Approximately two hours, Elliot was fully equipped for battle with a first aid kit, a bottle of toothpaste, a coloring book, a lighter, a ruler, a pocket knife, a butter knife, a teacup, three matches, bug spray, a clay model of a bird that Natalie had made when she'd been five, and several buttons. Stashing it all in a super old and dorky backpack that none of his family would miss (it had first been a blue backpack of Elliot's, but he'd drawn all over it; then, when Natalie had gotten it, she'd taken a liking to throwing it around and tried spray painting it an odd mixture of purple, gray, and yellow, turning it a horrifying shade of cat-throw-up), he hefted it onto his back and started his long and perilous journey around the block.
Eliza skipped by, saw his backpack, and burst into tears at the very color. Gannon came running to see what had upset his daughter and nearly went blind. Elliot decided that this was a good thing, as it would be useful and burning his enemies' sharpied-on eyes.
If sharpied-on eyes CAN burn, which could prove as a dilemma.
He continued marching until he realized he had no idea where he was marching to and everyone had run inside to escape him, sure that he had gotten whatever had Julia had.
"Oops," he said.
He found himself on the beach, the sun lighting the sand and making his eyes hurt. The waves purred against the land, stroking away handfuls of rocks and little animals that seemed to almost be screaming for mercy. The salty wind made him sneeze. Repeatedly.
"Oh, my banana lies not in the ocean, and he smells like fluffy beets. I like pears dipped in butterfly laughsisesesses... Ellio? Why you sneeze lots?"
It was Julia. She was dragging her butt along the beach, holding Banana high above her head like a... a mop. Elliot stared at it for a long time and reached for his backpack.
He thought over lines he'd heard on tv, trying to think of something cool to say before trying to destroy the stupid mop. Its eyes seemed to watch him.
Julia frowned and stood up, wagging her butt as if to get the sand off. "Why are you looking mean at Banana?" she asked, concerned.
"I am your father!" he replied in a moment of stupidity.
Julia stared. Her eyes widened.
She threw back her head and bellowed very masculine-y, "DDDAAAADDDEEEHHHH!"
Hurling Banana behind her, she lurched at Elliot, who screamed and started flapping his hands. Then he realized that Banana was lying there, abandoned, and he grinned.
"Yes, Daddy!" he said, his arms open wide. He was planning on ducking away and running madly for Banana, but he realized that he really did want Julia to hug him.
Later, he told himself. After her hugs didn't threaten to squeeze out his guts through his nose.
He ducked backwards, landed heavily on his behind, and scrambled out of the way just in time. Julia ran... and ran... and ran down the beach, apparently not noticing that "Daddy" was no longer in her path of destruction. Halfway through, she started to skip, "sing", and kick up sand. This caused her to get sand in her eyes, and she plopped down right where she was and began to bawl.
"Right," Elliot muttered. Then he charged at Banana.
He knew that the mop was somehow alive, but it still scared the living crap out of him when it rose on its pole and screamed in a low voice. "No hurt Juia," he moaned.
Elliot stopped in his tracks, screamed, and ran backwards. Then he realized that wasn't right and turned back around.
Dropping to the ground, he fumbled through his pack, looking for the pocket knife. Unfortunately, he found the butter knife instead and by that time Banana was nearly on top of him. Throwing a nearby rock at the evil mop to distract him, he grabbed his backpack and leaped back to his feet.
"Now, Banana," he said as sinisterly as a nasally voice can manage, "you will die a seriously long and painful death by butter knife." He whipped it around in a way that was supposed to be frightening. The mop didn't even bat an eye. It really couldn't, but it wouldn't have even if it could've.
By this time, Julia had turned around and seen Elliot and Banana fighting. Screaming, she got to her feet and galloped towards them. "NO! TAKE TURNS! BE NICE! BAD APPLES! BAD APPLES!"
She leaped for Elliot, who thought fast and whipped out the coloring book. "Tasty coloring book! Fun coloring book! Look, it has Pinkie Pie in it," he said temptingly, wiggling it around.
Julia stopped dead and stared at it longingly. "Uhhh... huuhhhh..."
"Go fetch it!" he said in a sugary voice, and threw it. Julia woofed and got down on her hands and knees, then started after it enthusiastically. Unfortunately, he hadn't been keeping an eye on the mop and next thing he knew his face was engulfed in tentacles.
"Gaaahhh!" Elliot shoved the knife backwards, missed, and fell back on the mop's pole. Both fell; Elliot felt a snap and rolled away from Banana to see his handle broken near the bottom. The mop screeched and swayed back to his feet. Er, pole. Er... well, you know.
"Ellio," Julia complained, stabbing the coloring book, "no crayons."
