod.

"They're together?" Ron gasped. He looked horrified and quite sick.

"They have been dating for months Ron," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "It's not exactly surprising is it?"

"Well I didn't think she'd actually accept him," he mumbled. "He's completely barmy! Mental I'm telling you!"

"She dated you didn't she?" George said.

Everyone laughed and Ron went pink.

"Ronald Bilius Weasley! Stanley Helbert is Head Healer at St. Mungos!" Molly shrilled a reddish tinge to her cheeks. "He is certainly not barmy or mental! I have actually spoken to him on a few occasions. He is a very nice man," she added with a knowledgeable sniff.

"Handsome too," Tonks chipped in, smirking and steadfastly ignoring her husband's arched eyebrow.

Fred shook his head and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'pretty boy' under his breath.

"I bet she's so happy! I should go over and congratulate her. Where is she? Does anyone know?" Tonks asked, glancing at everyone. "She's never misses meetings." They all shrugged and looked at each other, just as curious as she was. She raised her eyebrows at Sirius when he remained silent. "She sends you letters doesn't she Sirius? Has she told you where she is?"

"Devon," he said, looking incredibly bored. "Didn't say why, didn't say who with."

"Er - she's with Stanley, staying in his country house," Harry spoke out and quickly dropped his eyes to the table when Sirius glanced at him. "She said everything was becoming a bit too much and she needed to get away for a bit and Stanley said she could stay for… as long as she liked…" he trailed off. His godfather crossed his arms, and he felt more uncomfortable by the second.

Ron nodded reassuringly at Sirius, "She promised she'd be back in about ten days for the check-up though. Five months along ay? Exciting time!" he smiled and said it like it somehow made everything okay. Like the fact that she was merely returning was a miracle. There were a few excited 'five months!'-'not long to go!' squeals and Harry stared at his godfather as his grey eyes clouded impossibly dark and unreadable.

"She's going to be back in ten days?" he asked them, though it wasn't a question, because he already knew the answer. He didn't say anything for ages, just shook his head and smiled widely, though it didn't reach his eyes; they were as menacing as ever. He abruptly stood and held out an empty hand to them. "Give me the muggle telephone number."

Ron stared at him as if he'd turned half man half rhinoceros. "The Felly what?" he spluttered, and his father rolled on the balls of his feet and beamed "Telephones Ron! They're the most fascinating objects-"

"The telephone number for the cottage," Sirius hissed with impatience. "She must have given you it, she wouldn't be stupid enough not to. What is it?" he clapped him on the cheek with his open palm and held out his hand again.

Ron winced at the smack and glanced at Harry looking completely clueless. "I have no idea what he's going on about mate, why would I have a fellyfone number for Stanley's cottage-!"

"Did she give one to you Harry?" Remus asked.

"Er – maybe, but I don't think so," Harry replied. "I mean – she doesn't usually leave the number." Sirius swore loudly and McGonagall didn't hesitate to swat him sharply on the arm. "I'll go and check," Harry told him, "I have the letter upstairs in my trunk somewhere." He dashed away, his thumping footsteps resounding throughout the house.

Sirius swore again, but this time under his breath. "I can't believe her," he seethed, biting his thumb nail as he paced up and down. "What if something happened to her or the baby and she couldn't get through to us? A load of death eaters could stroll in and kidnap her and torture her like they did before!"

"Christ Sirius will you calm down!" Tonks cried hysterically. "Stop and think about what you're saying! Firstly, thanks to Molly over here Bellatrix is dead and Arthur's told us today there are only about ten to twenty death eaters left in Britain. That's less five percent of Voldemort's followers before! And of all the places they could be why would they be in Devon?"

"BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE HERMIONE IS!" he yelled, his arms flaying furiously. "SHE'S A MUGGLEBORN AND THE BRAINS OF THE GOLDEN TRIO! SHE'S THEIR NUMBER ONE FUCKING TARGET-!"

"Sirius Black! Will you calm down!" Molly shrieked. Her temple was throbbing and she was as red as a beetroot.

"He does have a point Molly," Kingsley said in his deep voice of calm. "Draco told me at the ministry that he has heard word that Greyback still wants Hermione in every sense of the word."

