CHAPTER TEN

Nothing was heard from Embry for the rest of the week. Since his Mom had said he was in Seattle staying with his aunt, we couldn't very well say anything to Charlie Swan because the first person he would speak to was Tiffany Call and she would tell him the same as she told us. But by Friday night Quil was as worried as I was about his absence. I had barely eaten or slept all week and Dad had begun to worry about me too. I tried to make out I didn't want to eat because my stomach was upset and I guess I looked sick enough to carry it off because he suggested I stay home from school, but I didn't want to just stay home and think. At least while I was at school I had Quil to talk to and other things to keep my mind occupied, although it was pretty difficult to concentrate on lessons when all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my voice.

On Saturday Dad wanted to go into Forks to see Charlie and I was glad of a chance to spend some time with Bella. I made Quil promise to call me if he heard anything about Embry and then I hung out in Bella's room all day while Dad and Charlie gossiped and watched a ball game on television like they always did.

Bella was just as miserable as the last time I had seen her, pining for Edward and apparently having terrible nightmares every night where she would wake up screaming, worrying her Dad and making him think he should send her back to live with her Mom away from the memories. I told her what had happened with Embry and she seemed to think it pretty unlikely that he had run away to avoid me after what I told her about our weekend together. Which left only the option that something had happened to him. If he was ok he would have got in touch with me somehow. That didn't make me feel any better, but at least I was with a friend who knew exactly how I was feeling and we moped together until Dad was ready to go home.

Quil came over on Sunday and we watched DVDs and played computer games to pass the time. He hadn't heard anything from Embry in my absence on Saturday and Sunday ended with still no news. Not knowing was the worst thing. If I only knew he was alright, wherever he was, I thought I could even cope with him saying he didn't want us to be together any more.

On Monday morning I dragged myself out of the house and went to meet Quil, not even hoping that Embry would be waiting there with him. I just knew he wouldn't be and I was right. Quil came out to join me and we didn't even say anything to each other, just walked on to school in unhappy silence. The first lesson of the day was History and then after the morning break it was English. We had been asked to write an essay on Hamlet's state of mind and I hadn't done it. All I had been able to think about was my own state of mind. Quil had done the homework, but was convinced that what he had written was only fit for the garbage.

Usually I sat with Embry in the English class with Quil on the next desk, but that day Quil took Embry's seat instead, leaving the other desk vacant. I pulled the books out of my bag and dumped them on the desk as the teacher came in and instructed us to place our essays on the desk tops for her to collect as she walked up and down the aisles. When she reached my desk, she peered over her spectacles at me.

"Where's your essay, Mr Black?"

"Sorry, Ms Brooks, I didn't do it," I grunted.

"Why not?"

"I was busy."

A couple of people sniggered and Quil elbowed me.

"Mr Black, I will expect your essay tomorrow after school, where you will stay for an hour's detention."

"Fine," I sighed.

"And where is Embry Call this morning?" she went on. "His mother called in last week, but she hasn't so far today."

"I'm here, Ms Brooks, sorry I'm late."

Embry's voice came from the open door and I sucked my breath in hard through my teeth; Quil did the same and we both stared in shock as he made his way to what had been Quil's desk. He had cut his hair; his beautiful long hair now barely reached his collar and his face was pale, eyes huge and dark and - I didn't know quite how to describe it - he looked almost terrified.

"Hurry up and sit down," Ms Brooks told him.

He met my eyes for just a brief second before he reached the desk and then looked away quickly. My stomach turned over and my heart began to hammer wildly. I desperately wanted to talk to him, but now I would have to wait an hour until the end of the lesson or risk another detention on top of the one I already had.

We were instructed to read aloud from the next scene in the play, several kids being given a part to read. Luckily I wasn't one of them and I stared blindly at the book in front of me, barely hearing what anyone was saying. Ms Brooks wasn't really paying attention to the reading either, sitting at her desk writing something. I looked across at Embry who was also just staring at the book unmoving.

"Embry," I whispered.

He didn't move or look at me.

"Em!" I hissed louder.

Quil elbowed me again. "Be quiet," he said softly.

Embry glanced sideways at me at last and met my eyes again. He licked his lower lip nervously and then lowered his eyes again. He looked as if he were about to burst into tears.