Elliot had thought that she would try to eat it, not color it, but she probably wanted to color it first. She had a strange obsession with eating crayons lately.
Unfortunately, he had no crayons.
"Uh, uh-" He reached wildly into his pack while circling Banana. "Use these." He threw the matches in Julia's direction. Her eyes lit up.
Never
ever
give matches
to
Julia.
In the heat of battle, Elliot had forgotten to think of this very important tidbit of information and forgot about it promptly after the throw. He feinted a lunge at Banana, then lowered his head and charged. Banana hopped to the side and Elliot fell on his face.
Banana laughed.
Elliot ripped his head out of the sand and glared at the mop. "Ha ha."
"Ellio..."
"WHAT?" Elliot was getting very impatient with Julia.
That was when he smelled smoke.
He and Banana whirled on Julia, who was scrubbing the match furiously against the coloring book and whining, "These are bad crayons." Smoke curled from the top and then with a snap lit on fire. Julia shrieked and threw the match on the ground, then reached for another. The fire didn't go out, just grew.
"Julia, NO!" Elliot lurched forward and grabbed the match, frantically trying to blow it out. For some stupid reason it wouldn't.
Crackle. "No! Bad crayon!" Julia tossed the next match over her shoulder, and Elliot barely caught it. "Julia, stop it!"
"NO, I NEED CRAYONS," she shouted, grabbing another. Banana stood quite a ways away, then took a little hop backwards.
Elliot snatched up the matches and ran for the ocean, but tripped and let the matches fly. By some miracle, they landed on Banana and the mop screamed as his tentacles lit on fire.
Julia dropped the coloring book. "Banana!" she cried.
Elliot stopped short, not quite believing his luck.
He really couldn't believe it when the thrashing mop charged and head-butted him right in the, well, butt.
And his butt lit on fire.
Elliot swore that he jumped all the way to the orange sky. He screamed like a very small girl and ran around like a chicken with his head cut off. Julia giggled and clapped her hands, watching Banana chase the flaming boy around. "Tag!" she squealed, then began to run around and scream, too.
People peeked out of their windows to see what was wrong, and promptly slammed them shut, fainted, and/or ran to hide themselves and their children under the beds.

In the middle of the ocean, Denny brought up another empty line and frowned. "Still no fish," he marveled to himself. "I wonder what's going on?"

Elliot didn't know what to do. He was being chased by a flaming mop, his butt was on fire, and Julia was now shrieking with laughter and joining the chase.
Then he hit on an idea.
He ran down the dock, and, followed by Banana and Julia, jumped into the ocean.
For one, glorious moment, he felt the fire eating away his pants die.
And then he remembered that he didn't know how to swim.
Nevertheless, he hit the surface, blubbering and trying to doggie paddle. Julia surfaced next to him, coughing like she had inhaled gallons of water. Somehow he managed to get them both back onto the deck.
They sat on their hands and knees, coughing and shivering. At one point Julia glanced down at his butt and giggled in delight. "Elliot it a princess," she said.
Elliot felt his face blush and turned to see his bright pink undies blaring back at him, adorned with Disney princesses. His grandpa had bought them for his birthday and he had to admit they were comfy.
Now was not the time to reflect on such things. The two of them hurried down the dock and were about halfway down when suddenly Banana rose from the waves and let out an earsplitting scream. He was very, very angry.
Julia turned and smiled widely. "Banana!" she squealed, and started skipping towards him.
"Julia, no!" Elliot yelped, running after her, but it was no use... she was fast, and Banana was moving closer, closer...
And then there was a low grumble.
Everyone froze. Julia frowned, then looked at Elliot. "Ellio, it someone hungry?" she inquired. "I has pansies. Not for you though."
"Uh," Elliot said. "That wasn't me."
Julia's frown deepened. "Noes?" She turned. "Banana?"
He made a sound that might have meant "no."
Julia put her hands on her hips. "Well, SOMEONE is hungry!" she said petulantly.
As if on cue, the biggest, most vicious fish anyone had ever seen rose from the waves, roaring. You see, when Banana left them, the fish of the sea got very angry. They ordered their king to track the mop down and make him pay for leaving them in their conference that day.
And the Fish King was very happy to oblige.
Banana slowly turned. Elliot grabbed Julia's hand and half-dragged her down the dock, away from the mop and the monster fish.
Their eyes locked.
And then the fish descended upon Banana and opened his mouth. There was a terrible crunch and both vanished. The impact rattled the entire dock and sent the two humans sprawling. Elliot hit his head on a rock, unfortunately, felt his mind go blurry.
Julia was back on her feet in seconds. "BANANA, NOOOO!" she screamed. A resonating burp filled the air, and then Elliot was out.