There were a number of exchanged looks and held breaths in the room as they watched Sirius. He stood still and staring at Kingsley, his chest rising and falling with suppressed pants. "What did you just say?" he shook his head slightly, his rough voice barely louder than a whisper and filled with mounting dread.

Bill cleared his throat and took a step forward. "Er - in the last months of the War Fenrir's thirst for blood was truly horrific… he killed and ate numerous muggles and people who didn't support Voldemort and a few times in the last few months he tried to do the same to Hermione. Before Bellatrix tortured her Greyback asked if he could have her when she was finished. Said she was a tasty treat and that he would take care of her…" Sirius's stilled and paled. "And then," Bill continued, "he tried to – er… force himself on her."

Sirius didn't say a word and, before anyone could stop him, he was dodging and shoving his way around the table and out into the hall.

Bill followed hastily after him. "He didn't actually do it Sirius, Hermione managed to fight him off-"

"HARRY!" he bellowed up the stairs. "BRING ME THAT NUMBER NOW!" he turned away, his jaw clenching. "If she hasn't given it to him I'm going to kill her," he told them.

"How charming," McGonagall quipped.

Sirius buried his face in his hands. He was trembling. Remus leant in to whisper in his ear. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you before. We thought it'd be best if she told you. I suppose that now the war is over she didn't think you needed to know." He squeezed his shoulder in apology. Sirius ignored him and glared up at the stairs again.

"HARRY!"

"I've got it, I've got it!" came his voice. He raced down the stairs with the long letter in his hand and the phone number on the bottom of it. "'017085635182," he read out, squinting. "But she - she said only to ring it in emergencies."

Sirius clapped his godson on the back in thanks and rushed to the telephone on the wall, everyone watching him as he stabbed in the numbers. "She's going to be furious at you you know," Harry said quietly.

Sirius smiled to one side of his mouth and chuckled lowly. "She's always furious at me." He drummed his tattooed fingers against the walls manically and growled. "Pick up the bloody phone woman!"

In Devon Hermione was curled up on the fluffy king sized bed reading 'Bonjour Tristesse' a French novel she had been engrossed in for hours. Stanley was fast asleep and lightly breathing behind her, his cool mint breath was blowing against her cheekbone. After yawning for a third time in a minute, she decided enough was enough for one day and closed the book and left it against her belly as she snuggled into Stanley's body.

She had been asleep for about half an hour when the phone rang from her bedside table. Stanley didn't even stir.

Squinting, she blindly reached for the receiver. Once she gripped it she flopped back down onto Stanley's chest and brought the phone to her ear. Her eyes fluttered closed and she fought off a monster yawn. "H-h-hello?"

"Peu tôt pour dormir n'est-ce pas?"

Hermione knew his voice straight away, opened one eye and shut it again after she told herself that it simply couldn't be. "Who is this? I've been reading French all day," she muttered, letting out a very un-Hermione like giggle. "But Bonjour, je sais mais je suis tellement fatigué!"

"Je m'appelle Sirius, comment te'appelles tu?"

Hermione smiled and shook her head at his annoying ways. "Je m'appelle Hermione," she said, "-and I'm sleeping. But it's lovely to finally speak to a French man Sirius. I know a man who can speak the language but he's not very good. Coincidentally he has the same name as you, how odd-"

She heard him bark a laugh and growl at the same time. "Very odd. And it's even odder that he wants you to come home."

She switched phone ears so she could lie down, close her eyes and talk at the same time. She just forgot the talking part.

"Hermione, did you hear what I said?" Sirius voice was soft, like somehow, without being with her, he knew she was on the verge of sleep. She nodded and remembered that he couldn't see her.

"Yes," she mumbled. "I'll be home in… ten – ten days," she yawned again and she heard him sigh.

"That's too long."

"Why?" her voice was small. She absently twizzled the chord around her finger and marvelled at how soft the sheets felt under her toes.

In Grimmauld Place kitchen Sirius looked consciously over his shoulder and saw that the majority – if not all - of the Order were listening to the phone call, probably wondering if a shouting match was on the cards. "You know why," he told her, turning his back to them. "I'll be worrying," he murmured quietly.