"Mr Black! You already have one detention; are you looking for another?" the teacher demanded at that moment.

"Sorry, Ms Brooks." I turned back to the book with a sigh. I was just going to have wait to talk to Embry.

The hour crawled by and I felt so sick with nerves I almost thought I would have to excuse myself at one point and go to the restrooms to throw up. I chewed some gum instead and the feeling subsided a little. Finally the lesson ended, the bell rang and all the kids got up to leave the room for lunch. Embry was gone in the blink of an eye.

"Go after him," Quil said, giving me a light shove and I flew out of the door.

Embry was a little way ahead of me, disappearing down the corridor towards the door leading out to the yard and fields. I followed quickly and caught him up just outside the building. He didn't actually stop until I grabbed his arm and I was horrified. Did he really not want to see me?

"Em, what's going on?" I asked. I wasn't even sure I wanted to hear the answer. "Where have you been?" I added.

"I just...I was at my aunt's," he said. So that was true? I still wasn't sure.

"What happened?" I pressed. "Quil said you had a fight with your Mom about that weekend and ran off. You didn't even take your phone; I've been worried sick about you. Quil has too."

"I'm sorry," he said. He didn't even look at me and I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was over.

"Will you please talk to me?" I begged. I reached out and took hold of his hand.

"Don't," he said quietly and pulled away from me. "People will look."

"I don't care if they do," I said and took a deep breath. "Are you breaking up with me?"

He was silent for a moment before he answered. "I...I have to."

"Why? Because of your Mom?"

"No. I just can't do this. I don't want to..."

"Em, you said you loved me," I reminded him. "Are you telling me you didn't mean it? Or it just turned off like a faucet?"

"No," he whispered. He turned his face away, but not before I saw a tear spill down his cheek and drip off his chin.

"Stop it," I said. "Come here." I put my hands on his waist and pulled him towards me.

"Jake, please, I can't," he protested painfully, but then contradicted what he had just said by leaning against me and gripping the front of my jacket in both hands, pressing his face into my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly. He was shivering and I could feel his tears on my skin. I looked up over his shoulder and spotted Quil a little distance away, watching. He just nodded at me, gave me a thumbs up and then disappeared.

I ran my hand up Embry's back to his neck, finding it strange not to be running my fingers through masses of hair.

"Why did you cut it?" I murmured.

"I don't know, I guess I wanted a change."

"Please tell me what happened," I said after another minute. "I love you; I don't want to lose you. Did I do something wrong?"

Embry pulled back immediately and met my eyes. "You didn't do anything."

"Then what? You don't want me?"

"I..." He broke the eye contact again and hesitated and I wasn't sure if he was just having trouble being honest with me or if he was trying to think up some kind of excuse. Whichever it was, it crushed me. I knew he was going to walk away from me. He began to talk then, quickly as if he were trying to say it before he ran out of courage or something.

"I can't be with you. It's too much; too intense. I thought it was what I wanted, but we rushed into it so much, I got scared. I don't want this."

My heart sank. He regretted it. Despite everything he had said; how he loved me, he couldn't wait to be with me, inviting me to stay over - after all that now he wished we hadn't slept together. Was that all it was? He would break up with me because he felt things had gone too far too soon?

"Em, if that's all it is, we can slow it down," I said. "Maybe we should have waited longer, I don't know. We don't have to do anything, if you just want to date, hang out together..."

He looked so terribly unhappy that I couldn't believe he didn't want this any more, but now he shook his head.

"I don't want to. I just want to go back to how things were before this all happened, if that's even possible. I should never have let you find out I liked you." He bit his lip. "Please, Jacob, just leave it."

I was devastated and I couldn't think of anything else to say, other than beg him to change his mind which he clearly wasn't going to do. I felt as if the bottom had just fallen out of my world. After the past week, somehow I had thought if he turned out to be alright and came back he would just fall into my arms, but all he had been doing during that time was trying to avoid me and figure out how to tell me it was over. And yet I still felt something wasn't right. If he was so keen to finish it, then why had he been crying? Why did he hold onto me even for that brief couple of minutes, as if he didn't want to let go? I just stared at him, completely lost.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," he whispered and turned away from me.