"Don't you trust me enough to know that I'll be okay?"

"It's not about trusting you, it's about everyone else. You put yourself in danger all the time and you don't even realise you're doing it." His voice was low and quiet but kept rising louder the more he tried to make her see… make her understand.

"You can't blame me when you're exactly the same," she grumbled. "You're the one who died remember?" she rubbed her eyes and yawned again. She was so tired that words slipped out of her mouth in the same moment they rolled through her mind. She didn't know how insensitive she was being.

"Yes, well I don't have an insane werewolf after me wanting my blood and body-!" he stopped himself and she inhaled sharply, the sound crackling the receiver. "How did you know about that?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She sighed. "The war brings back bad memories. It's in the past, please leave it there Sirius." The gentle whispering of her stirred something inside him and all he wanted to do was hold her.

"I'm sorry," he said, staring the kettle on the counter as he tried to think of the right words to say. "It just – I'm… I'm paranoid something's going to happen. You never take a break, you're always working long shifts five days a week and exhausting yourself and you're – you've got another person growing inside you…"

"I know Sirius, I know," she groaned, voice thick with grogginess, "that's why I'm here. I'm taking a break, I'm having some 'me' time! You should be happy!"

"I would be if you actually have 'me' time but you're not alone are you? You're with some twat – sorry – your boyfriend… beg your pardon…" She said nothing but remained in icy silence and he dropped the subject before she dropped the phone. "Okay, forget that," he rushed. "Please come home Hermione." his voice was low, pleading and slightly hopeful and she sighed again loud enough for him to hear. "It was torture last time not hearing a word for four days. Ten is..." he didn't even finish. "Look, I'm skilled with foot massages, I can cook alright…"

"You bloody liar," Remus chortled from the table behind.

Sirius pointedly ignored him. "I can work the coffee machine! Do you know how confusing that thing is?" he exclaimed defensively. The room occupants laughed, and Hermione chuckled sleepily and muttered a 'well done'. Maybe he was milking it, he didn't care. He held tighter onto the receiver. "Come home. Please."

Hermione rolled her eyes and buried her head into her pillow, hating how he was trying to persuade her, be nice to her. She wished he didn't, because it made her feel guilty for rejecting him.

"No Sirius, I want to stay here. I'll be fine here." He didn't say anything but it was obvious he didn't believe her. She could imagine him now, clenching his jaw, his eyes unreadable and menacing. "Stanley will look after me."

She cut herself off abruptly, the words she was about to say totally slipping from her mind.

"Oh my… was that-?" she bolted upright and flattened her palms on her belly, the phone dropping to the bed. She stared at the bump, her eyes growing wider with every passing second until she was glowing with excitement. She snatched up the receiver and rested it against her ear. "SIRIUS! THE BABY!" The tears flowed just as she expected they would. "THE BABY JUST KICKED!"

"Wh-what? Are you sure?" his voice was higher than a six year old girl's, and Hermione shrieked with laughter and bounced up and down. "YES!" she cried. "The little thing's kicking away!" All the alcohol in the world couldn't make her as giddy as she was now.

She heard Sirius laugh, swear, roar and even scream like a six year old girl at one point. It wasn't like him at all, and it was lovely to hear. "Right woman, I'm coming to get you either bloody way, but I'll tell you one more time," he growled. "Get - the fuck – home - now!"

She left a note for Stanley and stepped into Grimmauld Place an hour later.

At the sound of the door closing Sirius ran out into the hallway and stopped dead a metre away from her. He was panting slightly, and his eyes were unnaturally bright. Hermione got the feeling that if he was in dog form his tail would be wagging. She smiled and gestured to herself.

"I came."

His lips twitched and he returned the smile. "You did. Thank you."

She took a step forward, and he watched her silently as she held out her hand. "How do you do?" She didn't know how to greet him, and how much more polite could you get than a handshake? Stifled laughs broke the silence behind them. She could hear Molly telling Arthur that she had never seen a situation quite like it and Ron hissing at Ginny to shut up while sniggering uncontrollably himself.

Sirius glanced down at her outstretched hand and back up to her eyes again, his expression fathomless and unreadable. Another pause and a low throaty chuckle escaped him. "Hermione, I'm not going to shake your hand."

He looked amused – as did everyone. Stiffening she withdrew and tucked a wayward curl behind her ear. "Well that was very rude of you," she informed him.

He barked a laugh and stepped forward with his arms out wide. "Well, I have a suggestion. How about we hug? You know you can't turn down a hug." He pulled teasingly on her elbow and smirked at her obvious reluctance. "Oho, I'm the rude one am I?"

She shook her head and laughed at the same time, "I'm not being rude-!" she retorted exasperatedly. He still smirked and she buttoned her lips with a little huff. "I preferred you French."

He grinned and leant in tantalisingly close to her ear and whispered. "Well I prefer you in frilly French knickers, but we can't always get what we want." Her mouth dropped and she stared up at him, her throat drying, her cheeks flushing; she was too embarrassed for words. "Now," he continued, rubbing his hands together and looking like he was thoroughly enjoying himself. "The rules of this hug are that you are not allowed to kick, elbow, pinch, punch, smack, slap, whack or hit me at all."

More laughing followed.

She bit down hard on her lip and nodded. "Okay. Are head butts allowed?" her voice was sweet and dripping with sarcasm. More laughing - particularly from Tonks, Ginny and Luna. She smiled at them and mouthed 'I'll be one minute!'

"Is he still shagging that Maria girl?" Tonks murmured in her husband's ear.

He turned to look at her with a grin and twinkle in his eye. He didn't even have to nod. "And someone else called Jessica. He was with her last night."

Tonks groaned and tutted disapprovingly as he watched the man in question pull Hermione in for a hug and then unexpectedly sweep her up off the floor, twirling her around as she squealed. "SIRIUS! Sirius! Put – me – down!" she couldn't keep a straight enough face for him to actually do it.

"You'd have thought he would've learnt the consequences of sleeping around recklessly. We don't want him to be getting every woman pregnant."

They both observed their two friends. Hermione had her hand to her mouth trying to stifle laughter as Sirius made a scene of clutching his ear and swearing rapidly. He strode up to his best mate, his chest rising and falling and pointing angrily to his ear. "She bloody bit me!" he panted, outraged.

Hermione's voice was heard from behind him, just audible above all the laughing. "You didn't say no biting!"

Four hours later and the night had taken a very strange turn indeed, one that, it was safe to say, no one could have anticipated. Ever.

Minerva and Molly who apparently turned into a pair of partners in crime when they were together - hobbled off to the kitchen arm in arm chatting away and came back fifteen minutes later, loudly demanding The Sex Pistols to be played on the record player and pulling each other to ground in stitches of laughter. Not a soul had seen either woman quite so jolly in years, let alone on the same night.

And then because their mother was so drunk she was off her rocker (she had kicked her shoes off and started dancing a raunchy tango with Minerva in the middle of the room), Fred and George automatically saw it perfectly okay to follow suite. They fetched shots for Harry and Ron, a bottle of whisky for Sirius, a bottle of wine for Remus, sherry for Tonks and a cocktail for Ginny and Luna (and all of the above for themselves), whilst Hermione had the great pleasure of sitting back, sipping a cup of tea and watching the crazy night unfold.

"Sexiest body has got to be Stanley," Tonks declared, holding up her sixth- something glass of brown liquid and throwing her head to the ceiling, as if settling the matter.

The girls were all sprawled on the leather sofa, lying on top of each other and drunkenly chatting amongst themselves as music blasted out from the men's side of the room. So far they had covered a great deal of topics. All were sex-related.

"Tonks!" Hermione yelped, almost choking on her cuppa. "When have you seen my boyfriend's body?" she laughed as she said it but really she genuinely wanted to know.

"I haven't but you can just tell that he's got the gorgeous abs, six pack, biceps, big cock-"

Hermione really did spit out her tea and they all broke out into throaty giggles. "Tonks!" The older woman just responded with an innocent: "What?"

"Whose cock is bigger out of Stanley's and Sirius's?" Ginny asked, peering up at her with intrigue as she sucked on her cocktail straw.