I stayed where I was and watched him walk away. It seemed as if there wasn't anything I could say which would make any difference. He didn't want to be with me. For whatever reason, whether or not what he had told me was the truth, I had lost him.

I was still standing there half an hour later when Quil came to find me.

"What happened?" he asked.

"He broke up with me."

"What?" Quil looked astonished. "Did he say why?"

"He says we rushed things too much. I'm not sure, but I think there's something else."

"That's insane," said Quil. "He's crazy about you."

"I thought so. Maybe not enough to carry on with it. Will you cover for me? I'm going home."

"Sure. Of course. I'm sorry, Jake."

I left the school a few minutes later and rather than go home, I walked down to the beach. Dad would only ask questions if I went home in the middle of the day and I knew I was going to end up crying again. As if I hadn't already done enough of that over the past week, but I couldn't seem to control myself. Everything I felt was so intense; up until today, worry, fear and longing and now - I felt as if emotionally I had been hit by a truck.

I walked on the sand all afternoon, going over and over what had happened in my mind. I just didn't get it. Only eight days ago Embry had been saying he loved me, that he couldn't wait for the next day to see me. He gave me the engraved watch, for God's sake. He gave me himself. And then suddenly it was all too much and he wanted to run away from it. There had to be more to it, but what? I had no answers and eventually I just went home. Dad was out and had left a note saying Harry Clearwater had collected him for the evening and that I should order a pizza if I wanted. He had left some money with the note.

I didn't bother with pizza. I made some toast and forced myself to eat it while I made an effort to write the essay on Hamlet. It was the last thing I felt like doing, but I didn't want more trouble at school on top of everything else. I knew it was probably only worth a Grade D at best, but it was as much as I could manage. I shoved it into my bag ready to take to school the next day and then went to bed. It was barely even six o'clock, but all I wanted to do was lie in the dark and wallow in self pity. I knew I was being pathetic, but I couldn't help it.

Somehow I must have slept and when I woke the next day I had a pounding headache and was immediately hit by the pain I felt over Embry. I rolled over with a groan and buried my face in the pillow. I knew I had to pull myself together and get on with it. I stayed there another half hour, then got up, showered, ate some cereal and set off to school. Quil came out and met me and said he hadn't heard anything from Embry. I wasn't really surprised, but I hoped Embry wasn't just going to avoid me from then on. Maybe he just needed some space.

I saw Embry in two of my classes that day and he did speak to me a few times. We sat next to each other so he couldn't really avoid me, but he did look a little uncomfortable. I tried to pretend I was ok with everything to make him feel better, but he looked so miserable that the whole situation continued not to make sense to me. I didn't ask him about it, but I watched him out of the corner of my eye and he constantly seemed to be darting little glances at me. I tried telling myself he just needed some time; that if I left him alone it would get better again between us.

Things stayed the same for the rest of the week. Embry started going over to Quil's before school again so the three of us walked there together, but when I got Quil alone he said he had done his best to make Embry talk properly, but he just wouldn't. Then on Saturday I got a further shock. I suggested that the pair of them come over to my house to hang out and Quil agreed at once. Embry just said 'maybe', but when Saturday came and I waited in anticipation for them to arrive, only Quil appeared.

"Sorry," he said. "I called him earlier. He said he had something else to do."

"Shit," I muttered. "Oh, well. I guess he has his reasons. You want to go down to the beach?"

"Sure."

We walked down to the sand and wandered along, talking and throwing pebbles into the sea for maybe forty minutes. We had gone quite a distance from the local beach we normally hung out on and we turned to go back, walking more quickly in the sudden cold head-wind. Fifteen or twenty minutes later as we rounded an outcrop of rock, we spotted three figures in the distance - three young males in cut-offs without shirts. They were climbing on the rocks which ran down into the sea and I guessed it was Sam Uley and his two lap dogs, fooling about as they had when Embry and I saw them.

"God, those guys must be freezing," Quil said. "Is that Paul Lahote?"

"Yeah, and Jared. Me and Embry saw them cliff-diving with Sam Uley once. It's like some weird little cult they've got going. The pair of them seem to do any crazy thing Sam says."

"Yeah, but that's not Sam, he's much taller than that," Quil said.

We both stared harder, still too far away to make much out clearly. Then I realised.

"Fuck," I said bitterly. "It's Embry."