Hermione squeaked and lowered the cup of tea to the floor, knowing with these crude questions it was going to end up splashed on the floor anyway after she spat it all out. She pushed her hair out of her eyes and set them with a pointed look. "I haven't seen Stanley's, because I haven't-" she waved her hands. "You know!"

"Just say it sweetheart!" Tonks bawled, "You haven't shagged him." She downed the rest of her drink and looked at her appraisingly.

Hermione blinked in surprise, finding it hard to take her seriously.

Ginny squeezed her thigh and winked at her. "You haven't done the bed boogie."

"He hasn't entered your forbidden forest," Luna told her knowingly, always the misty, Irish voice of summary and conclusion. They all met each other's eyes for a split second before shrieking and rolling about with giggles.

"So how big is Sirius's cock in inches?" Ginny asked again, "I've always thought he would be well-endowed…" she waggled her eyebrows and Tonks immediately clapped her hands over her ears, screaming something that sounded a lot like 'Hello! He's my COUSIN!'

Hermione bit her lip sheepishly and glanced across the room at the man. He was leaning with one hand on the wall and swigging generously from his bottle as he watched Harry dancing so badly that he tripped over his own feet and landed face down on the floor. She smiled when she watched him slap his knee and throw his head high, shaking and barking with laughter.

Still chuckling he casually looked over to her, presumably wondering if she had seen Harry's classic 'banana skin' fall. She met his eyes and quickly bowed her head. Sirius crossed the room and stood in front of the sofa occupied with highly intoxicated women with Hermione squished at the end.

"Oi Ginny," he shouted over the music. "Can you budge over so I can sit next to my damsel in distress?" he indicated to the space between them.

Ginny ignored him and addressed Hermione sniggering. "I dare you to ask him how big it is! Ask him! Ask him!"

Hermione flatly refused.

Sirius fell to his knees and shuffled towards them, his forearms resting on the tops of Hermione's legs. Hermione eyed him suspiciously and smiled innocently at her. "What did you want to ask me love?"

She set him with a withering look before sighing. "They're asking about how big your..." she cleared her throat and steadfastly avoided his gaze. "Your…" she turned, temper rising, to Ginny. "This is ridiculous! We're supposed to be adults!" Ginny merely grinned and she huffed. "Fine, I might as well say it now. Sirius, they want to know how big your - your-" she quickly flicked her eyes down and back up again, blushing furiously. "-is."

He let out an almighty gasp, feigning taken-aback. "Naughty girls!" he eyed them incredulously before turning and grinning at Hermione. "Well it's been inside you, why don't you tell them?" She was too reeling to speak and he turned chuckling to the others. "Let's just say God gifted me with three legs."

At twelve o'clock Ginny and Luna went to do more shots with the boys and Tonks was dragged away by Remus to the dance floor, where he had been dancing with Molly and Minerva for the past two hours. That left a sleepy Teddy tucked between Hermione and Sirius on the sofa.

Sirius had now finished his bottle of whisky, and was more drunk than Hermione had ever seen him. She'd learnt that his natural drunken behaviour did not only consist of aggressiveness like that time at the pub; now he looked at her, and stared at her continually.

He didn't know when to stop, but the worst was that he didn't seem to know he was even doing it. Hermione clenched her jaw as she felt his eyes flicker over her face, drop downwards and linger on her body, admiring every curve, for the third time.

"For the record," he murmured against her hair, "I regard that night we spent together as the greatest sex I've ever had."

She gasped and peeked an eye open. "No…!"

Sirius smirked and she let out a breathy laugh at the absurdity of it all. "I think we need to sober you up, Mr. Black. You wouldn't say such things if you hadn't have drunk so much..."

He flopped his head back against the sofa, exposing the light stubble on his jaw line and neck and let out a low, throaty chuckle. "You don't know me at all Miss Granger."

His silver eyes danced as he watched her nibble on her lip timidly, her cheeks rose from blushing. He scanned his eyes slowly down her body and back up again, shaking his head in the slightest of movements. "You don't even know do you?"

He stroked two fingers over her cheekbone, down and under her neck. The softness of her skin awed him. Tracing her throat he felt her swallow and then her endless eyes were open and on him.

"Know what?"

He was gazing at her lips, and the time seemed to slow down; when it sped up again he was kissing her, and she was kissing him right back.

Her eyes fell shut at the feel of him, at the memories that flooded back into her. It was like morning sunshine breaking through the curtains. He was slowly intertwining their fingers, groaning into her mouth as her fingers curled around the fabric of the sofa beneath them. A fiery swipe of his tongue and she realised.

Blind panic overtook her and she turned and broke away from him, pushed him back, pushed them apart.

But he came surging back.

His lips sunk down her neck, kissing and sucking and leaving her skin red and stinging as if she'd never rejected him; his breath was hot, heavy and familiar and making a cloud of mist descend over her eyes. Before she knew it his hands tattooed were kneading her breasts.

He nipped at her neck. "Your tits have got bigger haven't they? The cleavage…" she felt his large hand squeeze the underside of her breast and he breathed out shakily. "I'm jealous of our baby if they get to suck on them and I don't-" her breath caught in her throat at his crude comment, but goose bumps scattered all over her neck all the same.

"Sirius-"

"And your arse, your long smooth legs and this…" a low hiss and he slid his hand to rest on her baby bump, shaking his head dazedly. He rose up to look at her. "You're the sexiest, most gorgeous-"

She shook her head fast, pushing her hands firmly against his chest. "Stop it Sirius! You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying-!"

He was slurring his words and holding her tighter the more she pushed him away. "You turn me on more than anyone... When I'm shagging other women you are all I think about-"

"Sirius!"

"Auntie Mione?"

Little Teddy poked his head up, his purple hair sleep tousled. He leant against her, innocently unaware of how much he had startled both of the adults either side of him. He was so quiet they had totally forgotten he was there - or Sirius had anyway. His eyes were menacingly dark and transfixed on her, never moving away, not even once.

"Yes darling?" she answered shakily.

She stroked Teddy's hair and tried with everything she could to turn her attention on him, and to ignore his hot ragged breath on her collar bone.

"Why have you got a big bump on your tummy?" he asked, examining it with fascination. "It looks like a hill! Did Uncle Sirius hurt you?"

"Yes, with his third leg," she informed the boy, pursing her lips together as she glanced at Sirius.

He let out a low throaty chuckle and kissed her temple. "Damn right," he whispered in her ear. "Me and your Auntie Mione are having a baby Teds," he told him with a grin, though he was still focussed on her, still gazing at her lips.

She had to stop this; she turned hastily away again. Teddy was tugging on her hand (the one that Sirius hadn't got a hold of), and was bobbing up and down excitedly.

"Are you going to get married?"

She was quick to reply. "No. Never."

Sirius said nothing; his mind was somewhere else altogether. His eyes were down, watching his hand slide unabashedly up her bare inner thigh. His fingers, horrifically, were nearly brushing her centre and it was now she saw his erection, straining and bulging in his pants.

Hermione's eyes flashed and she snatched onto his hand, and wrenched it away.

"We are not doing this again!"

He whimpered into her neck, nuzzling her softly.

"Merlin knows I want you. Don't you see 'Mione? I want you more every time I lay my fucking eyes on you." His eyes were suddenly angry, fierce, filled with drunken wildness and he pulled back to meet hers longingly; she couldn't tear away. "It's you who I wank my dick over, and it's you that makes me cum - you, fucking you. Feel how much I want you, feel how hard- how much I love-"

He gripped her hand and started to guide it to his crotch. Hermione squeaked in mortification before wrestling his arms off of her and leaping up. He was too far gone to resist her and his body slumped against the sofa, his eyes fluttered shut.

"You kill me..."

She seized Teddy under the arms and lifted him up. He was too drunk to stand, and too drunk to follow after her; people were too plastered to see that she had disappeared, and Sirius...

When she looked back over her shoulder, he had passed out on the sofa, all but dead to the world.

Sirius's announcement that God had gifted him with three legs. Hmm yes I can imagine. Sirius in general.*Promptly faints*